The Command Performance
by allanjay
Summary: Leonard and Penny face choices and consequences that change their lives – and those of their friends. Begins toward the end of season 9.
1. Overture and Act One: New beginnings

**OVERTURE**

 **A/N: This story is paired, in a way, with a previous story of mine,** _ **The Performance Anxiety**_ **. The idea is that the world begins more or less as in the previous story. But at a crucial point in the proceedings, the two worlds diverge, with powerful and important effects for all concerned. The remainder of the story will deal with their attempts to deal with the impact of this turn of events. I suppose that this is an exercise in tasting a bit of the many-worlds view of quantum mechanics.**

 **The first four chapters are comparable to the first eight or nine chapters of** _ **The Performance Anxiety**_ **, with important and substantial differences. Even if you've read** _ **The Performance Anxiety**_ **(and remember it), you should start from the beginning.**

 **And as an epigraph for this particular love story, I offer the lyrics to one of the more famous love songs of American musical theater:**

 _ **If I loved you**_

 _ **Time and again I would try to say**_

 _ **All I'd want you to know**_

 _ **If I loved you**_

 _ **Words wouldn't come in an easy way**_

 _ **Round in circles I'd go**_

 _ **Longing to tell you but afraid and shy**_

 _ **I'd let my golden chances pass me by**_

 _ **Soon you'd leave me**_

 _ **Off you would go in the mist of day**_

 _ **Never, never to know**_

 _ **How I love you, if I loved you**_

 **"If I loved you,"** _ **Carousel**_

* * *

 **ACT ONE**

1\. New beginnings

Penny cringed as she entered the doctor's office and noted that the waiting room was packed – even worse than the normal Friday afternoon rush. She approached the receptionist, gave her name, and settled in for a long wait. But only a few minutes later, she heard her name called. She approached the receptionist's window.

"Mrs. Hofstadter, Dr. Grossman apologizes. As you can see, we're very busy. She promises to see you when she can. Or you can reschedule, if you prefer."

"No, no," Penny said quickly. "I've come all this way, I might as well stay. I don't get over to the West Side that often. Traffic, you know."

The receptionist smiled warmly. "I sure do, I come in from Simi Valley. Can I get you something while you wait?"

"No, thanks, I'm good." Penny sat down again and looked around the room at all the pregnant women. Some were barely showing, others were apparently long overdue; some were alone, others with anxious-looking husbands or boyfriends.

Much as she had come to dislike her job, she had to admit that these past two weeks on the Ob-Gyn circuit had been fun. She'd had some really nice conversations with the women while she waited. And yet, the circuit was having another effect on her. She was feeling a strange and unaccustomed yearning. She kept trying to push it down, or away, but she knew what it was: she wanted to have a baby. Bernadette's pregnancy was part of it. Plus, with Amy and Sheldon finally getting into the sack, she felt it might be time to start thinking seriously about Leonard and her moving in together – and, more important, moving out and into a larger place. Maybe even a house. With a yard. …

The door of the office opened and a couple entered. Penny looked up, then did a double take. It was Diane Green and her husband, George Stein. She had read in the tabloids that they were expecting – this was, maybe, their third child. But here was Hollywood's most famous power couple in the same room as her. And, she noted with panic, headed toward her.

Green stopped in front of Penny, glancing at the empty seats on either side of the young blonde. "I'm really sorry, but do you think you could move over so that my husband can sit next to me? "

"Of course," Penny said hastily, moving herself and her things. Green sat down next to her, with Stein to her left, and flashed her trademark smile at Penny.

"Thanks. So, how far along are you?" she asked, and Penny marveled at how friendly and colloquial was her tone.

Penny laughed. "Oh, I'm not expecting. I'm just a pharmaceutical sales rep."

"Oh, sorry," Green laughed. "That's a relief. I was already hating you for looking so good. I feel like a whale. And not a pretty one, either."

Penny blushed a little. "You look beautiful. You always look beautiful, Ms. Green."

Before the woman could answer, her husband leaned over, eyeing Penny with a penetrating stare, and broke in. "Weren't you in Serial Apist 2?"

Green's eyes lit up with recognition, even as Penny felt herself blushing beet red. "Oh, God. I can't believe you saw that, Mr. Stein. It's so bad."

"No, no," Stein objected immediately, and Stone similarly shook her head. "Well, yes, it was awful. But Diane and I have watched it, and you."

"Really?" Penny was wide-eyed. The thought of the Green-Stein juggernaut seeing her in anything was overwhelming.

"Funny story," he continued. "One of our interns is obsessed with the movie – you know, in a cult-classic kind of way. He insisted I see it, so I did. It was everything he had said it was, so bad it was funny. I especially loved seeing Will Wheaton in an orangutan suit – and a bikini. But you know that we're always on the lookout for talent, and I liked what I saw from you. Not really in the role – everything about that movie was absurd – but there was something in your fresh-faced perkiness that really appealed to me. Sort of a "new raw talent from the sticks" look. So I had Diane see your scenes, too."

Green shook her head. "George can be a little blunt. I think what he'd _like_ to say," she said, glaring at her husband, "is that we saw a new face in the film that we didn't know, and wanted to get to know. But there's only so much time in the day, so we haven't followed up. I'm glad we ran into you."

Penny was flabbergasted. "Oh, Ms. Green, Mr. Stein, I'm so flattered. You know, that film was the last straw for me; it was what led me to go into pharmaceutical sales. But I can't believe I made a positive impression on you. It's….it's overwhelming."

Green smiled kindly, as Stein shook his head. "Our job is to look for talent. Making it in this town involves a lot of luck. And I think maybe you and I being here today is one of those lucky coincidences." She looked quickly at Stein, who gave a nearly imperceptible nod.

"George and I are beginning work on a new project. Do you think you might want to read for us?"

Penny just stared at her, then came out of her daze with a start. "Of course! I'd be honored, Ms. Green. And Mr. Stein. Just tell me when and where."

"How about Monday afternoon, say 3?" Green said, looking at Stein. "Here's my card, the address is on the card. And it's Diane and George. And give me your coordinates," she added, pulling a pad from her purse. "It's not a cold read; we have a specific role in mind. We'll get you some scenes to work on for the reading."

"I'll be there!" Penny said, writing her data down quickly. "Thank you so much, Ms. – Diane; George," the young woman gushed, getting up.

Diane smiled warmly and stuck out her hand to shake. "Hope you don't mind if I don't get up," as George did rise to shake Penny's hand. "Until Monday," he said.

Penny walked quickly over to the receptionist and told her she'd see Dr. Grossman some other time, then waved to the couple as she left the doctor's office. Once out in the hallway, she leaned against the wall, breathless.

After she'd recovered, Penny walked slowly out of the building, and toward her car, then drove the two miles to the Third Street Promenade and parked there. She sat in her car for a few minutes, then called Leonard.

"Hey, beautiful," Leonard answered cheerily. "This is a pleasant surprise! To what do I owe it?"

"Hi, honey," Penny began. She took a deep breath. "I'm over in Santa Monica, near the beach. Let's have a nice dinner over here. It's been a long time since we've done something like that."

"Wow, what a romantic idea!" Leonard responded. "Am I dying?"

"Very funny. Seriously, can you make a reservation someplace nice? I have a couple of things I want to talk about with you."

"Uh, oh." Now Leonard sounded concerned.

"Will you relax? Just some ideas that I want to share with you," she said.

"Oh, OK. Maybe the Ivy? Let's see….it's now 4.30; I could be there by 7. Can you keep yourself busy until then? "

"I'll keep busy. Ivy at the Shore at 7 sounds perfect. See you then and there."

A few hours later, Leonard and Penny sat down at a corner table, the ivy of the restaurant's name wrapping itself around the trellis that surrounded them. It felt cozy, almost secluded.

Before they ordered, Penny took Leonard's hand in hers. "Sweetie, I really like the place we're in."

Leonard nodded, wondering what this was leading up to.

"I've been in Ob-Gyn offices for the last two weeks. And I spent the last couple of hours thinking about things. And if you're willing, I think it's time for us to start a family."

Penny saw the anticipated tears form in Leonard's eyes, and held his hand even tighter.

"You can't imagine how it makes me feel to know that you want to have children with me," he said through the tears. "I'm the luckiest man alive. I love you so much."

"I love you too, honey. Thanks for making me so happy."

After a few minutes, calmer now, they looked over the menu and ordered. A bottle of white wine arrived first and Leonard proposed a toast: "To our family. Soon may it grow."

"Hey!" he said. "The sooner you get pregnant, the sooner you can quit that job. I know you hate it."

Penny swallowed hard. "Funny you should mention that. I told you there were two things." And she told Leonard about the chance meeting in the doctor's office.

"Wow!" Leonard leaned back in his chair. "Congratulations! So now we have two things to celebrate! I should order a bottle of champagne," he said, picking up the wine list again. After an intent look, he put it back down. "I think we can probably do without the champagne at $150 a bottle. Jeez, I forgot how expensive this place was. After all, we have to start saving for college. Or maybe kindergarten."

Penny laughed, then became thoughtful. "Is that going to be an issue? I mean, especially with me stopping working. I've saved up a bunch, but do you think it will be enough? There's something else," and she told him how eager she was to have them live together – and to move out, maybe to a house.

"A house makes sense," Leonard agreed. "It does raise the question of how we're going to work things out with Sheldon. But I don't think money is a big problem. My job is secure these days, the guidance system looks very promising, and I have a couple of patents on the laser work that are starting to pay off. Plus if your acting career takes off, we'll be rich!"

"Don't count your chickens, Leonard. A part is still a long shot, and even if I got it, I doubt it would pay that much. It's probably a small part."

Leonard smiled. "Well, we can deal with that if it happens. Actually, we might want to think about whether doing both at the same time is such a great idea. After all, a baby is a lot of work, and a lot of stress; and a part would be, too. If you're on their radar screen, you'll stay on it."

He looked down at his plate and cleared his throat, and continued, a little fearfully. "You know, we could always wait to start trying to have a baby until after you're done with the film – I mean, if it comes through. We've waited a while, we can wait another little bit. A movie and a baby at the same time might be asking too much of you."

Penny shook her head vigorously. "I don't see a reason to postpone anything. After all, who knows how long it will take for me to get pregnant? And the reading Monday is only an opportunity."

Leonard nodded, uncertainly. "Well, if you think it makes sense to move forward on both fronts…."

Penny was a little annoyed at Leonard's caution. "I'm not pregnant, and it's only a reading. So why even worry about it?"

Leonard retreated, and they moved on to happy plans over dinner.

As they left the restaurant, Penny groaned. "After that romantic dinner, the last thing I want to do is get into my car and drive an hour back to Pasadena alone. Can we leave the car here and come back for it tomorrow?"

Leonard smiled. "This is your lucky night! I booked us a room at a little hotel down the road, right by the beach. I figured we could stay the night here. Maybe get started on our next project."

"What proj – oh, that one!" Penny said, her eyes widening. She hugged Leonard tight, yet again. "My romance ninja strikes again. Let's go to an inn by the sea and make a baby."

After retrieving their cars, Penny followed Leonard less than a mile down Ocean Avenue to a modest hotel called the Tides Inn, right on the beach. They checked in, got some travel toiletries from the front desk, and walked up to their room. It was a comfortable king on the second floor with a balcony facing the water.

Leonard settled in and texted Sheldon to tell him they wouldn't be home. As Leonard texted, Penny walked out onto the balcony. She saw her husband put his phone away, and called to him to join her. The couple stood holding hands, looking out on the beach.

"You can hear the waves break," Penny noted. "It's so peaceful. It's hard to believe we're in the city."

"I know. We should come to the beach more often."

"You? The beach? I thought you hated it."

Leonard raised his head and looked up at the moon. "Not any more. Now the beach will remind me of the woman I love telling me she wants to have my children."

"Oh, Leonard," Penny sighed, "you always know what to say."

They stood on the balcony for a while longer, the moonlight shimmering on the sea, the palm trees waving slightly in the breeze.

"How about we get started on that project?" Leonard suggested. And they headed inside.

* * *

When they got back home the next morning, they found that Green and Stein had sent some scenes from the script, which turned out to be based on a play that Leonard said was famous, _After the Fall_. This play, he explained, was seen as an autobiographical work by Arthur Miller, largely about his troubled marriage to Marilyn Monroe. The play was controversial in part because it was interpreted as a nasty attack on Miller's ex-wife, after they had divorced and she had committed suicide.

Penny had been reading the scenes, and she couldn't quite buy into this picture. Leonard had been working quietly in the bedroom, but now he came into the kitchen to get some coffee. He looked at her with some concern; she had been reading and pacing for two hours. Finally he had to ask.

"Everything all right?"

Penny nodded. "But this is going to be hard. I'm really not sure how I'm going to do it. So much emotion. But where is it coming from? How do I get to it?"

"What's the problem?" he asked, curious.

Penny shook her head. "I can't really figure it out. In these scenes, I guess I can see this as a really nasty attack on his ex-wife. But I'm not sure." She continued to pace.

"I would have to see the whole script, of course, but even here I get a different vibe. You could play her as an ignorant slut at first, and then as a whiny drug addict trying to nag him into coming back to her. But I don't think that's the only way of reading it. I think she's desperate for love at the beginning; and then, at the end, trying to get him to see why she's so damaged. I don't see her as pathetic, so much, more as love-starved. Tortured or tormented, especially toward the end. Right, that's it, tormented."

Leonard knew to keep quiet. She wasn't really talking to him, she was working things out to herself.

"Tormented because nobody really ever loved her for herself, not even her own mother. Because guys were only after her because she was, you know, Marilyn. But she was more than that, she was smart and ambitious and talented. But so damaged. And he saw the intelligence and the talent, but he didn't see the damage, he thought she was just taking things out on him. She was trying to get him to understand. Understand why she was drugged up all the time, why she couldn't face the crowds, why she needed him to take care of her. Right. Right. Get him to take care of her. There are times a girl just wants to be taken care of, even a big girl, even Marilyn. Wow."

Leonard could see the excitement on her face as she walked back and forth, gesturing. Suddenly she stopped.

"OK. Leonard, let's do this first scene." She sat down closer to him and put the first three or four pages on the coffee table where they could both see them. "You're Quentin. Now, this looks like it's where they first meet, at a bus stop." And they did the scene. Penny was a scatter-brained kid, trying hard to impress an older professional man. Leonard could sense the desperation beneath her breathless banter, the craving to connect. He was completely absorbed in her rendition.

"Yeah, I think that's the way to go," she said abruptly, as they came to the end of the scene. It pulled Leonard out of his trance. He had almost forgotten she was acting. But Penny seemed to be able to turn it on and off at will.

Penny looked back over the scene, took a pencil and made a few marks on the page, biting her lip as she went through it. She rifled through to the next scene and studied it for a while, as Leonard busied himself in the kitchen. Then she called Leonard over and put the pages on the coffee table.

"This must be a few years later. She's made it. In the play she's a singer – that's why Miller threw the references to music in up front, to foreshadow – and Quentin has been following her career, but they haven't been in touch. It's the first time they meet again."

This time, Penny was much more self-assured. But there was still a palpable desire to impress Quentin. There was a mix of a successful star and a young woman desperate to be with somebody. It was very touching. And again Penny brought the scene to an abrupt end even as Leonard was drowning in it. She marked up the pages a lot more this time, and sat deep in thought.

Penny shook her head. She had forgotten how exciting a new part could be, especially a good new part. Maybe, just maybe, this could be it?

"This is the third scene, Leonard. This is the hardest. It's really heart-breaking. You see how she's attacking him and pleading with him at the same time. I think it's clear to me. But it's so raw." She motioned to him to sit down and start the scene.

This time Penny was a blubbering mess, slurring her words. Then lashing out at him – rather, at Quentin – with some of the nastiest invective imaginable. Then back to a whimpering basket case. The remarkable thing, Leonard noted, was that it held together. You could see why a woman desperate to get her man back would shift back and forth between begging and berating. And how she tried so hard to get him to see how much she was suffering. It was painful to see how Quentin didn't get it.

The scene ended, and Penny leaned back on the couch, exhausted. Leonard looked at the clock. It was past 7; they'd spent the better part of six hours on the three scenes. He held her hand and rubbed her wrist gently.

"Maybe that's enough for today, Penny?"

She smiled at him and nodded. "Thanks for helping me, Leonard. You're so patient. Such a great husband." Her eyes lit up. "And you'll be such a great father."

Leonard's eyes immediately teared up, and Penny laughed. "You're such an easy cry. But I love you for it. How about we go out for a nice dinner and then start working on that other project of ours – starting a family?"


	2. Big changes

2\. Big changes

Penny was used to cattle calls where she'd walk into a room with thirty women all of whom looked like her, waiting for the wrangler to rustle her into the corral for inspection. This was different. She parked in the small lot next to the three-story Greenstein Productions building in West Los Angeles, and gave her name at the front desk. She was ushered immediately into the waiting area of an office within which she could hear voices. The receptionist left her there and said, "Ms. Green and Mr. Stein will be with you very shortly."

The waiting area was decorated with a dozen or more movie posters. Penny saw that some were of Diane Green's biggest parts; another couple Penny recognized to be of films either she or George Stein had directed. A few more seemed to be of George Stein productions. Diane Green had been a huge star for a dozen years, then cut back on her acting right around the time they had their first child. When she returned to work she was doing more directing than acting. George Stein had started as a director, then became a producer. In fact, Penny remembered reading that they had met on the set of one of his movies. She recalled a story about how they fought incessantly during shooting – both of them were known for their strong views and stubbornness – and then started dating immediately afterwards. The two now operated as a team: he directed and she acted, or he produced and she directed. They had a reputation for being business-like but fair and principled, and of only investing their time and energy in quality projects. They were quite young to be as powerful as they were – Penny guessed she was in her early forties, he in his late forties – but between them they had decades of experience in every aspect of the film industry.

The door opened and a young man emerged, looking chastened. Diane Green saw him out, then smiled at Penny and turned back toward the office. "George, Penny Hofstadter's here." She then turned to Penny and said, "Let's head down to the conference room. It's a better space for a reading."

As the three of them walked down the hallway, Diane tried to calm the young woman. "Listen, Penny, it's just the three of us. Do it like you're showing some friends how you'd play the part. The main thing we're interested in is your interpretation. There's no right or wrong; it's how you think the part should be performed."

Penny smiled and sat down, then stood up. "Can I stand? I think it works better standing."

"Sure," George said. "Whatever you like. Whenever you're ready. I'll be Quentin." And they were off.

Penny felt that she conveyed the vision she had of Maggie, the ideas she'd mulled over at home and worked on since then. But it was impossible to tell what Diane and George thought – they were too professional to give anything away. After the reading, they went back to the office and asked Penny to wait outside. After a few minutes, they ushered her in.

Diane began. "Penny, let me ask you something. What's your view of Maggie? I know this is just three scenes, but perhaps you know the play. Or not. But how do you think of her?"

Penny explained how she had been trying to conceptualize the character. Diane and George looked at each other.

George spoke next. "We're impressed. One of the reasons Diane and I have wanted to do _After the Fall_ for a long time is that we're not happy with the typical interpretation. It's usually done with Marilyn, Maggie, as a pathetic bitch, and Miller came in for a lot of criticism. He was adamant that that's not how he meant it, and we believe him. Our vision of Maggie is much closer to yours. And one of the reasons we thought of you was that you transmit the kind of fresh-faced enthusiasm that we think Maggie has to have, at least at the start."

Penny nodded, trying to control her excitement.

Diane picked up. "We have some work to do with casting for this project. But we're definitely interested in talking more with you. Can we be back in touch through your agent? Probably later this week or early next."

Penny started. She hadn't bothered to mention the reading to her agent. "Honestly, I haven't even told her about this. She'll be surprised to know I'm even being considered for a part in a movie. But I'll contact her right away and tell her that you might be calling."

George looked at Diane and cleared his throat. "Hmm. Well, there's something you should know, but you have to keep it to yourself."

"Of course," Penny agreed.

"Our plan is to put this on as a stage play, at the Playhouse in Westwood. Is that a problem? Do you have stage experience?"

Penny was a little taken aback. A stage play was hardly as prominent as a movie, even if it was in a pretty good medium-sized theater. On the other hand, if it was being produced and directed by these two, it would get plenty of attention.

"Oh, sure. Nothing big recently. But I've done Blanche in _Streetcar_ and some others; actually, Linda Loman in _Salesman_ and a girl in _The Crucible_. I know it's different from film, but I think I know the ropes well enough."

"Good," Diane said. "We'll be in touch. And thanks for coming in; you did a really good job. We're definitely intrigued."

Penny left, practically floating on air. She called Leonard immediately and passed along the news. She was still floating as she walked up the stairs to her apartment an hour later. She unlocked the door and walked in to find the room bathed in candlelight, a huge bouquet of roses on the coffee table. Her jaw dropped.

Penny smiled at Leonard, who was sitting happily on the couch. "Leonard, it's beautiful."

The couple kissed warmly. "I'm so proud of you," Leonard said, and Penny could feel the glow. "Tell me all about it."

Penny told Leonard about the reading, and their response. When she mentioned that it turned out to be for a stage play, he looked worried. "What's the matter?"

Leonard hesitated. "It's just that, for a movie, you film it and it's over. So I figured that even with a big part it would be a few weeks, maybe a month or two. But with a play…well, they can run for six months, a year. What happens if you get pregnant, what then?"

Penny shrugged "I don't have the part yet, so I don't see the point of worrying. I figured I'd tell them about our plans if they do offer me the part – see what they say."

Leonard left it alone. "No use getting out in front of ourselves. Let's see what happens with the part. But let's go out to celebrate. I made reservations at Santorini."

"Dinner out again? We're going to burn through our savings before the baby is even conceived," Penny said. "I was thinking we could stay home tonight. I really feel like spending the evening at home with you. Especially with all this," as she swept her hands across the array of romantic tokens. And so they stayed in, and worked on expanding their family unit.

* * *

Penny was so nervous the rest of the week that she could barely concentrate on work. Bernadette asked her several times if everything was all right, but Penny felt she had to keep the acting possibility secret; she didn't want her friend to have to lie to Dan. If it came through, they'd tell the company. If….

Thursday evening, Penny's agent called to say that Green and Stein wanted to see her again, Friday afternoon at 4, if possible.

She pulled into the parking lot the next afternoon a few minutes to 4. She checked her phone to see a text from Leonard: _Break a leg! Love you_.

George came out to greet Penny, as Diane – obviously uncomfortably pregnant – remained seated. As soon as she sat down, he got right to the point: "We've talked a lot about it, and we'd like to offer you the part."

"Thank you so much. I am so, so honored."

Diane nodded. "There are some things you should know. The plan is for a three-month run at the Westwood Playhouse. And we have high hopes for this production. It's the hundredth anniversary of Miller's birth, and revivals of his plays have been doing very well in New York. So we're thinking that if the reception is good, we will work on bringing it to Broadway."

Penny gasped. Broadway. Not in her wildest dreams….

"Of course, that's far in the future and depends on lots of different things. But we wanted to let you know."

Penny nodded excitedly. But then she remembered what she and Leonard had discussed. She stammered. "I…I have to tell you something. My husband and I are trying to get pregnant. I would hate to pass up this chance, but I would have to talk to him about it before agreeing…."

Diane interrupted. "We understand. But it shouldn't be a problem. We're into rehearsals in two weeks, we open six weeks later, it's a three month run. So even if you got pregnant this month, the show would close before you were five months pregnant. Believe me, that's doable. You'll barely be showing, and we can always costume around it."

"But what about New York?" Penny asked.

George laughed. "Do you have any idea how long it can take to get backing for a Broadway play? I'd be surprised if this play went to Broadway a year from now. Of course, if it's a success, we'll want you for Broadway. So you'd have to be willing to move to New York for at least six months. Do you think you can do that?"

Penny wrung her hands. "I don't know. My husband is an experimental physicist at Caltech and he can't move." The couple looked at each other, surprised, but Penny continued. "And if there was a baby…."

Diane looked at her kindly. "Well, why don't you talk to your husband and get back to us. But it has to be quickly, by Monday. OK?"

"That's fine. It will give us the weekend to talk it over," Penny said, somewhat relieved.

They parted ways, and Penny sped home to find Leonard waiting impatiently at her apartment.

Penny immediately blurted out, "They offered me the part but the pregnancy, it might have been an issue but they don't think so, but then they say they want it to go to Broadway and if that happened it wouldn't be a year from now and so that works but they want me to-"

"Whoa, whoa, all I got was that they offered you the part. Congratulations! What's all the rest? Just calm down and tell me what's going on."

Penny explained about the timing of the local production, and that it shouldn't be a problem. He nodded. Then she told him about the possibility of moving the production to New York, and the commitment to at least a six-month stay.

"Wow," Leonard whistled. "Six months apart. And what would we do if you did get pregnant?"

Penny chewed her lip. "Leonard, I want this part more than anything, but I want a baby more than anything, too."

"Penny," he said softly, "you can't want both more than anything. We might have to make some choices."

Penny was heartbroken and confused. Maybe Leonard was right: Leaving a baby for six months seemed difficult, certainly undesirable. And she couldn't imagine taking the baby with her to New York alone. But she was also frustrated with his characteristic restraint.

"I understand, Leonard. It's not the right time, what with trying to get pregnant and all. But maybe we could try to figure out how to make it work. After all, this is the chance of a lifetime."

Leonard saw the look on her face and made up his mind. "Maybe we can work this out. I could go with you, take a leave of absence. It's only six months. And that would give me some flexibility to help take care of the baby, if there is one by then. This opportunity is too good for you to pass up. So tell them you're on board."

Penny threw her arms around Leonard and held him tight. "Thank you, thank you. You're the best husband ever."

Penny immediately emailed Diane Green in the affirmative. Within minutes, Penny's phone rang. It was Diane.

"Penny, I'm so pleased. We'll have the lawyers be in touch with your agent Monday. This will be great fun. I'm really looking forward to working with you."

"Me too, Diane," Penny responded enthusiastically. She had a question, though. "In all the excitement, I forgot to ask a couple of things. Who's directing the play? And who plays Quentin? Can you tell me or is it a secret?"

"It's a little bit of a secret," she said, "and we haven't finalized things. But I will be directing. And for Quentin we've managed to secure Leonardo DiCaprio."

Penny's eyes opened wider than Leonard had imagined was possible, as he looked on in surprise, wondering what they were talking about.

Diane must have understood the reason for the shocked silence, and laughed a little. "I know, awfully big star for a medium-size playhouse. But he likes the challenge. It's a very difficult role. And Penny, one of the reasons we like you for Maggie is that you're new talent. That works well as a foil to Quentin, who's meant to be a self-assured, established professional, 10 or 15 years older than Maggie."

Penny said good-bye quickly, still in shock. Leonard looked at her, curiously. After a minute, she explained who her co-star would be.

"Wow," Leonard said. "Your idol!"

Penny nodded, still in shock.

Leonard put his hand on her arm. "I'm so proud of you," Leonard he said softly.

"Thank you," Penny said quietly. After another minute or two, Penny took out her phone. "I guess I have some people to contact. Text my agent first. And I should go across and tell Amy and Sheldon. Oh, Bernadette. Is it all right if I invite her over tonight? I have to give notice Monday and I don't want her to hear it from Dan. Is that OK? Did you have another celebration planned?"

"My only plan was to work on the baby-making."

"Oh, we can fit that in after I talk to Bernie."

"OK," Leonard recalled. "Are you going to mention our plans?"

"Absolutely not. I don't want to take any of the attention away from Howard and her. Once we're pregnant, sure, but not now."

While Penny got to work with her phone, Leonard mulled over the events of the day and their implications. Changes had already been brewing in the living arrangements on the fourth floor. Leonard and Penny had been gradually trying to get Sheldon used to the idea of their living together, and after a lot of resistance, Sheldon had agreed. The blow was softened by the fact that he and Amy had decided that they were thinking of her moving in with him – a fact that shocked Leonard and Penny, but in a positive way. However, the prospect was left open. Now Leonard felt it might need to be accelerated.

When she was done he looked over at her.

"I was thinking. You'll be really busy, and going back and forth between apartments is complicated. How would you feel about pushing things up a little, and my moving over to your place now, rather than waiting? I'm not trying to pressure you, I just thought it might be easier for you to be in one place."

Penny thought. "I think you're right. The going back and forth is getting really old. But will Sheldon freak out?"

"He seems calmer about it now. Especially with Amy moving in with him, maybe it won't be such a big deal. And anyway, wherever we're living, the play is going to affect group activities. He's going to need to get used to it, and pretty quickly."

Penny thought. "True. But let's break it to him gently. The last thing I want is for this opportunity to pull me away from him. From any of our friends. That's important."

* * *

"I knew it, Leonard," Sheldon said glumly. "I knew this was the beginning of the end."

"Come on, Sheldon, we're still going to be living on the same floor, and doing just about everything together. It only means that schedules will be a little more difficult, a little less coordinated."

"Sure. First you move across the hall. Then no dinners together while Penny is off every evening cavorting with her theater buddies. Then Penny is impregnated and you spend all your time taking care of her. Then she has a baby, and you don't have time for anything else. And before you know it, it's all over." Sheldon was even more morose than usual.

"Buddy, I know you hate change. But we're all getting older; things have to change. Look, just the other day you were talking about Amy moving in here with you. How huge a change is that?"

Sheldon shook his head. "But I wanted it to be the four of us, all on this floor, like one big suite of apartments."

"And it will be, only Penny won't be around quite as much, and I'll probably be spending more time with her. You'll have Amy, though."

Sheldon looked even more pained. "I know. But it will just be me and Amy, and that…." He trailed off.

"That what, buddy?" He walked over to where Sheldon was sitting, and sat down next to him.

"That scares you a little, doesn't it?" Leonard asked gently.

Sheldon nodded his head and looked even more lost.

"Sheldon, that's natural. It's all right to be scared. I know you're worried about losing your space. And it's fine to tell Amy about that. I'm sure she'll understand, and you two will be very happy here."

"What if I'm not? Then what do I do?"

"You talk it over with Amy. And if you're upset or confused and want to talk, Penny and I will be right across the hall."

Sheldon shook his head.

Leonard tried again. "Sheldon, Penny and I are not going to desert you. But you have to understand how big an opportunity this is for Penny. It won't change the fact that you're my best friend, and that Penny is like a sister to you."

Sheldon looked at Leonard gratefully. "Thanks, Leonard. You know I don't like change. But you're right, this is really good for Penny and I'm happy for her. I'm just not sure how I'm going to get along with so many things changing, so fast."

Leonard put his hand on Sheldon's shoulder, and for once Sheldon didn't wince or pull away. "We'll be here for you, buddy."

Across the way, Bernadette was still trying to process how fast Penny's life seemed to be taking a completely new direction.

"So it's really a big deal, this play? And it might go to Broadway?"

"That's a long shot. But even here in Los Angeles, this is a pretty prominent theater. And the director and producer are big shots."

"But it's only three months, you said. Then what?"

"Then we'll see. If I'm lucky it will give me other opportunities. If not, I can always go crawling back to Dan."

Bernadette laughed. "He'd take you back in a heartbeat, you're his top seller. So tell me about the play."

Penny smiled mysteriously at Bernadette. "Never mind about the play. Guess who my opposite number is?"

"Come on, I don't know any theater actors."

"OK, hint. He's not a theater actor. He's only my favorite movie actor of all time."

Bernadette eyes opened wide. "Not Leonardo DiCaprio?"

"Yes Leonardo DiCaprio."

A shrill shriek pierced the air, and went on for quite some time. A few seconds later, Leonard ran into the apartment.

"What happened, is everything all right?" Bernadette was still staring at Penny in a state of shock.

Penny laughed. "Everything's fine. Bernie just got Leo'd."

Leonard chuckled. "Have fun, you two." And he headed back to 4A.

Bernadette had finally come down from the clouds. "Penny, that's amazing. Wait until I tell Howard! That's all right, isn't it?"

"It's actually not confirmed, so just Howard, OK? I'm telling everyone about my part, but not about Leo. Oh, that reminds me, I have to call or text Raj and Stuart. And I have to call my parents."

The two young woman stayed talking for another few minutes, then Bernadette left to give Howard the exciting news.

* * *

The script arrived by messenger early Saturday morning. Penny spent the weekend going over it, and devouring everything she could find about Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller. Monday morning she bit the bullet and talked with Dan. To her surprise, he was congratulatory and supportive. Although she owed the firm two final weeks, Dan told her just to make sure to visit all her major customers, and to brief her replacement. Penny was done with this by the end of the first week, in time for Bernadette to throw her a nice going-away party at work on Friday.

Leonard was trying to spend as much time as possible with Sheldon, to make up for the fact that he and Penny were now definitively living in apartment 4B – and that they were extremely busy. He would continue to pay his share of rent on 4A until Amy moved in, but – as Sheldon never let him forget – it was not the same. It pained both Leonard and Penny to see Sheldon sad and lonely, but they were engulfed in such a whirlwind of activity that they barely had time to think about it

Over time, perhaps due to Sheldon's loneliness, Amy started spending more time in apartment 4A. By the end of the week, she confided to Penny that she was gradually moving her things in. She figured that the move would be accomplished within a month. And that she was loving it.

"And, you know, I never realized how big Leonard's bed was. It's more than big enough for two. But I guess you knew that already," she told Penny with a grin.

"You dog! High five!"


	3. Preparations

3\. Preparations

Penny now focused all attention on the play. Rehearsals were set to start in a week, and Penny had lots of questions. She was scheduled to see Diane on Wednesday, at the theater, where the crew was beginning to work and she had directorial responsibilities.

Penny walked into the darkened theater and stopped at the entrance. Diane was onstage, looking about ten months pregnant. Penny waved and Diane gestured for her to come up, and they walked together to sit in Diane's backstage office.

"So, Penny, how does it feel?"

"I'm still pinching myself every few hours, Diane. But I _love_ the play. It's so gripping, and awful, and thrilling all at the same time. But I have a lot of questions."

"Well, let's hear them."

Penny thought. "I've been reading a lot about Marilyn, and about Arthur Miller. And what people write about the play. And I really wonder about things. I'm just not sure Maggie really is meant to be Marilyn. Miller always denied it, and some of the critics seem to agree."

"Go on," Diane nodded.

"So Maggie is clueless about the music industry. She barely knows what a will is, and what her agent does. But Marilyn was really shrewd; she had her own production company, she challenged the studios. Nobody ever thought she was really the ditzy blonde she played in the movies. So if Maggie's not Marilyn, why did Miller write her the way he did? And if she is Marilyn, why did Miller make her out to be something she wasn't? I just can't believe he did it out of spite."

"Well," Diane responded, "I don't know that we'll ever know the answer. But why does it matter? Why not forget about what Miller wanted Maggie to be, or who he wanted her to represent, and play her like you think she is?"

Penny looked dubious. "I suppose. But I feel like I want to understand how Miller saw the character, too. Sure, I want it to be my own, but I guess I'm just curious."

Diane thought a bit. "The character is yours, and you have to make the serious choices. We'll be doing read-throughs almost all of next week. That should help give us something to think about." Penny nodded. "Let's see how it goes. Sometimes our ideas evolve as we work through the piece."

"OK, Diane. I really appreciate your talking to me. I'm a little nervous…."

"We're all a little nervous. And we'll be a lot nervous before we're through. But we'll get it done."

Penny nodded. They walked back out toward the house. As Penny headed for the door, Diane held her arm and guided her to a corner.

"Are you ready for this?" she asked.

Penny was startled. "I think so. I've been working really hard. Do you think I'm not prepared enough?"

Diane smiled. "That's not what I meant. Are you ready for _this?_ " she repeated, gesturing at the theater.

"I…I don't really understand."

"Let's sit," Diane said, gingerly easing into a first-row seat. "I can only stand for so long."

Penny sat.

"This play is going to be a big deal. I know it's a medium-sized house in a regional market. But it's Leo. We'll sell out the first month as soon as the cast is announced. Maybe the whole run. That's why we're holding off on the announcement. A lot of it will be tourists who want to see DiCaprio in the flesh. But everybody in the industry will want to see it. And that means they'll see you, too. And they'll be beating down your door within a week. Your agent will have dozens of screenplays pitched, and you'll have to make a lot of decisions. You'll start appearing in the trades. People will recognize you. And then you'll be off to the races. Movies, television, all the parties and the paparazzi and that nonsense. Are you ready for that?"

Penny sat in stunned silence. "How do you know, Diane? I mean about me? I'm an unknown, and my character would be secondary to Quentin even it weren't Leonardo DiCaprio."

Diane smiled. "George and I asked you to read for us on a whim. What we saw in that horrible monkey movie was intriguing, nothing more. But when you read for us, we were blown away. You have real talent. Trust me, I've been in this business for 25 years. Industry people will see you here, and the phone won't stop ringing."

Penny was nodding, trying to recover. "I appreciate your confidence, even if I'm not sure I share it. But let's say it's true. What should I be doing?"

"Take things a step at a time. The first thing is to make sure you can work through the run without too many distractions. You need to protect yourself. Make sure your phone, address, email, and the like aren't too publically accessible. Don't take on any obligations that aren't important. Do you have a publicist?"

"Are you kidding? Why would I? Two weeks ago I was selling drugs to doctors," Penny said, by now feeling a small panic rising.

"I understand. Here's one that I think would be good for you," Diane said, writing down a name on a scrap of paper and handing it to Penny. "Tell him I suggested that you talk to him. Make sure you like him, and that he understands your priorities."

Penny nodded.

"You're still planning on trying to get pregnant, right?"

Penny nodded again.

"As I've told you, that's doable - I did it - but it will not be easy. It won't be easy to find time to, you know, conceive; and if you are successful, it may not be easy to power through all of the ups and downs of a pregnancy. You know that morning sickness comes early in the pregnancy, right?"

"I do," Penny confirmed. "One of my best friends is a few months pregnant, and she's gone through it."

"OK, good. You can get some pointers from her. Or from me, of course. You'll probably need them. Leaving pregnancy aside, in the case of this production you might prepare yourself for some nastiness. You're playing a sex symbol opposite the hottest leading man in the world. There are bound to be ridiculous stories in the gossip columns. You need to be ready for that." Diane could see that this was already a bit more than Penny could take in. She slowed down.

"George and I will be here for you whenever you need to talk. We like you and we want you to succeed. And to be happy. If things come up that you don't know how to handle, just let me or George know. Promise?"

Penny nodded again. She shook herself a little, thanked Diane, and walked out of the theater in something of a daze.

* * *

Later that afternoon, when her husband walked in the door, Penny sat him down to talk. "I had a long conversation with Diane today, and we need to talk about what this play is going to mean to us."

"All right…." Leonard said tentatively. "What do you have in mind?"

"Diane says that things are going to move very fast. Like that as soon as people know Leonardo DiCaprio is in the play, the press will be all over it. Maybe even all over me. And that the schedule can be crazy."

"I was thinking about that today myself," Leonard said. "I'm not sure I know exactly what to expect about your schedule."

"Right, that's a good place to start. We start rehearsals next Monday. Normally they're during the day, usually about ten to six – the union contract limits them to eight hours a day. But in this case we're going to have a few afternoon and evening rehearsals during the first couple of weeks, because DiCaprio has some pick-ups and re-shoots from his last film."

"What does that mean?"

"They finished shooting his last movie, but there are some scenes they need to do over, and some small parts that need to be done to add to the film during editing. So DiCaprio has to do that during the day, and we'll need to rehearse afterwards. But it will only be a few times, at the start. We'll have rehearsals for four weeks, then two weeks of previews, then a three-month run."

Penny looked at Leonard seriously. "The performance schedule gets intense once previews begin. We have shows five nights a week, plus matinees on Wednesdays and Saturdays. We're off Sundays and Mondays."

"Wow," Leonard whistled, "that seems like a lot of time."

"And it'll be from noon or 1 until 10 or 11 every day, earlier when there are matinees."

Leonard exhaled sharply. "What happened to the union contract, and eight hours?"

Penny shook her head. "For performances it goes up to twelve."

Leonard was still trying to process it. "That would mean I'd never see you, except Sundays. I'd be off to work before you wake up, and by the time you're back I'd be in bed, or almost. Wow."

Penny nodded. It hadn't really hit her until just now how difficult this might be. And just at a time when they were supposed to be trying to get pregnant.

Leonard was obviously thinking along similar lines. "Sorta hard to have a baby if we're never in the same place. What are your thoughts? Do you really think that it's feasible to do the play if you're pregnant?"

Again with the caution, Penny thought in frustration. "We've talked this through. It's a fantastic opportunity, and Diane even said it was doable. Instead of thinking of reasons to stand in the way, why don't you try to make things easier?"

Leonard looked sheepish, but immediately set his mind to work. Penny waited; she knew the signs that her husband was coming up with a plan.

"All right," he sighed. "I have some ideas on what we can do once performances start. I can stay here with you some mornings, then go in at lunchtime and work until the evening. I can work Saturdays, and take Mondays off. That will at least give us most mornings together, and Sundays and Mondays."

"Can you really do that? What about your work?" Penny asked.

"It's research, Penny. The lasers aren't going anywhere. I can do it when I want. The grad students and post-docs can cover anything that comes up when I'm gone. I can make my own hours, so long as I get the work done. I only kept that rigid schedule because Sheldon insisted on it, and now with Amy driving him to work, there's no need."

Penny sighed deeply. "That would be amazing. But Diane also said that there are things that could get nasty."

"Like what?"

"Like gossip columns, like rumors, like all sorts of dirt. And lots of pressure from people who might want me to consider other acting jobs."

"Hey, I can take the gossip," Leonard said. "I don't read those things anyway. And what's so bad about job offers? I thought that was sort of the idea."

"Yes," Penny agreed, "but we want it to be on our terms. In ways that will enhance my career. Diane said she'd give me advice if I need it. And she said I should talk with my agent, and get a publicist."

Penny sat back, exhausted. "I feel a lot more relaxed now. I've been stressed out all afternoon, worried that things would change more than we could handle. Not to sound like Sheldon, but everything has moved so fast…."

Leonard nodded. "And I hate to say it, but the way things look now, he might not have been so far wrong when he said that this was the beginning of the end."

Penny sighed. "I guess. But I'd like to think we can keep our friendships alive. Different, sure, but alive."


	4. Taking off

4\. Taking off

Rehearsals started that Monday. Diane had a light touch, waiting to see what emerged from the players' interactions. The first week was read-throughs, with some stopping and starting to do and re-do scenes. Diane took copious notes as they went through the piece very slowly, stopping to ask questions frequently. Diane never lost her temper, and rarely stated her own opinion, mostly asking the actors to explain themselves. Penny was terrifically impressed with how patient she was – especially for a woman on the verge of giving birth.

Penny was initially terrified of being unprepared, but it turned out she was as on top of the script as anyone in the company. DiCaprio, on the other hand, was far behind and was constantly reading directly from the script, often – it appeared – for the first time. He apologized profusely, blaming it on having to juggle rehearsals with the film. Nonetheless, Penny could sense the intensity with which DiCaprio was trying to find a way to present Quentin. You could almost see the wheels turning in his mind, even as he went through his scenes. It was clear that he took his craft very seriously.

As they wound down the read-through one afternoon, Penny sat looking over her lines and trying to think through her approach. She looked up to see DiCaprio standing a few feet away. "Hey, Penny, got some time to talk?"

"Sure, Leo." Penny still couldn't quite believe she was calling her idol by his first name, but of course anything else would have been ridiculous. "What's up?"

"I was thinking we might work together on the whole Quentin-Maggie relationship. It's so central, but so…enigmatic, I suppose I would say. How do you see it?"

Penny thought. "I don't think of it in terms of a relationship. It's not one at first, after all. So I think of the individuals. And then, I guess, of what draws them together. And what drives them apart. Maggie's starved for love, of course."

"What about Quentin? How do you see him?"

Penny hesitated. She had some ideas, but this was not her part. Maybe not her place. Especially to suggest some pretty unsavory things about the character. "Um, not sure that's something Maggie has figured out. Or ever does figure out."

"Playing coy, eh?" DiCaprio said, with a little laugh and a smile. His eyes sparkled as he thought about explaining his approach.

"All right," he said, looking at Penny, "let me tell you what I'm thinking. I believe Quentin has something like a savior complex, if that's a thing. He wants to save her; he thinks he can save her. After all, in his mind he's superior to her, in every way, except musically. So it's his job to make her a better person."

Penny nodded. This was, in fact, very close to her view. Not very flattering to Miller, certainly, but it seemed true to the dynamics between Quentin and Maggie – and between Quentin and his other two wives, who duck in and out of the action as the play jumps back and forth in time. "That makes a lot of sense," she said simply.

DiCaprio laughed again. "Someday I'll get more out of you. You know, we're allowed to give each other ideas. And I'd love to hear yours sometime. For the record, I really like the way you have Maggie. It's both Marilyn and not Marilyn. My main reservation about doing _After the Fall_ was that it would be seen as a bio-pic. But it's not, at least I don't think so. And the way you have her fits with the way I'm thinking about Quentin. Rather than a damaged woman and a reasonable man, it's two damaged people who just can't figure out how to help each other."

Penny nodded, trying to hide her excitement. DiCaprio had fully understood what she was trying to capture with her portrayal of Maggie.

DiCaprio continued, eyeing her closely. "Well, anyway, I really like what you're doing. And if you have any ideas about Quentin, I want to hear them. It's a pleasure to be working with such a thoughtful partner."

Penny came home that evening even more exhilarated and excited than usual: she was having real conversations with the world's leading actor. She gushed to Leonard about the progress they were making and the thrill of acting in a major production. Leonard was supportive, but she could sense his nervousness.

"All right," she said, finally. "What is it?"

Leonard sighed. "I'm sorry, I can't help it. I think it's fantastic that you're doing this play. But I keep wondering what will happen if you get pregnant. That can take a lot out of a person. And the kind of schedule you have to keep for the play might not be so great for a pregnant woman."

"Leonard," she said, exasperated, "we've talked about this. Diane has done it, twice, and she's on her third. People work during pregnancy all the time. Stop worrying. I'd like to be able to enjoy the fact that I'm finally living my dream without having to reassure you all the time."

"Sorry, sorry. But you're the one who asked me, I wasn't going to say anything. Anyway, tell me more about the rehearsals."

And Penny relaxed a little, filling Leonard in on Diane's methods and how they seemed to be building the play into a coherent whole, piece by piece.

At the theater, Penny was getting to know the other actors as well. Quentin's first wife, Louise, was played by Audrey, a gregarious New Yorker. She was a few years older than Penny, with a steady boyfriend who was also in theater. Sarah, who played Holga, Quentin's third wife, was older and quieter, married to a graphic designer. Between the two of them, and Audrey's boyfriend, they had a great deal of local theater experience. Audrey had also had some recurring roles on television series. Penny soaked up as much as she could, starting to realize how much she had to learn about the stage.

A couple of evenings, after the late rehearsals, Audrey would pull Penny and some of the other actors out to hit a bar in Westwood. Audrey was lively and outgoing. She and the others would regale Penny with stories of television and film shoots they'd been on, of gossip about the actors they'd worked with, of tales from the trenches of Hollywood. Sometimes people would even approach Audrey, recognizing her, shyly asking for an autograph. Penny was fascinated, as she felt herself being inducted into the world she had always fantasized about. Little by little, she was coming to grips with the fact that she was on the verge of making it into the rarefied atmosphere of the actually successful actors. It was thrilling, and a little frightening, and confusing all at once.

Working with DiCaprio was especially breath-taking. He was intense, in part because he was behind the rest of the cast due to his double schedule. But his intensity was driven by more than that: Penny sensed an urgency in his attempts to plumb the depths of his character. And DiCaprio continued to seek Penny out for long, deep, discussions about the relationship between Quentin and Maggie. More than anything else, Penny was spellbound by DiCaprio's desire to weave the complex threads of their personalities into a coherent whole. And she was captivated by his electric and magnetic personality, all of which seemed to be expressed through his extraordinary eyes. She was, she remarked to herself, getting the chance to live the life she had always imagined. And it was magical.

Full rehearsals started the following Monday. But the cast and crew arrived to find George on stage, looking somewhat haggard. He had them all gather around.

"Diane had the baby last night; this morning, really. A girl, Miriam, very healthy."

Everyone applauded, and George thanked them.

"We knew this was coming, of course, and the plan is for me to stand in for Diane for a few days. She'll be back early next week. I've encouraged her to take more time, but you know her: she's stubborn, and she's done this before. Meanwhile, you're stuck with me. Diane gave me some instructions, and I plan to follow them. The crew's on dry tech for the rest of the week. So cast, you're in the rehearsal rooms downstairs."

The rehearsals went reasonably well for a couple of days. But George was not Diane. He was rougher, and blunter. And Penny began to feel that he was not happy with her work. The Wednesday evening rehearsal was especially tough. George interrupted her scenes practically ever thirty seconds, asking her to re-do them. And Penny could never quite understand what he wanted. She came away thinking that she would never be able to satisfy him.

On the way to their dressing rooms, DiCaprio stopped Penny. "Everything all right, Penny? You look a little down."

"Just worried at how George is reacting to my work. He doesn't seem happy with me."

He smiled, putting his arm around her warmly. "Don't worry about him, he's just playing tough. You're doing great." And he gave her a light hug and walked back toward his dressing room.

Penny turned around to find Audrey watching her, having seen the interaction with Leo. They walked together to their adjoining dressing rooms, and Audrey took the opportunity to insist on their going out for a drink and a late dinner. Over dinner, Audrey tried to reassure Penny that she was doing fine and that things would be easier when Diane returned. Nonetheless, Penny was drained, and exhausted. Which made it that much more irritating when Leonard woke her up with noise and bright lights early the next morning.

"Can you turn the light off? Jesus!" Penny said in irritation as Leonard rustled around the closet. "What time is it, anyway?"

"6.45. And I need the light because I have to see my clothes to get dressed. I have to go to work, you know."

"Well, at least close the door so the light isn't in my eyes. I didn't get in until 1 last night and I have to be in at 11 today. I want to get at least another couple hours' sleep!"

"OK, OK," Leonard said, exasperated. "Why did you get in so late anyway? You can't have been working that late."

"I told you yesterday. We had an evening rehearsal because Leo was shooting during the day. Then I went to dinner with another actor. I have to get some sleep. Just keep it down, all right?"

Leonard rolled his eyes and headed out to the kitchen for a quick breakfast. He went back to the bathroom to brush his teeth, but tripped on his way across the bedroom, falling heavily onto the bed.

"What the hell, Leonard!? Are you _trying_ to wake me up?"

That was enough for Leonard. "Well, maybe if you didn't leave your clothes all over the floor I wouldn't trip on them!"

"It was 1 AM and I was _trying_ not to wake you up. Which is more than I can say about you. I'm under a lot of pressure and you're not helping things by not letting me sleep. And by everything else. It's like you don't care!"

Leonard stopped short. "What?! Where did that come from? What do you mean, I don't care?"

Penny sat up in bed. "All right, I can see I'm never going to get any more sleep. You want to know what I mean? Look at this." And she stomped out of the bed into the bathroom, flinging open the medicine cabinet.

"Look what you did to all my things," she said bitterly.

"What are you talking about? I just moved them a little to make room for mine."

"These were organized very carefully. Regular on the left, work in the middle, fancy on the right. And they were all in the order I use them in. You moved them all around so that I can't find the mascara, can't find the nail polish remover, can't find anything. It took me an extra half hour to get ready yesterday. And look at this," she said, stomping even more angrily over to the closet.

"My clothes are all out of order!"

Leonard rolled his eyes. "What do you mean, out of order? I just put them on the other side to make some space. I have things to hang too, you know."

"They're _in order_ , Leonard. This blouse goes with this skirt, and you put them on opposite sides of the closet. You have all the colors mixed up. I hardly know where anything is anymore! Show some respect!"

"You want to talk about respect? Where are my notebooks? I put them on the bookshelf, and I still can't find them."

"Because that bookshelf is for _my_ materials, for the play. Find your own damn spot."

"You want to be that way, fine," Leonard sputtered, walking away. "I'll just go over to my –" and he stopped short. "Damn it. Well, have a nice day," he spat out, slamming the apartment door behind him.

Both Penny and Leonard dragged through their respective days, sad and confused about the conflict. It was one of a continuing series that only seemed to have grown in intensity after Leonard moved in definitively.

At the end of the day, Leonard walked into apartment 4B with a bouquet of flowers. Penny was on the couch and jumped up as he entered.

"Oh, Leonard, they're beautiful." She took them and gave her husband a kiss, then walked over to the kitchen to put them in a vase.

Leonard stood watching, uneasily. Penny looked at him, just as uneasily. She finished with the flowers and took him by the hand.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you."

Leonard hugged Penny tightly. "I'm the one who should apologize. You're under so much pressure, and I'm complaining about closet space. I can't believe I did that."

Penny shook her head. "You weren't wrong. Neither of us was wrong." She led him to the couch and sat down.

"Every couple has disagreements," Penny said, "but we're not handling them well. And our life is going to get more tense as I get busier. I'm already so nervous about the play, and then this; I'm worried about us."

"Me too," Leonard said, sadly. "Any ideas?"

"Well, I want to figure out why we're fighting so much, and how to make it better. What do you think?"

"I think," Leonard said, "that communication is key. I talked to Howard today at work about it, just to get his advice."

"Oh, boy, relationship advice from Howard Wolowitz," she kidded.

"I know, I cringed myself. But the fact is that he and Bernadette have some good ways of dealing with things like this. For example, every evening they make sure to check in with each other to see if there's anything bothering them."

Penny nodded. "That's good. Keeps you from letting anger build up."

"That's exactly what Howard said. And he recommended a book about relationships. I stopped by the bookstore and got it." And Leonard reached into his bag, and pulled out _Marriage for Dummies_.

Penny laughed. "Is it good?"

"Actually, I looked over it, and it's got some really useful ideas. I think it will help."

"That's great, sweetie. Thank you for working on this. You're such a thoughtful husband. I wish I were as good to you as you are to me."

Leonard frowned. "You are, Penny, you are. You're just under so much pressure. Are there problems with the play?"

Penny sighed. "Yeah. George is a lot harder to work for than Diane. He doesn't seem to like my interpretation. He keeps interrupting me, and having me re-do scene after scene. Yesterday he was after me to get it right non-stop for just about the entire last hour of rehearsal. It's so frustrating, and he just seems to get more and more dissatisfied. I came away from rehearsal last night truly worried about whether I'm going to make it through rehearsals. The Maggie role is central to the play, and I obviously can't do it the way George wants. So I really have a feeling he's going to get rid of me."

"Oh, I can't believe that. Diane will be back soon anyway. It's probably just a matter of style."

"That's what Audrey said. But I'm not so sure. What makes it harder is that I don't have enough experience with George, so I never know quite how to take his attitude. But he always seems so dissatisfied with me…."

"Maybe you can talk to some of the veteran actors, to get an idea of what they think. Audrey, and people like DiCaprio – he's got decades of experience."

"That's a good idea. I'll work on it. But I'm really worried."

Leonard held her and rubbed her back, trying to reduce the tension.

She looked at him, a little reluctant. "Leonard, how important to you is that conference in Stanford? You're going to be away tomorrow and Saturday. I'm scared and I'd feel better if you were around."

Leonard sighed. "Penny, I really have to go. It's a big deal, and they invited Sheldon and me to present the latest extension of our paper. You know Sheldon refuses to go – I'm not sure if it's because of the airplane, or just his general contempt for those meetings. But we can Skype, and I'll be back Sunday afternoon."

Penny looked downhearted, but nodded. "I understand. Your work is important, and I don't want to hold you back. I'll miss you."

"I'll miss you, too, Penny. But I'll be back soon." And he kissed her lightly.


	5. Descent

5\. Descent

The next morning Leonard once more had to get up early, this time to catch his flight to the Bay Area. Penny tried to suppress her irritation as he lumbered around the bedroom. He was finally ready to go and sat down on the side of the bed.

"Penny," he whispered.

"You don't need to whisper, Leonard. You woke me up before and I haven't been able to get back to sleep."

"Oh, sorry. I just wanted to say good-bye."

Penny was suddenly wide awake. She realized that Leonard was going to be gone for two days and that she faced another dreadful rehearsal with George. The threat of being thrown out of the cast was now frighteningly real, and the prospect of being alone when it happened terrified her.

"Leonard, I'm scared. I think George is going to get rid of me."

"Penny, I can't believe that would happen. You said DiCaprio was positive, and he's the biggest star in the cast. And your other actor friend was sure that it would be all right."

"She was probably just trying to be nice. And Leo only said he liked my interpretation; he didn't say anything about my place in the show. If he really thought my position was safe, he would have said something."

"I'm sure it will be all right. Just try to relax and do your best. You can't do more than that."

Penny was on the verge of tears. "Please, can't you stay here? I might need a shoulder to cry on. This was supposed to be my big break, and I'm blowing it."

Leonard sighed. "Penny, I wish I could stay. But this is a major international meeting, and our paper is a featured session. It's an amazing opportunity that I really can't afford to miss. We can Skype tonight, OK?"

Penny composed herself, realizing she was asking too much of Leonard. "OK. Text me when you're available. And wish me luck. This could be my last day as an actor."

Leonard hugged her tight. "Don't think that. I'm certain it will work out. Get some more rest, it's still only 7. I have to go catch my flight. Love you."

Penny tried to get back to sleep, but she couldn't. She took out the script and worked some more on her lines, trying desperately to imagine what George wanted from her. At 8.30, as she was starting to get ready to head to Westwood, a text came in from Leonard.

 _Break a leg today. Love you. L_

She smiled and wrote back, _Love you too. Have a great conference. P_

That day's rehearsal was a repeat of the previous ones, only more so. George pushed very hard on all the actors, reworking scene after scene. But he appeared especially dissatisfied with everything Penny did. DiCaprio even seemed to notice it; from time to time he would catch Penny's attention and roll his eyes conspiratorially. She struggled through the day, and sighed with relief when it was over. George invited the cast over to their house to meet the new baby, but Penny was in no mood to socialize. At least she had the weekend to recover. But as she collected her things in her dressing room, there was a knock on the door. The stage manager came in.

"What is it, Seth?" she asked, apprehensively.

Seth looked uncomfortable. "George asked me to see if you could come in tomorrow afternoon with Leo to go through some of your scenes together. Do you think you could?"

Penny sighed and agreed, reluctantly. At least she wasn't getting fired. At least not today. A few minutes later, DiCaprio knocked and entered.

"So, just us tomorrow," he said lightly, leaning on the doorsill as she gathered her purse to leave. "I guess we're being kept after school for bad behavior."

Penny laughed as she walked toward the door, but DiCaprio saw the fear in her eyes. "Hey, Penny, I was just kidding. It'll be fun." He reached for her hand and squeezed it lightly. She could see the sympathy in his eyes. Those beautiful blue eyes that made her shiver. She felt better.

"Thanks, Leo. I appreciate it. You're right, it could be fun," she said, although she could not imagine anything less fun. They walked out of the building together, as Penny continued to share her fears with DiCaprio. Leo gave her a soft kiss on the cheek, ruffling her hair lightly, as they reached their cars.

"Stop worrying, Penny. It'll be fine. See you tomorrow."

As soon as she got home, Penny pulled down a bottle of wine. She collapsed into the couch, exhausted, poured herself a drink, and tried to relax by watching television. But she could not drive her nervous fears away, and spent most of the evening imagining the worst. A little after 10 PM she got a text from Leonard, and they connected on Skype.

"Sorry it's late, but there was a conference dinner and I just got in. You'll never imagine what happened," Leonard started, excited. "A team from Tokyo really likes our work and wants to hold a symposium there about possible extensions and applications."

"That's great," Penny said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

Leonard sensed her mood. "How did it go today?"

"Worse. I feel like I've been wrung out like a dishrag. And to top it off, George is making me go in tomorrow for a one-on-one."

"What's that?"

"He wants to work with me and Leo on our scenes together. I'm the only one he called in. This is bad, really bad."

"But he's working with you. Believe in yourself, Penny."

Leonard tried to soothe Penny's worried mind for another twenty minutes. Eventually they signed off.

"Let's talk tomorrow night?" she ended.

"I'm not sure how late we're going. There's another conference dinner and then I'm supposed to meet with the team from Tokyo. So it might be too late to call. I'll be back Sunday afternoon, anyway. Hang in there."

"I'll try," Penny said with a sigh. Afterwards, she tried to sleep, but her fears kept her awake for hours.

It seemed all too cruel to her: to have her hopes raised, only to see them dashed before they were realized. For years she had tried to develop her career as an actor, and for years she had failed miserably. Eventually she had reconciled herself to the failure, and moved on. And she was happy with her life. Then, as if by some sort of miracle, a new path had opened, one that promised to rekindle all her dreams. It was thrilling; she felt newly alive, reinvigorated.

And now Penny could feel it all slipping away. She would fail, yet again. George and Diane would see that she was inadequate to the task, and replace her with a real actor, somebody with proven talent. And Penny would have to slink back to her old life. She would have to admit to everyone that her fleeting moment on the stage had been a fluke. She would have to beg Dan to rehire her, to plead with him just to get back a job she hated. The fragile success she had barely started to build, and barely begun to enjoy, would come crashing down. Leonard and her friends might be supportive and understanding, but in their hearts they would know that she was a disappointment to herself and to those around her.

* * *

After a miserable night, it was all Penny could do to drag herself to the one-on-one. And, as she had feared, the Saturday afternoon session was even more intense and, if anything, even more upsetting. Penny and DiCaprio went over scene after scene, time after time. George never seemed satisfied, mulling over the script and their acting with a concerned air. He seemed unhappy with everything he saw and heard.

As afternoon turned into early evening, George had the two actors go over their last, climactic, scene on stage. The director stood below them, eyeing them closely. Whenever he saw or heard something he didn't like, he banged on the stage, hard, to have them repeat the scene. They'd start the section again, and again he'd interrupt with a whack. Each blow on the stage sounded to Penny like another nail in the coffin of her career. This went on for the better part of two hours, until finally around 7 PM George seemed simply to give up in frustration, and they knocked off.

Penny headed back toward her dressing room, as DiCaprio stayed behind to chat with George. She looked back at the two of them wistfully. It was a cruel twist of the knife, to go down in flames in front of her idol, the man she had been most eager to impress. Perhaps it was only fitting.

Penny was truly despondent now. It seemed clear to her that this was her last gasp in the cast. Her passing chance at a career in acting was coming to an end, and there was nothing she seemed to be able to do about it. She had tried desperately, for a week, to address George's dissatisfaction, to no avail. She had to face the fact that she just didn't have the talent to make it as an actor.

She stopped outside her dressing room, shaking her head and resting it lightly on the door before going in. Her dreams were shattered. Now it was only a matter of days before she would be thrown back to a life of flirting with doctors to make sales. She sighed deeply.

Penny sensed a presence next to her, and looked up with a start to see DiCaprio watching her from a few feet away, alarmed. Penny shook her head. "That was brutal," she said.

DiCaprio looked at her intently, and put his hand on her shoulder to hold her gaze.

"Are you all right, Penny?" he said, voice rich with sincerity.

"Sure, I love being raked over the coals by my director."

"Well, he can tough, but he means well." He furrowed his brow, and she could see the concern in his eyes. "You look pretty upset."

"I'm fine, Leo," she lied.

"You don't look fine," he said, looking at her intently. "Penny, I know eyes, and those eyes are troubled. Do you want to go get a drink or something and we can commiserate about our evil oppressor?"

Penny thought for a minute. "What the hell. I don't have anything to go home to tonight anyway."

"Great," DiCaprio said. "I'll come by in 15 minutes."

They walked out into the Westwood night and started to head for a nearby bar. But DiCaprio stopped soon out of the door.

"This won't work. Westwood is crawling with UCLA students," and Penny realized this was DiCaprio's life, unable to go anywhere without attracting massive attention. She stood there, unsure what to suggest. She had been looking forward to having a drink with DiCaprio – after all, how many women in the world could say that they'd spent time with the world's greatest leading man? And she knew this might be her last opportunity to get to know him, if she was right about the fading hope for her future in the company.

He settled on an idea. "There's a little place in the Palisades that knows me; they'll give us a table out of the way. Up for some dinner?"

Penny agreed readily. Even more time with this amazing actor…."I'll follow you," she said, as she started for her car.

"It's complicated to get to, I'll drive and then I can bring you back here or put you in an Uber," he offered. And they headed for his Escalade.

As they drove up Sunset, DiCaprio made a quick call to the restaurant on the hands-free, then turned to Penny, observing her carefully as he drove. "So what's the problem?"

Penny sighed. "George hates me, or at least hates my work. I'm pretty sure he's going to get rid of me."

DiCaprio was surprised. "I think you're doing a fantastic job! I don't believe you're in danger; what gave you that idea?"

"Come on, you can see it: he's constantly having me repeat scenes, and he always looks so dissatisfied."

DiCaprio glanced at her sympathetically. "I think he has you repeat your scenes because they're the most important ones in the show. And that man _always_ looks dissatisfied. It's just the way he is when he's directing. Nice guy otherwise; impossible as a director."

Penny looked doubtful.

"Seriously, Penny," he said gently. "I may not have a lot of stage experience, but I think I know a few things about acting. You're talented, insightful, and gorgeous to boot. Ignore George's complaining. It's just his style. Diane is much better with people in general, and on set in particular."

"He's supposed to be reporting back to Diane," Penny noted, "and that hasn't changed anything."

DiCaprio continued to try to set her mind at ease. "When Diane comes back, I think she'll be perfectly happy with your work. Have you talked to any of the other actors? How about Audrey? She's got a lot of stage experience. What does she say?"

"She's supportive, but I think she's just being nice."

He shook his head, amused by her lack of confidence.

Soon they were at the restaurant. They parked in back, and DiCaprio guided Penny to a side door, his hand on the small of her back. As he rang the bell, she leaned into his arm, taking comfort in the contact, and looked quickly at him. He gave her a wink as somebody opened the door and ushered them to a small table behind a screen.

"I need a drink," Penny said, drained. So they ordered a bottle of wine and started with that. The waiter obviously knew DiCaprio, and Leo ordered dinner for both of them. Penny loved the way he pronounced the names of the Italian dishes. It was the most sensual of languages to start with, and the words sounded positively creamy as they rolled off DiCaprio's tongue.

"Ooh," she pleaded as the waiter left, "say that again."

" _Pappardelle alla Bolognese,_ " DiCaprio said, putting all the feeling he could into it, humoring her. Penny mock-swooned. "Otherwise known as noodles in meat sauce," he added.

They laughed, but Penny leaned in, serious again. "Leo, I'm so worried about where I stand with George. Do you really think it's going all right?"

"You're doing great," he insisted, covering her hand with his. "I'm serious, I think you're one of the strongest characters in the show. I love what you've done with Maggie. You're talented, and beautiful, and smart; you're doing a wonderful job." He looked her in the eye, searching to connect. His gaze was probing, penetrating. "You need to believe in yourself. I believe in you, Penny." He stroked her wrist with his index finger, and she felt a frisson of pleasure and excitement, enjoying Leo's interest and support.

"OK, OK, I'll stop complaining," Penny promised, happy to move along to more pleasant subjects.

"So, tell me about yourself. Where are you from?" DiCaprio said warmly. He squeezed her hand and leaned back in his chair to listen.

They talked non-stop over dinner. Penny was enjoying herself for the first time since George started directing. Leo was funny and upbeat, and talking to him lifted her spirits. Every third sentence was a compliment on her acting, or her intelligence, or her beauty. And he was so handsome…she could have watched him talk forever. Looking into those blue eyes, she was drawn further and further toward the genuine depth of feeling she sensed there.

DiCaprio was having a great time, too. The young woman was gifted, and strikingly attractive, and obviously in need of a boost to her ego. He pulled out all the stops to shore up her self-confidence, enjoying his ability to make her feel better about herself and comfortable with him, an ability he had honed finely over the years.

They finished dinner and polished off the bottle of wine. Leo was talking now about his travels. He had been everywhere, it seemed. Venice, St. Bart's, Nice, Bali, the Seychelles….The pictures he painted were so vivid, the stories so exciting, that it took no imagination at all for her to see herself in the places she'd dreamed of, surrounded by the people she'd dreamed about, with Leo and his friends.

It was the life she had always pictured, from back in Nebraska until today. For ten years she had endured failure and disappointment, until suddenly a fantastic opportunity opened up. Then, just as suddenly, everything good seemed to be falling apart. Now, however, thanks to Leo, Penny basked in a bubble of warmth and contentment.

Leo held her eyes with his hypnotic gaze. He told her of his last trip, and in her mind she, too, was on a sailboat heading down The Channel in the British Virgins. She listened to Leo describe the turquoise blue of the sea, the gentle tropical winds, the brilliance of the starry nights. She dove with him off the deck into the limpid water, swimming slowly around the boat. His eyes sparkled as he drew her deeper and deeper into his extraordinary life. Blissfully she sailed with him over the horizon, unaware of the world, of where she was and who she was.

They ordered a dessert to share, and fought over the last bites of the tiramisu. Penny reached greedily across the plate, and Leo took hold of her hand to stop her, laughing. Their eyes met, and Penny blushed, her lashes batting furiously at the hunger in Leo's eyes.

Leo continued to regale her with tales of his travels, as she reveled in his wealth of experience. She drank in Leo's stories and marveled at his intelligence and charm. To think that she was part of this wonderful guild, a guild he ruled with his talent. To think that she was accepted and appreciated by this king among kings of the industry she had struggled so long to enter. It was an unimaginable feeling. Finally, she could relax and celebrate the goals she had achieved, the triumphs she now felt certain to have. With Leo on her side, success was assured.

They finished their coffee, leaning in over the table, then back into their chairs. Penny sighed happily, mildly drunk and fully relaxed. For the first time in days, she felt safe and secure, hidden away in the happy little world they had created in their corner of the restaurant.

DiCaprio contemplated Penny carefully. He knew eyes, and hers shone with excitement – and, beyond that, with vulnerability and longing.

Penny gazed back at Leo, caught up in a reverie. She still found it hard to believe that she was talking, as an equal, to such an extraordinary actor, and such an exquisite specimen of a man. She stared into those blue eyes, lost in the dream she was finally living. Her mind slid comfortably into another reality, a new reality, one she had longed for since she was a little girl.

DiCaprio broke into her trance with a soft suggestion. "Would you like to come over to my place for a drink? It's just up the road."

Dreams did come true. A great actor and the world's most beautiful man loved her work, wanted her.

"Sure," she said.

They got into DiCaprio's car and drove away, up the Pacific Coast Highway, into the darkness.


	6. Shattered

6\. Shattered

The next morning, Penny walked into her apartment and set down her purse. She walked over to her wine and liquor shelf. Grimly she took down every bottle, one by one, emptied them into the sink, and threw the bottles away. Only then did she go to the bathroom, where she took a shower for almost an hour, trying frantically to wash off all suggestions of the night before. Of the biggest mistake she had ever made.

Penny knew Leonard would be home within a couple of hours. She sat and thought, then paced for a while, then sat again. She knew that this might be the most important conversation they ever had. And she felt that their future – her future – depended largely on how she handled it. She searched online for articles about infidelity, and restoring trust, and reconciliation.

However, none of the articles were about Leonard Hofstadter and that, Penny knew, was the problem. Certainly their relationship had had its ups and downs, as her feelings drove them together, then apart, then together again. She had dated him, then broken it off for no good reason. She had pursued him, only to break his heart again. Then back together, despite her doubts. Finally, she had made up her mind, and had proposed, and they had married.

She had known from the start that he was special: kind, generous, funny, sensitive, and brilliant. He was true marriage material. But she had not been ready for the level of commitment she knew this implied. Over the years she had gradually overcome her ambivalence, eventually to realize that her initial impression was correct: this was the man for her. To her, the progression seemed inevitable, romantic, almost noble.

But to Leonard, she knew, all the back and forth held a completely different meaning. Time after time, she gave him hope, only to shatter that hope. The rejections fed his self-doubt, eroded his confidence. To him, the confusing inconsistency of their relationship reinforced the suspicion that he wasn't good enough for her, that she felt she could do better, that she was simply settling for him. _Penny_ knew this wasn't true; but what Penny knew didn't matter. What mattered was what Leonard believed. And what Leonard believed was that someday Penny might find somebody who was more in her league than him. And now, she thought to herself bitterly, he would find his worst fears confirmed.

As Penny contemplated how she could try to prove that, despite it all, Leonard's fears were misplaced, she thought of what she wanted Leonard to know. As she thought, all too soon, she heard the key in the door as Leonard entered.

He smiled brightly at her, and her heart jumped – at how much she loved to see him, at how hard this would be, at how she knew that smile would be erased, and especially at how this might be the end of it all. She took a deep breath, went to the door, and kissed Leonard long, hard, and passionately. Already she felt dirty kissing him, like she needed to purge herself before she defiled the love of her life. Nonetheless, she wanted this kiss to last. Maybe forever. Leonard was surprised, but complied willingly. Finally, she knew she had to begin.

Penny sat down on the couch and patted on the cushion next to her for Leonard to sit. He did so, sliding to embrace her. But she moved to the other end and looked at him seriously. She could see the concern in his eyes.

"Leonard, before I say anything, I want you to know that I've never loved anyone the way I love you. And that I love you with all my heart and soul. It doesn't matter what happens; that will never change."

Leonard looked confused. "Penny, what's going on?"

She swallowed very hard and looked straight at him. "I cheated on you."

"What? When? What are you talking about?"

She looked at him again. "Leonard, I did the most awful, thoughtless, stupidest thing I have ever done. I still can't believe I did it. And I want you to remember what I said: I love you with all my heart. But I did a terrible, terrible, thing."

"What did you do?"

She swallowed hard again. It would take an effort to get this out without crying. "Last night after rehearsal, I went to dinner with one of the actors. I had something to drink, and we ended up going back to his place. I drank some more, and we ended up in bed."

"What? Who? Wait, you only had that one-on-one with DiCaprio. DiCaprio! That bastard! He took advantage of you!"

"No. This is nobody's fault but my own," Penny said calmly. "He didn't know I was married; when he found out, he was horrified. And I wasn't that drunk. I don't remember much, but I remember that I went willingly. No, this is all on me. All of it."

Leonard stared at his wife in disbelief.

"But…but I thought you were happy. And we were going to try to have a baby? Penny, if you were dissatisfied with me, we should have talked about it. You should have told me, not run off to another man." His tone was sad and confused.

"Leonard, I was happy, excited about having your baby. I wasn't dissatisfied, I'm not dissatisfied. I just did a terrible thing. I wish I understood why. I don't. And saying I'm sorry isn't enough, isn't nearly enough."

Now he was starting to get angry, she could see. In a strange way, she felt better. He should be angry, he deserved to be angry. She deserved to be blamed, and punished.

"I…I don't know what to say," Leonard mumbled. "Everything was going so well….I should have known. I should have known it couldn't last." And now his anger was bubbling up.

"You had no right! You had no right to take what we had and stomp on it like that! We were talking about having a baby, for Christ's sake. Didn't that mean anything to you? Damn it, you're the one who suggested it. Were you just stringing me along?"

Penny needed to stay strong, to look at Leonard, to sustain the energy to try to do the impossible, to convince him not to leave her despite the pain she was causing him. She knew this was unlikely to work, but she had to try.

"Leonard, I love you now, and I will always love you, no matter what. You're absolutely right to be angry. I wasn't just stringing you along, and it meant _everything_ to me that we were going to try to have a baby. I can't justify anything. I can't explain anything. I did a terrible thing. It can't be undone. But maybe, maybe you can let me try to prove to you that it was just that, an awful mistake. I don't want it to tear us apart. I know it will be hard. I'll work on us every day, all day. I 'll do whatever it takes to convince you that I'm worthy of your trust."

Leonard stared at her. "I….I can't believe what I'm hearing. Two weeks in the theater, and you've already done it. What happens when you've made it, and you're spending all your time with people like DiCaprio? Will it be a different guy every two weeks?"

"Leonard, please," and Penny reached for Leonard, hoping that he would let her hold him, even just touch him. But he jumped up.

"No, no. It can't be like this. I can't stay here." He rushed out the door, and she followed him onto the fourth floor landing.

Leonard stood there, looking at her with a look between confusion and despair. "How could you? I can't believe you did this! How could you?!" he demanded, his voice rising with anger and confusion.

"Leonard, I'm sorry. Please, let's at least try to talk," Penny pleaded.

The door to Apartment 4A opened and Sheldon peered out, wondering what all the commotion was. Leonard gave him an anguished look and quickly started down the stairs. Penny headed after him, calling, "Leonard! Please!"

Sheldon could hear Penny's voice as she repeated his name, fading down the stairwell. He was dumbfounded.

Five minutes later, Sheldon heard the door to Penny's apartment close. He prepared a pot of tea and a tray, and went across.

Knock-knock-knock, "Penny."

Knock-knock-knock, "Penny."

Knock-knock-knock, "Penny."

"Come in, Sheldon."

"I know you're upset, Penny. I brought you a hot beverage."

"Thank you, Sheldon, that's sweet."

"What happened? Why did Leonard leave?"

"Sweetie, that's between Leonard and me."

"But he looked so upset. And you look so upset. I hate to see you two like this."

Penny looked at Sheldon. He was so naive, so inexperienced. And yet he was a man. Perhaps he could help her figure out what she could do, see if she had any chance at all of redeeming herself.

"Sheldon, let me ask you a question. What would you do if you saw Amy kissing another man?" 

Sheldon blanched. "Well, I did. When I went to bring her the engagement ring, I saw her kissing that English fellow, Dave."

Penny waved this off. "You were broken up then. I mean now. What if, now, tonight, you walked out onto the street and saw Amy kissing another man?"

Sheldon thought. "I guess I would confront her and ask her why she did it."

"Would you still want to be her boyfriend?"

"I guess that would depend on her answer."

Penny nodded. "That makes sense. What if it was something worse?"

"Something worse than a kiss? Like what?"

"Like what if she slept with another man?"

Sheldon looked at Penny in surprise. "That would be hard to believe. But if it happened, I guess I would think that she didn't want to be my girlfriend any more. And I certainly would not want to be her boyfriend."

Penny said, and now her voice was starting to plead a little, "But what if she said she was truly sorry? That it was a mistake? Do you think you could forgive her?"

And then Sheldon's expression began to change, as a look of understanding took hold. Then shock. "Penny," he whispered, "did you have coitus with another man?"

Penny looked away, and Sheldon had his answer. "Do you not love Leonard anymore?"

She looked back, now suddenly much more serious, urgent. "Sheldon, I want you to listen to me carefully. And remember everything I say."

"Of course. I always remember everything."

"All right. I love Leonard more than anything. I want nothing more than to be with him for the rest of my life. But I made a terrible mistake. And Leonard left. He may not want to see me for a while. He may never want to see me. But when you see him, I want you to tell him that this is what I said." And she paused to think.

"Leonard, I want you to know that I love you more than I have every loved anyone. You are the love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend. I know that I have hurt you deeply, and I know that I made an awful mistake. I know that what I have done may be unforgivable. But you are the kindest, most generous man I have ever met. And so I hope that you can find it in yourself to forgive me. Or if not that, at least to give me the opportunity to prove to you that I can make this up to you, that I can regain your love and your trust. This is what I want more than anything in the world. _You_ are what I want more than anything in the world." She finished and looked at Sheldon.

"Do you remember all that?"

"Do you want me to recite the third-person section or just the second-person section?" Sheldon asked.

Penny shook her head, confused. "Which is which?"

Sheldon sighed a little. "Third-person is where you're speaking about him; so it's where you started, "I love Leonard more than anything." Second-person is where you're speaking directly to him; so it's where you started, "Leonard, I want you to know…?" 

Penny smiled. "The second-person section, sweetie. The other if you want, but mainly the one where I'm talking directly to Leonard."

Sheldon was quiet. "Why did you do that, Penny?"

Penny shook her head quietly. "I don't know. Maybe I'll never know. I drank too much."

Now Sheldon shook his head. "You should drink less, Penny."

"I know, sweetie. I already threw out all my alcohol," and she gestured to the empty shelf. "I don't think I'll ever drink again. Certainly if Leonard will take me back, I'll never drink again."

Sheldon was quiet. "Are you two going to get divorced?"

And Penny could not hold it together. Sheldon was like a small child, asking this question. She knew how much this would hurt him, too. And she hated the thought of losing this guileless, brilliant friend. She began to cry.

"I don't know, Sheldon, I don't know. I hope not. I think it's up to Leonard. Maybe you can help. You're his best friend, he listens to you. Maybe you can convince him that I deserve another chance. Please, Sheldon," and she looked at him in desperation, "please promise me you'll try to convince him. I don't know how I can go on without him." And she collapsed into the couch.

Sheldon looked around, confused and embarrassed and very distressed. "Penny, I think I need to go look for Leonard. When he left he was very upset. You can leave the tray in our apartment."

She caught at his arm. "Promise me, Sheldon. Promise me you'll try to convince him that I'm worth another chance."

Sheldon looked at her. "All right, Penny. I promise." And he left, quickly.

Sheldon walked rapidly back to Apartment 4A. He knew he was not much of an expert on relationships, but he also knew how serious this was. He felt he needed to look for Leonard, and he felt he needed help from the only other person to whom he was truly close, besides Leonard and Penny.

"Amy?" he said into his phone, as he headed to the bedroom to change. "Can you come by to pick me up, right away? Something bad has happened and Leonard is out, very upset. I'm worried about him. I think we need to look for him."

He waited impatiently downstairs for Amy to arrive. When she did, he hopped into her car. "OK, let's go. I have a few ideas."

"Sheldon," Amy said, "you're scaring me. What's going on?"

"Please don't ask me. Just take my word for it. Something bad happened and I'm worried about Leonard. He just left so he can't have gone far."

Amy was terribly confused, but Sheldon first directed her to a nearby park. They looked for him, to no avail. He had her go to Caltech, and he went into the lab to see if Leonard was there. No luck. He directed her to another park, and while he went to look for Leonard, he asked Amy to call Raj and Howard.

When Sheldon came back to the car, empty-handed, Amy told him, "He's with Howard, at their house. Bernadette says he's talking to Howie, privately, and won't tell her anything. He seems very upset, like you said. Sheldon, what's going on?"

"Amy, please!" And Amy resigned herself to not knowing, for now. "What should we do?" she asked him.

"Go to Howard and Bernadette's, of course."

Penny sat in her apartment, all cried out. She was thinking clearly now, precisely, almost mechanically. She knew what she had to do. And she knew what was going to happen.

She walked across the way and knocked on the door of 4A. There was no answer. Out looking for him, probably. She got her phone and called Bernadette.

"Penny, what is going on?" 

"Is Leonard there?" she asked anxiously. "How is he?"

"He's very upset. He won't talk to me. He's in the study with Howie. They've been there for an hour. Amy and Sheldon just got here, too. And Howie asked me to call Raj, so I think he's on the way. What is happening, Penny?"

Penny arranged for Bernadette to meet her in a coffee shop midway. She chose a booth in the corner, where nobody was likely to overhear them. When Bernadette arrived, Penny sat her down and told her everything, including the identity of the man involved. She knew they'd find out from Leonard eventually, but she wanted Bernadette at least to hear it from her.

Bernadette was in tears. "Penny, why? I thought you two were so happy? Was Leonard mistreating you?"

"Bernadette, listen to me. This is really important. I want you to listen carefully. And you need to tell Howard, and Raj, exactly what I tell you. I want to talk to Amy myself. But you tell the men. Can you do that? For me?"

Bernadette nodded, drying her eyes.

"This was entirely my fault. I did an awful thing. I don't know why, I don't understand why. Something is wrong with me, I think. But this has _nothing to do_ with Leonard. What I mean is, he did _nothing_ wrong. _Nothing_. He's the most wonderful man I've ever met, and I can't bear the thought that I have hurt him so terribly. I don't know if he will ever forgive me, if he can ever forgive me, but I want nothing more than to be with him. So you have to tell the men, and anybody else if they ask, that this was entirely my fault. Will you do that?"

Bernadette nodded. And Penny could see that Bernadette understood the implications of what Penny was saying.

"Bernie, I know this means that they will all take Leonard's side. You should, too. There is no other side. What I did was indefensible. He needs you now. He needs you terribly. He has to have his friends with him, and around him. Promise me that you'll take care of him." Bernadette was quiet. Penny raised her voice, almost angry now, urgent. "You have to promise me that!"

Bernadette finally said, haltingly, "All right. I promise. But what about you, Penny? Who will take care of you? You must be hurting, too."

"I deserve to hurt," Penny spat out. "Don't worry about me. I have the play, and friends there. I'll be all right. But take care of Leonard for me, please…." And now she was crying, softly at first but then harder. Bernadette took her hand and led her out of the coffee shop, hugging her friend and shuddering at the pain both she and Leonard must be experiencing.

Penny stopped crying. "I have to go. Can I have one last hug, Bernie? I love you, Bernie. You know that. I love all of you. Tell Howard, and Raj, how much I love them and will miss them."

Bernadette nodded, unable to speak. Then Penny thought of something.

"You'll come to the play, won't you? It opens in about four weeks. Please, please come to the play. It may be the one thing I can be proud of, the one thing I get right."

"Sure, Penny, we'll come."

"Thank you, Bernie. I'll email you all the information, and I'll make sure there are tickets at the box office for you and the rest of the group. Tell them all. Tell them that if they only do one thing for me in the rest of their lives, they should come to the play."

"I'll tell them, Penny." And she was off in a rush, leaving Bernadette standing teary-eyed, on the sidewalk.

Penny ran up the stairs and knocked on the door of 4A. Amy opened it.

"Penny, what the hell is going on? Sheldon won't tell me anything."

Penny looked over at Sheldon, who was standing by the kitchen. He nodded at Penny. She had to smile. The one time she wouldn't have minded his revealing a secret, and he'd managed to hold it in.

"Is Leonard here?" she asked Sheldon.

Sheldon looked extremely guilty. "He came over to the building while you were out with Bernadette. He knew you weren't going to be around, so he wanted to get in and out quickly. He went into your place and took his stuff and he's staying with them. I'm sorry, Penny."

Penny sighed. She figured something like that would happen. She would have to try to reach out to him by email, or phone, maybe in person if he was willing. But now she had another task on her list. "Sheldon, do you mind if I go across the way to talk to Amy privately?"

"Of course not," and Sheldon walked over to where Penny was standing. He took her hand in his, gently, like a nobleman about to kiss it. "I told him what you said. Both the third- and the second-person parts. And I added some things of my own. I hope that was all right." Amy was watching, wide-eyed.

"Of course it was all right, Sheldon. Thank you so much. What did he say?"

"He listened. I tried, Penny. And I remember my promise to you. I will try to carry it out. It will be hard. But I think you know that. Good luck, Penny. I hope it works. I hope that more than anything."

"I know you do." And she turned to go across with Amy, then thought better of it. "Sheldon, do you think I can have a hug? It might be a while before there's another one."

"Sure," Sheldon said, and both Amy and Penny marveled at how easily he consented. Penny hugged Sheldon, and stayed in his arms for a good half-minute. Then she turned and led Amy into 4B.

"Penny, what is going on? This is surreal!" Amy said as she sat down.

And Penny repeated the story, as she had told Bernadette. Amy was shocked, and angry. Perhaps due to her relationship with Sheldon, she was much more protective of Leonard than Bernadette had been.

"Why, Penny, why? That man loves you so much. How could you do this to him?"

And Penny repeated what she had said to Bernadette, about it being her fault, and about the need for the friends to rally around Leonard.

Amy nodded assent, but it was clear that she was confused, and very angry. Penny asked for a last hug, as from Bernadette, and got one. But Amy had already taken sides, Penny felt. And that was, surprisingly, a relief.

When Amy left, curiosity got the better of her and Penny checked the closet. Leonard's things were gone. And she noted that he had tried, with modest success, to put hers back in their original order. The same was true of the medicine chest. Plenty of space for me now, she thought to herself, bitterly.

Penny sat down and started drafting an email to Leonard. She took full responsibility for having made a terrible mistake. She apologized as profusely as she could. She told him how awful she felt for having hurt him. And she told him that although what she had done was unforgivable, that he was the most wonderful man she knew and that if anyone could forgive her, he could. Then she told him to take good care of himself, to let his friends help. That if he would ever consent to see her, she would meet him anywhere, at any time. And that she loved him more than anything, and always would. She saved it, wanting to wait until later to re-read it before sending.

Penny lay on the couch, exhausted. She needed to move forward so as not to collapse. So she took out the script and began working on her lines. But she couldn't help herself: she wanted at least to communicate with Leonard. She re-read the email, and sent it off.


	7. Aftermath

7\. Aftermath

Diane returned to work quickly, as George had feared she would insist on doing. And, just as everybody had assured Penny would be the case, Diane's return completely changed the atmosphere of the rehearsals. For one thing, she had nothing but praise for Penny's work. And so, as quickly as Penny's fears had surged, to the point of terror, now they subsided until she could hardly remember why she had been so worried. Recalling her panic, and recognizing that it had almost certainly been unfounded, gave her one more set of regrets to add to the ache she experienced every day.

Penny felt fortunate that the rehearsals were now intense; this helped her keep her mind off the disaster that was her personal life. Familiarizing herself with the costumes, sets, and props, working with the other players, and settling into the routine of the rehearsals provided a comforting distraction from the misery that enveloped her whenever she was alone. She threw herself into rehearsals with a vengeance. It helped that every day the work seemed to go better and better. With Diane, Penny once more felt confident of her interpretation. She and Diane seemed to be very much in tune with one another. And the onstage chemistry with DiCaprio seemed to be intact.

But offstage she avoided DiCaprio whenever she saw him coming. After a day and a half of this, though, he knocked on her door and entered. He looked at her uncertainly. "Penny, I think we have to talk."

Penny nodded. "Leo, there isn't really much to say. I made a terrible mistake. I don't really want to talk about it."

Leo looked morose. "I feel awful. I had no idea you were married. I would never….Anyway, if there's anything I can do, tell me. Maybe it would help for me to talk to your husband, to explain that it was a mistake all around."

Penny shook her head and sighed. "That would just make matters worse. I appreciate that you're sorry it happened. But it wasn't your fault. It was mine. I take full responsibility. The main thing, Leo, is that we have to keep our relationship in the show working the way it should. We can't let this interfere."

"You're something else," DiCaprio said. "I don't know that I could go on like you have been. I truly, truly hope I haven't done too much damage to your marriage."

Penny had no intention of talking more about the matter with him, so she just shook her head and thanked him. They continued to work together well, although they never did anything offstage. And Penny, out of an abundance of caution, tried to make sure that whenever they were together – running lines, rehearsing a scene – there was somebody else present.

Penny dreaded returning to the apartment building and running into her friends, her former friends. So she decided to remain in her dressing room long after rehearsals ended every evening, reading or working on her part, delaying the trip home until it was late enough that she would be sure not to see anyone there. On Tuesday evening, Audrey knocked and entered.

"Howdy, neighbor!" she said. "Wanna go to dinner? You seem to be on your own tonight. My Jordan's up in the Bay Area."

"Sure," Penny said, grateful for the diversion. They went to a small place a few blocks from the theater.

After twenty minutes Audrey looked at Penny. "Something wrong, Penny? You're usually so upbeat. You can tell me," she said, spreading herself around the table toward the other actor.

Penny figured it couldn't hurt to have a friend, and to confide in one. And she liked Audrey a lot. "My husband and I are separated."

"What?! You guys seemed so much in love." Penny remembered that Leonard had met Audrey when he picked her up after one of the rehearsals, and that she had gushed about him to her several times.

"We were. We are. But I did something really bad, and he couldn't take it. It was my fault." Penny was getting used to the mantra.

"What on earth?! What did you do?" Audrey asked, now curious.

"It's private, Audrey."

"Oh, OK. Well, geez, I sure hope you guys get back together. That's sad. And it has sure put a damper on your mood."

They went out to dinner together the next couple of days, too, as Jordan was still out of town. Once the two of them went out with Sarah, who played the third of Quentin's women. Sarah was older and quieter; her husband was a graphic designer who also traveled a lot on business. Penny knew the dinners were not random, and she understood that Audrey felt Penny needed some support. Which was true.

For, despite her attempts to focus on the play, Penny could feel herself getting more and more depressed as the week went on. She did sometimes run into Sheldon or Amy at the apartment, usually on the stairs. Sheldon glared at her, Amy looked confused; at best, they nodded perfunctorily to her and moved on. Penny tried to ask how Leonard was, but they would walk quickly away, down or upstairs. A couple of times she heard noises in the hallway and looked out her peephole, hoping it was Leonard, but it had been Howard once, Raj another time. She really wanted to see them, too, but she knew it would be just as awful as when she ran into Sheldon or Amy.

Every evening of that first week apart, Penny sent a variant of the first email to Leonard. Leonard replied to each, briefly and with his usual courtesy: he thanked her for sending it and asked if she were all right. She always replied not to mind about her, and asked how he was. He never answered.

At the end of the week, as the Friday afternoon rehearsal broke and they separated for the weekend, Audrey and Penny were walking backstage, headed to their respective and adjoining dressing rooms. Audrey looked at Penny with glint in her eye. "Pretty amazing, to be working with DiCaprio. What a gorgeous man. I'd sure let him park his shoes under my bed!"

"Audrey!" Penny said. "What about Jordan?"

"Hey, this is Leo we're talking about! Come on, especially with your part and all the scenes you do with him, don't tell me you've never even thought about it, just a little bit."

Penny's features crumbled as Audrey looked on in shock. Penny began to cry, as Audrey took her arm and pushed her quickly into Audrey's dressing room.

"Oh my God, Penny! I had no idea!" She thought a minute. "Wait. Is this why Leonard left you?"

Penny nodded, sobbing quietly on Audrey's couch.

"You _told_ him?"

"Of course. I could never lie to him," Penny said, barely whispering.

Now Audrey was getting angry. "What did DiCaprio do to you? Did he give you that stupid "I know eyes" line? Every girl in Hollywood has heard that one. That son of a bitch! I thought he had _some_ scruples. How could he do that, with a married woman?"

"No, no, he didn't know I was married. My ring was off, we were at rehearsal." Penny said, recovering a little. "We went out to dinner, I guess I drank too much. It was all my fault, Audrey, all. Don't blame Leo. I made the biggest mistake of my life, and now I'm paying for it."

Audrey was stunned. She thought a bit, then asked, "Do you still love Leonard?"

Penny looked at her, almost angry. "Of course! Audrey, he was the love of my life. He _is_ the love of my life. I want to do anything I can to get him back. But so far, nothing is working. And so maybe it's over. All over. And to make things worse, all our friends are gone from my life." And she broke down again, sobbing on Audrey's couch.

"They're all taking his side?" Audrey asked, surprised.

"Of course!" she said through sobs. "His side is the right side. _I'm_ taking his side. I'm the slut here. I'm the –"

Audrey interrupted, "Stop that! Penny, get ahold of yourself. So all your friends have deserted you?"

"Of course!" Penny repeated. "Wouldn't you?"

Audrey thought a moment. "No. You need some support. Are you still living in the same building as those friends of his?"

"Yes. And they won't even look at me. Every time I see them I feel so horrible, like such a whore."

"Baby, you're moving in with me. My roommate moved out two months ago and I didn't get another one; I don't need the money, not with this job. It's in Santa Monica, it's near the theater. We'll have fun. And I'll be with you."

Penny looked at Audrey thankfully. "Really? That would be wonderful. I don't think I could take much more of living in that apartment, anyway. It reminds me too much of Leonard."

Audrey smiled at Penny and got her purse. "Why don't we go get your stuff at your apartment, and bring it over to mine. I don't want you spending another night alone."

Again, Penny assented. And by the end of the evening, Penny was established in Audrey's second bedroom. It was a cozy place a few blocks from the ocean. Sometimes the location made Penny sad, thinking about that romantic dinner and night by the beach nearby, the evening they decided to try to start a family. It was just a month ago, but it seemed like an eternity, and in such a different state of her world. But Audrey was a wonderful and supportive friend, and watched over Penny like a hawk.

* * *

Penny could not have known, but might have imagined, that all her friends were desperately trying to find a way to improve the situation. Howard and Bernadette were the most involved, for Leonard was confiding often in the engineer. Sheldon wasn't really equipped to handle the emotional issues, and Raj simply broke down every time the topic came up. So Leonard had long talks with Howard, trying to work through his feelings. And Bernadette tried to feed Howard ideas, as she had some notion of how Penny felt.

"We have to get them to at least talk," Bernadette said. "They love each other, everybody knows that. There has to be a way to get past this."

"I don't know, Bernie. Leonard doesn't seem willing even to see Penny. He's so angry and hurt it's hard to see. It's almost like he's in physical pain. I'm not actually sure it's a good idea for him to see her. He says just thinking about her with somebody else makes him crazy."

"I guess I never would have pegged him as such a jealous guy," Bernadette said. "He seems so rational all the time. Not Sheldon rational, but normal-person rational."

"Come on, Bernie, how would you feel if I came home and said I'd just spent the night with Daisy Ridley?"

"I guess if I knew who that was, I'd be furious. More than furious. I'd throw you out in a heartbeat."

"QED. Leonard's too nice to throw Penny out, plus it was her apartment, so he left. But it's the same thing."

"Well, I think they need to try to talk it out. At least once."

"OK," Howard said. "I'll talk to Leonard. And if he's amenable, you can tell Penny."

That Sunday, the intermediaries having succeeded, Penny drove from Audrey's place to Leonard's new address in Pasadena. She was particularly nervous, for reasons she had no intention of telling him about. She parked and looked at the pleasant-looking apartment building, newer and a bit fancier than their old one.

Penny buzzed and went in, then knocked on the apartment door. Leonard answered, looking very serious. Penny started to try to hug him, but it was clear he would not hug back, so she stood there, arms useless at her sides. She walked in and looked around. It was a very nice apartment. There was a living room area off to the left with a couch, a coffee table, and two armchairs, with a sliding-glass door that opened to a small patio. There was a dining alcove off to the right, and she noted that the table and chairs were the same style as the one she had helped Leonard pick out for Apartment 4A. Leonard had decorated it simply but tastefully. She felt incredibly proud of him.

"Leonard, this place is beautiful. You did it yourself?"

"I spent some time looking through magazines until I found what I liked, then went to Ikea and some other places. I'm glad you like it. I kept thinking about you as I picked things out, whether you'd approve. I know that's silly."

Penny felt a tear developing, and cursed herself. She so wanted not to cry. She knew that crying would only make things more difficult. She cleared her throat. "It's not silly. It's…sweet. It makes me feel a little better. Like maybe you think about me sometimes."

Leonard looked at her strangely. "Penny, I think about you all the time. Without stop. When I should be working. When I should be sleeping."

Penny felt the tears multiply, and looked around for something to distract her, and him. "Maybe we could sit?"

"Oh, sorry, of course." And Leonard led them to the living room area. He took one armchair and gestured at her to take the other, facing him across the wooden coffee table. She couldn't help but notice that he didn't have her sit on the couch with him.

Penny knew it was up to her to begin. She had thought long and hard on this. "Leonard, I don't know what I can say that I haven't said in those emails. But I want to say it again. I did a terrible, terrible thing. I'm not even sure why. But it was the biggest mistake of my life. That's not an exaggeration. It was. Because my life is with you. It has been with you for ten years, and it is meant to be with you forever. Putting that in jeopardy is the last thing I ever wanted to do."

Leonard nodded, but said nothing.

"I know it will be incredibly hard for you to ever trust me again. But I hope you can keep something of an open mind. A willingness to try. I know how much I've hurt you. Believe me, I have been suffering for this ever since it happened. Not," she hastened to add, "anything like what you've been suffering, I'm sure. But I can't forgive myself. And if I can't forgive myself, why should you forgive me? So I'm not asking for forgiveness. All I'm asking is for you to give me a chance to prove that I'm not hopeless. That there is hope for me. For us. Please." She ended with more of a pleading tone than she had meant. He had to want it, too. She wanted him to want it, for his own sake.

Leonard sat, looking miserable, staring at the floor. It reminded her of when she had met him. Had she destroyed his self-confidence so completely? She caught her breath to think that she had not only hurt him so badly, but thrown him back into a morass of self-doubt. She had to say something.

"Leonard, I don't want you to think that this had anything to do with you. You're the most wonderful man I've ever known. Nobody can compete with you for brains – I don't care what Sheldon says – for sensitivity, for generosity, for kindness. I meant what I said, what I've said so many times: you're the love of my life, my soulmate. That will be true no matter what. No matter whether you take me back or not."

He looked up now, and the suffering in his eyes and on his face was so intense that Penny gasped. Finally, Leonard spoke. "Penny, you know how much I love you. How long I've loved you. I want nothing more than to be able to forget this, to move past it."

Penny smiled, "Me too, honey. Any way we can, any way you want."

He shook his head. "But I can't. Every time I think about you, every time I try to think about you and me together, my mind is overwhelmed with visions of you with another man. When you walked in and started to hug me, immediately my mind filled with thoughts of whether you hugged him, how you held him."

Penny felt her chest constrict, making it hard to breathe. This was worse than she had expected. She had imagined anger, even hatred. But this was pure pain. She heard it in his voice, saw it in his eyes. And his pain bored into her with such force that she didn't know if she could stand it.

Leonard saw how white she had become. "Do you need some water? Some wine?"

Penny nodded. "Water, please," she was able to whisper. "No wine. I'm not drinking any more. Not since…then."

Leonard got up and brought her a glass of water.

Penny took a deep breath. "Leonard, that's so terrible. I can't even imagine how hard it must be. Whatever I can do, I will. If you want me to answer questions, I will, if that will help. Anything. Anything, baby. Please."

Leonard shook his head again. "Penny, the feelings are too strong. My imagination runs wild, and it all feeds into my own feelings of insecurity in ways that aren't healthy. Like was he better than me, why was he better than me, why did you go to him?"

Penny started sobbing, "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. I told myself I wouldn't cry but I can't help it. Don't say those things, baby, don't even think them. Nobody is better than you, you're the best ever, it has nothing to do with anything like that."

But he was still shaking his head. "And my mind is full of thoughts. Terrible thoughts. Thoughts that disgust me, that dishonor you. Thoughts I never want to think, thoughts that make me crazy."

"What thoughts, Leonard?" Penny asked. "Let me try to help, let me try to take some of the pain away."

Leonard looked at her, and the pain in his eyes just grew until she couldn't stand it. Finally he said, very quietly, "Thoughts like these, Penny. Did he make you come? How many times did he make you come? How many times did you make him come? Did you look into his eyes when you came? Did you say his name when you came? Did you go down on him? Did he go down on you? Did you sleep in his arms? Did you wake up in his arms? Did you think about me at _any_ time during that night?"

Penny sat, paralyzed with shock and horror, then shuddered and practically screamed with shame and self-loathing, "Oh God, oh God, please Leonard, no. Don't even say those things. Never say those things. Oh, I hate myself so much. I'm a slut, I'm a whore. I deserve to die." And she slid off the armchair onto her knees, collapsing onto the coffee table that separated them, her body convulsed with pain and sobs.

Leonard sat uncomfortably, then slowly walked over to where Penny lay, crumpled, between the armchair and the coffee table. He knelt down and stroked her hair gently.

"Penny, I'm not telling you this to hurt you. And you shouldn't hate yourself. Never hate yourself. I love you; that should tell you something, right? You're a good person who made a mistake. What happened, happened. I'm telling you this to try to explain why I can't see you. Why we can't meet to talk about this. It doesn't help. You see what happens? Maybe my mind will clear. Maybe I'll figure it all out. I hope so. I want to be able to see you again. I want to be able to talk to you. But right now, I can't."

Penny looked up at him. Even now, even here, he was so gentle and caring. His eyes were filled with pain, but also with compassion for her. And she realized that he was right. Being together now was not an option. Perhaps it never would be again.


	8. In pieces

8\. In pieces

Penny should have known that seeing Leonard the day before a rehearsal was a mistake. She barely made it back to Audrey's place in one piece, and almost immediately collapsed in tears. Audrey stayed with her much of the night, until finally she slept.

The next morning, Penny was not in much better shape. Audrey tried to convince her to tell Diane she was sick, but Penny refused, not wanting to endanger her position in the company.

The rehearsal went well, continuing the improvements of the previous week. Penny walked easily through the earlier, happier, scenes. The culminating scene was crucial, a very emotional one between Quentin and Maggie. They had done it many times before, and each time Diane made suggestions of how to raise the emotional temperature. The scene, she said, had to be searing, almost unbearable.

And this time it _was_ almost unbearable. Normally the theater was relatively noisy even during rehearsal, as the other actors whispered among themselves, and the crew went about its business, and Diane made notes to herself and talked quietly with George. But a few minutes in to this day's interpretation, the theater began getting quieter. Penny was giving Maggie a desperate intensity that was electrifying. She was speaking to Quentin as though her life depended on it – which, in the play, was exactly right and exactly what Diane had been working toward. But this time Penny was a whole step above where she had been. Even DiCaprio had to work to keep himself from stopping to watch her plead and sob her way through the scene. Diane and George looked at each other and smiled. Their choice for Maggie had proven correct.

As the scene ended, replete with emotion, the actors relaxed and the lights came up. But Penny remained prone on her platform above the stage, crying bitterly. The other players looked at her with curiosity, then with increasing concern. DiCaprio looked uncomfortable as he walked across the stage, away from Penny.

Audrey strode quickly to Penny and helped her up. "Honey, come with me," and she led Penny to her dressing room.

Penny collapsed onto the couch, sobbing even more uncontrollably now. "He won't talk to me, Audrey. He can't talk to me. We can't be together. It's over. I did it, I ruined everything." Audrey was trying to comfort her, when a knock came on the door.

They didn't answer, but Diane continued. "Penny, we need to talk" and she opened the door and walked in.

"What is going on? What's wrong?" Diane asked, gently, but very confused.

Penny was too distraught to answer. Diane looked at Audrey, who looked at Penny. Penny nodded – it was all right for Audrey to explain.

"Leonard left her," she said, simply.

"What!" Diane said. "How could he! That son of a –"

"No, no," Audrey interrupted. She knew Penny didn't want Diane, or anyone, to speak ill of Leonard. "Penny made a mistake, a bad mistake, and Leonard found out. She knows she was in the wrong, and she's terribly sorry, but he's having a hard time forgiving her."

Diane sat next to Penny. "I'm so sorry, dear. What a terrible situation."

Penny looked up at Diane, her face contorted in pain. "I ruined everything, Diane. I cheated on the best man I ever knew. He's gone. I don't deserve him. I don't deserve anything. I don't deserve to live." And she began crying even harder.

Diane looked at Audrey in shock. "How long has this been going on?"

"About a week and a half. She's staying with me. It's not usually this bad. But she saw him yesterday, and it didn't go well."

Diane thought for a minute, then took up Penny's hand. "Penny, I want you to look at me."

The young woman looked up, trying to stop her sobbing.

"Penny, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I want to be here for you, and try to support you. But you need professional help. Do you have a therapist?"

Penny shook her head no. Then she stopped. "Yes, I know one." Dr. Gallo. She was nice, she would help.

"I want you to start seeing her. Right away. You need help to get you through this."

Penny nodded.

"I mean it. This is not just me as a friend. This is me as your director. You have to get help, now, or else I don't think you're going to be in any condition to continue in the cast. We're in tech week already, and I can't risk a repeat. You need to start seeing someone. Can you promise me that?"

"I promise," Penny said, serious now.

"Audrey, will you make sure Penny carries through?"

Audrey nodded. Diane kissed Penny on the top of her head. "I hope it all works out, dear. Sometimes they just need some time to clear their heads. I think Leonard loves you very much. Right now he's hurting, maybe as much as you. But you two are good together. And I hope you work it out." And she got up and left.

After a few more minutes Penny had collected herself. She began to get up to leave, but Audrey stopped her. "Do you really have a therapist?"

"Sort of. I saw her once, a couple of months ago. She was great. I'm going to call her."

"Call her now," Audrey said firmly.

"All right," Penny said meekly. She looked up Dr. Gallo's number, called, and left her number with the answering service, saying that it was quite urgent that they see each other.

When she had finished, Audrey took Penny by the hand. "Let's go home, honey. You need to rest."

Dr. Gallo must have understood the urgency of Penny's message, because she called back almost immediately, while they were on the ride to Audrey's apartment. Penny took the call as Audrey drove them home, and was able to make an appointment for early the next morning, before rehearsal.

* * *

Dr. Gallo greeted Penny warmly. "It's good to see you again, Ms. Hofstadter."

"Penny, please."

"All right. How have you been?"

"Not good," Penny responded, and she proceeded to tell Dr. Gallo what had happened.

Dr. Gallo sat back in her armchair. "I'm so sorry to hear about this. It must be very difficult."

"It is. It's gotten to the point where the director of the play I'm in said I had to get a therapist. And this is a big play, an important job; it could be my big break."

Dr. Gallo looked wary. "Are you just here because the director insisted?"

"No, no!" Penny assured the doctor. "As soon as she said that I needed to see somebody, I realized she was right."

"Good. Well, this is not going to be easy. I'm sure you realize that. You've suffered a terrible loss. You need to figure out how to grieve, how to deal with the pain and sadness, so that you can move on."

Penny stood up. "No!" she said, almost angrily.

Dr. Gallo looked at her, startled.

"Sorry," Penny apologized. "Sorry, but that's not what I want. I don't want to move on. I want to get Leonard back. I'm not ready to move on. I don't know that I will ever be."

The doctor mulled this over. "Well, I'm not sure that I can be directly useful there. But maybe there are things we can do. You mentioned that you didn't understand why you did what you did. Is that right?"

Penny nodded vigorously. "Yes. I go over and over it in my mind and I can't figure out why I did it. I remember going with him to his house, but I don't remember hardly anything else afterwards, from that night, which is weird because I don't think I drank that much. The main thing I do remember is waking up the next morning and being horrified. Complete panic. I think I even screamed. And I ran out of that house as fast as I could. But I don't really remember the night before; it's all a haze. And why I ended up there, why I did such a stupid thing, is something I agonize over."

"First things first. It's not too surprising you can't remember much. Our minds often suppress memories of things that are very painful. There might be other explanations – alcohol, for example, or drugs. Are you certain this man didn't slip you something in a drink?"

"Quite sure. We drank at the restaurant, and I poured the drinks at his house."

"Well, at least we can rule that out. However, as I say, it is not uncommon for painful memories to be suppressed. But back to the main point. You say you don't understand why you did this. So maybe we can concentrate on trying to understand it. Trying to figure out what it was that led you to this behavior."

Penny's eyes lit up. "That's right! Maybe if I can figure out why I did it, I can try to address the causes. And if I can understand why I did it, I can explain it to Leonard. We've been there before." And she told the doctor about their experience with Leonard and the kiss on the North Sea, and the ill-timed revelation on the way to Las Vegas.

"So," Penny said, "once we both understood that we had been unconsciously trying to sabotage the marriage, that made it possible for us to get past those issues. And so maybe if we can both understand why I did such a terrible thing, Leonard will be able to get past it."

Dr. Gallo smiled. "I hope so, Penny. But you have to understand that's not really how therapy works. We're not here to get you and Leonard back together, to talk about strategies to convince him that he should forgive you. We're here to help you understand yourself better. Maybe that will be helpful in your relations, and your life more generally. But I'm not a matchmaker."

Penny nodded seriously. "I understand. Still, this is exciting. I think you identified the big issue: why did I do this? If only I knew, then maybe I could figure out how to move forward. Both with myself, and with Leonard. Right?"

"I hope so," the doctor said. "Let me mention one more thing. I know you're concerned about how this might be affecting your performance on the job, and you seem to be facing a lot of immediate issues. I'm going to suggest that we meet more than once a week. Twice to start; and then more if you are interested. Does that appeal to you?"

Penny nodded vigorously. "Yes, yes, the sooner we can make some progress, the better!"

* * *

Audrey noticed an improvement in Penny's mood over the next few days. She kidded a little, and seemed more active around the house and more upbeat at the theater. This was important, as within a week the show was going into previews and the schedule was going to be grueling.

Penny enjoyed Audrey's company. When he returned, she met her boyfriend, who did not live with her but was around a lot. Jordan turned out to be a handsome, slight man who specialized in musical theater and had a beautiful tenor voice. He was a quiet counterpart to Audrey's boisterous energy. But Penny was fascinated to see how their relationship worked, and seemed to work well. They were clearly in love, but they seemed in no hurry to get married, or even live together. Different strokes, she figured.

One thing Penny especially liked was that Audrey always called her boyfriend "My Jordan." There was something so casually loving about it that Penny decided it made sense for her, too. And it would help her remind herself that, in her own mind at least, Leonard was hers, only hers, always and forever.

Penny also got to observe how Audrey and Jordan lived their lives. Despite their definite success – both had worked steadily for years – and their mild fame, they lived a stolid sort of family life. They never ate takeout; both were excellent cooks. Audrey couldn't believe that Penny didn't know how to cook and made it her business to teach her. Much to Penny's surprise, she actually enjoyed the process: it was relaxing and, when successful, gave her a sense of accomplishment.

The couple went out to bars or clubs once or twice a week, taking Penny along if she was interested. But mostly they did simple things together. On the weekends, for example, they'd walk around the beautiful neighborhoods in the fancier parts of Santa Monica. Penny went with them, strolling north of Montana and even north of San Vicente. The couple commented on which houses they liked, and what styles they preferred; on the landscaping, and which plantings they admired. Penny asked Audrey if they were thinking of buying a house and Audrey admitted that they had that as a goal; they were saving up for it but were a couple of years away. Penny was impressed at how two young, successful, actors could be so serious about setting up housekeeping.

One morning, as the two women got themselves together to head to the theater, Audrey remembered that it was garbage collection day. As Penny got dressed, Audrey went around the house with a garbage bag, emptying the trash cans. As she went to empty the trash can in their bathroom, she stopped short.

Ten minutes later, Penny came out of her room to find Audrey sitting on her couch, looking angry. She called her over with a crook of her finger.

"Penny, are you pregnant?" she said, holding up a box and pregnancy test.

Penny sighed. "Yes. I was going to tell you, but I wanted to wait until the weekend. I found out about a week ago, but they say to re-test after a week."

Audrey softened a little. "Oh." She paused. "Whose is it?"

Penny's eyes blazed. "Leonard's, of course! Who else's would it be?"

"Well," Audrey say, practically, "it could be one other person's. I just wondered…."

Penny relaxed a little. "No, it's Leonard's. The timing's wrong for…the other thing. It's my Leonard's."

"What are you going to do?"

"What do you mean, what am I going to do? Have a baby."

Audrey nodded. "All right, I figured that. But I mean about telling Leonard."

"No way. I can't tell him, not now. I know him. If he knew I was pregnant, he'd get back together with me in a hot minute, just out of a sense of responsibility. And I couldn't have that. That wouldn't be right. If he's going to let me back in his life, it has to be on _his_ terms, not mine, not out of guilt."

Audrey was quiet. "I guess I understand that. But, Penny, he's the father. He has the right to know."

Penny bit her lip. "I know. It's confusing. I can't tell him now. But he'll know eventually, of course. I guess I'll see how the next few weeks go. If nothing has changed in a month or so, I'll tell him."

"I don't think that's right, Penny," Audrey said cautiously. She knew how fragile the young woman was, especially given this new information. But she had to speak her mind. "Leonard is the father, and he's your husband. You can't keep this kind of information from him. It's not fair to him."

Penny listened carefully, but shook her head. "You don't understand my Leonard. If he knew, he'd want to get back together, just out of guilt and a sense of responsibility. But I can't let him take me back just because of that. You have to help me. Promise me you won't let me give in, just because of the baby. I don't want us to be together for the wrong reasons. That wouldn't be right for my Leonard, or for me – or for the baby. Can you respect that? Please?"

"I suppose. I'm still not happy about it, but I'll do what you want me to do. Boy, things are getting pretty complicated, aren't they?" Audrey shook her head, laughing internally to Penny's new name for her husband.

Penny smiled, and Audrey relaxed a little more. It was the first real smile in a long time. "Sorry for dragging you into this. But at least it will give you some great gossip someday."

Audrey got suddenly serious. "Penny, I will never talk about this to anyone – unless you want me to. This is your life. I know how much it all means to you. I may be a gossip, but I don't play games with people's lives."

Penny waved her hand. "Kidding, Audrey, kidding. I know that. I trust you like I trust myself. Which is not very much, these days, but it will have to do."

A few days later, Audrey drove Penny to the doctor's office – ironically, the same one Penny had met Diane in. Her regular Ob-Gyn didn't deliver babies, and the list of doctors she recommended included Dr. Grossman. Penny thought that if Dr. Grossman was good enough for Diane, she was good enough for her.

The doctor confirmed the pregnancy, ordered a series of blood tests, and gave her a sheath of brochures to take home and study. Penny asked if there was anything special to know or do given her participation in the play, and the doctor only indicated that she should take the normal precautions. On the way out, she set up a series of monthly visits, and headed with Audrey to the theater.

* * *

Rehearsals became more and more intense, as they moved toward the dress rehearsal and the previews. Penny thought it was remarkable how Diane interwove all the complicated aspects of the play in ways that maintained its power and coherence. And Penny thought all of the actors were outstanding. She was learning so much from Audrey and Sarah – the Three Wives, Audrey call them – and from watching how methodically and seriously DiCaprio went about perfecting his craft. There were problems, to be sure, right up to the Dress, but they became gradually less daunting. And the feedback Penny was getting now was entirely positive, so she felt very good about her interpretation.

Penny was surprised to find Diane waiting for her at her dressing room when she arrived one morning for one of the last rehearsals during tech week. They went in, and Diane sat Penny down next to her on the couch.

"Penny, you're doing wonderfully. But I'm concerned about something."

Penny swallowed apprehensively. Diane noticed the fear and assured her, "It has nothing to do with your performance. It's something else."

"What, then?"

"I've been around, dear. I see how you and Leo treat each other. So I'm pretty sure I know what happened." Penny looked down in shame.

Diane continued, ignoring the younger woman's embarrassment. "I'm sorry it caused problems with your husband, and I hope you can work things out. And I know it must be difficult working with Leo, given what happened. That's as a friend. But I'm also your employer. Actually, George is, but given the circumstances we thought it would be best if I talked to you."

"About what, Diane? Is it impeding my work?"

"Not at all, at least not that I can see. That's not the issue, Penny. The issue is whether it was consensual. Leo has a history, dear."

Penny looked down, even more ashamed. "Yes, it was consensual. I had something to drink, but I knew what I was doing."

"Are you sure you were in a condition to consent? How much had you had to drink?"

"Just a few glasses of wine, over several hours. Believe me, there was no coercion involved. Nobody else is to blame."

Diane insisted. "I have to make sure. In part because, frankly, it seems out of character. I've spoken to Audrey and she agrees – sorry, dear, we're not going behind your back, but these are serious matters. We find it a little hard to understand."

Penny sighed. "Diane, it was consensual. I have no excuse. My husband was out of town, and I did a terrible, stupid, thing. I was in a bad place, I thought I was going to be fired, and he comforted me."

Diane looked at her, confused. "What do you mean, you thought you were going to be fired?"

"Oh," she explained, "it was the week George replaced you, after your baby was born. He was really unhappy with my interpretation. He must have told you. I guess we worked it out, but I really thought he was going to let me go."

Penny saw a look of anger flash across Diane's face, then it was gone. "Well, that's unfortunate. Anyway, thanks for talking to me. I know this is very hard for you. Anything I can do to help, just let me know."

Penny smiled sadly. "Know of a magic potion to get your husband back?

"I wish…."

Penny remained on the couch for another few minutes, thinking sadly about the conversation and its context. While she was still there, George knocked and entered. He looked pale.

"Penny," he said, somewhat fearfully, "it's been brought to my attention that I may have given you the idea at some point that we were dissatisfied with your work on this production. If that is the case, I am truly sorry. I never thought you were anything but wonderful as Maggie. I suppose I may have transmitted concerns, but I hope you understand that I never questioned your value in this company." It sounded scripted; and given the characters involved, perhaps it was.

"No problem, George. It's all in the past."

George nodded and left. Penny sat, ever more disheartened. The source of her original upset, what had given her the excuse to seek comfort with another man, had been nothing more than a misunderstanding, a difference in styles. Just like everyone, including Leonard, had told her. What a waste. But she had to smile, wondering how the conversation between Diane and George had gone after Diane left Penny's dressing room. She wasn't sure if Diane was worried about legal consequences, or just furious at George's behavior, but it did indicate who called the shots in that marriage, producer or no producer.

Later that afternoon, as soon as the rehearsal ended, Audrey made sure to buttonhole Penny and get her back to the apartment quickly. She sat her down on their couch.

"Honey, I know you might be mad at me for talking with Diane, but we were worried."

"I'm not angry, Audrey. I was sort of touched that Diane cared. Although maybe it was just because of legal liability issues, or something."

"Well, maybe. But I think she cares. We all care. And we all want to make things as easy for you as we can. Things like this happen all the time in the theater, of course. I've lost track of the number of catfights, and lovers' quarrels, I've seen. But people work through it; we're professionals. I remember one couple that was going through a really bitter divorce, while they were playing two people falling madly, deeply in love. They held it together."

Penny smiled. "I'm not sure I could go that far. But I'm trying to stay professional."

"And you are, like a trouper. Actors are crazy, and they do crazy things, and then they have to go on anyway. But that's one of the reasons Diane and I were worried. You don't seem to be the type to do crazy things."

"I'm not, I guess," Penny agreed. "At least I thought I wasn't; hadn't been, for years. That's one of the things I'm trying to figure out with my therapist, why I did this. Especially when after ten years I was so settled with Leonard, and so happy with us."

"Ten years?! What, did you meet in middle school?"

"Hardly," Penny laughed. "Well, we met ten years ago. But we haven't been together all of that time." And she told Audrey, in more detail than she had before, the full story of how their relationship had developed. And she tried to explain to her friend just how, and why, her years with Leonard had changed her, changed both of them, and made them what she had thought was a perfect unit. Until now.

Audrey sat quietly as Penny finished. "Honey, that's a beautiful love story. And you know, all great love stories have a crisis somewhere in them."

"Wonderful," Penny said, "so we're Romeo and Juliet. A lot to look forward to."

Audrey laughed. "In your case, I sure hope it ends happily. I know that makes bad theater. But theater's not life. Anyway, I'm an optimist. I choose to be an optimist. And I hope that you get what you want."

Penny smiled. "I hope you're right, Audrey. I wish Leonard felt the same, but these days I'm not so sure he does."

Audrey looked at her, a little uncertainly, then resolved to dive in. "Penny, I know you're all focused on getting back together with Leonard. But maybe you should take some time to think about what you want out of life. And out of this life."

"What do you mean?"

"Life in Hollywood is exciting, seductive," Audrey began. "You're going to have the chance to go to some pretty impressive parties, with some pretty famous people. There's easy access to drugs and sex and who knows what. Both my Jordan and I went through our periods of, I don't know, experimentation. In our case, we decided that life wasn't for us. Now you're in a position where you have to decide, too. The way you talk makes it seem like you want something more settled. But the life of a successful actor can be full of very tempting opportunities that don't sit well with a normal family life. If you're committed to a more settled life, you have to know that there are going to be lots of temptations along the way. It's up to you to resist them – that is, if you actually do want to."

"I want to, really," Penny assured her friend. But she could see the look in Audrey's eyes, saying that so far, the record was not good. Penny had been presented with one temptation, and she had succumbed to it, and it had changed her life. She sighed.

"I get it, Audrey. Thanks for talking to me. It really helps. And do me something: if you see me acting in ways that you think put a normal life for myself in danger, you warn me. If I don't listen, that's on me. But at least, warn me. Promise?"

"Promise," Audrey said, smiling.


	9. Dealing with it

9\. Dealing with it

Back in Pasadena, Leonard was trying to get on with his life. He threw himself into his work, staying late in the lab. But he could not really concentrate on the research. Instead, he ended up brooding. For help dealing with his distress, he spent much of his spare time with Howard. Sheldon and Amy were absorbed with the new level of their relationship; Raj was an emotional wreck in the best of times. Howard was the only one he could really talk to. They spent many evenings together, with Leonard working through his pain as Howard tried to help his friend deal with the greatest betrayal of his life.

One weekday morning, Leonard was in the lab, seated at his bench trying without much success to concentrate on a delicate calibration, when a tall man in a strange hat and sunglasses – indoors – wrapped in a scarf – despite the warm weather – knocked and entered. "Dr. Leonard Hofstadter?"

"Yes?"

The man took off the hat, sunglasses and scarf, and stood there, expectantly.

"Can I help you?" Leonard asked, looking up briefly from his instruments.

"You don't recognize me?"

"Sorry, no. Should I?" Leonard apologized, looking up again.

"I guess not. Well, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio."

Leonard jumped up. "What are you doing here? I think you should leave," he said, eyes blazing.

"Please, please, I know you hate me. I feel terrible about what happened. But I really need to talk to you, to tell you some things about Penny," he pleaded.

"Mrs. Hofstadter to you!"

"Right, Mrs. Hofstadter. Please! I promise I won't take long."

Leonard looked at him with unbridled hostility. "All right. You have five minutes," and he looked at the clock.

DiCaprio rushed to speak. "First of all, you have to know that I did not know that Pe – Mrs. Hofstadter was married. If I had, I never would –"

"OK, I get it," Leonard interrupted. "Not sure why that matters to me. Moving on."

"Right. I want to tell you that in the morning, when she realized what had happened, she was devastated. I don't know that I understand it all, but she was horrified. She literally screamed. Loud. She wouldn't let me near her, let me call her a cab, anything. She was out of the house like a shot. So I wanted you to know that."

"Again," Leonard said, "not sure why that matters, considering. Three minutes 30 seconds to go."

DiCaprio looked down. "I also wanted you to know that I bear a lot of fault for what happened. I'm not proud of myself. I know about my reputation – the Pussy Posse and all that – "

"The what?!" Leonard asked.

"Never mind, not important. But I'm not happy about it, at all. Pe – Mrs. Hofstadter was upset about the rehearsals, in a very vulnerable state of mind, and I took advantage. I shouldn't have, I'm ashamed of myself, but there you have it."

"Two minutes."

DiCaprio tried to speed up. "Maybe the most important thing is this. Your wife is dreadfully, terribly sad. I know eyes, and I can see it. She loves you deeply, and she's desperate. She's working very hard, and she's a great performer, but it pains me to see how miserable she is. And frankly, if you don't mind, I see the same look in your eyes, Dr. Hofstadter. You two belong together. Believe me, if I could take that night back, I would. I can't. So maybe the next best thing is to beg you to try to work things out. For your sake and for hers."

"Time's up." Leonard opened the door and motioned for DiCaprio to leave, slamming the door behind him.

DiCaprio walked slowly back across campus, not bothering to put his semi-disguise back on. After a few minutes, he realized that perhaps at Caltech it wasn't all that necessary, as he didn't seem to be drawing any attention. He got into his Escalade and sat thinking. He was almost 42 years old, and had never had a continuous relationship that lasted more than a year or two. He could identify, and perform, the passion, and the pain, that he saw in Leonard and Penny's eyes. But he had never really felt them. Or the love, either, he guessed. He sighed, drove his Escalade slowly out of the parking garage, and headed over to Westwood.

Leonard was shaking as he walked into Howard's lab. "You'll never believe what just happened." And he told his friend the story.

"Incredible." Howard shook his head. "Why didn't you just throw him out?"

"I don't know," Leonard shrugged. "I guess part of me thought he might give me some insight into what happened. Or some news of Penny."

"Leonard!" Howard exploded. "How can you be so naive?! That bitch probably put him up to it!"

"Howard," Leonard cautioned sternly, "I've asked you not to talk about Penny that way. I don't like it."

"OK, OK. But I can't believe you can just sit back and calmly take things like this, after what she did to you."

"There must have been reasons. I don't know what they were. I don't think she knows what they were. But nothing happens without a reason. Not saying that's an excuse. Just that I want to understand. Maybe if I understand better, I can accept better. And maybe if I can accept better, I can consider whether there could ever be a chance of getting back together."

Howard looked at his friend with sorrow and pity. Penny was dead to him, as he had told Bernadette over and over. He could not understand why Leonard was not angrier at Penny. But for his friend's sake, Howard tried to support Leonard in his belief that there might be some possibility that the marriage could be repaired. And he listened sympathetically as Leonard tried, hour after hour, to piece together in his mind a picture of why what he had thought was a solid relationship had fallen apart so quickly.

Leonard knew how furious Howard was at Penny, and how confusing he found it that Leonard did not seem to share his anger. Well, Leonard had been angry at first, enraged at how Penny had destroyed their marriage in one night. It had taken all his self-control to respond to her emails politely, when what he had really wanted to do was to hurt her as much as she had hurt him, to confront her with the enormity of her transgression, to call her the names she had called herself. But his anger had turned eventually into sadness.

For Howard did not know Penny as Leonard did. Howard had not heard the sincere remorse in her voice as she tried frantically to convince him to stay. And Howard had not had to watch as the woman Leonard loved lay sobbing uncontrollably on the floor of his apartment. Nor had Howard seen the desperation in Penny's eyes when, after more than 20 minutes, she was able to pull herself together enough to rise from the floor. And Howard had not been there to realize that all she wanted at that moment was for Leonard to hold her, and that he could not bring himself to do it. Howard did not have to stand with Leonard, mute and frozen, as Penny gazed longingly at him, her love for him so clear and obvious that it made him gasp – but still not be able to touch her – and watch her walk slowly to the door and leave, looking back at him in agony. And, perhaps most important of all, Howard did not understand that Leonard had no idea how to go on without Penny in his life.

And so, regardless of what Howard thought, Leonard felt his anger give way to sorrow, then despair. But Leonard knew himself well enough, and knew enough about psychiatry – perhaps his mother had given him at least one thing of value, after all – to realize that he was in danger of sinking into a deep depression. So he combated the depression by trying to do what he did best: thinking, analyzing. Whenever he felt the gloom begin to overwhelm him, Leonard attempted to focus on understanding what had happened. There had to be a way to make sense of the collapse of their marriage. What signs had he missed? What had been going on inside Penny that he had not picked up? What were the flaws in their relationship of which he had been unaware? And, most important, why had Penny done something he would never have thought her capable of?

* * *

In Westwood, they were now into previews. The schedule was intense: Wednesdays and Saturdays, call at 10 AM for the matinee, then a quick dinner, then the evening performance, done by 10 PM. Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, call at 1 PM, work on notes, evening performance, done by 10 PM. Nine-hour days on good days, twelve-hour on matinee days. On top of which the excitement always took a couple of hours to wear off; she'd hang out with Audrey, maybe a couple of other cast members, until they were relaxed enough to go to sleep. Penny couldn't imagine keeping it up for a three-month run, but Audrey explained that once they were into the run, with few changes to be made and rehearsed, call would be later – perhaps 1 PM on matinee days and 4 PM or even later for evenings. And previews were just for two weeks. That was a relief.

The preview schedule was brutal, but at least on Sundays and Mondays the theater was dark. And that, along with the three free mornings a week, gave Penny time to see Dr. Gallo, to think about her personal life, and to work on putting it back together.

With Dr. Gallo the focus remained on trying to understand Penny's thinking. It was a new experience for Penny. The very attempt to put her feelings into words gave her a different understanding of herself. As she tried to express her emotions to another person, they became clearer in her mind. She talked for hours about what had happened and how it affected her, about how she felt about her marriage, and Leonard, and herself. The effort to explain herself to Dr. Gallo gradually helped free some of the logjam of thoughts and emotions, doubts and fears, that had kept her mind in a constant state of turmoil.

Penny came to see that she hadn't fallen into DiCaprio's arms out of the blue; there was a backstory. It involved her long-standing dreams of making it in Hollywood, and the pain of failure, and the desire to rekindle those dreams. But she still had trouble understanding how she could have ignored the new life she had built for herself, with Leonard and their friends. It was all still confusing, and the work with Dr. Gallo was slow. She knew, though, that she was coming to understand herself in ways she never had. Hard way to learn life lessons, she told herself.

As it had been several weeks since the terrible events, Penny thought that maybe the jagged corners might have gotten a little less sharp. She sent another round of emails to everyone, reminding them of the impending opening and, as warmly as she could, pleading with them to come. But her most fervent hope was that somehow Leonard's pain had eased enough for them to try to talk. She knew Bernadette was her best bet for finding out what was going on. Sheldon and Amy were too emotionally naive – and probably also too angry at her. Raj was an emotional mess. She guessed that Howard would be Leonard's principal confidant. So that left Bernadette.

Penny texted Bernadette a few times to try to see if they could get together, but Bernadette always responded that it wasn't a good idea. Finally, Penny sent her a long email, effectively begging for a meeting, if only so that she could find out how Leonard was doing. Bernadette finally agreed.

They met in the same coffee shop where Penny had told Bernadette about everything a few weeks earlier. The petite microbiologist entered, looking very serious. Penny hesitated, then hugged her. After a moment of stiffness, Bernadette relented, and they held the embrace for a long time. They sat, and Penny saw the tears in her friend's eyes.

"Thank you so much for coming. It means so much to me. Please, just tell me, how is my Leonard? It kills me to know that he's suffering and that there's nothing I can do to help."

Bernadette looked at her friend. She loved Penny, but she was boiling with anger. She couldn't help herself. "You did plenty. Why do you think he's suffering?"

"You're right, you're right. You _should_ hate me. God, I hate myself."

"I don't hate you, Penny. I love you, and Leonard. I'm just really angry at you for messing up something that seemed to be so good."

"Believe me, no matter how angry you are at me, I'm ten times angrier at myself. I've been seeing a therapist to try to understand, and I still don't. But try to put that all aside, just for a few minutes. I _have_ to know how Leonard is doing, I just have to."

"He's not doing well, Penny. He's so sad, all the time. Howard says he spends most evenings in the lab. But Howie's not even sure he's working. All he does is mope around. And Howie thinks he's barely sleeping. I don't think he's eating much. He's had some health problems," she said vaguely. "Howie says he's going to the gym, probably just to try to take his mind off things, but it doesn't really show. He doesn't look well, Penny."

Penny shook her head, grimly. "If there were just something I could do…."

Bernadette spoke a little more gently now. "I guess it didn't work for you two to talk. Howie said Leonard was devastated after that."

Penny's hopes faded. It was clear from Bernadette's tone that Leonard was not ready to see her again. "He tried, I'm sure he's trying, but he can't really get over what I did. I can't get over it, I couldn't if I were in his place. But he's better than me, I had hopes. I still have hope."

"That's good," Bernadette said. "All of us are hoping this ends. It's been hard for Sheldon, although Amy's been doing a great job taking care of him. He's incredibly angry at you, but at the same time he misses you, I know."

"I miss him too," Penny said sadly. "I miss all of you. I just want this to end, someday. I hope the right way."

"Me too, Penny. All of us do."

"Bernadette, one more thing. We talked about this last time. We open two weeks from Thursday, 7 PM, in Westwood. There will be tickets at the box office under your names. I sent everyone the information but I haven't heard back from anyone."

Bernadette looked uncomfortable. "That's because we're waiting for Leonard to decide if he feels he can go. He's not sure, as of now. He says it might be too hard to see you, especially with, you know, _him."_

Penny's face fell, and she was obviously trying to keep from crying. "Please try to come. Try to convince Leonard. I think it's a good show, and I think I do a good job. I want him to at least think positively about one thing I've done."

Bernadette looked at Penny with kindness and pity. "Penny, all of us – most of all Leonard – think positively about what you've accomplished. And we're all proud of you. But Leonard needs to feel that this won't be too painful for him. And we all have decided to respect that."

"I understand. But please try. And you're also all invited to the opening night party afterwards, at the Hammer Museum. Your names will be on the guest list, you just have to check in. I'll get there late because I have to change, but I hope you can make it. Those parties are always a big deal, with lots of celebrities and lots of press. It will be fun."

"OK. Maybe you should send out emails about that, too. I have to go, Penny."

Penny reached for Bernadette's hand. "Take care of my man for me, Bernadette. Please. Try to help him heal. And try to come to the play."

"I'll try, Penny. I promise."


	10. The opening

10\. The opening

As the weeks of separation turned into a month, Leonard agonized over whether he could see his way clear to attend the opening of _After the Fall._ He was having trouble sorting out his disordered emotions. His initial reaction had been easy: bitter anger at Penny for her betrayal. But as his fury faded, his thinking became more and more confused.

His relationship with Penny had been the one pure joy of his life, the one achievement of which he was proudest. The thought that his marriage to her might be over drove him to distraction.

Nearly every evening Leonard paced his apartment, hour after hour, awash in muddled thoughts and conflicting sentiments. He stood on the patio looking out on the darkened street below for an entire night, wondering which of his feelings to obey. He was tormented by the thought of her in the arms of another. But he was also tortured by the thought that they might never be together again, that he had lost the one true love of his life.

He still loved Penny, he knew that. He was concerned for her well-being, and proud of her coming success on the stage. Nothing would change that, and nothing could take away from the fact that she had been the light of his life. Yet his enduring feelings for her only heightened the pain he felt when he thought of what she had done.

He had so many questions, and no answers. Had their marriage meant so little to her? Or had it been, as she insisted, just an awful mistake, something he might be able to deal with? But how? How could she have made a mistake of that magnitude, after all they had been through?

She had written him emails every day for the first week, declaring her love and begging for another chance. He had restrained the urge to respond furiously, attempting to be correct and courteous. But the emails had stopped after that terrible night at his apartment, and that was the last contact he had had with Penny. Now many weeks had gone by. Had she moved on? Given up on him? Or did she still believe, as he wanted desperately to believe, that their marriage was worth trying to save? He had no idea.

Leonard knew that Penny was suffering terribly, and that made his thinking even more clouded. His mind was like a kaleidoscope. Turn it one way and he saw the two of them in pain, reaching out to each other, struggling together to rebuild their marriage; turn it another way and he saw her with other men, betraying him willingly, as opportunities presented themselves; turn it a third way and he saw the end of the marriage, and the end of his happiness, perhaps forever. Each of these visions was one version of reality; but which did he want to believe? How could he choose? Was there even a choice?

Bernadette had spoken to him several times about attending the play's opening, with the kindness and compassion both she and Howard had continually shown him. It was clear she thought he should go, and also that she would understand if he could not. He did not know if he would be able to bear seeing Penny on the stage with that man. But he did not think he could ever forgive himself if he missed the triumphant beginning of her brilliant career.

One thing he knew: he needed some resolution. If Penny had given up on him, or if he could not stand to be with her, he needed to know, so that he could try to rebuild his life without her. If she continued to believe in them, and if he was able to be with her without falling apart, he needed to know that, too, so that he could try to decide whether he could get past what had happened and work toward reconciliation. One way or another, he needed closure. But he had no idea how to obtain it.

* * *

Previews at the Westwood Playhouse moved into the final week, as the show became more and more polished. And the play was now locked – no changes of any significance until opening night, so that the critics could attend some of the previews and begin to form their opinions. Just knowing that there were critics in the audience made Penny jittery, but both Diane and Audrey assured her that she was doing a great job and that the notices were going to be positive.

As opening night approached, Penny got increasingly anxious. She remained tense about her performance – after all, how it was received would probably determine whether she had a future in acting. But Penny was especially panicky when she thought about whether Leonard would come. She was too frightened to ask Bernadette, and in any case she knew the decision might be last-minute, but it kept her up at night wondering whether her man would be there to witness what would probably be the defining moment of her career. Penny desperately wanted Leonard to see her do something that she thought was competent, maybe even good. To prove to him that she wasn't a complete failure.

Finally, opening night arrived. The theater was electric with excitement, but it was a quiet excitement that Penny found a little confusing. She knew what a movie premiere was like; she'd seen them in Hollywood and Westwood, with the red carpet and the spotlights and the stars arriving in limousines as crowds of fans lined the sidewalk. But, it turned out, the opening of a play was much more subdued. For one thing, all of the stars were in the theater preparing. So while everyone inside was on edge waiting for the curtain to go up, outside it really didn't seem that big a deal.

The opening-night performance itself seemed letter perfect to Penny. Somehow the actors had upped their game from the last preview – perhaps the nervous tension of the opening night gave them some extra drive. The climactic scene between Quentin/Leo and Maggie/Penny went particularly well. As Quentin, cold in his business suit, and Maggie, despairing in her flimsy negligée, battled through the final throes of their failed marriage, Penny could feel the tension rise in the house. At the conclusion of the emotional episode, she heard an audible gasp from the audience. The lights dimmed, and she and DiCaprio looked at each other with satisfaction: they had pulled it off. At the end of the performance, the audience response was terrific. DiCaprio got a standing ovation, and the three principal female actors all got huge applause.

As Penny walked, exhausted and exhilarated, back to her dressing room, she got the sense that everyone was enthusiastic and excited about the opening. Accolades from cast and crew echoed around her. She opened the door to find a small bouquet of flowers resting on her makeup table. George and Diane, she figured, as she opened the envelope containing the note card. It read:

 _You were magnificent. I have never been prouder of anyone, for anything, in my life._

 _Love, Leonard_

She caught her breath. This meant he had been in the audience. She noted a little arrow at the bottom of the card. She knew this from Leonard's meticulous notes; it meant "please turn over." She did, and read:

 _I've loved you since the moment we met, and I will keep loving you until the end of time._

She had to force herself to breathe. She immediately rushed out into the backstage confusion.

"Seth, Seth, did you see my husband here?"

Seth looked a little guilty. "Yes, he was here during curtain call. I let him in to leave the flowers. Was that wrong?"

"No, no, that was perfect!" and she hugged him, then ran back to her dressing room to change as quickly as she could. Somebody knocked on the door and came in. It was Diane.

"Penny, you were spectacular."

"Thanks, Diane, but I don't have time for that now."

Diane looked stunned. Penny laughed. "Look at these flowers. They're from Leonard."

"Oh, dear, that was nice of him. Are things between you two getting better?"

Penny looked serious. "No. Not yet. But look at the card."

Diane looked. "That's beautiful."

Penny said, "That's what he told me after we got married. But the other side means he was here. Seth said he dropped them off during curtain call. I need to find him. I wonder if he's going to the party. I invited him and all his friends. It's a long shot, but maybe I can find him there."

Diane thought. "I can find out." She picked up her phone and dialed, as Penny continued to remove her makeup and change quickly. "George, ask the gate-check crew to look on the guest list to see if Leonard Hofstadter is there."

Penny stopped changing and quickly wrote and passed a note to Diane.

"OK. How about these? Cooper. Fowler. Wolowitz. Koothrappali. OK, thanks."

She shook her head sadly at Penny. "None of them are there."

Penny waved her hand, picking up her phone to call an Uber. "That's not important. If they're not there, I know where they are. Diane, I have to go find him. Please make my apologies at the party, OK? This is more important. You understand, don't you?"

Diane looked doubtful. "Don't you at least want to go to the press line? It's a great opportunity to get yourself out in front of all the critics and the media. Maybe just a quick stop at the step and repeat for the television cameras and the photographers? Especially for you, dear, it could be a big help to your career."

Penny shook her head. "This is more important to me, Diane. This is my life; the press line is just my career." Diane looked stricken. "Oh!" Penny said hurriedly. "Do you think it's important for the show? For you and George? If that's the case, I can go."

"No, no," Diane assured her. "The press line will survive without you. But do you really have to go right now?"

"Diane," Penny explained, "this is the first contact we've had, of any kind, in a month. I think it's an opportunity to see if there's any possibility that we can make things work. I'm afraid that if I don't act now, the window will close. Please? Don't you think that makes sense?"

Diane smiled. "Of course, dear. Good luck."

"Oh, and tell Audrey where I am. She'll worry if I don't show up."

Penny ran out of the stage door onto the street. The Uber was there within a minute. She got in and gave the driver the Pasadena address. She added, "There's an extra fifty bucks if you can get there by –" she looked at the time; it was 10.05 PM "- by 10.35." The car sped off.

Penny got to the building by 10.30, threw two twenties and a ten at the driver and ran up the stairs. There was no sound from inside Apartment 4A. She relaxed, and began pacing the hallway, thinking about what to do and say.

Within fifteen minutes, she heard excited voices coming up the stairs. Sheldon came around the bend first. He stopped short when he saw Penny, obviously confused about what to do. Amy was right behind him. She also stopped short, almost as confused. After them came Raj. He hesitated, but stepped forward.

"Penny, that was brilliant," he said seriously. He clearly didn't know if he should hug her, or shake her hand. So he just stood there. Penny had no intention of increasing the embarrassment factor, so she did not move to hug him, even though she wanted to, desperately. She wanted to hug them all tight, to apologize to them all.

But suddenly she saw that there was nobody behind them. "Where's Leonard?" she asked, frightened.

"He, Howard, and Bernadette are in the other car," Raj said. "He should be here soon, they actually left before us. But you know how he drives."

Just then they heard the door downstairs open. Amy and Sheldon were obviously still uncomfortable. They were all waiting to see how Leonard was going to handle this, how he wanted them to handle it.

Within a minute Leonard came trudging up the stairs. Penny's heart soared when she saw him. He was so handsome, dressed so well for the night out. But he looked thin and unhealthy, she noticed sadly. As he came around the corner, Leonard saw his friends standing around and looked puzzled. Then he saw Penny. And he smiled.

That smile, that smile, Penny thought. What I would give to have that smile back. How I have missed it. She couldn't help it, despite all her promises to herself. A tear began to form. She wanted to wipe it away, but she was frozen in place. This was it. This was the deciding moment of her life. She held her breath.

END ACT ONE

* * *

 **Entr'acte**

 **A/N. For those interested in the climactic scene of** _ **After the Fall**_ **, referred to here and further on, there is video online of a portion of the scene. It is a graduate-student film of high quality, reflecting the traditional interpretation. In Youtube, search for "After the Fall scene John Berardo". (I hope Mr. Berardo, who is obviously very talented, has no objections.)**

 **Don't worry, Act Two will start very soon and the suspense will be resolved.**


	11. Act Two: The after-party

ACT TWO

11\. The after-party

Leonard stepped up onto the landing and walked straight to Penny. He hesitated a moment, then wrapped her in an embrace. "You were incredible, Penny. Fantastic. That was an amazing experience. Congratulations."

Everyone on the landing relaxed. And in a moment all of the friends were around her, talking excitedly, congratulating, re-connecting. However, Penny could see Bernadette eyeing her closely. After a couple of minutes she said to the group, "Guys, I think we should give these two a little privacy." Penny could have kissed her.

There was further confusion, and an embarrassed silence. How to give them privacy? Howard cleared his throat, "Why don't we all go to the coffee shop for some dessert?"

Sheldon started to protest, with Amy trying desperately to shush him, but Penny smiled. "No need, guys. We can talk in my apartment." She took out her key and opened 4B.

The rest of the group was wide-eyed. Leonard asked, "You still live here?"

"No, I'm living with Audrey in Santa Monica. But I kept the place. It's not that expensive, now that I'm making good money. And…and, well, I kept the place."

Sheldon was relieved. "Well, thank goodness. With nobody coming and going for the last month, I thought the landlord was growing marijuana in there. I'm glad it's only you."

Amy shook her head, and the group headed to 4A.

Leonard and Penny entered Apartment 4B. They stood at the entrance as Penny turned the light on.

"Up to date on your bills, I see," Leonard joked. Penny smiled. A good start. But she wasn't sure how to proceed.

She figured she had to let him take the lead. And he did.

"Let's sit," Leonard suggested, taking the couch. She sat opposite him, looking at him closely. It was so hard not to go to him, to try to hold him. But she controlled herself.

"Seriously, Penny, you were marvelous. I couldn't imagine anything more impressive."

"Thanks. It was an amazing night. But I think you know what the high point of it was for me."

Leonard looked perplexed.

"Getting your flowers and note, Leonard."

"Oh, that. Well, you deserved that, and much more. But why aren't you at the opening night party? We got your invitation. But we decided not to go because we thought it might be uncomfortable for you, and we didn't want to take anything away from your night."

"Leonard, don't you understand? The play is wonderful, the party will be great, but the most important thing in my life is trying to figure out how we can be together." And she knew that she had to take the initiative.

Leonard winced a little. "Penny, that's not why I'm here. I'm here because I'm happy for you."

"I know, Leonard, I know. I'm not saying I expect you to jump into my arms now. But since you're here and since we're talking, there are things I have to tell you. Things I think you deserve to hear. Is that all right?"

"I guess," Leonard said, doubtfully.

"Leonard, my love." She stopped short. She had never called him that, but now it had just come out. He looked a little puzzled, but she went on. "I love you so much. I want to tell you so many things. But first, there's something more important."

"What's that?" he asked, still puzzled.

"How are you, Leonard? How are you doing? I know I hurt you so badly, I think about it every day, every hour of every day. I wonder how you're doing all the time. I wish I had a monitor on you so I could know if you're happy. I want you to be happy, so much. I don't want you to be sad." She stopped herself. "Sorry, I'm babbling."

"That's all right," he smiled. That smile again.

"Oh, Leonard, if you knew how I feel when you smile. I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you, too," he said, but his tone was very guarded. And it would be, she knew.

She smiled, too. "You haven't answered my question. How are you? Really?"

"I'm coping, I guess. I go to the lab a lot. I have a nice apartment. I listen to music."

"Not Alanis Morissette, I hope. That would be a bad sign."

"No, no," he laughed. "A mixture. It helps me calm myself. I've been working out pretty regularly, too. I find it relaxing."

"That's good. So how is your state of mind? Your mood?"

Leonard looked at her. "I'm sad, Penny. I'm terribly sad. I haven't gotten over what happened. Maybe I never will. Mostly I'm sad that I can't be with you. That's what hurts more than anything. I see something interesting and I think about what you would say about it. I have a problem and I wonder what you would suggest. Sometimes in the morning I turn to say something to you. But of course you're not there."

Penny couldn't keep the tears from rising now. "Me too, my love." This was the phrase now. Sweetie was too simple, too immature. She needed more. "I want to share so much with you."

Leonard nodded, sadly.

Penny looked at him. "Can I share something important with you? Something that might be important to you, too."

"All right."

"I've been seeing Dr. Gallo. Twice, sometimes three times a week. Since all this happened. And our main goal is to try to understand why I did what I did. Not to justify it, but so that I can get my mind around how I could have made the biggest mistake of my life. And so I never do something like that, ever again."

Leonard nodded, waiting, now curious.

"Remember after we got married, that little disagreement over Mandy?"

"Little disagreement! I thought we were through then," Leonard laughed.

"Everything's relative. But remember that we got over that because we realized why we were making it such an obstacle."

"That we both had reasons to sabotage the marriage."

"Right. So that's what I'm trying to get at with Dr. Gallo, how I could do something so terrible and why. And I think we're making progress."

"Do you want to tell me about it? You don't have to if it's too private."

"Leonard, I want to tell you everything, I want you to know everything. So, I came here from Nebraska with big dreams. And before I knew it my boyfriend had cheated on me, I'd gone nowhere with acting, I couldn't pay my bills, and I was stuck in a lousy job. I thought I was a failure. I _was_ a failure."

Leonard began to protest, as Penny knew he would. "Shush. My story," she said.

"My life was a mess. My mind was a mess. Sure, I put up a good front. Still, inside I knew I had failed. But you were always there for me. And you helped me build up my confidence. You let me see that there was more to life than my silly tabloid desires." He tried to interject again, but she shook her head and kept going. "But at some level I was still a failure in my mind. The acting part was dead. Some part of my dreams were dead."

She took a deep breath. "Then I got this part. It was amazing. But it was all so new, and it seemed like it could disappear as fast as it came."

Now, the hard part. "The rehearsals weren't going well. That week was particularly bad. Remember, George was directing because Diane was out. He was frustrated with me. And I was scared that I was failing again. I really thought I was going to get fired. The Saturday one-on-one was the worst. I don't think I got through a single scene without George interrupting, and not in a good way. So when…another actor asked me to dinner, and treated me like I was part of the club, and told me that I was really good, I just lost control, I think. And everything that happened was like trying to prove that I actually had made it, that I was good enough to be a success."

Leonard was looking pensive. "I don't know if that makes sense," Penny said, "but that's what I've got. That's where I am with Dr. Gallo."

"It could be reasonable, I suppose," Leonard said, although he sounded unconvinced.

"I want to understand it better, to get at it more, my love. I'm trying, I really am. I'm trying so hard."

"I know, Penny."

There was a pause. Penny wanted to ask, but she was scared of the answer. But she needed to know.

"Leonard, before you said you were sad that you couldn't be with me. But you're here now. There was a time, you explained it, I understood, when you couldn't be with me at all. But you're here now. Does that mean we can spend time together?"

"Maybe," Leonard said. "I don't know. I'm confused."

Just then Penny's phone rang. She turned it over, ready to mute it, when she saw that it was Diane. She showed Leonard and he motioned to her to answer it.

"Hello?...Hi, Diane….Yes, I'm all right….No, I hadn't….Oh, that's wonderful. …OK, I'll look now. Thanks! See you tomorrow. And congratulations….Thanks."

She turned to Leonard. "Diane says the _LA Times_ review is out." They both picked up their phones, searched, and read.

 _DiCaprio stars in After the Fall_

 _New production of controversial Arthur Miller play premieres_

 _By Christopher McMillan_

 _Risk-taking abounded last night at the Westwood Playhouse. Staging Arthur Miller's "After the Fall" is a major risk: the play is often scorned as one of his least impressive offerings. It appears to be – and is usually presented as – a thinly veiled presentation of Miller's own life, especially his relationships with women. At the center is his stormy marriage to Marilyn Monroe, whom he divorced shortly before her suicide. To be sure, the playwright himself denied it, but most critics and audiences have cringed at Miller's depiction of a helpless, whining, spiteful Monroe._

 _Diane Green took on the risk of staging this controversial play – and the added risk of making this her directorial debut. The accomplished actor has directed several films, but legitimate theater is legitimately different, and not many film directors have made the transition to the stage._

 _An equally risky, and comparable, move was that by the play's leading man, playing Quentin, the Arthur Miller role. The part was taken by Leonardo DiCaprio, who so far as we know last performed live on stage while he was in high school. As with directing, the transition from film to stage is a difficult one, and DiCaprio hardly seems to be in a position in which he needs to take unnecessary risks._

 _The evening's performance all but silenced any doubts about all this risk-taking. The production is a revelation, breathing new and entirely different meaning into the play. The performances, starting with DiCaprio, are outstanding. Overall, what is going on at the Westwood Playhouse will force many of us to reassess our opinion of both Arthur Miller, and of "After the Fall."_

 _Green's direction diverges fundamentally from the usual reading of the play. The typical production depicts Quentin as a competent, confident, success who is beset by women at least two of whom importune, misunderstand, and mistreat him. Here, however, Green and DiCaprio make him a disturbing mixture of arrogance and indifference. He shows an almost complete lack of empathy for the troubled people around him, countering their attempts to reach out to him with remote and even callous appeals to logic and reason._

 _DiCaprio's performance is utterly convincing, and completely believable. Quentin is not evil; he is simply a plodding professional who is oblivious to the suffering his coldness causes. But both the production, and the performance, are so at odds with my memory of the play that I admit to going back to the original script to make sure it hadn't been altered. It hasn't. Green and DiCaprio have simply done what only great directors, and great actors, can do: change completely the way we think about a play._

 _The other performers are excellent. Audrey Briscoe as Louise, Quentin/Miller's first wife, and Sarah Lucas, as Holga, his third, nicely bracket the central focus of the play, Quentin's relationship with Maggie (the Marilyn Monroe character). But one of the great revelations of the evening is the performance of Penelope Hofstadter, a newcomer who invests the part of Maggie with extraordinary sensitivity, depth, and breadth._

 _Hofstadter somehow makes Maggie's journey from breathless ingénue to insecure celebrity, and then on to suicidal wreck, seem totally believable – indeed almost inevitable. Her interactions with Quentin at every turn are striking and heartbreaking. The climactic scene of the play, in which Quentin and Maggie square off in their final quarrel, is one of the more emotionally devastating experiences in recent theatrical memory. Hofstadter's Maggie is absolutely riveting, as we watch with horror her desperate attempts to get through to Quentin, and – having failed – her ultimate descent into utter despair and hopelessness. It is a truly disturbing scene that will leave theatergoers emotionally drained._

 _So risk-taking pays off, or at least it has this time. Diane Green had never directed a play; she took on one of the more difficult pieces in modern American theater; she chose Leonardo DiCaprio as the lead, despite the fact that he had never acted professionally on stage; she selected Penelope Hofstadter, a complete unknown, to play the most poignant and theatrically electric role. And the result of all this risk-taking was what has to be one of the most exciting evenings in Los Angeles theater of the past decade._

Leonard was the first to speak – he had, of course, finished reading well before her. "Penny, that's wonderful. This is the beginning. All your dreams. I'm so proud of you."

Penny looked at him and smiled. "There's only one thing missing."

Leonard shook his head. "Don't do this, Penny. I'm here for you now, because this is a huge moment for you. That doesn't mean we're back together."

Now Penny shook her head. "That's not what I meant, sweetheart." Another new one. Lighter than "my love," more serious than "sweetie." "All I meant was to be held by the man I love. That's all I want. I understand if you can't, I do. But if you can, that would mean so much to me."

"Of course!" Leonard said. But it was awkward. On the couch? Standing up? He decided. "I think standing up."

"OK," Penny said. And they stood by the door, uncomfortably, until finally Leonard embraced Penny. She was trembling so hard it startled him.

"Are you all right, Penny?"

"I'm more than all right, my love. I'm flying. I want to stay like this forever. Please, just hold me for a while, Leonard. I know how hard it must be for you. But please, just for a few minutes."

And they stayed like that, by the door, then leaning against the door, in each other's arms, for at least twenty minutes. Her trembling subsided as she gradually melted into his arms. Leonard stroked her hair, rubbed her back. And finally he kissed her on the forehead. When he did that, Penny began to sob, first softly, then harder. He guided her back to the couch and they sat there as she tried to collect herself.

Finally, she was calm. "Thank you," she whispered.

They were silent for another few minutes.

"Leonard?" she asked, timidly. He knew what was coming, and he was ready.

"I can stay with you tonight. But just _stay,_ to keep you company. Nothing more."

"Of course. Thank you. It means so much to me. I want to share my dreams coming true with my best friend. You have no idea."

"Yes, I do. You know I do, Penny."

She nodded. "You're right. You know what I'm thinking before I think it, don't you?"

He smiled. "Let's go lie down in the bedroom. You must be exhausted. The play, all the excitement."

"All right," she agreed. "But I don't think I'll be able to sleep. Not with you here. We have too much to talk about."

They went back to the bedroom, kicked off their shoes, and lay on the bed, fully clothed. She thought a moment. "This is sort of uncomfortable. I have some sweats that will fit you, and some of your tee shirts. Why don't we change?"

He agreed, and a few minutes later they were back on the bed, in sweats and tees, over the covers, side by side, a bit awkward.

Leonard looked up at the ceiling, waiting for the right moment. She settled in and smiled at him. He smiled back. "So, how far along are you?"

Her eyes went wide. "How…how did you know?"

"I don't know. I could just tell. There's something different about you, I can't really place it. I thought I saw it during the performance, but with the lighting and the makeup I wasn't sure. As soon as I saw you here, though, I could tell. I don't know why. Maybe because we were trying, anyway. But you know, you've lost weight. Too much. You have to eat better. Especially now."

She shook her head. "You're amazing. Well, to answer your question, about eight weeks."

She could see him calculating. She whispered, "It's yours, Leonard. Of course it's yours. And given the timing, I think it happened that night in Santa Monica. The doctor says she can't be sure exactly, but I think that must have been it. I guess we were just lucky."

And she saw, as she knew she would, a tear form very quickly. They were both turned sideways now, facing each other. And she reached over to wipe the tear away. "Is it all right if I do that?" she asked.

"Of course," he said. "I'm just happy."

"I'm glad you're happy. But I want to make something clear. I know I should have told you, at least under normal circumstances. Audrey wanted to kill me for not telling you. The reason I didn't tell you was that I didn't want you to get back together with me just because of the baby. That would be wrong. You know it would, even if you won't admit it. Don't you?"

"I'll have to think about it," he said. "Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for a higher good. Sometimes the well-being of a child is more important than your own happiness. After all, that's sort of what it means to be a parent."

"Well, that's an optimistic point of view for a father-to-be! But I get it. Still, I won't let you get back together with me unless I really feel that you want to be with me. If that doesn't happen, we can work things out. You're the father, you have full rights. But we are not staying together for the sake of the baby. No way. If we're together, it will be because you want us to be together. And don't think you can fool me, mister. I can see right through you."

They were up all night, talking quietly about everything. Penny explained about Audrey, and Jordan, and the apartment. She told Leonard about the rehearsals, and the previews, and how exciting it all was. She wanted his advice about the publicist, and the agent, and the timing. She felt happy for the first time in over a month.

And she asked about him. And about all their friends. She had missed them so much. About Bernadette's pregnancy. About Sheldon and Amy. They were now engaged to be married, she had been shocked and happy to hear. But so very sad that she wasn't there for any of it.

At a lull in the conversation, she reached for his cheek, caressing it as she always had. Leonard saw the deep sadness in her eyes. He understood the question in them. And he knew that he had to come to some conclusion, at least for the moment.

Penny saw the doubt in his eyes, and understood how he was struggling. "Whatever you want, my love. Whatever way you want. I will do everything I can not to let you down. Ever again."

Leonard pursed his lips. "I just don't know, Penny. I'm not sure I'm ready to start seeing you again. Tonight was special, and it was easier than I thought. But I can't promise anything. If we do start talking, it will have to be slowly, Penny. As a trial. As if we had just met. I can't do any of this any faster. We'll just have to see."

"I understand." She thought a bit. "Would you like to come to see Dr. Gallo with me?"

"Would that be right? Should your therapist also be a couples therapist for us?"

"I don't know. I'll ask her. Maybe right now it's more important to have a couples therapist. More important for me, too. But I'll find out."

At 3:30 AM Penny's phone pinged, surprising them. She looked. "Damn, it's Audrey. She must be worried. Is it all right if I call her?" Leonard nodded.

"Audrey, I'm fine. Sorry. I'm here with Leonard. We're talking. Yes, it's wonderful."

She whispered to Leonard, "She wants me to put it on speaker. Is that all right?" And he nodded, again.

"Hello, Leonard. I'm so happy that you two are spending some time together. Wasn't our girl fantastic tonight?"

"Yes, Audrey, she was. And so were you. Congratulations. This must be a wonderful moment for you."

"It is. But frankly I'm even happier that you and Penny are together."

Penny broke in, not wanting to pressure Leonard. "Audrey, it doesn't mean we're back together. Leonard just was willing to spend some time with me. He's been so wonderful. And I think maybe we might try to spend more time together, if he's willing."

"I know, honey, I understood that. But Leonard, I want to tell you something. You'd better take the phone away from Penny because she might hang up. That woman's love for you is greater than anything I've ever seen. She should be in a book or something. I think I know everything about you, and every detail of your relationship."

"Not _every_ detail, I hope," Leonard kidded.

"You'd be surprised, buster. But they're all good. She's so lucky to have found a man like you, I know that. And I know you've had your problems, and you have a long road to travel. Still, I want to tell you that she's a very special girl. A _very_ special girl. I hope you know that. They don't make many like her."

"You're right," Leonard said. "At least I've never met any. And I don't think I ever will. And thank you so much for taking such good care of her. But you need to make sure she eats better. Especially now. I think you know why."

There was a silence at the other end. Penny piped up. "He knew. He said he could tell by looking at me."

"Wow," Audrey said. "That's one for the book, too. And you hear him, Penny? He's telling you what I've been telling you: you're eating for two now, so you can't keep starving yourself. Now I can throw Leonard at you, too."

"You do that, Audrey," Leonard said. "It'll be two against one."

"OK. Listen, you two, have a great rest of night. But remember, girl, we have another show tomorrow night. And two on Saturday."

"I remember," Penny said. "Bye," and they signed off.

"She's right," Leonard said. "You need to sleep."

She looked at him again, and again they understood each other immediately.

"Yes, I'll stay. I'm pretty tired myself."

"What about work tomorrow?"

Leonard smiled. "The lab can wait a few hours. Let's get some rest."

Penny climbed under the covers, while Leonard stayed on top of them. Penny hesitated, wanting to ask him to join her under the covers, but knowing it was a bad idea. So she closed her eyes and, eventually, slept – better than she had in over a month.

Penny woke a few minutes before 11, when her alarm was set to go off. Leonard was still asleep, still over the covers. She propped herself up on her elbow and watched him sleep. She felt calmer than she could remember. Somehow she knew that now there was at least a chance that it might work out. She had felt the depth of Leonard's suffering, and believed that it was impossible to overcome. But she had neglected the fact that all of Leonard's emotions were deep, and raw. And that included his love for her, and his belief in the power of love, and his conviction that they were meant to be together. She had always understood that those emotions were fighting within him. But after this last night she believed that the pain and suffering might eventually lose out.

She tried to rise slowly from the bed, without waking him. Always the light sleeper, he stirred and his eyes fluttered open. She smiled at him, wanting desperately to ask whether he felt capable of seeing her again. He looked back at her, and she sensed the turmoil within him. His kindness and generosity had granted her this night, in recognition of the achievement her performance represented, the culmination of ten bitter years of struggle. But now what? Was he going to go back to the previous month's estrangement? Or was he going to give her the chance to prove herself worthy of him? She held her breath, body taut, muscles tight, waiting for him to decide even while he pretended to be half-asleep.

Finally, he said, in barely a whisper, as if he were afraid to speak out loud: "Maybe I can pick you up after the show tonight? We can get a drink or something. Then I can take you back to Audrey's." A wave of relief washed over her, and it was all she could do to keep from crying with joy.

"Of course. I don't drink, though – baby, remember? We can go anywhere you want, whatever you want. But afterwards you can bring me back here. This is my home again."


	12. Cold comfort

12\. Cold comfort

Penny arrived back at Audrey's place just in time to change on the way to the theater. But Audrey was waiting for her. She grabbed Penny in a bear hug, and demanded a full report. She ate up all the details hungrily.

"Penny, honey, you haven't looked so good since the first week of rehearsals. I'm so happy for you."

"I know, Audrey, I know. There is one thing, though."

"What's that?"

"It just slipped out this morning, when Leonard said he wanted to pick me up after the performance. He said he'd bring me back to your place, but I told him I thought I wanted to move back to my old apartment. I guess I just felt like that would be moving in the right direction. It's farther away, but it's closer to him. I'm sorry."

"Sorry?!" Audrey exploded. "Are you kidding? It's absolutely the right thing. If you feel that way, that is."

"I do," Penny nodded. "But I still want to spend lots of time with you. You've been so wonderful to me, I can't imagine how I could have gotten through all this without you."

"I wouldn't have had it any other way. You should pack up some things to take back to Pasadena with you tonight."

That night, after the performance, as Penny removed her makeup in her dressing room, a security guard knocked. "There's a guy at the front of the house who says he's your husband. What should I do?"

Penny accompanied the guard out front, and after sorting things out walked her husband back through the theater.

"Leonard, you need to use the stage door. I should get you a backstage pass. I'll talk to Seth."

They wended their way down the aisle. George and Diane were on the stage, going over notes from the evening's performance, when George looked up and saw them. He nudged Diane, who smiled broadly. Penny and Leonard started to pass the other couple on their way backstage when George, never shy, waved them over.

"Welcome back, Leonard," he said. "We've missed you." Diane added, "And we've missed seeing our Penny looking happy, too." And they both smiled warmly at the two young people.

As they continued backstage, Leonard could feel the eyes of the cast members on them. He almost expected them to start applauding. He glanced over at Penny, and saw that she was grinning broadly at everyone they passed.

Back in the dressing room, Penny told Leonard that she preferred just to head home. "I'm tired, and I guess I have a little work to do to get the apartment back in shape. Look, I brought a bag with some things for the next couple of days. I guess I'll move everything back Sunday or Monday, when we have days off."

Leonard smiled, somewhat mysteriously. While she continued to take off her makeup and dress, Leonard excused himself to go to the bathroom. Instead, he quietly knocked and entered Audrey's dressing room.

Audrey embraced him warmly. "Thank you, Leonard. Thank you for rescuing our little girl. Is it all right to say that I was really starting to worry about her?"

"That's fine. But I wanted to thank _you_ for taking such good care of her. She's really not eating well, though, and that has to change. Watch over her here at the theater, will you?"

"Gotcha. I think now that you're back, she'll be better."

He nodded. "Tell me a little more about how she's been. I've been very concerned about her."

Audrey pursed her lips. "Awful. Really awful. She's putting everything into the play, which is better than the alternative, I guess. But she spends almost all her time agonizing over what's been happening between you two." Audrey started to mention that she heard Penny crying in bed almost every night, then thought better of it. "She's going over every aspect of her life, everything she's ever done. It's painful to watch. She talks to me sometimes about it, but mostly it's all inside her. And with her therapist, who I think is really helping. I suppose all this introspection is good. Not my style, but maybe it's what she needs."

Leonard listened carefully, wanting to understand more about Penny's internal life over the past month.

"Leonard, you can't imagine how she's suffered. Look, I know you're the victim, and it's her fault, and all that. Don't get me wrong, I'm not minimizing what happened. But that woman has been in a personal hell for a month or more. So I realize you may be bitter, and angry. But try to be gentle with her. Please don't hurt her even more than she's already hurting."

"Don't worry, Audrey, I have no intention of hurting her. I don't know what will happen between us, and I can't promise anything. But I have no intention of doing anything to hurt her."

Audrey gave Leonard another hug and pushed him out the door.

"Sorry, that took a while," Leonard said, re-entering Penny's dressing room. "I had trouble finding the bathroom."

Penny looked at him with a wry smile. "Where is the bathroom, Leonard?"

He gestured vaguely toward the other side of the theater. She laughed. "It's two doors down to the left. I know you were talking to Audrey. These walls aren't very thick."

Leonard smiled, embarrassed. "Sorry. I just wanted to check in and thank her."

"And find out how I was doing."

"Oh, all right, Mrs. Know-it all. So sue me."

"Mrs. Hofstadter, please. And why would I sue you? You don't have anything I want. At least, anything that could be mentioned in a court of law."

They looked at each other, realizing that they were engaging in the playful banter of before, and smiled as they headed out the door.

"That was _another_ wonderful performance, Penny," Leonard told her as they got into his car.

"You were there? I thought you just came to pick me up."

"I was there – Seth got me a ticket. And you were luminous. Even better than yesterday, I thought."

"Well, I was feeling a lot better than I did last night. Can't imagine why, though."

And they laughed, comfortable with each other for the first time in far too long.

When they arrived at Penny's building, she looked at Leonard. "My love, I'd be happy to have you come up if you'd like, but I have a feeling that may be enough for today. I've got two shows tomorrow, but I'm free Sunday and Monday. Maybe we can do something?"

"Absolutely. Let's be in touch."

She hesitated before getting out, and reached for the door handle. He pulled her back with one hand. "Not so fast!" And he kissed her on the cheek.

Penny smiled broadly as she went up the stairs to her apartment. It was past 11, so she didn't expect to run into anyone, and she didn't, for which she was grateful. She got in and turned on the light, groaning a little at the thought of all the things she probably had forgotten at Audrey's.

As she headed into the kitchen to get some water from the tap, she noticed with irritation that the refrigerator was humming. She was sure she had unplugged it when she moved to Audrey's. Just useless expenses, which she didn't need, not with two rents.

She opened the refrigerator, and to her shock saw that it was full. Water bottles on the side door, eggs and milk and a cornucopia of fruits and vegetables on the shelves. The freezer was stocked with an array of Trader Joe specials, and the ice trays were full.

Penny stood, open-mouthed. Then she looked around. The kitchen was spotless. There was no dust on the windowsills. She headed to the bedroom, and saw that the bed was made, meticulously. In the bathroom the smell of cleanser was still fresh. She walked back to the couch and shrank into it, shaking her head.

Penny understood the meaning of this unexpected gesture, especially given their history. It was Leonard's private way of telling her what he had not been willing or able to say directly, in words: that he cared about her, that he wanted to explore whether they could be together, and that he was ready to make the effort necessary to see if that would be possible.

She just had to call him. She waited a few minutes to be sure he'd finished the drive home. "Leonard! I can't believe you broke into my apartment to clean it! Especially after the last time you did that. Didn't you learn your lesson?"

"I guess not. I just figured you needed the imposition of a new organizational paradigm."

Penny erupted with laughter. "Oh, God, I remember that! That was some experience." She got serious. "Can you believe that was ten years ago? It was, what, a few days after we met?"

"Something like that." He thought a little. "Is it possible that something can seem like yesterday, but also seem like it was in the distant past?"

She nodded, then realized that he couldn't see her. "Do you remember the next day? You were putting a note, something about nuclear war and human failings, under my door?"

"Oh, I was hoping you'd forgotten that."

"It was so adorable. But do you remember what I told you?"

She could sense Leonard casting his mind back. "Yes. You said, "We're good.""

"So," she said shyly, "are we? Good?"

"We'll see, Penny."

She thought a moment. "Leonard?"

"Yes, Penny?" he said, knowing what she was going to ask, and what he was going to answer.

"Do you want to come over? Or is that too much to ask? Not to do anything, just to, you know, be together. Maybe spend the night again. Just to be together. I miss you so much already."

Leonard swallowed. "I don't think that's a good idea, Penny. That's moving too fast."

Penny shuddered. She knew that what he meant. More contact with her than he was ready for might cause those terrible thoughts to flood back into his mind. That was the last thing she wanted to have happen.

"You're right, of course. You'll tell me when it's time. OK?"

"I promise."

"But thanks for all the food, and the cleaning. It will remind me of you. Good night, my love. Sleep well."

"You too, Penny."

* * *

Leonard surprised Penny by showing up at her dressing room after the next evening's performance. He had not seen the Saturday matinee, but he had been there for the evening show.

Penny was very quiet as they drove back to Pasadena.

"Everything all right?" Leonard asked.

"Just thinking. I've had a lot of time to think in the last month or so. Dr. Gallo helps."

"What have you been thinking about?" Leonard asked.

"Figuring things out about myself, and my life." She was quiet again. Leonard waited, knowing from experience that the best way to draw Penny out was simply to be silent. Eventually he was rewarded.

"I was watching George's interns. A couple of kids just out of college. Very sweet, very serious, very hard-working. Still, they're kids. I envy them their youth, I suppose. But they're so green, they know so little about the world." She paused. "I'm not a kid anymore. That bothered me at first, but now I'm fine with it. More than fine. I feel like a grown woman for the first time."

Leonard nodded, wondering where this was going.

"When I met you, I didn't think about much of anything, except trying to be an actor, and having fun. But I've changed a lot. Some of it was you and your friends; I learned so much from you."

"OK, then, what's the formula for momentum?"

"Very funny. Not like that. I learned that life could be deeper. That there's so much to consider, to wonder about. That when you look up at the stars, it's not just pretty spots of light, there are amazing questions to ask, secrets to discover. You and your friends, you think so deeply about things. You try to unlock the mysteries of the universe!"

"But we don't succeed."

"At least you're trying."

Leonard was quiet for a moment. "You try to unlock the mysteries of human emotions. And you succeed. I've learned more from you than I can even keep track of. About how to interact with people who are different from me. About taking risks. About what it is to face your fears, to try to overcome them."

Penny nodded. "Fear. That's a big part of what I've been trying to figure out."

"Like fear of commitment?" Leonard suggested.

"Well, there's that. But mostly fear of being hurt."

"Oh?"

"You know, hurt emotionally. I've thought about it a lot. About you, in fact."

"Oh!" Leonard couldn't help but react. "I hurt you?"

"No, no, the opposite. I hurt you so many times. But the one that really affected me was when I broke up with you -"

"The bowling alley."

"At the bowling alley. When I broke up with you, I saw how much you suffered. And that you had been willing to risk that much pain. At that point in my life, I was afraid of that kind of pain. I think that's one of the reasons why I broke up with you. But it was what I wanted to be."

"To be what?" he asked, confused.

Penny tried to explain. "I wanted to be able to be like you. You let yourself be so vulnerable, so unguarded. And so much in love. I knew that I had never felt anything like the depth of your feelings, the intensity of your pain. I wanted that experience. I wanted to be able to let myself go. But I was terrified of getting hurt. Eventually, being with you made it easier. You were understanding and reliable. And so I was better able to face that fear, to be more open to you. At least I think I was."

They had arrived at her building. But Penny didn't get out of the car. She sat staring straight ahead, speaking softly but intensely.

"But I think I was still afraid of being hurt. Then this…this thing happened, and I felt more pain than I ever believed possible, than I ever thought I could survive. I learned that I _could_ survive. And I knew that I needed to put my own pain to one side because you were more important. I did that, at least in my mind. I suppose you're a better judge. In my mind, at least, I learned that it was possible for me to love someone, without regret, even at the risk of terrible pain. And I feel like now I can be vulnerable enough to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I hope you'll let me prove it to you."

Leonard was quiet.

Penny went on, "I know there are no guarantees, maybe nothing will be enough to get us back together. But it was important for me to finally realize this about myself," Penny continued.

"Why are you telling me this?" Leonard wondered.

"Oh!" Penny said, more than a little disappointed. "I'm sorry, I guess it might sound like I'm making a pitch for you to take me back. But that's not what I'm trying to do, or say. I'm trying to understand myself better, and I thought maybe it might be interesting to you?"

"Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean it that way," Leonard hastened to clarify. "It's more than interesting, it's amazing. I was just surprised. I've never heard you talk about yourself this way."

Penny laughed a little. "I always said you over-thought things. I guess I under-thought them. Maybe now I need to catch up."

Penny thought some more. "I suppose that everything that's happened, everything I did to us, forced me to think more about myself, about what I want out of life. And it helped me see how I've changed. I think I've learned better how to love and be loved. I think that makes me able to be a better wife. And a good mother. Which is what I want to be, both those things. More than anything. That's what I mean when I say that now I feel like a grown woman."

"Thank you for telling me," Leonard said softly. "It was very moving, what you said."

Penny looked at him quickly. "It makes me feel better to talk to you about things like this." What an understatement. Finally, finally, she was able to explain what she had been finding out about herself to the man she loved, the man who understood her better than anyone in the world. She felt a rush of emotion so strong she could hardly stand it. It was torture to be two feet away and not be able to reach out to him, even just to feel her hand in his. But she knew the first move had to come from him. She clenched her fists to try to stay in control, and sat thinking about her life and how she had damaged it, and about how profoundly she had wronged the man she loved.

Leonard heard the catch in Penny's voice and glanced quickly at her, enough to see that her eyes were wet. She had been crying, he knew; he did not know when it had started. But he knew her body language, and he could feel her quiet desperation. He felt terribly sorry for her, recognizing the anguish she was experiencing. Part of him badly wanted to reach for her, to comfort her. But the greater part of him was still too wounded. So he turned off the car and waited.

The moonlight shimmered in the darkness of the empty street as Leonard and Penny sat quietly, staring straight ahead. Two blocks away Leonard saw the traffic light change from green to red, then back to green, cycling through a half-dozen times. Eventually Penny had composed herself enough to speak. She tried to end the evening brightly.

"So, lover boy, what would you like to do tomorrow? It's my day off."

Leonard thought. "Do you still want to move your things back here from Audrey's? I could help you, and maybe we could go for brunch or a walk on the beach while we're over in Santa Monica."

"Sounds wonderful. I never thought I'd hear you suggest we go to the beach."

"One more thing I learned from you, Penny."

She opened the car door. "Love you, Leonard."

He gave a short wave, unable or unwilling to do much else.

Penny left the car and walked slowly up the stairs, her tears finally falling freely.

Leonard sat in his car for another half-hour thinking. He had decided that he felt capable of spending time with Penny more or less on the spur of the moment, at the end of what had been an intense, even intimate, night together after the opening of _After the Fall_. He realized afterwards that perhaps that had been a unique experience, given the extraordinary circumstances of the opening, the review, and the immense excitement and pride he had felt for Penny's achievement. Later he had wondered if his reaction had not been premature: it was hard to suppress the combination of pain and anger that swept over him from time to time.

However, the conversation they had just had had been almost as remarkable as opening night. It was obvious that Penny had spent much of the previous month struggling toward self-discovery. Audrey was not exaggerating when she said that Penny had been examining every aspect of her life. And in fact Penny's soliloquy had moved Leonard deeply. She was, it seemed, determined to do whatever was necessary to make their marriage work. He felt that he owed it to himself, and to Penny, to try to give her – and them – the opportunity to see if they could move forward together. The pain would fade, he hoped. In the meantime, he wanted to find out if they could rebuild their marriage.

* * *

Penny and Leonard spent the morning in Santa Monica: brunch by the beach, a walk down to the pier. Then to Audrey's for her things. Audrey was there, and they spent some time with her.

Leonard saw how motherly Audrey was toward Penny. And Leonard saw, with some amusement, that Penny's Nebraska toughness was no match for Audrey's New York brashness. Having grown up in New Jersey, he knew how New Yorkers could be rude and warm at the same time, but all the years in California had erased some of the memories.

They took their leave and headed back to Pasadena. After lugging the two rounds of boxes and bags up four floors, they collapsed onto the couch.

"My treat for dinner," Penny said. "Where would you like to go?"

"How about the Cheesecake Factory?" he joked.

"Those words," she intoned seriously, "are forbidden in this household. Chinese?"

"Sounds great."

They left Apartment 4B just as Amy and Sheldon were coming up the stairs onto the landing. And Leonard realized with a start that he hadn't seen, or even spoken to, any of his friends since the opening. He hadn't gone to work Friday, spending the afternoon fixing up Penny's apartment; he'd mostly rested Saturday; and they'd just spent Sunday with each other.

But neither Amy nor Sheldon seemed too surprised to see them together, emerging from Apartment 4B as if it were old times. Not surprised, but happy. Amy walked quickly over to them.

"Hi, Leonard," she said, and then wrapped Penny in an encircling hug. She said, with a catch in her voice, "Welcome home, Penny." And then she whispered, "Come talk to me later?"

"Thank you, Amy," Penny responded. And she shook her head Yes to Amy's question. Meanwhile Sheldon was standing awkwardly to one side.

Amy released Penny and looked over at Sheldon. "Aren't you going to say hello to Penny?" she asked. But then both she and Penny noticed what Leonard had seen, that a tear was coursing down Sheldon's cheek.

Penny knew better than to try to get him to talk, so she just waved and said casually, "Hey, Sheldon. See you later. We're going to dinner."

After dinner, Leonard left to his place and Penny knocked on the door of Apartment 4A.

Amy answered, and Penny whispered, "Is he all right?" to which Amy nodded. They walked in. Sheldon was at his desk, and looked up. By now he was more composed.

"Hello, Penny. I am glad to see that my efforts have not been in vain."

"Thank you, Sheldon. I'm sure your work is what made the difference."

Sheldon nodded seriously, as Amy looked on with amusement.

"Sweetie, did you like the play? I know you don't much like theater, but I thought you might find this one interesting. It's sort of a reflection on human relationships, and I know you are a student of them."

"Quite right. I did find it very interesting. Very intellectually stimulating, unlike most theater." Amy rolled her eyes.

Then Sheldon smiled shyly. Another smile that Penny loved, and had missed so much. "But the best part was you. Although it disturbed me to see you so sad. I mean, in the play. Because I know how sad you actually were."

"Thank you, Sheldon. I was sad. But now I'm happier."

"And I'm guessing Leonard is, too."

"I hope so," Penny said.

Sheldon thought some more. "I appreciated the parts in the play when you were happy. That was reassuring, as if you still knew how to be happy."

Penny nodded. So sincere, so naïve. Such a precious, delicate soul. She wanted to hug him tight, but she felt that might be a little too much for her first time back in the apartment.

Amy looked back and forth at the two. "Sheldon, maybe you could leave Penny and me alone for a bit? Girl talk, you know."

"Certainly," Sheldon said, getting up, but Penny interrupted.

"No, no, we can just go over to my place. No need to bother you, Sheldon."

They walked across the hall and settled in. Amy looked up at the liquor shelf and understood that there was no alcohol in the apartment. "I'll take some water, if you have it."

Penny brought over two water bottles, and told Amy about how Leonard had stocked her refrigerator and cleaned her apartment. Then she regaled her friend with the story of how the two men had done that ten years earlier – at night, while she was sleeping. Amy didn't know the story, and loved it.

Penny got serious. "How have you been, Amy? And how has Sheldon been? I know that all this must have been really hard on him. I feel very guilty; I know that I'm the reason Leonard moved away."

"Actually," Amy said, "we've both been good. I think the circumstances were such that Sheldon recognized there was no alternative. To be honest, he was very angry with you. And given the situation, he accepted Leonard moving out. Certainly not having Leonard around made him sad, but they see each other every day at work, so it wasn't as though Leonard was gone from his life."

She continued, a little shyly, "And, as I was telling you back….before…we've been getting along very well. I think we've started a completely new chapter in our relationship."

They talked some more about the engagement, and their plans. But Penny was itching to probe Amy about what was most important to her. "Amy, I know Sheldon is Leonard's best friend, so he's the best person to ask. But I feel a little uncomfortable asking him quite yet – especially if he's been that angry with me. So I have to ask you, I really need to know. How has Leonard been? He looks so thin and unhealthy. I've been so worried about him."

"Actually, Leonard's mostly been spending time with Howard, not Sheldon. Maybe it's because Sheldon has so much trouble with emotions, especially negative ones. Maybe it's because of what's going on with us, it's still new and Leonard didn't want to intrude. Or because Howard's married and maybe understands better. Anyway, I think Howard would be a better source for anything really deep. Of course, we know the more general things. I can tell you, the hospital was a big scare."

"What hospital?" Penny asked, suddenly apprehensive.

"Oh!" Amy said, her hand flying to her mouth. "I thought you knew! I think maybe I shouldn't have said anything."

"Amy…." Penny warned.

"Oh, all right," Amy resigned herself to the inevitable. "A few weeks ago, about ten days or so after he moved, Howard couldn't reach Leonard. So he let himself into Leonard's apartment – he has the extra key, I guess – and found Leonard semi-conscious on the couch. He had an asthma attack, and it was a very serious one. The EMTs took him to the ER, and they dealt with it quickly, but the doctors kept him overnight in the hospital just for observation."

Penny could scarcely believe what she was hearing. She tried hard to control her anger, to get more information. "But why? He's had asthma attacks before, but nothing like that."

"The doctors ascribed it to his weakened physical state. Apparently he was dehydrated and under-nourished. You noticed it yourself, he's a lot thinner and he doesn't look healthy. So that seems to have left him more vulnerable."

And now Penny could not contain her anger. "How could you not tell me about this?! I thought you were my friend! My husband is in the hospital and I don't get to know? How dare you!"

Amy shrunk away. "I'm sorry, Penny, I just assumed Howard or somebody had told you and that maybe, given the circumstances, it had been decided that it was best if you stayed away. Seriously, I didn't realize nobody had told you…."

Penny calmed down, slightly. "That's all right. But don't ever assume anything like that again."

"I won't, I promise." Amy looked at the time. "I should go," she said bashfully. "It's bed-time and Sheldon will be wondering where I am."

Penny smiled. "Go, go. And I'm so happy to be back here."

"I'm happy to have you back, Penny," Amy said as she left.

The brunette went across the hall quickly, picked up her phone, and dialed. "Leonard, it's Amy. I think I did a bad thing…."

Penny sat, processing what she had learned, and steaming with anger. It sounded as though, if Howard had not acted, Leonard's life might have been in danger. Perhaps Amy had an excuse, but Howard and Bernadette had none. Especially Bernadette. She had explicitly asked her to take care of Leonard. Didn't she have the right to know if her own husband was in the hospital?

She pulled out her tablet to write an angry email to Bernadette. But then she stopped. After all, they _had_ taken care of Leonard. And, she thought to herself, maybe, given what had happened, she _didn't_ have any rights to know what was happening with her husband. She sighed and sank back into the couch to think.

Twenty minutes later, a knock came. It was Leonard. He walked in cautiously and sat down on the couch opposite Penny.

"Amy says she told you about that little incident with my asthma."

"Little incident! You were taken to the emergency room in an ambulance! You were hospitalized! You might have died, Leonard! You call that a little incident!" Penny wasn't sure whether to be angry or upset.

Leonard put his hands out, calming. "Penny, don't be angry. We were _not_ in a good place then. I insisted that Howard and Bernadette not tell you. You would only have worried, and what good would that have done?"

"None, I guess," admitted Penny. "But at least I would have felt like your wife, involved in your life." From the look on Leonard's face, she understood suddenly. That was precisely what he _didn't_ want at that point; he didn't want her involved in his life. She sighed.

"Amy said that it was so severe because you hadn't been eating or drinking enough. How are you for food and things at your apartment?"

"I'm fine, I guess," Leonard said, a little uncertainly.

"That settles it. Tomorrow when you get done with work I'm taking you shopping for food."

"Penny, that's not necessary."

"It's no big deal. Some shoemaker's elves stocked my refrigerator; the least I can do is stock theirs. Plus I need some things myself, some feminine things the elves didn't know about."

"All right," Leonard said. "If you let me take you out to dinner afterwards."

"No. I will cook you dinner afterwards. And don't make that face. Audrey's been teaching me how to cook. I actually know what _al dente_ means now."

Leonard smiled. "If you insist. It will be nice spending time together, anyway. Even shopping." He said good-bye and left for his apartment.


	13. Getting over

13\. Getting over

Penny had a regularly scheduled appointment with Dr. Gallo the next morning, and discussed the possibility of transforming their sessions into couples therapy. For the remainder of the day, she busied herself around her apartment, then waited for Leonard until he arrived at 5.30 PM. Before they went out, she sat him down with some news.

"Leonard, I spoke with Dr. Gallo this morning at my session. She says she wouldn't suggest that we convert my sessions into couples therapy for us."

"Oh?" Leonard said, surprised.

"Well, first of all, she thinks I need to continue individual therapy. And I think she's right."

"I see, of course," Leonard said.

"And it wouldn't be right for her to do both individual and couples therapy, that would be like taking sides, she said."

"Because she's doing individual therapy with you. That makes sense. Did she have any suggestions?"

"Yes, she gave me the name of somebody she likes a lot, who's also local and in network, a Dr. Stevens. And," she added hesitantly, "I went ahead and made an appointment for Thursday morning. Sorry, Leonard, I didn't ask you, but I called his office just to get information and they had a 9.30 AM opening, so I took it. I should have consulted with you, especially since you'd have to miss work. If it's not convenient, or if you don't think you're ready, I can cancel it. I told them it was tentative and I would confirm tomorrow."

Leonard thought for a moment. "I can go in late, that's not a problem. And I guess I'm ready. I sort of wish you'd asked me, though. It's a pretty big step, don't you think?"

Penny was apologetic. "I'm sorry, Leonard, I just feel like trying to move forward as quickly as possible. I really need –" she stopped. "I really need to get things more settled in my life. But like I say, I can cancel, it's not a problem and there won't be any charge."

"Let me think about it, OK?"

"Sure. Whatever you say is fine," Penny agreed.

They went out shopping together, then headed back to her place so she could cook a nice dinner for him. As they stood opening her door, they heard voices coming up the stairs. It was Howard and Bernadette, carrying takeout and headed to Apartment 4A. They stopped short when they saw the other couple.

Bernadette spoke first. "Hello, Leonard. You're looking better!" she said cheerfully. Then "Penny, good to see you," but there was a chill in her voice that made Penny wince.

Leonard said "Hi, you two," and Penny began to walk toward them, a little hesitantly. But Leonard reached out and gently pulled her back by the arm. He continued to hold her arm, steadying her, as Howard looked at Penny, eyes blazing with anger. "Hello, Leonard," he said.

Bernadette jabbed Howard lightly, trying to get him to at least say hello to Penny. He turned away and knocked on Amy and Sheldon's door.

Leonard felt he had to say something. "Howard, please. I know this is difficult. But Penny's trying very hard."

The engineer swung around just as Sheldon opened the door. He recoiled as he saw Howard take a step toward Leonard and say, voice shaking with rage and resentment, "It's only difficult because of what she did to you. And she'd better try hard, because she practically killed you. The whole time in that ambulance, all I could think was that I wished it was her that was dying."

"Howard!" Bernadette and Leonard said sharply, at the same time. Bernadette looked pleadingly at Leonard, then at Penny. "You'll have to excuse Howie, this has been a very emotional time for him." The others were silent, as Sheldon looked on, shocked at the vitriol in Howard's voice.

Penny wasn't sure it was her place to respond, but she felt she had to. "Howard," she said softly, looking down, "everything you say is true. This is all my fault. And I'm so sorry for causing you so much pain. But I want you to know that I'll always be thankful that you took such good care of my Leonard."

Howard looked a little appeased, but he still spat out, "It's "my Leonard," now, is it? What was it…then?"

Leonard implored Howard, "Buddy, let it go. Let's talk about it later. Just go have a good time with the others. Please."

Howard nodded and stepped inside Apartment 4A.

Penny and Leonard entered her apartment. Leonard saw that Penny was upset, and explained. "You have to understand. Howard has been very involved in helping me talk things through. And he's taken it to heart in ways I don't think I would have expected. But he'll get over it. I'll talk to him."

Penny shook her head. "He shouldn't get over it. He was right. And I'm actually glad to see that he's so angry. People deserve to be angry at me. _You_ should be angry at me. I don't understand why you're not."

"Believe me, I was," Leonard admitted. "I was crazy with anger. But it passed. I couldn't hold onto that for very long. I just couldn't."

"But why not? Seriously, I don't get it. Sometimes I wish you were angrier with me, that you'd try to punish me the way I deserve to be punished."

Leonard shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I was just too sad to stay that angry. And I knew how much you were suffering, so it was hard to keep up the anger."

Penny eyed Leonard carefully, and with a certain resignation. She understood - as she would not have two months earlier - that his fears and lack of self-confidence stunted and blunted his emotional responses. But that was a conversation for another time. She concluded, "I always knew you were better than me." After a sigh, Penny started up more gaily, "I believe I promised you dinner!"

They set about making dinner, which – much to Leonard's amazement – was extremely good. The pasta was _al dente_ , not crunchy, and the sauce was delicate. Audrey had clearly done an excellent job. But Penny was very quiet during dinner, and Leonard knew she was mulling over the evening's events.

At the end of dinner, Leonard told Penny he thought he was ready for couples therapy with Dr. Stevens. At least for a first visit, after which they could reconsider if necessary.

After Leonard left for his apartment, Penny sat down to think. She felt she could not leave things as they were with Howard, or with Bernadette for that matter. She had to do something to try to rebuild her connections to her friends. Over the next few hours, Penny carefully composed emails to members of their group. Amy and Sheldon were relatively easy; they seemed to have made their peace with the matter, and simply to be happy to have seen that the two were once again on speaking terms. She thanked them for understanding, apologized for her crazy schedule, but promised to try to make some time to see them. To Raj she simply thanked him for his support and, again, promised to try to make time. All three responded graciously within a day.

Bernadette and Howard would, she knew, be a lot more difficult. She agonized much longer over the email, and slept on it before sending this to Bernadette. She didn't dare to email Howard directly, but assumed Bernadette would pass the sentiment along.

 _Dear Bernadette,_

 _I know that you and Howard are angry with me. You have every reason to be angry. And I am nothing but grateful for all you have done for Leonard. I doubt he could have made it through these difficult times without your love and support._

 _I do not know what will happen between Leonard and me. I hope with all my being that he will find it in his extraordinary heart to allow us to move on together. But I realize that there are no guarantees, and that the current situation is entirely my fault._

 _Still, I hope that you will find it possible to let me back into your lives. I value your friendship more than you can imagine. All the time I was away, I thought of you and how much you two have come to mean to me. I am so happy about your pregnancy and would so love to be involved (again) in all the wonderful things coming your way._

 _I am especially concerned to try to repair my relationship with Howard. I know that he has been a tremendous support to Leonard, and I also know that – perhaps in part as a result – he is furious with me. I understand that completely. But can I beg you to please see if he would be willing to talk to me, in person? It's not for me to explain myself – there is nothing to explain – but just to make clear how much I want to do the right thing, both toward Leonard and toward his (my, I hope) friends._

 _Please, Bernadette, see if Howard will agree to talk to me. It would mean so much to me. And I think it would probably be something Leonard would like, too._

 _All my love,_

 _Penny_

Leonard was, unbeknownst to Penny, also fighting the same battle. He made sure to seek out Sheldon and Raj in their offices to talk with them man-to-man about what was happening, and to ask their support. Both were understanding; and both were, mainly, glad to see their friend looking moderately happy for the first time in more than a month.

Howard was more difficult. He was consumed with a blazing fury and reacted virulently even to the mention of Penny's name. In his mind, she was responsible for ruining the happiness, and endangering the life, of a man he loved and admired. But Leonard pleaded with him to at least give Penny a chance to talk to him. He said he'd think about it.

For his own part, Leonard continued to work through the conflicts that persecuted him. He loved Penny, but he hated what she had done to him. And he could not see putting himself in a position where it might happen again. Love does not come with a guarantee, he knew that. But he needed more than just a vague hope that she was, and could be, truly committed to him and to them.

He had, he admitted, been impressed with how much more thoughtful Penny seemed to have become. Of course, some of it was that her career had taken off, and she was now absorbed in that remarkable development. And some of it was the situation: their marriage had disintegrated. Nonetheless, the seriousness with which she was addressing their relationship, and her own feelings, had taken him by surprise.

Penny had not been someone to dwell on her own emotional life; she was more a woman of action, for better or for worse. But now, when she spoke about herself, the attempt at self-knowledge was startling. To be sure, her analysis was jumbled and incomplete. And Leonard knew enough about therapy to recognize the syndrome. She would have an insight in a session, and then all her thinking would be infused with that insight, until the next insight came along. He understood that she still had a long way to go to come to grips with what she had done, and why.

Nonetheless, it was clear that Penny had spent a great deal of time and energy mulling over her emotions, her life, and what she wanted from it. Much of what she was telling Leonard he already knew, for on some dimensions he probably did know her better than she knew herself. For example, he was well aware of how her fears had kept her from allowing herself to be vulnerable. But he had never expected that she would recognize this herself.

One novelty was that Penny occasionally attempted to draw Leonard out about what he was thinking and feeling. He had never known her to pay much attention to understanding him, although at some level of course she did know him well. But now she seemed to be interested in his state of mind. He realized that this probably reflected the suggestion of her therapist, and in any case he was unwilling to provide anything more than generalities. He saw no reason to go into gory detail about how terribly hurt he was by the ease with which she had disregarded her commitment to him, and how hard it was to believe her current protestations of undying love. Her career had moved to a new level and, whatever she professed, he was afraid that leaving him and their more mundane life behind might be part of that move.

Angry, hurt, and fearful as he was, Leonard could not help being pleased that Penny was leaping so boldly – and, he was certain, with real discomfort – into a critical evaluation of her inner life. It seemed evidence that he was indeed important to her, and that she was serious about addressing the problems that had led to the current sad state of affairs. And it gave him some hope that they would be able to find their way back to each other, and that he was justified in trying to control his anger in the service of a more important goal.

* * *

In Westwood, the play was proceeding well. However, Penny had started to suffer some mild morning sickness. Fortunately, it was always – as promised by the name – in the morning, and an hour's rest was enough to settle her stomach. She quietly – without telling Leonard – checked in with the doctor, who confirmed that all was on track with the pregnancy. But Penny worried about the course of the discomfort, and whether it might not interfere with the play. She did tell Audrey, largely to have at least some measure of support and understanding. However, she had no intention of telling Leonard, or Diane, or anyone else, unless she absolutely had too. Fortunately, it turned out that most of Penny's upset was in fact in the morning, and her doctor gave her some tips that helped control the nausea. And so she carried on, on two fronts: working on the play, and trying to see if there was hope for her and Leonard.

That Wednesday, the matinee went well. But Audrey sensed a discomfort in Penny. She worried that the pregnancy might be bothering her, and asked about it, discreetly. Penny waved it off. However, after the evening performance, when Audrey checked in with her friend in the adjoining dressing room, she found Penny crying quietly on her small couch.

"What's the matter, honey?" she asked. But Penny just shook her head sadly.

Audrey sat down and lifted Penny's head up from its dejected position. "Come on, you can tell me. Feeling a little sick?"

Penny shook her head again. Then she sighed deeply. "Today is our first anniversary. It should be so different, Audrey. I just keep thinking how much I screwed everything up. And for what?"

Audrey reached for her friend's hand. "Baby, you have to give him time. You hurt his pride terribly, and for a guy like Leonard that can be the worst wound of all. After all, -"

Just then, there was a quiet knock on the door. Penny ignored it, so Audrey went to answer. She peeked out, and turned around to Penny with a huge smile on her face. "I have to go now, honey," she said, as Penny started to protest being abandoned to her sorrow.

But the door opened and Leonard came in, with a big bouquet of flowers. "Happy Anniversary, Penny," he said shyly.

Penny jumped up and ran to her husband, hugging him tightly. Leonard had to hold the flowers at arm's length to protect them, as Audrey slipped out, closing the door behind her. Penny held tight to Leonard, although she could feel, sadly, that he was still tense and constrained. It saddened her, but not enough to ruin the moment.

"Thank you, my love. I'm sorry I didn't get you anything. I didn't think I'd be seeing you."

"Well, it was sort of a last-minute thought. I didn't feel like it was right to let our first anniversary pass unnoticed. No matter what."

She nodded, releasing him. He relaxed noticeably. "Come," he said, "I'll drive you home."

They drove to Pasadena, mostly in silence. Leonard asked about the day's performances, about how she was feeling. Penny nearly mentioned the morning sickness, but thought better of it – no need to worry Leonard. As they arrived at Penny's apartment, she turned to him.

"Thank you, Leonard. These are beautiful," she said, holding the flowers. She hesitated. "Do you –"

"I don't think it's a good idea, Penny," Leonard cut her off. "Let's just leave it at Happy Anniversary. And we'll see each other tomorrow, at the doctor's office. Good night," and he gave her a little kiss on the cheek.

Penny walked sadly up the stairs, clutching the flowers to her chest as if they could give her strength, and make her happier.

* * *

Thursday morning Penny and Leonard met at Dr. Stevens' office. He was older than Dr. Gallo by a few years, and appeared much less gregarious than her. He asked them to explain why they were there, and Penny ran quickly through their situation: their long-term relationship, recent marriage, and even more recent problems. He listened carefully.

"So let me ask each of you: What would you like to get out of these sessions?"

Penny raised a finger. "I want us to be together again."

"All right," Dr. Stevens said. "What do you think these sessions could accomplish that might help getting you two there?"

Penny thought. "I need to prove to Leonard that he can trust me."

"Leonard?" the doctor asked.

Leonard thought before answering. "I'd like to understand why Penny did what she did. I think maybe if I understand what happened, and why, I might be in a better place to talk about whether it will be possible for us to be together."

"Good," the doctor concluded. "These are quite closely related goals. Penny, you want Leonard to trust you; Leonard wants to understand what happened and why. I imagine that if we could come to an understanding of why this happened, and work on trying to make sure it doesn't happen again, Leonard might be able to consider trusting Penny. Does that seem reasonable?"

They both nodded.

"Let me ask you each another question, though. Penny, can you tell me what first attracted you to Leonard? What drew you to him?"

Penny smiled. "He was so sincere, and so kind and sensitive. Back then, he was almost painfully shy, but I could tell that he was a person you could rely on, somebody who really cared about people. So smart and thoughtful. And so funny." She thought some more. "His generosity. His intelligence. His smile." She paused and hesitated. "And he's really good in bed," she said, shyly.

"Those sound like a lot of good things. Leonard?"

"I think I was in love with Penny from the day we met. She was beautiful, and honest, and compassionate. And she accepted me and my friends. We were all very geeky scientists and she treated us like people. She accepted us for who we were, and she accepted me for who and what I was, and understood me." He continued, without hesitation. "Oh, and incredible in bed," he said, not shyly at all.

"Well," the doctor continued, "those also sound like good things. A strong foundation on which to build. Let me tell you how I would move forward, if you do decide you want to work with me. First, I'd like to meet with each of you separately, and then we can start sessions together. You don't have to decide now; you can talk it over and get back to me. All right?"

The couple nodded, thanked him, and left. As soon as they were in the car, Penny asked Leonard, "Well? Do you want to continue to see him?"

"Yes, if you do. I thought he was great. Just making me think about why I fell in love with you made me feel a little better. What about you?"

"Definitely. I'll be in touch and I guess we each have to schedule individual sessions."

As they arrived at Penny's apartment building and she moved to leave the car, and he stopped her. "There's something else. I've been talking to Howard, and I think he might be willing to talk to you. I really want you two to try to reduce the tension. It makes everyone uncomfortable, and it's not helping us – or him. Maybe you could be in touch with Bernadette to see if you could see him this weekend?"

Penny smiled. "I emailed her a couple of days ago and she said she'd try."

Friday morning Penny finally heard back from Bernadette.

 _Penny,_ (no "Dear," she noted sadly)

 _Howard and I are willing to meet with you. I know you're off Sunday. How about Sunday afternoon, say 3 PM, at our house?_

 _Bernadette_

Penny immediately wrote back to confirm. When Leonard came backstage Saturday, after the evening performance, it was the first thing she told him.

"I'm glad," he said. "I hope it goes well. He's been really important to me, and I know how close you were to Bernadette."

"I'm really worried," Penny said. "I've been thinking about how to handle it since I got her email. Maybe we could get together afterwards Sunday?"

"Sure. Call me when you're done. And I was thinking maybe we could have dinner with Sheldon and Amy Sunday evening? I see them all the time at work, but you haven't seen much of them, and they're pleased to have you back in the building."

"OK. What about inviting them for dinner at my place? I can prove I can cook."

"Sure," Leonard said. "I'll tell them. And warn them, so they don't have a heart attack."


	14. Confrontation

14\. Confrontation

Sunday afternoon at 3 Penny drove up to the Wolowitz household. She felt like going to a crucially important audition. She rang the bell; Bernadette answered and ushered her into the living room, where Howard was sitting on the couch. He didn't get up, and barely acknowledged Penny's presence with a nod of the head.

Bernadette sat next to Howard on the couch, holding his hand. He looked at Penny with a fury that scared her a little. But she told herself she had to stay calm.

Finally, he spoke, pounding his fist into the couch. "You have no idea what you did to that man. He suffered more than any person should have to suffer. And on top of it, with the asthma attack, he almost died. And for what? So you could get your rocks off with some movie star?"

"Howard!" Bernadette admonished him. They had talked before about not mentioning the deed itself.

Penny looked down for a moment, then back at Howard. "You have all the right in the world to hate me, Howard."

"I don't hate you, Penny. That's part of the problem. I love you. Not," he hastened to add, looking at Bernadette, who smiled in understanding "like that. As a friend. Somebody I considered a really close friend."

Penny nodded. "Me too, Howard."

Howard was calmer now. "I don't know if you can truly understand what Leonard means to me. He made me what I am. Do you remember what I was like when we met?"

"Of course I do, Howard."

"We were lonely, with no social skills, and no friends. And Leonard brought us together, and gave us some self-confidence. He turned us into real people. He's my role model."

Penny nodded.

"And when he got with you, it gave me hope. Not just because you were the prettiest girl around," and he smiled apologetically at Bernadette, who smiled back sweetly, "but because you were normal, and kind, and you were nice to us. We admired you so much. I admired you. And you loved him. He trusted you. We trusted you. Christ, you set me up with Bernadette. You two meant the world to me. Not just as people, but as a couple. And now it turns out it was all a sham, a fake."

"It wasn't a fake, Howard, you have to know that," Penny protested.

He shook his head, not willing to listen. "Do you know what a _mensch_ is?"

"No," Penny admitted.

"It's Yiddish. Means a man. But more than that. A real man, a stand-up guy, somebody you can always rely on. Leonard was that. To all of us. Especially me. And now he's broken, ruined. You did that. Does that make you feel powerful? To reduce a wonderful man to a sobbing wreck?"

Penny herself was starting to sob now, despite all her attempts to hold back. Howard looked at her and his mood softened.

"Penny," he said, more gently, "How could you?"

Penny took a deep breath. "Howard, everything you say is true. And you're right to want me to suffer. _I_ want me to suffer. And if it's any consolation, I am suffering now, and I will suffer for the rest of my life. I want to be punished, just like you want to punish me."

"I don't want to –"

Penny continued. "I don't know if Leonard will ever be able to be with me again. But even if we do get back together, I will be reminded of what I did for the rest of my life. Every single day. When I hold our first baby. When our child graduates from college. When our grandchildren are running around on our front porch. At all those times, times that should be nothing but wonderful, I'll look at my Leonard and remember what I did to him, how I hurt him. And I'll feel miserable, and ashamed, and want to crawl into a hole and die. Like I do now. Every day of my life. Until I die. Maybe that's punishment enough?"

Howard was silent. "Penny," Bernadette said finally, "you have to forgive yourself."

"No, I don't. Some things are unforgiveable. If somebody killed Leonard, I would never forgive him, right? I guess some people could, like people who are deeply religious. But not me. I don't believe in forgiveness for some things. Maybe our couples therapist will change my mind. But right now all I hope for is that Leonard will accept me and take me back. And that I can learn to live with myself without hating myself quite as much as I do now."

Howard looked at her. "I guess it would make Leonard happier if you two were getting along. I'll be honest, I wouldn't take you back. But he might. He needs help, though."

"I want to do what I can, Howard," Penny said. "But I want to tell you something, too. You say you admired me, back then. Well, it can't be half as much as I admire you. You're an _astronaut_ , for God's sake! There are half a million pretty girls in LA who want to be actors. How many astronauts are there? That's amazing. But it's even more amazing to see what you've become, and I respect you so much for that. When I met you, you were – well, you were what you were. But today you're a wonderful husband, and I'm sure you'll be a wonderful father. And you're a wonderful friend to Leonard. So anything you can tell me that can help me be as good a friend to him as you are, I want to know."

"Well," he said, the bitterness creeping back in, "maybe if you were a little less self-absorbed with all this suffering and hating yourself and punishing yourself, you might be able to think about him, to help him more."

Penny was genuinely puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"For one thing, have you even bothered to ask him about his work? Do you even know what's going on with that?"

Penny shook her head, frightened now.

"He pretty much stopped. He's in the middle of the biggest success of his career, and he stopped. There are people in Japan who want to have an international symposium about his work with Sheldon – actually more about his part, the applied part. This is the most impressive thing that can happen for anybody's research, to have an entire international meeting organized to discuss it. And he hasn't even been willing to contact them to set it up. Because he spends all his time thinking about you, and what he did wrong – as if _he_ did anything wrong."

Bernadette looked on with concern as Penny quickly stood up. The young woman was deathly pale.

"Are you all right, Penny?"

"I have to go," she said, her voice trembling. And she bolted for the door. Then she turned to face Howard. "Thank you, Howard. You're a mensch."

Penny drove home, shaking. Howard was right. She had been so intent on her own needs and misdeeds, and on what she felt she had to do to repair their relationship, that she had neglected Leonard's needs, the things he cared about, like his work. Now she remembered that he had mentioned the symposium in Tokyo by Skype, the night before the terrible events. He had been so excited and proud, but then she had ruined everything. At the time, all she could think and talk about was what was happening with her big opportunity, when her husband had a massive opportunity of his own. Afterwards, she loaded him down with all their problems, problems she had caused. What a self-centered person she had become, caught up in her own dramas and focused on her own struggles. He was in the most promising period of his professional life, and he was ignoring it because she had so effectively reawakened his insecurities.

Penny thought she had been doing so well, working so hard to repair the damage she had inflicted to their marriage. But now she realized that she had failed completely, that she had been totally unable to see the full picture. She had ignored what was going on with Leonard, what Leonard needed, what was happening in Leonard's life. She was such a failure, such a self-centered whiner; no wonder he couldn't stand to be with her.

By the time Penny got back to her apartment she was in tears. She ran upstairs and threw herself on the bed. She cried bitterly for nearly an hour, until her phone rang. She was going to ignore it, but saw it was Leonard. Trying to stifle her tears, she picked up.

"Leonard! I'm so sorry! I forgot I was going to call you."

"No problem," he said. "How'd it go?"

"All right, I guess. Do you want to come over now? When are Sheldon and Amy coming for dinner?"

"I told them 6.30, isn't that what we said?" Leonard replied, a little puzzled.

"Right, right." She was collecting herself. "Hold on, I want to check something." She went to the kitchen to make sure she had everything she needed for dinner. "Can you pick up a bottle of red wine on the way over?"

"Sure. See you in a few."

Leonard came in a half-hour later, as Penny busied herself in the kitchen. At least preparing dinner was calming her. She had found with Audrey that cooking – and even cleaning – could be relaxing. So she was better now.

"Hey!" she said, trying to sound normal. She continued working while she spoke. "Sorry to be busy, but I have to keep up the pace here – this is supposed to take 90 minutes, and Sheldon and Amy are due in an hour."

"Can I help?"

"Actually, yes. Why don't you take a look at the recipe over there and measure out the ingredients for the rice dish."

He busied himself with the task, but also wanted to know the results of the day. "Tell me how it went with Howard."

"All right, I guess. He's very angry with me, but I think he's willing to try to be civil. Mostly on your behalf."

"That sounds like progress," Leonard said, pleased.

They worked alongside each other for another few minutes. She wanted to engage, but didn't want it to seem too obvious. "So how was your day?"

"Fine. Relaxing."

"How are things at work these days?" She tried to sound like she was just making conversation.

"All right, I guess. Slow."

"Whatever happened to that thing in Japan? You were telling me about it once. It sounded amazing – a whole meeting just about your work."

"Oh, that. I don't know. It seems like a lot of fuss for no good reason," he said, dismissively.

Penny stopped mixing, washed her hands and dried them. "Leonard, look at me."

He stopped his own work and looked at her, startled.

"What's the problem?" she asked. "Your work was going so well before. You seemed so pleased….But you never talk about it anymore. And I've been too stupid to ask, or to notice that you're not talking about it. What gives?"

Leonard looked down. "I guess I haven't been in the mood to work much."

"I understand, sweetheart. But you have to get back to it. This is a massive opportunity for you, for you and Sheldon. What does Sheldon say?"

"He wants us to keep going with the work. He doesn't want to go to Japan, but he wants me to go."

"Well, then, you should. Please, Leonard, I couldn't ever forgive myself if my…what I did was interfering with your career. Please."

Leonard sighed. "I'll try. I feel a little better now, anyway. So maybe it's time to try to dive back into it."

A few minutes later, shortly after she had put the dinner into the oven to cook, Sheldon and Amy showed up. The four sat and chatted as dinner cooked. Penny continued on the work issue, enlisting Sheldon in the campaign to get Leonard back into it. They talked about the engagement, and possible wedding plans – there was nothing concrete yet, but they were thinking something small and local.

Soon dinner was ready. Penny had pulled her small table out so that it could seat four, and brought the stools over from the kitchen counter. Sheldon and Amy tried to sit on them, but they were simply too tall. Laughing, Leonard and Sheldon went across the hall and brought back two normal-sized chairs.

As they ate, Sheldon and Amy remarked on how good the food was. Penny proudly explained that she had been learning to cook. No more take-out, she said.

"So," Sheldon said as they finished, "when are you moving back, Leonard?"

Amy shook her head at Sheldon, but he soldiered on. "I mean, it's been more than a month."

Penny and Leonard looked at each other. Leonard pursed his lips. "Sheldon, buddy, Penny and I are working out some things. I can't give you a schedule. We don't know ourselves. It could be a while. Right now, we're better off living separately. We're not really in a place where we can be together yet."

Sheldon looked surprised. "You're together now. We saw you together last weekend. I just assumed…."

Penny interrupted. "Sweetie, I know it's rough on you that he's not here, but at least you see him at work, right?"

"See him, sure! But he's not doing anything." Penny shot a glance at Leonard, who looked down guiltily.

Penny was pleading now, "Sheldon, please don't put any more pressure on Leonard. Things are hard enough as it is."

Amy was trying to quiet Sheldon now, but the tall physicist was getting agitated. "I'm not pressuring him. I'm just asking when things can get back to normal. I mean, it's not like you two were such a great couple to begin with."

Amy jumped up. "Sheldon! You can't say things like that."

"Sure I can. Penny knows what she did was wrong. And Leonard certainly knows Penny's not perfect. So let's move on. We need to get back to work. And things here need to go back the way they were."

Leonard stood up. "Sheldon, it's a lot more complicated than that. We can talk about it some other time. I think maybe it would be good if you two left Penny and me alone."

Sheldon looked at Penny bitterly. "This is all your fault, you know."

Penny looked down. "I know, Sheldon. I'm sorry."

Amy looked on hopelessly as the gathering fell apart. She gave Leonard a big hug, and hesitated before doing the same for Penny. "I'm sorry," she said. "I hope we can do this again soon, and maybe a little more calmly. I apologize for Sheldon, he's been –"

"Don't apologize for me!" Sheldon said, angrily. "They're the ones who should apologize." And he walked out the door. Amy sighed deeply and left after him.

Penny looked at the door, disconsolately.

Leonard spoke first. "Don't worry, Penny. They'll come around. It just takes time. You know how clueless Sheldon is."

Penny slumped down on the couch. "He's not clueless. He's right. This is all my fault. It's bad enough I'm making you so miserable, but I'm keeping you from doing really important work. It would be like you keeping me from being in the play. That's horrible."

Leonard sat next to her. "It's not your fault. It's what's inside me."

Penny looked at him. "It is my fault, and you know it. Leonard, you have to start working again. It will help you. It helped me. I don't know if I could have gotten through the last month without work. Try it. I think it will help. Please try."

"OK, Penny. I'll try."

They cleaned up quietly. Leonard spoke first. "It will be a process, Penny. Don't be too disappointed."

She smiled at him.

"Do you want to have dinner together tomorrow?" he suggested. "There's a nice new Indian place in Altadena I've heard about."

"I'd love that," she said, gratefully.

The next day, after Leonard called to say he was on his way. Penny headed downstairs to meet him. As she reached the second floor she saw Sheldon and Amy on their way up. She felt like running away, but instead she did her best to smile and greet them. Sheldon looked daggers at her and walked on. Amy made an attempt to be warm, but Penny could tell it was a struggle. She guessed that the previous evening's disaster had caused tension between Amy and Sheldon. She sighed and continued down to meet Leonard.

They could hardly avoid the topic over dinner. Leonard insisted that it was only a matter of time. "In fact," he said, "I was talking with Amy at work today. She really wants to see if we can try to reduce the tension. She suggested we have a group get-together next Sunday evening, over in 4A. Like old times, you know. I told Sheldon it was a way of trying to get back to normal. That it might even help speed things up. A little lie, maybe, but he bought it. Raj and Howard were willing."

Penny was doubtful. "I think it will be pretty uncomfortable all around." But Leonard insisted, and she reluctantly agreed.


	15. Second thoughts

15\. Second thoughts

After a draining couple of days on the personal front, it was a relief for Penny to plunge back into work in Westwood for the next round of performances. The entire run was now sold out, and there was a palpable buzz both in the cast and in the audiences. Penny found it terrifically exciting, and the accolades for her performance were particularly welcome, given the mess her personal life was in.

Penny was also enjoying spending time with Audrey, who had become perhaps her only friend, now that her old friends were so distant. On some Tuesdays and Fridays she stayed over at Audrey's in Santa Monica, rather than driving all the way back to Pasadena and then having to turn around the next morning and drive back for the Wednesday and Saturday matinees. This gave them time to hang out on some of the matinee day mornings.

That Wednesday morning, with Jordan on the road again so it was just the two women, Penny suggested that they go for another walk in a residential Santa Monica neighborhood. She loved hearing Audrey talk about the homes. They'd look at a place, and Audrey would explain the architecture, estimate the square footage of the house, and guess at its market value. It was pretty obvious that she and Jordan were seriously thinking about buying, and living together.

As the two women sat afterwards in a cafe on Montana, Penny looked up at Audrey. "Can I ask you a question?

"Sure."

"Why aren't you and Jordan married? Or at least living together? I mean, he stays over most of the time, and you two are really good together."

"It's complicated," Audrey said, sighing. "You know, we were both married before. So I think we're a little reluctant to jump back into marriage."

"Oh!" Penny said, startled. "Bad divorces, I guess?" Audrey shrugged. "I didn't even know you had been married. Who to?"

Audrey looked embarrassed. "To Jordan."

"What?! You two were married to each other?!"

Audrey nodded. "We came here young, and we were pretty successful. Not star successful, but we had steady work. We met each other, and we got married young. But like I told you before, we were pretty wild then. A lot of experimentation: drugs, drinking. And we both cheated on each other, although I'm not sure we even considered it cheating, it was just what happened. Jordan has that beautiful voice and he did a lot of road shows for musicals, so he was out of town a lot. And eventually it was obvious that we weren't really ready to be married."

Penny was listening, rapt.

"So we got divorced. And then about three years later we were working together on a TV show, and we reconnected. That was about five years ago, and I think we're gradually maturing into a new relationship. Please don't tell anyone; nobody knows about this. It just seems too weird."

"Of course, I won't mention it to anyone. But I don't think it's weird, I think it's sort of wonderful. But how," she asked, with obvious self-interest, "did you manage to overcome the problems you had before, to get back together?"

Audrey smiled. "Jordan's really good at these things. You know, he's very gentle, and sensitive. We just talked a lot. And," she thought, "he had this idea, I think he read it in a magazine. He called it "truth sessions." We would lie on the floor on our backs, or on a bed, not touching, just looking at the ceiling, and we'd ask each other questions and try to give completely honest answers. It sounds strange, but it was really deep. I could say things to him that I probably couldn't have said to his face."

Penny was listening very carefully. Audrey laughed. "Maybe you should try it with Leonard." She paused a bit, weighing her words.

"Can I ask you something?" She continued, without waiting for a response. "How do you think Leonard feels about what happened?"

"What do you mean, how does he feel? He feels that I betrayed him," Penny said.

"Right, right," Audrey repeated, looking for another way to get through to her young friend. "You know, some people might say that the issue is not so much what you did, but how Leonard feels about what you did."

Penny rolled her eyes. "Now you sound like my therapist. What's the difference? I betrayed him, so he feels betrayed."

Audrey decided on a different tack; perhaps the third time would be a charm. "Can I tell you something I learned with Jordan? Something that might be helpful for you, with Leonard?"

"Of course!"

"Jordan's a sensitive guy, and I think Leonard is, too. But he's still a guy. And they're different. They don't always know why they feel what they feel. I found that a lot of the time Jordan didn't understand, or couldn't explain, why he was angry or upset. Guys don't think a lot about their feelings, I guess."

"Oh," Penny said confidently, "Leonard overthinks everything. Especially his emotions."

"Maybe so," Audrey said. "But I'll bet he doesn't have as much of an understanding of his feelings as you think he does. That's what I found. So I really tried to get inside Jordan's mind. I tried to figure out why certain things bothered him – even when he didn't know himself. I don't think I'd ever done that before, try to really understand what he was feeling. It wasn't easy, but it really helped me figure out how to make things work between us. Sort of like thinking for two. It was work, but it was worth it. Maybe that would be a good exercise for you, too." She concluded carefully, "It might help you understand Leonard a little better, too. That couldn't hurt, could it?"

"Absolutely," Penny agreed, thinking it over. "Definitely." She looked at her friend, admiring her insights. "Audrey, if you don't mind my saying so, I think you guys should pull the trigger. I think you'd be happier living with him in one of those houses you guys are always looking at."

Audrey smiled. "I think so, too. I think we both are ready. Maybe the obstacle now is the housing market: the prices are insane. But we've saved up a bunch, and his parents have offered to help."

"Where's he from, anyway?"

"Jordan? Oh, Iowa, like you."

"Hey, I'm from Nebraska," Penny protested.

"Aren't they basically the same? Iowa, Nebraska, Wyoming…."

Penny rolled her eyes. "Such a New Yorker. They're totally different. You ask Jordan. Plus then you ask him about the Cornhuskers and the Hawkeyes."

"What the hell are they?" Audrey asked, wide-eyed.

Penny laughed. "College football. And Nebraska destroys Iowa. Every time. You tell Jordan I said so."

They headed back to Audrey's, and in to the theater. Call was now later, noon for the matinee and 3 PM for the evening performance, since most of the bugs had been worked out and the performances were proceeding smoothly.

* * *

But morning sickness suddenly became a problem. That day, as the cast prepared for the Wednesday matinee, Penny felt the telltale signs coming on. She rushed to the bathroom and was there for at least twenty minutes, holding tight to the toilet and feeling very weak. Eventually she heard the door open, and she tried to get up so that she could at least pretend to be using the stall for its normal intended purpose. She saw two feet standing in front of the stall.

"Be out in a minute!" she said, with as much strength as she could muster.

"Penny," the two feet's owner said with a warning tone. Penny sighed, recognizing Diane's voice. "You're sick. And I think I know why. Open the door."

Penny opened the stall door and looked down guiltily. "I'm sorry, Diane. How long until curtain?"

"A little under an hour. I already told Jenny to get ready. I walked in here ten minutes ago; you were too busy throwing up to notice."

Penny felt like she was going to cry. Diane walked into the stall and put her hand on Penny's head.

"Dear, we need to talk. Clean yourself up and come by my office."

Ten minutes later Penny was sitting in Diane's office.

"How are you feeling?" Diane said, with genuine sympathy.

"Much better, Diane. At least physically. Mentally, I'm a mess. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I was pregnant, but I really didn't want this to interfere with the show in any way. And I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen."

Diane pursed her lips. "I understand. But, you know, I've gone through this three times, and it can be debilitating. Have you been sick a lot?"

Penny shrugged. "I don't know, what's a lot? Maybe two or three times a week? And except for today it's always been in the morning. Usually right when I wake up. And if I lie down for an hour, I'm fine."

"All right," Diane said, but quite serious. "Penny, we're going to have to see how your condition develops. You understand, I'm sure." Penny nodded.

Diane looked at Penny. "It's Leonard's, I assume?"

"Yes, of course," Penny said.

"And what's happening with you two?"

"We're trying. But it's slow, and it's hard. We're still separated."

Diane pursed her lips. "You know, Penny, choices have consequences."

"I'm sorry?" Penny asked.

"If you choose to carry the baby, there is a chance we will have to ask you to leave the cast. Morning sickness can last for months, and it can get more serious over time. Of course, it can also be mild, and pass. But there's no guarantee. And, speaking as your director, there may come a time when I cannot take a chance on your not being available."

Penny nodded, suddenly feeling sick again. "I understand that, Diane. And I intend to do everything I can to make sure you don't have any problems."

Diane took a deep breath. "Well, frankly, there's not much you can do. It's out of your control. _If_ you carry the baby to term. But, you know, there are options."

Penny looked at Diane, stunned.

Diane shook her head. "You're separated from your husband. If you have the baby, chances are you'll be a single mother. And if the pregnancy is a problem, you may lose your job. I'm not trying to scare you, just to point out the facts. And one of the facts is that you can terminate the pregnancy."

Penny continued to stare at Diane.

"Choices have consequences, Penny. You have a choice. Think about it, and let me know what you decide. I'll work with whatever you choose to do. But you have to realize that if your condition interferes with the play, I'll have to replace you."

Penny finally found her voice. "I understand, Diane. I'll think it over."

Diane's affect softened. "Dear, you have a hard choice. Make the right one given your own priorities and values. And you don't have to tell me what you decide, unless you want to."

"Thanks, Diane." Penny went back to her dressing room, in something of a state of shock. She sat thinking, as she heard the cast prepare for the matinee – a performance she would miss, the first one she would miss.

Penny knew what she wanted to do. But she also knew she had to talk to Leonard about it. She called him at work and asked him if he could come by her apartment at 11. "I know it's late, Leonard, but I really need to talk to you."

"No problem, Penny. I'll be there."

At a few minutes after 11 the two were sitting on Penny's couch.

Penny swallowed hard. "Leonard, I haven't told you, but about two weeks ago I started having some morning sickness. It's been pretty easy to deal with until now, but today it hit me in the early afternoon, and Diane had to pull me from the matinee."

Leonard was visibly shaken. "Are you all right? Have you talked to the doctor?"

"Yes, I'm fine. And the baby's fine. This is completely normal; in fact, my morning sickness is on the mild side."

"And you went on for the evening performance?" he asked, incredulously.

"Yes, Leonard. Morning sickness is not like being sick; it's like an episode, almost like being carsick. I've been dealing with it for a couple of weeks. I feel sick, I throw up, I lie down for an hour, and I feel better."

"You should have told me, Penny."

"I know. But I didn't want to worry you. There's just so much going on. But there's more, because I guess it turns out that my morning sickness is a lot less predictable than I thought." And she proceeded to tell him about her conversation with Diane.

Leonard sat quietly, but Penny could tell he was deeply upset: all the color had drained from his face. "What have you decided, Penny?" he asked quietly.

"I wanted to talk it over with you, Leonard. This is your baby, too."

"Yes," Leonard said, "but it's not threatening my career. What do you want to do?"

Penny looked at him sternly. "Leonard, I'm asking you for your opinion. You have to give it to me. I suppose that, legally or whatever, the decision is mine. But to me, it has to be something we agree on. So tell me what you think."

Leonard breathed out slowly. "I respect your career, and I want you to be a success. I will live with whatever decision you make. But I think it would be a terrible mistake to terminate the pregnancy. Diane and George know you now. Even if you left the cast, you could pursue other roles. More important, I know you want this child. You might have wanted it more, or differently, if we were together, but I don't even believe that. And let me be very clear. Together or not, I will take full responsibility for my part in raising this child. Money, custody, everything. So – "

Penny interrupted him. "Thank you, Leonard. Thank you so much. I never thought for a minute of terminating the pregnancy. I could never do that, not to your child, to our child. But I needed to hear it from you. I knew that is what you would say, and I needed to hear it to help me have the strength to do what I know is right." She was crying now, and Leonard was unsure what to do.

"Thank you, my love," Penny whispered. "I knew I could count on you. I just felt so alone and scared when Diane was talking to me."

"You're not alone in this pregnancy, Penny. I've told you that many times. Whatever happens between us, we're doing this together."

She was calmer now.

He shook his head at her. "You shouldn't have put me on the spot like that, Penny. You should just have told me your decision, and asked for my support."

"I know, that was bad," she said, as her heart filled with sympathy for her poor husband, and what she had just put him through. "But I needed to know. I can't explain it. I knew what you'd say, but I needed to hear you say it. Does that make sense?"

"Not a lot," he said, more sternly than he intended. Leonard thought for a moment. "You know, when Bernadette had morning sickness she mentioned to me that the company has been working on a new drug for it. She was frustrated because it was supposed to be very effective, but it hadn't passed FDA approval and she didn't want to take any chances. I could ask her about it."

Penny looked doubtful. "But if you do that, she'll know I'm pregnant."

"That's true. But she's going to figure it out soon enough anyway. And you know, Penny, it might be nice to be able to compare notes with her. She's a few months ahead of you and that could be useful. Plus if the drug is now available, it could solve your problem."

Penny thought. "OK, ask her. But please ask her not to tell anyone else, other than Howard, of course."

"Sure. Penny, you look exhausted. You should get a good night's sleep."

"All right." And she showed him to the door. "Good night, my love. And thank you."

* * *

Penny felt much better the next morning. It was a beautiful day, and she had time to kill, so she decided to get some fresh air. She liked Audrey and Jordan's routine of walking through residential neighborhoods, so she drove up to one of Pasadena's nicer areas, parked, and started wandering around. She tried to do what they had done in Santa Monica, looking carefully at all the houses and yards. Audrey had explained house styles and landscaping, and now Penny tried to remember what she had learned, noting the differences, trying to figure out which she liked best.

After about an hour, she came upon a park with a little playground. She was ready to take a rest, so she wandered over to the playground, watching the toddlers play. There was a bench off to the side, and three young women were chatting there. Penny walked toward them, a little hesitantly.

"Mind if I sit down?" she asked. They waved her down and smiled at her.

One of them looked at her intently. "Expecting?" she asked.

Penny nodded. "How'd you know?"

"Just the way you were looking at the kids, and at us. I was like that, too. I had so many questions. So here we are: ask away."

After they'd congratulated her and gotten some of the details, Penny peppered them with questions. Natural childbirth vs. epidural, difficulties nursing, sleeping patterns. They answered, eager to share their knowledge.

Finally, Penny had another question. "I'm guessing none of you are working. And that's something I wonder about. I work – I'm off this morning – and I want to keep working. Do you think that's feasible?"

The most talkative of the three nodded vigorously. "You're talking to the wrong crowd, of course – we've all decided to take time off. But I have lots of friends who work. Mainly, I think it depends on your husband. What does he do? Will he help a lot?"

"Oh, he's a scientist at Caltech, so I think his schedule can be flexible. And he's incredibly supportive. He's like the most responsible person in the world. He had a miserable childhood, so I think he wants to be the world's greatest father. He probably will be, too. He's really warm and sensitive."

The three women looked at each other, amused at Penny's sentimental description of her husband. But the more talkative one encouraged her: "A supportive academic who wants to be involved in everything? Girl, you won the lottery!" The others concurred. One added, "My sister's married to an academic. He actually got a semester of paid parental leave to stay home with the baby. You should have your husband check that out."

Penny thanked them, wished them luck, and walked home, humming happily.

* * *

Later that afternoon, Penny went to Diane's office to inform her of her choice. Diane smiled. "I figured, Penny. Congratulations, and I wish you all the best. But remember," she said, more seriously, "if it becomes an issue, we may have to rethink your involvement."

Penny wandered back to her dressing room just as her cellphone rang. It was Leonard.

"Good news, Penny. Bernadette says the new drug is called Diclegis, and it got FDA approval last month. The guys in her lab say it's really effective. She said she would bring you a supply tonight."

That evening at 11, Penny waited nervously for Bernadette. Of course this was largely a business visit, for the Diclegis, but it was also the first time the two women would be alone in a long time. Eventually Bernadette arrived. Penny apologized for keeping her out so late, and thanked her profusely for the medicine.

"Enough about that, Penny," Bernadette said, and Penny was happy to see that she was reasonably friendly. "Congratulations! I'm happy for you! We have a lot to talk about. I'm, what, four months ahead of you – I can give you lots of tips as things progress."

"That would be wonderful, Bernadette. And I'm so glad to see you. I've really missed you."

Bernadette looked at the time, and paused. "Penny, it's late, and I can't stay too long, but there's a lot I want to talk with you about. Can I stay for half an hour?"

"Of course! I don't have to get up early; it's up to you how long you stay."

Bernadette sat on the couch and Penny got them both some water and sat.

Bernadette looked at her friend, a little warily. "Don't take this the wrong way, but is the baby Leonard's?"

"Yes, of course," Penny sighed. "I wish people would stop asking me that. It just makes me feel that much guiltier."

"Come on, Penny, it's a natural question. So what's going on with you and Leonard?"

"We're trying to see if it can work out. He's having a lot of trouble getting past what happened. It's painful for me to see him suffering so much, but I'm hopeful. We're working with a couple's therapist, and I have my own therapist, so we have a lot of help."

Bernadette took a deep breath. "Penny, again, don't take this the wrong way, but are you really sure you want to get back together with Leonard?"

Penny wasn't sure whether to be angry or upset. "Of course! I love him – now more than ever. Why would you say that?"

"Look, Leonard's a great guy, we all know that. But is he the right guy for you?"

"Absolutely! Bernadette, I can't believe you're saying that." Penny now was sure – she was offended. "We've been together for so long, through everything. I can't be sure this will work out, but I know that I want it to. Why are you questioning what we're trying to do?"

Bernadette bit her lip. "Penny, don't be angry. It's just that…with all that happened, well, you have to wonder. I mean, your career is taking off, you're going to be a successful actor. And you said it yourself once, your life with Leonard is sort of boring."

"But that's what I want," Penny insisted. "I know now that I want a family, and I want it with Leonard. I don't understand why you can't see that."

"Because you had sex with another man," Bernadette said brusquely. "A woman doesn't usually sleep with another man unless she's unhappy with her current relationship. It's that simple. I'm sorry, Penny, but I'm your friend – and Leonard's friend – and I don't want to see you getting back together with him just because you feel like you have to make up for your mistake."

"That is _not_ why I'm working on it. We're working on it because we love each other," Penny insisted, almost on the verge of tears now. How could Bernadette not support her in this? Why was she bringing up accusations and reservations?

"I'm sorry, Penny," Bernadette continued. "I felt I had to say something. Look, when I met you, you were a party girl. I would never have imagined you spending the rest of your life with a guy like Leonard. Then you two settled down and it seemed to be working out. But the acting thing came along, and before I even had time to process it you were in bed with another man. Don't you see how that looks?"

Penny nodded now, numb with shame and self-doubt.

The two women sat in silent for several minutes. Finally, Penny said quietly, "I understand where you're coming from. But you're wrong. I love Leonard more than I've ever loved any man. And more than anything, I want us to be together and raising a family. And I hope you can support that if it happens. When it happens."

Bernadette nodded. "Of course we'll support you. And I'm pulling for you, really I am. But I just had to tell you about my questions."

"I understand, Bernadette. And thanks for being honest."

"One more thing, though," Bernadette said, now even more serious. "If you ever do anything like this to Leonard again, you'll be dead to me. To all of us. So you'd better be sure."

Penny nodded. "I get it."

She shuddered as Bernadette got up to leave. She wasn't sure if she should try to hug her friend, but Bernadette solved the problem. She gave Penny a big, long-lasting hug, and looked at her with a smile. "I wish you and Leonard everything good, Penny. And congratulations on the baby."


	16. Choices

16\. Choices

Diclegis proved to reduce Penny's nausea dramatically, so that at most she suffered some vague queasiness from time to time. Within a week, she felt she could tell Diane with confidence that the problems were past. She also agreed to let her tell the cast and crew that she was pregnant, in part to explain her sudden disappearance from the matinee.

Barely an hour later, DiCaprio knocked on the door of Penny's dressing room and entered. The look of panic on his face almost made Penny laugh.

"Penny, I -"

"Jesus, Leo, grow up! If it was yours, don't you think I would have told you?"

"Oh," he said, embarrassed. "Well, I hope nobody gets the wrong idea. People talk, you know. I mean, you know, about…"

"I know what you mean. Nobody knows about it, Leo. Unless you've been talking."

"No, no, I haven't said anything to anybody."

"Good," Penny said, enjoying the upper hand. "Keep it that way, and there won't be anything for people to talk about. I'm a married woman, and the baby is my husband's."

DiCaprio looked so chastened that Penny almost took pity on him.

"Look, Leo," she said, a bit more kindly, "we've got a good working relationship. Let's keep it that way. Just keep your mouth shut."

DiCaprio backed out of her dressing room, looking humiliated.

Penny couldn't resist going next door to Audrey and recounting the visit. They had a good laugh about it.

"Time wounds all heels, I guess," Audrey joked. "I bet he could see "paternity suit" in big letters on your forehead."

Penny smiled. But she did have a serious question for Audrey. "Does anyone else know, besides you and Diane? I mean, have you heard rumors?"

"Not a word, honey. Diane and I talked about it, very seriously. With you two working together, it's definitely important to keep it completely between us. Not to mention that everybody knows you and Leonard are trying to work things out."

Penny was relieved, although it didn't add to her peace of mind to know that the entire company knew about her marital problems – even if she felt pretty sure that they wished her the best.

* * *

Leonard showed up backstage after the Saturday evening show. Audrey saw him walking toward Penny's dressing room, and stopped him. "Well? How are things going?"

"All right, I guess. We started seeing a couple's therapist. I'm not making any promises, Audrey. I think it'll be slow."

She shrugged, sensing his reservations. "Sure, it will have to be, given where both of you are." She looked at him intently. "Leonard, your feelings are your own, and you're entitled to them. Don't forget that. Eventually she'll understand, I'm sure. But she's very…young. A lot of this is new to her, and she's still learning. She really does love you, though. Just keep remembering that." She turned and went into her dressing room. Leonard stood a moment, pondering Audrey's meaning. Then he knocked and entered Penny's dressing room.

"Great performance, again."

"I felt really "on" tonight. Somehow it seems to vary."

"Aren't you tired after the matinee?"

"A little, but it also builds up the excitement. You do one performance, hardly have time to rest, then it's still in your mind when you go on again. So the things I want to change are still fresh for the evening."

"Do you change much?"

"Little things, like tonight I don't know if you noticed, I tossed my hair a little in the first scene. I thought it would suggest more of the flirtiness."

"I saw that! I wasn't sure it was new, though, I couldn't remember. It worked."

"Yeah, Diane liked it. She gives us notes afterwards, and we try to make corrections."

"Wow. It's such an involved process. I had no idea."

Penny smiled at him. "So you mean you just go into the lab and turn a laser on? No preparation, no corrections?"

He laughed. "Touché."

As they got into the car to head back to Pasadena, Leonard suggested, "I'd like to come to see more performances. It's interesting to see how things are different, and I like driving back to Pasadena with you. Would that be all right?"

"More than all right," Penny said. "Why don't you come to the Saturday evening performances? There's less traffic, and I'm off the next day so we can even hang out a little."

"Deal. It'll be fun. You know, this is really my first big exposure to the theater, and I'm enjoying it."

After a few more minutes, Penny brought up something she'd been resisting mentioning.

"George and Diane took a few of us aside last week and told us that they're going to pursue the New York possibility. It will take a while to see if it's feasible, but I thought you should know. Listen, Leonard, I know we talked about this, but we can reconsider. Things are so unsettled, and it may not be realistic to go to New York for six months with a small child, and with our situation still up in the air. And anyway, I'm not convinced that you should leave work for six months – or even more. Just tell me if you want me to say I can't do it. I think my relationship with Diane and George is good enough that they won't hold me to the contract. After all, the reviews of my work have been strong enough to get me started; I don't have to go."

"You should go," Leonard said. "You can't pass up a chance at Broadway. And I have a little news for you. With the reviews the show has been getting, I figured New York was a possibility. And there's no way I'm letting you go there alone, with our baby. So I've been doing some research of my own."

"On what?" Penny asked, curious.

"On the options there. First, the Institute will let me take unpaid leave for up to a year, no problem. Then, I've been in touch with people at Columbia, NYU, and Rockefeller University. I think Rock U is probably the best bet. The guy who hired me at Caltech is there now. They've got a good physics group but they're a little weak in my field, so he seemed interested in my coming to visit for six months, or even longer. So we're covered."

Penny sighed, astonished that Leonard was able to focus on what was good for them, and for their baby, despite all she had put him through. "Is there anything you don't think of?"

They were silent a little longer, until Penny raised another issue. "Leonard, I'm worried about this dinner at Sheldon and Amy's tomorrow night. I know they invited me, and people agreed, but it's still hard for me to face them. They all know what I did, and…well, I can't help thinking that with me there it will be uncomfortable for everyone. Do you really think it's a good idea?"

"I do," Leonard said firmly. "Everybody knows we're trying to work things out. Howard is willing to go, and Sheldon is downright excited about it. You know how much he wants to feel that things are back to normal. You and I may know they aren't; probably everybody, including Sheldon, knows they really aren't; but let's let him pretend. It will make him feel better. I owe him, he's been really good to me."

"All right," Penny sighed, "I'll do it. For you, and for Sheldon. But I'm still worried."

They arrived at Penny's building. But before getting out, Penny had another question. "Would you like to do something again tomorrow? It's really the only day we have off together. I don't want to pressure you, but I'd love to see you. But maybe you have other plans?"

"Sure, let's do something. Farmer's Market, maybe?"

"Sounds great." There was another silence, as Penny gathered up her courage again.

"Are you free Monday evening? Can I cook for you again? I want to show you I've actually learned a few pretty good dishes. We can get the makings at the market tomorrow." Penny suggested, tentatively.

"Sure, dinner Monday sounds nice," Leonard said, and Penny relaxed. "So tomorrow, how about I pick you up at noon? And we can eat lunch at the market, there's a taco truck I've been wanting to try."

"It's a date," Penny said. Then caught herself. "I mean, no, not a date like that. I just meant, it's a time and a place."

Leonard laughed. "It can even be a date date. Look, Penny, we're adults. We know what's going on. We're a couple that's separated, for reasons we both know. And now we're trying to see if it will be possible for us to save the marriage. Spending time together is part of figuring that out. Let's try to be relaxed about it."

"All right, sweetheart," she said, relieved. "See you tomorrow at noon." And she left the car.

* * *

The couple had a pleasant afternoon at the market, then brought the proceeds back to Penny's place to keep for the next day's dinner. They dropped their things and headed across the hall to Sheldon and Amy's.

They were the first ones there, and helped Sheldon and Amy set up. Sheldon seemed a little less angry. Penny approached him hesitantly and said, "Hi, Sheldon. Thanks so much for having us over. I hope it can be like old times."

Sheldon smiled tightly. "I hope so, too." He turned almost immediately to Leonard, and began speaking with him about what she took to be issues related to their work. The others arrived soon after, and they all sat down to eat. Penny observed that Raj was alone, but did not dare to ask about Emily.

Penny noted that Sheldon quickly guided Leonard to sit next to him on the couch, in Amy's usual spot, while Amy sat in the armchair, between Penny and Sheldon. She assumed this was to allow the two women some time to talk. In a way, Penny was thankful, and not only because she had missed Amy. Penny had not looked forward to sitting next to Leonard and Sheldon. She intended to be on her best possible behavior, but she knew how upset with her Sheldon was. She hated to think how uncomfortable it would make Leonard to be caught in the middle of any unpleasantness between his wife and his best friend. And despite everyone's best efforts, she could not help but feel guilty: after all, all those present knew exactly what Penny had done.

Penny and Amy made small talk, about the engagement, Amy's work, and the like. As they talked, Penny watched Leonard and Sheldon anxiously to try to understand from the conversation whether they were making more progress at work. They did seem enthusiastic, and Howard and Raj occasionally joined in as well. She was pleased to note that Leonard appeared cheerful and at ease with his friends.

However, Amy seemed tense, glancing every few moments at Sheldon and Leonard. Whenever Penny herself looked at the two physicists, Amy seemed to make an effort to bring her attention back. Penny also noted Bernadette eyeing her carefully, and realized nervously that now she and Howard knew about the pregnancy. Howard looked as if he barely noticed her presence. At some point, Penny felt she needed a break from the tension and her increasing sense of shame, and went into the kitchen to get some water.

When Penny got up, Amy could finally relax. She had been glad to see that Sheldon had followed their plan, seating Leonard next to himself. This put Amy between Sheldon and Penny. Amy was concerned to head off any recurrence of the conflict of last Sunday's dinner, and felt that the safest strategy was simply to keep Penny from having too much contact with Sheldon. The other men had engaged Sheldon in conversation, she noted with relief. Sheldon seemed able to ignore Penny's presence as he and Leonard talked about the progress they had started to make.

Bernadette looked apprehensively from Penny to Howard, eager to keep her husband's temper in check. Fortunately, Amy appeared to be keeping Penny occupied. After a while, Bernadette felt sorry for the young woman, who seemed truly ill at ease, and tried to catch Penny's eye. Among other things, Bernadette was curious about the morning sickness, but Penny seemed intent either on talking to Amy or on keeping a watchful eye on Leonard and Sheldon. Then Penny went to the kitchen, and Bernadette quickly joined her there.

"How are you feeling?" Bernadette asked quietly.

"A lot better, thanks to you," Penny said, relaxing a little and smiling gratefully. "I think it's really working. How about you?"

"Just fine. And things with you and Leonard?" Bernadette asked, again quietly.

"Pretty much the same. I don't see him, really, during the week. But we spent some time together today. It was nice."

Howard spotted the two women talking almost secretively in the kitchen area. He was not enthusiastic about his wife cozying up to Penny, and called her over on some pretext or other. Penny was left standing alone in the kitchen. She wandered back to her chair just as they started dessert.

As dessert finished over quiet side conversations, Raj finally got a chance to ask Penny a question. "So, Penny, what's it like working so closely with –" and suddenly he realized his mistake, as everyone glared at him "– with such great actors," he said hastily, trying to cover his tracks.

Penny went white, mortified and embarrassed. She looked down for a moment, then back at Raj. "That's all right, Raj. Everybody here knows what happened. To answer your question, the other actors are really great. They've been tremendous with me, especially since I'm a newcomer and they're all veterans. And as for DiCaprio, we work together but otherwise we have no contact. So I can't tell you anything about him other than that he's a great actor and he works very hard at it."

There was an uncomfortable silence, until Amy offered everyone tea or coffee. They all drank quickly and disbanded.

* * *

Dinner Monday was tense. Finally, Leonard felt he had to ask. "Penny, what's wrong? Did I do something to upset you?"

"No, Leonard, no. And you have to stop thinking that every time I'm upset it's because of something you did. That's not really helpful."

"Sorry, sorry."

She glared at him. "And stop apologizing. Look, what's got me upset is dinner last night. I knew it would be very uncomfortable, and it was. For everyone. Didn't you see that?"

"I did," Leonard said sadly. "Sheldon really wanted it to work out, but even he seemed to get that we weren't going to be able to just pretend things were the same. He seemed pretty disappointed today at work. What do you want to do?"

Penny sighed. "Well, I know I don't want to go to another group dinner. Not until things are calmer. Maybe not until we've figured out what's going to happen with us. I can just see it getting more and more complicated once everybody knows I'm pregnant. So no more Sunday dinners with your friends."

"Our friends," Leonard corrected.

"Leonard, at this point they're your friends. They may be my friends again someday, but not now. Most of them are really angry at me, and they can try pretending otherwise all they want, but it's pretty obvious. And it's really hard for me to face them all. It was awkward for everyone."

"Does that mean you want to stop seeing me, too?" Leonard asked.

"No, not at all!" Penny was quick to answer. "I love the time we spend together. I look forward to it all week long."

There was a silence. Penny looked wistfully at Leonard. "Leonard, I don't know how to say it any other way. So I'll just say it again. I love you. I want to spend my life with you. I want us to raise this child, and other children, together. I want to do what I can to make that possible. I understand that I have to prove myself to you, and that it might not work out. But that's what I want. And the more time I spend with you, the better."

Leonard was quiet. Penny tried to be patient, but eventually had to ask. "Sweetheart, can't you please tell me what you're feeling?"

He looked at her, annoyed. "Come on, cut it out, Penny."

"What?" She was perplexed. "Cut what out?"

Leonard glared at her. "I know how therapy works. I don't appreciate your showing interest in my feelings so that you can check a box on your self-improvement list."

Penny protested, startled. "Leonard, it's not like that at all. It's just that these days I have so much trouble telling what you're thinking….Audrey keeps asking me how you feel, and I really don't know."

"Well," he noted bitterly, "doesn't that say something? You've known me for ten years, we've been together for five, engaged for two, married for one, and you don't know how what you did makes me feel? Doesn't that say something about us? About you?"

She looked down at her plate, miserable. "I know, you're right, I-"

"You want to know how I feel?" He interrupted, standing up from the table and pacing in front of her. "All right. I feel terrible. I feel like I got jumped in a dark alley and left for dead. I feel like I've been deluding myself all these years, deluding myself that somebody like you could really love somebody like me. Not love the _idea_ of being engaged, or the _idea_ of being married, or the _idea_ of a family, but love _me_ , the actual me. That's how I feel. That if you really loved me you wouldn't have done what you did."

"But I do love you. Really. You have to believe me." She was practically in tears now, looking up at him, pleading. "Leonard, I know what a failure I've been. I can't take back what happened. But I'm trying so hard now. You have to know that, you have to see it. I'm trying to figure it out, trying to understand what I've been doing wrong all these years, how I can repair it, how I can treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I want so much for us to be back together. Please believe me," and now she was crying, softly, resting her head on her arms on the table.

Leonard looked at her, softening. He reached for her and touched her hand. She started – he never touched her any more. "I'm sorry, Penny. That was not fair. I do believe you. I know how hard you're working on things. It's just…I wish it were that simple, just wanting to be together. But it's not. I can't control how I feel. I wish I could, but I can't. Maybe Dr. Stevens will help."

Penny raised her head and dried her eyes, as Leonard sat back down, spent. "Leonard, I don't want you to control how you feel. Nobody can. But I'd like to know more about what's bothering you, to hear more about what's on your mind. It's not a checklist, I really feel I need to understand you better. I know it's not something I've been good about in the past. And I know it's hard, especially for you. The question I have is whether you're willing to make all that effort. It's a lot to ask of somebody, especially of somebody who's been cheated on."

Leonard blanched at Penny's directness. But she continued. "I cheated on you. I will never forgive myself, but I did it. So the question is, since it happened, can you stand to be with me and try to talk things through? Is that possible? That's what keeps me up at night."

Leonard sighed. "Well, it's what keeps me up at night, too. And I wish I had an answer. I really do, for both our sakes. But I don't."

They were both quiet. Finally, Leonard got up. "I should go, Penny. Thanks for dinner. You really are a very good cook now, it's pretty amazing. Pretty surprising. Maybe if you can become a good cook, anything is possible."

Penny laughed. "Thanks. I think." She looked at him fondly. "I love you, Leonard. I miss you a lot. And I'm so grateful that you're trying."

Leonard nodded. "I'll keep trying as long as I can."


	17. Friends and relationships

17\. Friends and relationships

"Come on, Bernadette, you can't really believe that he should take her back," Howard said, incredulous. It was a few days after the awkward Sunday evening dinner, and the couple was still arguing over what was going on with their friends.

"Why not? So she made a mistake. People make mistakes. And I believe that she really loves him. Maybe he loves her enough to forgive her," Bernadette insisted.

"I don't think anybody could really forgive, or forget, being cheated on," Howard said. "Look how it's affected Leonard. Do you really think he's just going to wake up one morning and say, "Oh, well, let's move on." Would you?"

"I did," Bernadette said softly.

"What are you talking about?"

"Don't you remember what happened before we got married? When I found out about all the filth you'd been involved in?"

Howard's eyes opened wide.

"I was pretty close to calling the wedding off. For good. I was truly disgusted, and I felt betrayed. You hid aspects of your life from me, and I couldn't stand the dirt, the deception. But I thought it over, and you made that speech about how you'd changed. I believed you. And it turned out to be true," she continued, kissing him on the cheek. "So why is this so different?"

Howard thought this over. "Somehow I don't see them as the same. I did some awful things before we met, but Penny did an awful thing while she was married to Leonard. That's not comparable."

"It's not the same, that's true. But it's about forgiveness, and people making mistakes. That's the same. Howard, Leonard needs your support. He doesn't need you to make him any angrier at Penny than he already is. And I've talked to Penny, a lot more than you have. I truly believe that she's terribly sorry, and desperate to find a way to get back together."

"But," Howard protested, "that's not right! It's not good for Leonard."

"Howard Joel Wolowitz! That is _not_ for you to decide. This is Leonard's life, not yours. And Leonard wants to figure out a way to make their marriage work, at least I think he does. In my opinion, a good friend would support him in that. At the very least, help him get his ideas clearer. You don't have to say he should forgive her or anything like that; but you should listen to him, and try to help him do what _he_ thinks is right. Not what _you_ think is right."

Howard groaned a little, but conceded the point. "That makes sense, I have to admit it. And you're right, he really does want to try to see if they can make it work. So I'll talk to him. And listen to him."

* * *

Penny could not deny that the play had made her professional life more interesting. At the beginning of the run there would be hundreds of people, mostly teens and young women, at the stage door screaming for DiCaprio to come out. He would make an appearance, sign a few autographs, let a few of the prettier women take selfies with him and give him their phone numbers. The rest of the cast could leave without being bothered.

Over time, however, Penny found that there were people at the stage door who wanted to see her, to get her autograph, to take selfies with her. She was happy to oblige. And when she and Audrey went out for drinks after a performance, or for a quick dinner before one, sometimes other patrons in the bar or restaurant would come over and compliment them on their performances. Even in the Ralph's near the theater, she would sometimes be approached. Being recognized by a grocery clerk was hardly glamorous, but it was certainly a new experience.

And, as George and Diane had anticipated, offers began to roll in. Given her grueling schedule with the play, her agent turned just about everything down. However, she did arrange a national commercial; her part was shot in a half-day one Monday. And the agent also arranged a minor role on a popular television series, again on the proviso that she could shoot on a Monday morning or afternoon. In both cases, Penny was presented as a Marilyn-style sex symbol, which was fine as a start. And the money was remarkably good for both the commercial and the television show.

Penny and Leonard had settled into something of a routine by now. They had scheduled their appointments with Dr. Stevens for Thursday mornings, then Leonard would attend the Saturday evening performance and they would drive back to Pasadena together. They spent all day Sunday together and had dinners together both Sundays and Mondays, cooked by Penny, at Penny's apartment. No more group dinners: Leonard saw his friends on his own, and there was an unspoken agreement among them not to mention Penny's absence. Everyone understood it; and, from their different perspectives, everyone hoped for a resolution to the drama the couple was playing out.

* * *

Penny saw Dr. Gallo twice a week, in the mornings before going to the theater. And those sessions were fascinating, if difficult. Then there were the joint sessions with Dr. Stevens. After he had met with them individually, they had their first session together one Thursday morning.

"I've now had a chance to talk to you both," the doctor began. "So let me ask the same question I started with: What do you want to get out of these sessions?"

Penny, again, said simply, "I want us to get back together."

Dr. Stevens nodded. "All right. And what do you think would have to happen for it to be possible for you two to be together?"

"I guess Leonard needs to decide that he can trust me. I broke a commitment to him in the worst possible way, and now I need to prove that I will never do anything like that again."

The doctor turned to Leonard. "And what do you want to get out of these sessions?"

"Like I said, I want to understand why Penny did what she did."

"And how would that help you?"

Leonard thought. "I guess because maybe if I understood, I would be able to get past obsessing about what happened and be able to think about whether we should be together. At this point it's hard for me to think about anything other than that she betrayed me." He looked guiltily at Penny. "Sorry."

Penny shook her head. "I'm the one who's sorry." She paused, while Dr. Stevens waited. He could see that the young woman wanted to say something.

"Penny, go ahead. You have something you want to say?"

"Yes," she said hesitantly. "Look, we all know the situation. But Leonard and I have been spending a lot of time together, and I think that this is the first time he's actually said in a straightforward way what he's thinking. That I betrayed him."

Leonard looked at her guiltily. "Sorry, that was unfair of me."

"Stop apologizing! I did betray you," Penny said, agitated now. "That's not the point, that's not what I meant. What I meant was that I need to hear you talk about me betraying you. Like I told you last weekend, I need you to tell me what you're thinking, and feeling. How can I try to work on our relationship if I don't know what's going on in here," and she touched him lightly on the head. "And," she said softly, "here," and she laid her hand gently over his heart.

Leonard was quiet. Dr. Stevens looked expectantly at Penny.

She sighed. "A lot of times I feel Leonard doesn't tell me what's going on in his mind, especially when he thinks it might upset me. But that's the time I most need to hear about it! He's always been like that. Maybe things would have been easier for us if he'd told me more about what he was feeling."

Dr. Stevens looked at Leonard. "Do you have a thought about this?"

Leonard shook his head slowly. "I'm…I'm confused. How does me not talking about my feelings lead to her having sex with another man?"

There was a sharp intake of breath from Penny. Dr. Stevens saw that Penny was struggling, and decided to continue one-on-one with Leonard. "Well, communication is important to a healthy relationship. What would it mean to you if you believed that Penny wasn't honest with you about her feelings?"

"I guess it would bother me, make me wonder if she really cared about me. Raise questions about her commitment to the relationship. But is that really what you felt, Penny? That I wasn't committed to our marriage? Because, you know, I wasn't the one who -"

"No, I didn't feel that all." Penny said quickly, not eager to hear the rest of that sentence. "But…" she hesitated, "I suppose it's possible that knowing you were holding things inside, not willing to confide in me, might have made me a little less connected to you."

Leonard mulled this over. "I think if I'd told you more of what I was worried, or upset, about, it would only have caused more fights, and I really don't deal well with all the fighting."

"Maybe," Penny said. "I can't say it would have been pleasant if you worried or complained more, but at least I would have understood you better. That was then, so it's hard to think back and put myself in that position. I do know that now, definitely, I really wish you would tell me what you're feeling, even if it's something negative. Like remember when we were talking about the pregnancy, after Diane mentioned terminating it, and I forced you to give me an answer?"

"I remember. That was really nasty of you."

"I know, it was. I see that now. But you _told_ me it was nasty at the time. And I was relieved that you told me. It was like a wave of compassion swept over me, thinking how sorry I was for making you suffer. I don't know if that makes sense."

Leonard still looked doubtful. "Most of the time, back when we were together, when I told you something that I was upset about, you just got angry at me."

Penny shook her head sadly. She hated to hear him refer to them in the past tense. But she also hated that his description was not inaccurate. "You're right. I guess I didn't really make it easy for you to be more open. But things are different now. Have I been angry when you talked about how you're feeling now, you know, since we separated?"

Leonard had to agree. "No, not at all. Sort of the opposite: I feel like you want to hear more than maybe I'm willing to talk about. So maybe things have changed."

Dr. Stevens broke in. "Leonard, let me ask you something. Why do you think it is that you're less willing to talk than Penny might like?"

Leonard glanced at Penny warily, and didn't answer.

Penny raised a finger again, and the doctor nodded to her. "Last weekend he said he felt I was asking about his feelings just because I was checking a box on a list of things my therapist said to do."

Dr. Stevens looked questioningly at Leonard, who shrugged his shoulders guiltily. "I know, I guess that was unfair. But sometimes these days I feel like Penny's on a mission. I suppose I didn't really believe that she was seriously interested in what I was feeling. That's just how I felt at the time."

Penny restrained herself as Dr. Stevens continued the conversation. "It seems like you feel uncomfortable talking with Penny about these issues. In the past, you said, it was because she might get angry, but that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. So now, is the problem that you're not convinced she's truly interested?"

Leonard looked even more uneasy. "I guess I know she's interested. I see how hard she's trying. But…but it's not easy for me. I mean, why should I go out on a limb, telling her everything I'm feeling, when I don't know what's going to happen with us? What's the point?"

Dr. Stevens nodded. "You think that telling Penny what you're feeling might leave you open to being hurt again?"

"Sure," Leonard said, shifting uncomfortably. "I mean, I don't think she'd consciously use what I say against me, but after what happened, somehow I don't feel like being so exposed."

Dr. Stevens was silent, waiting for Penny's reaction. He was pleased to see that she raised a finger immediately, and once more he nodded to her.

"Leonard," she said gently, and the softness of her tone grabbed Leonard's attention immediately. He turned to look at her. "I understand that. I really do. I was like that for a long time. It took me years to really try to open up to you, and I still think I have a long way to go. So I understand. But I was being honest last weekend, and I'm being honest now. I'm trying so hard to get better at this, and there's nothing I want more than to know what's going on inside you. I wish there were some way to prove it to you. I wish you knew how much I care about how you've been feeling…." Her voice was breaking, and she looked down.

Dr. Stevens saw the combination of sympathy and confusion in Leonard's eyes as he saw his wife close to tears. He waited to see if Leonard would speak, but the young man was silent.

"Leonard," Dr. Stevens said softly, "do you believe Penny?"

Leonard looked at the doctor, then back at Penny. "I guess I do. And I understand that if we're going to make any progress here I have to get better at this. So I'll keep trying." He continued to eye Penny with concern, as the young woman stared at the floor.

Dr. Stevens let them sit for a bit before summing up. "I think it's not unusual for couples that have been together for a long time to fall into the habit of censoring their feelings, for whatever reason. Maybe it's because you know what issues are likely to set the other person off. Maybe it's because you worry that too much talking about your feelings leaves you too vulnerable. But sometimes that's precisely why two people have to be able to communicate well: to confront difficult issues, in an atmosphere of trust. If that doesn't happen, the result can be that two people drift apart. I'm not certain that's happened here, but I think we can agree that it's an area that you two can work on from now on. It sounds like both of you want each other to be open about how you're feeling. And that would be a good way to move forward. OK?"

As they walked out, Penny linked arms with Leonard and rested her head on his shoulder, startling him somewhat. She had not done that since they had separated. But he didn't resist. She smiled to herself sadly as they walked to the car.

* * *

Howard carried through on his conversation with Bernadette, going for a drink with Leonard after work every few days. The conversation circled around the same issue: what did Penny's action mean, and what did it mean about the future of their marriage? Leonard seemed fundamentally confused about whether and how to move forward. At some point Howard started getting frustrated.

"Leonard, why are you so fixated on trying to understand why Penny did what she did? Why is that so important? Isn't the real issue _that_ she did it, and figuring out how you're going to deal with it? I mean, I know you're an empiricist, but do you really have to have an explanation for this?"

"Yes," Leonard answered forcefully. "Because if I understand it, I can get a better idea of what's really going on in Penny's mind, and why it happened. And of whether it might happen again. Right now, it's just something that happened, like you said. And to me it was a bolt from the blue, a complete surprise. I have no explanation. But people don't do things randomly, there's always a reason. And I have to figure out the reason."

"Why don't you just ask Penny?"

Leonard shook his head. "Believe me, we've talked about it. I don't think she knows, honestly. She's in pretty intensive therapy and according to her the main goal is to figure out why."

Howard was still confused. "I guess I just don't get it. Some things are right, some things are wrong."

Leonard sighed, looking for a way to explain it. "If a friend of yours tried to kill himself, wouldn't you want to know why?"

"Of course."

"Why would it matter why he did it?"

"To make sure it never – oh, I guess I sort of see the point, if you put it that way."

"Right," Leonard summed up. "Penny did something I never would have expected from her. I don't think it represents her true character, or her true feelings toward me. At least I hope not. But I have to know for certain before I can decide whether I want to give our marriage another chance. Now do you see?"

And Howard nodded. Now he did see.

Leonard may have convinced Howard, but he was not sure he himself believed that simply understanding the reasons for Penny's infidelity would take him as far as he hoped. The whole experience had re-opened an issue that he had imagined – or at least wished – had been closed: whether she truly wanted to be with him. As their relationship developed, his fears had faded. But now Penny had, practically the first time the opportunity presented itself, forsaken him for another man. Even if she could provide him with a plausible explanation of why she had strayed, how could he possibly believe that she would not be tempted again?

* * *

One Saturday a few weeks after their initial discussion of Penny's morning sickness and its implications, Penny arrived to find a note from Diane asking her to stop by the office. She found Diane behind the desk, and sat in the chair opposite.

"Well," Diane said smiling, "it's been almost three weeks, and I guess the morning sickness is not going to be a problem."

"I hope not," Penny said with relief. She told Diane about the new medicine, and that she was feeling much better.

"I'm glad. I was worried about you."

"Thanks, Diane. I can't tell you how grateful I am for how well you've treated me."

Diane looked at her. "Penny, can we talk a little, as friends? I hope you consider me a friend."

"Of course…."

"So how are things with Leonard these days?"

Penny sighed. "Still hard. We're trying, but I hurt him so much, I don't know if he'll ever be able to get over it."

Diane nodded, then stood up and walked over to the couch, patting on the cushion for the other woman to sit down.

"Well, I hope it works out. But whether it does or not, you've got some decisions to make. The last time we talked about choices and consequences, you made a choice. It was the right one, I'm sure. But now you're going to have other choices."

Penny looked at her quizzically.

"You're going to have a baby. And you're going to be getting a lot of professional opportunities. I'm sure you're already dealing with a pretty steady stream of offers and possibilities, right?"

Penny nodded.

"Dear, you have to decide what kind of life you want. Now, don't take this the wrong way, and I hope you won't be offended, but you made a choice a while back that had some pretty serious consequences."

Penny looked puzzled.

"I'm talking about what happened between you and Leo."

The young woman bit her lip, paling. "I guess I don't think of that as a choice. More as a terrible mistake."

Diane looked at her carefully. "All right. But it brings to my mind, at least, an important issue. A choice. You have to decide what kind of life you want to have with these new opportunities."

"I'm not sure I know what you mean," Penny said, a little helplessly.

"This is an exciting business. And some people love the glory, the fame, the thrill. There are parties, and ceremonies, and beautiful people. Leo made his decision a long time ago: he lives that life. And that's a choice, one I think we can all understand."

Penny nodded, starting to see where Diane was going.

"You're going to have a child soon. And whether you're with Leonard or not, that can change things. You need to decide how you want things to be with you, with your child. You can choose the excitement of The Life. Or you can focus on family, on the baby. That doesn't mean giving up your career. But it does involve sacrifices."

The younger woman looked at Diane intently. She had been wanting to ask this question for a long time. "What about you, Diane? How do you manage? You don't seem to have made sacrifices."

"Believe me, I have. I've passed on roles that were practically sure-fire Oscars. On roles with incredible directors, fantastic scripts. I've limited my working. All to try to spend more time with my boys, and now with Miriam. I can't say it's easy. And I've missed a lot of their growing up, too. But I try to be home to read to them at night, to tuck them into bed, to watch them sleeping. This play has been really hard, though. Harder than films, and harder than I imagined."

"How?" Penny asked.

"The hours. I see them in the morning before they go off to school, but by the time I get home they're asleep. It eats me up sometimes. I only have Sundays and Mondays. Maybe you've noticed that once or twice a week George takes over for me? That's so I can spend more time with the boys."

Diane looked at Penny warmly. "You know what the high point of my week was last week?"

Penny shook her head.

"You remember maybe that last weekend I took Saturday matinee off, George filled in for me. Simon – he's the ten-year-old – is playing soccer now." She laughed. "All the kids play soccer these days. Nobody wants the boys playing football – you know, because of the concussions."

Penny wasn't sure what this was all about – she had heard of concussions in the NFL, but couldn't imagine how that would affect little boys. But she nodded knowingly.

"Simon's not very good, but he's very enthusiastic. I guess he inherited George's athletic prowess," Diane said, grinning. "But Saturday he scored a goal. And you know all the other kids jumped all over him, the way they do. And I was so proud. Then on the way back across the field he ran by and gave me a huge smile, and a thumbs-up. Now _that_ was the high point of my week. Maybe of the month."

"Wow," Penny said softly. "Can I ask you another question?"

"Sure."

"What are you going to do about New York? I worry about that, with a child."

Diane nodded. "It's an issue. But George and I have decided we're all going to move. It helps that my brother lives there. He's already looking around for a sublet. If we have to we can take something in a suite hotel. His daughter is a year younger than Simon, and they've already talked to the school about the boys coming for a year. If we go, we'd go early and leave late, so they'd be able to have the full school year there."

She paused. "That's a sacrifice, you see. I passed up two films because I want to leave that time clear. So I made my choice."

Penny sat quietly, listening. It was obvious Diane had more to say.

"And that's the bigger point, Penelope." Diane had never called her that before. She supposed it was a signal to listen even more carefully, so she did. "Choices have consequences. If you choose The Life, you could be happy and excited and live the dream. But you might not get to see your son or daughter score a goal. Or act in the school play. Or help him with his homework. To me, being able to do those things is worth the sacrifices I've made. And now you're going to have to decide what it is that you want to do."

"I've always wanted a family," Penny said quietly. "I mean, that's why Leonard and I were trying. And that's why I was sure I was going to keep the baby."

"Yes," Diane said. "But you also wanted Leo, didn't you?" She saw the look of shock and hurt on the younger woman's face. "I know you don't want to hear that, and I hope you can forgive me for being so blunt. But a while back you made a choice. Whatever it means to you, to me it means that at that point you cared more about what you were doing with Leo than about your marriage. And that choice has had consequences. You'll have plenty of opportunities to make more choices like that. There are lots of beautiful men in this business, and you're a beautiful woman. So you'd better decide soon what you're going to do about that. Whether you get back together with Leonard or not, you're going to have to decide what kind of life you really want."

"But I want to get back together with Leonard," Penny said, practically pleading now, and so faintly the other woman barely heard it.

"Fine," Diane concluded. "But all the apologies in the world are not going to do Leonard any good unless you really figure this out for yourself, and act accordingly."

Penny took a deep breath. "Thank you, Diane. That was hard to hear, but I guess I needed to hear it."

Diane patted Penny on the knee. "I'm always here to talk to you if you want. And I promise not to be so blunt all the time. But I like you, I like you a lot, and I felt I had to say something."

Penny got up to leave.

"Penny?" and she turned around to look at Diane. "I hope it works out for you and Leonard." Penny nodded and left, thinking.

* * *

That evening, when Leonard came to Penny's dressing room to pick her up, she looked at him shyly. "Can I show you something?" And she pulled her skirt down a little.

"Just this week I discovered that half my clothes don't really fit," Penny said, smiling.

Leonard was confused, but then realized what she was showing him as he saw the beginnings of her baby bump. He crouched down, examining her mid-section. His smile broadened, as he leaned in and whispered, "Hello, in there."

"Let me look at myself," she said, headed toward the full-length mirror. She turned sideways and smiled. As she drifted into thought, she saw that Leonard was looking at his phone.

"Twelve weeks, right on schedule."

Penny sighed, while Leonard looked perplexed. "What's the matter? I think it's adorable!"

"Maybe. But it means I'll have to talk to Costume. They're going to have to let everything out. I didn't expect this so soon. What happens next, according to your phone?"

Leonard looked some more. "It says the increase will be very slow at this point, for the next couple of months."

Penny thought. "That's good. Another eight weeks left in the show. I guess that will work. I'd better tell Diane, though. Just so she's up to date. I don't want her to hear it from the costume people."


	18. Changing Times

18\. Changing Times

In line with their new routine, Leonard and Penny spent Sunday together. Because they now had a steady day out, and because Penny wasn't ready to make another attempt to socialize with their friends, they had been exploring new activities. Museums, the Tar Pits, historic houses, even short hikes in the hills above Pasadena. And, much to both their surprise, they enjoyed the activities. Leonard even had to admit he could get used to the hikes.

They were returning from a particularly ambitious hike, to Inspiration Point in the San Gabriels, in the late afternoon this Sunday. It had been tiring, but the views were spectacular, and they had had a pleasant picnic looking out over the entire Los Angeles Basin. They got to the fourth floor when they heard Sheldon and Amy's voices coming up the stairs behind them. Leonard turned to meet them as they came up, but Penny grabbed his arm, opened her door quickly and pulled him in. He started to protest, but she put her finger to her lips and silently pleaded with him to be quiet. They heard the couple across the hall enter their apartment and the door close.

Leonard looked at Penny curiously. "What was that all about?"

Penny shushed him again. "Let's go into the bedroom. Voices carry," she whispered.

When they got to the bedroom, Penny turned to Leonard. "Leonard, it's really difficult for me to see Sheldon and Amy. Every time I run into them Sheldon looks so angry, it scares me. Amy just looks miserable. And I ran into Howard on the stairway once, it was really bad. I just wanted to melt away. I'm sorry, I'm just not in any condition to deal with your friends right now. They're all really upset with me, and it shows."

Leonard sat on the bed. "Wow. I had no idea there was this much tension. Sheldon has been great with me, even though I know he's confused and disturbed by it all. He was disappointed when I wasn't working very hard, but that's getting better. I do know he's still angry, but I didn't realize it was affecting you so much. Do you see them a lot?"

"During the week it's not an issue, really. Tuesday to Saturday, Sheldon and Amy leave before I'm up and I get home when they're already asleep. But on Sundays and Mondays when I'm off and home, I seem to run into them all the time. And it makes me crazy. I feel like I want to run and hide. Like I did now."

Leonard looked at her. "Do you want to move back in with Audrey?"

"Not really. For one thing, I'm liking my independence in my own apartment. And for another, it would make it a lot harder to spend time with you. I was thinking maybe I could stay with her Sundays and Mondays, that's just a couple of nights a week. But that might cut into our time together." She sighed. "I have to think about it."

She could see that the situation was upsetting Leonard, so she changed the subject. "Audrey wants to have us over for brunch or dinner some Sunday, with Jordan. Are you up for that?"

Leonard looked uneasy. "Penny, I like doing things with you. But I'm not sure I feel all that comfortable being a couple, if you know what I mean. If we go there, those two are a couple, and then we're supposed to be one. It's a little bit too much pressure." He saw the disappointment on her face, and said softly, "I'm sorry."

"I understand. It's just that she's just about the only friend I have now. And I really like her, and she likes me. These days, you and I only ever spend time together alone, by ourselves. I thought it might be nice to be with other people. Actually, I thought it would be less pressure on you than being alone with me. But if you don't feel that way, that's all right. Maybe some other time."

Leonard agreed. "OK, maybe some other time. I'll think about it."

* * *

That Tuesday evening after the performance, Diane pulled Penny aside. "I didn't want to tell you before the show, but just so you know: a _Times_ critic was here tonight."

"They already reviewed it when it opened. Why would they review it again?" Penny asked.

Diane smiled. "Not the _LA Times_ ; the _New York Times_. It was Bernard Bradley, their principal theater critic. I think there might be an out-of-town review this week. If so, it will really help us get the show to Broadway."

Diane was right. Thursday the _Times_ – the _New York Times_ – ran a review by Bradley.

 _Letter from Los Angeles_

 _Falling Hard in Westwood: Miller Remade on the West Coast_

 _By Bernard Bradley_

 _For the past month, the Los Angeles theater community has been abuzz with discussions of a new production of Arthur Miller's "After the Fall" at the Westwood Playhouse. The revival is directed by noted film actor and director Diane Green, and is her first attempt at a stage play. But more attention has been paid to the male lead, Leonardo DiCaprio, in what appears to be his first appearance on the stage._

" _After the Fall" has long been a controversial play. It is probably no accident that despite the flurry of Miller revivals last year, in honor of what would have been his 100_ _th_ _birthday, this was not one of them. The play is generally seen as a barely disguised pastiche of Miller's own relations with women, in particular with Marilyn Monroe. And the standard view has been that the result is a mean-spirited denigration of a woman who, after all, had divorced Miller and committed suicide at the time the play was written. In addition, the action – such as it is – takes place entirely in the mind of the protagonist, Quentin, jumping around through time and space in ways that have often confused audiences._

 _Ms. Green's version amounts to a fundamental reconceptualization of the play. She envisages Quentin as an insecure narcissist who uses women to stoke his outsized ego. The female characters are, each in their own way, also troubled, but if anything they are more his victims than the source of his problems._

 _Ironically, this production may be closer to Miller's original intent than the usual version. Miller always vehemently objected to regarding the play as autobiographical, and especially insisted that the leading female role was not meant to be a version of Marilyn Monroe. Recent scholarship has tended to reinforce this view, although it remains an open question._

 _Whatever the intent of the author, this production is a terrifically exciting experience. Ms. Green's re-imagining of the play adds depth and color to it, and forces us to reassess a work that many had regarded as decidedly inferior. The new production is both intellectually challenging and emotionally moving, and is one more indication of the extraordinary power and significance of Miller's work._

 _However, the Los Angeles hubbub is not primarily about the nature of the production, although this certainly deserves attention. The male lead, Quentin, is played by Mr. DiCaprio, widely regarded as Hollywood's most bankable star. Many in the industry have openly doubted the wisdom of Mr. DiCaprio's decision to forego six months of a busy and lucrative movie schedule to take on a questionable role in a troubled drama at a smallish theater in west Los Angeles. But Mr. DiCaprio is nothing if not unpredictable; or rather, predictable in his willingness to seek out new challenges. And this is a formidable challenge._

 _It will not surprise those who know Mr. DiCaprio's prodigious and impressive film repertoire that he is stunning in this production. And he is stunning in precisely the way of a great actor: fully realizing the intent of the director. To bring us Quentin as the deeply defective character of Ms. Green's conception, Mr. DiCaprio has to submerge any hint of ego or pride. He does so with remarkable skill, leaving us with a central male character so real that the audience finds itself cursing him silently for his callowness, while pitying his humanity. One senses that Quentin believes he is displaying suave sang-froid, when in fact he is simply tactless and unfeeling. Unfeeling, yes, but deeply human. The performance is remarkable, and especially remarkable in the way it fits with the rest of the cast._

 _For while Quentin is central to the play, in many ways this is an ensemble piece. Quentin's character is shown almost entirely in his interactions with others, especially the three women in his life. And these three women are all presented in vivid detail. Again, Ms. Green's production and the performances upend our expectations. Quentin's first wife, Louise, played here by Audrey Briscoe, is much more sympathetic than usual. In contrast, his third wife, the German refugee Holga, ably represented by Sarah Lucas, is far less appealing than usual. But the most stunning reversal is that of Maggie, the character typically identified with Marilyn Monroe._

 _Here the revelations are two-fold. First is the representation of Maggie. She begins as a guileless innocent. Over time, with her success, she matures, but remains a sensitive, vulnerable young woman. Eventually, her very sensitivity makes her distressingly susceptible to Quentin's machinations. By the end of the play, she has come undone, increasingly distraught as her husband plows his way through the thicket of her heart-rending emotional distress. Here, unlike in most previous productions, Maggie is a three-dimensional character whose tender weaknesses are picked on, and picked apart, by a husband who systematically grinds down her fragile self-confidence until he effectively abandons her to the morass he has helped create._

 _The second revelation is the performance of Penelope Hofstadter as Maggie. This is Ms. Hofstadter's debut on the Los Angeles stage. And what a debut it is! Her Maggie is one of the more unforgettable characters of modern drama. Ms. Hofstadter brings Maggie from youthful exuberance to suicidal desperation without ever appearing labored or overwrought. Her Maggie is thoughtful but fragile, wounded but spirited. The depiction makes Quentin's treatment of her that much more disturbing. It is an extraordinary achievement, and a remarkable debut._

 _The three principal elements of this production are on magnificent display in the culminating scene, in which Quentin and Maggie finally confront each other, and each other's failings. Ms. Green's vision of the two characters, and Mr. DiCaprio's and Ms. Hofstadter's realization of this vision, come together unforgettably. As imagined and performed here, this fifteen minutes is perhaps the most riveting two-handed scene of modern American theater. When it ends, one senses the entire audience sit back, spent, having watched two lives collapse before their eyes._

 _There are persistent rumors that the production may come to New York. Certainly Ms. Green and her producer/husband, George Stein, have the ability to launch a Broadway show. And if Mr. DiCaprio wants to try his hand on the Great White Way, there is probably no better vehicle for him to do so. Audiences in New York can certainly hope that the stars align to make it so._

Given the time difference, the review became available just as the Wednesday evening performance was ending. As actor after actor came backstage and read it, silence descended. Diane walked around among the players, congratulating them all. She got to Penny, hugged her warmly, and whispered, "You'd better start thinking about New York, dear."

Penny immediately called Leonard and texted him the reference to the review. Leonard was waiting for her on the sidewalk when the car drove up. They practically ran upstairs. He sat her down and read the review to her, dramatically, so that it could really sink in. And he re-read the crucial phrases: "What a debut it is…one of the more unforgettable characters of modern drama…an extraordinary achievement, and a remarkable debut."

Leonard was enormously excited, and eventually Penny pulled him down to the couch.

"Leonard, sit down. Relax. You're going to give yourself an asthma attack."

"But Penny, it's amazing. It's awesome. Everything you always wanted. Isn't it?"

Penny continued to calm him down. Finally, she looked at him seriously. "Leonard, you're right. It all came true. But it complicates things. The show, this review, the baby, New York. All this, while my main priority is to see whether and how we can be with each other. It's a lot…."

Leonard was calmer now. "You're right. But," he said, eyes shining with pride, "you made it, Penny. You really made it."

* * *

On Sunday, Leonard picked Penny up at her apartment in the late morning. They had plans to go to Griffith Park for a picnic, then perhaps to a movie. But as they were walking downstairs, they ran into Sheldon and Amy on their way up. Sheldon greeted Leonard warmly, then scowled at Penny with ill-disguised resentment. Amy looked deeply embarrassed, and rushed past. Leonard glanced at Penny and saw that she was a deathly white. As soon as they were out of the building, Penny collapsed in tears.

"I can't take it, Leonard, I just can't. I can't stand seeing them, and Howard and Bernadette, and everybody. It makes me feel so awful. I mean, I know I deserve it, but still, it's just too hard."

Leonard led her to his car. When she had stopped crying, she explained, "Leonard, I'm overwhelmed. The show, the pregnancy, our situation, all the therapy. I don't mean to be selfish, but I just can't handle trying to deal with your friends at this point. I'd love to be able to patch things up with them, but it will take so much work, and I'm completely exhausted. It's just too much. I know that sounds terrible, but I really feel like I'm at my breaking point."

Leonard shook his head, "Penny, it's not selfish, and I understand. You're dealing with so much, I don't even know how you do it." He paused for a moment. "Look, I've been thinking about this situation, ever since you told me how you've been feeling last week. And I have a suggestion. You said the problem is Sundays and Mondays when you're off, right?"

"Yes. Other days I never see them – they leave early and I get home late. It's only on my days off. But that's too much, Leonard, I can't do it anymore." Suddenly what he had said registered. "Oh. What's your suggestion?"

"You should stay with me those days."

Penny was stunned. After a bit, however, she shook her head. "I don't think that's a good idea, Leonard. Part of me would love to, but I feel like it might be putting too much pressure on you, asking too much of you. Plus, to be honest, I feel like I'm a little too old to be sleeping on a couch, even if it is only a couple of nights a week."

Leonard shook his head. "Not on the couch. You can stay in the spare bedroom. It has a futon that converts into a pretty nice bed."

"You have a spare bedroom? I thought it was a one-bedroom?" Penny said, realizing that she had not been at Leonard's place since that first time, and when there all she had actually seen of his apartment was the front room.

"Two bedrooms," Leonard said. "The second one is nice, and it's yours if you want it. Why don't you come take a look and see what you think?"

Penny was doubtful. "But what about the other? I'm trying to give you space to figure out what you want to do. I don't want to be getting in your way."

Leonard smiled. "I think two nights a week is fine. I've got the whole rest of the week to be alone. Penny, I like your company. And this might give us some more opportunities to talk through some of the things we have to work on."

They went over to his apartment so that she could check it out. It turned out that Leonard's second bedroom was very nice indeed, as was the futon. But she was curious. "Why two bedrooms, sweetheart?"

Leonard looked embarrassed. "I just thought that if we did get back together, and did succeed in getting pregnant, a bigger place might be useful."

Penny was overcome, not even knowing how to react any more. Even in the midst of all the pain, he had held out hope for them to reconcile, and had planned for a child that he hadn't known she was already carrying. She sat on the futon, shaking her head and staring at him.

Leonard knew what she was thinking. "I didn't know if it would happen. I wasn't sure how to make it happen. I'm still not sure."

He looked embarrassed and clapped his hands. "So, what do you say? Do you want the room? If so, it's yours for Saturday and Sunday nights only."

"If you're sure, I would love it. Can you help me bring over a few of my clothes?"

That evening they moved some of Penny's things into Leonard's spare bedroom, and began a new routine. Leonard would come to the Saturday performance and they would drive back to his place, where Penny would stay until late Monday evening, when she would head back to her apartment. Penny decided she needed to explain her disappearance to Sheldon and Amy and sent them an email, explaining that she and Leonard felt that they needed some more space to work things out.

His protestations to the contrary notwithstanding, Leonard did worry that the new arrangement might be moving too fast. But Penny was very discreet, avoiding any behavior that might hint at intimacy. She even bought Leonard a big blue terrycloth robe so that he could go back and forth to the bathroom without feeling that she was eyeing him. And she made sure to keep her physical and emotional distance while they were in the apartment together. She had understood – and discussions with Dr. Stevens had confirmed – that pressure would not be helpful, and might be counter-productive.

* * *

Penny's work with Dr. Gallo was intense, and she felt that every session helped her understand herself better. She found it painful, but she realized that it was part of growing up.

"What made you decide to quit acting, back then?" Dr. Gallo asked at the beginning of one session.

"It sort of got decided for me - I got fired. From a really horrible movie. I just figured that it wasn't worth all the drama and the humiliation."

"That was a big decision. Was it hard?"

"Not really. We came home from the set, and I was thinking about my life, and how the acting really wasn't going anywhere. I decided it was time for us to move forward with our relationship. So I suggested we get engaged."

"You suggested it?"

"Yeah, actually we had a deal, because Leonard had proposed a few times, at the wrong time. So our deal was if I wanted us to get married, I'd have to propose. So I did."

"And how did Leonard react?"

"Oh, he was happy." She paused. "Actually, he was sort of mad at first."

"Why was he angry?"

"I said I wanted to make smart decisions, and that getting married was one of them. I guess he felt like that was making getting married to him sound boring. I guess it wasn't romantic enough for him."

Dr. Gallo looked at Penny. "So you gave up your acting career, and proposed to Leonard on the same day?"

"Yep. Funny, isn't it?"

"And why had you decided to dedicate yourself to acting, before this?"

"Oh, you know, the usual dreams: the excitement, the glamor, the fame and glory. All that nonsense."

"So you gave up the excitement for marriage."

Penny looked puzzled. "No, it wasn't like that at all. I got fired and I was tired of it all." She thought. "But I guess that's what he meant when he didn't like me calling it a smart decision. Maybe he felt I was comparing the excitement of being in the movies to the sensible idea of marrying him."

Dr. Gallo nodded slowly. "And then you went back into acting."

"Yes, almost by coincidence. But it sure worked out!"

"It did, I know." Dr. Gallo paused. "That must have been exciting."

"It was. It is," Penny agreed.

"So did that change your views toward marriage?" the doctor asked.

"No, why?" But then she stopped short. Slowly, a revelation formed.

Penny looked at Dr. Gallo. "Do you think that maybe Leonard thought that now that I had my acting career, I wouldn't be as interested in him?"

"I don't know," the doctor said. "Do you?"

"Well," Penny said slowly, "it would make sense. When I gave up on acting I chose him, the smart thing. He thought I meant he was boring and I was choosing boring over exciting, because exciting hadn't worked out. But then when I got back into acting, maybe he was worried that now that the excitement was back, I would choose a different life. A life without him."

"Do you think that was a possibility?"

Penny didn't really hear her, focusing on what Leonard might have thought. "It's possible he thought that. And then when I slept with…that actor" – Penny had never told Dr. Gallo the identity of the actor – "I guess it confirmed to him that I was choosing the exciting life instead of him. That could have made sense to him."

They sat there quietly. Finally, Dr. Gallo continued. "Leaving Leonard aside, does it make sense to you?"

"What?"

"Are you more interested in the exciting life of an actor than in whatever you associate with marriage?"

"No!" Penny insisted. "No," she said more calmly. "I think I've made up my mind. I don't really think it's an either/or thing, though. Diane was just telling me how she tries to find the right balance. That's what I'd like. I'm definitely not willing to give up family life for my acting career. I want to be able to combine acting with a family, and a family life. With Leonard."

"Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure. But I guess I have to convince Leonard. And I guess the evidence he has isn't too convincing, is it?"

"Well, at least you may have a better understanding of what some of the issues are likely to be," Dr. Gallo said.

Penny was quiet, thinking about the implications of their discussion.

Dr. Gallo let her sit for a minute. But she wanted to move on.

"I have a question for you, Penny. You said before that you were drawn to acting because of the glamor and fame. Is that still the case?"

"Oh," Penny said, a little surprised. "What an interesting question." She thought. "At the beginning, maybe. Sure. You know, it is exciting. These days, though, I don't think about the glamor part so much. It's not very glamorous, anyway, just a lot of hard work; and then there's so much else going on in my life. But I love acting, I love it more than I ever thought I would."

"What do you love about it?" the doctor asked.

"Well, for one thing, now I feel that it's something I'm doing really well, that I'm successful at. That's big. But what's really grabbed me is the challenge, trying to get into a character's inner life. To understand my character's motivation. It's so deep. I don't think I ever thought so much about getting inside somebody else's skin. It's really exciting. Trying to figure out why she does what she does, what she's trying to achieve, what moves her." She stopped, lost in thought.

Dr. Gallo gave her some time. But she saw an opening, and was not about to let it pass. "It's quite a skill, to understand what motivates, or moves, another person." She paused. "What do you think moves Leonard?"

Penny looked up in surprise. "Oh. Well, his work; trying to understand the universe and all that stuff. And…well, I guess, me. Us. Before, at least."

"What do you mean?"

Penny reflected. "I think he was moved to make me happy, to make us happy together. To build our lives as a couple, as a family, to be a good partner and a good provider. He really worked hard at that," she continued wistfully. "You know, his own childhood was miserable, and I think he wanted more than anything to have a family that he was proud of, a happy family. I really think that was one of his major goals in life."

Dr. Gallo waited patiently.

Penny looked up at her, and finally the doctor saw the shock of comprehension. "I took that away from him, didn't I? Took away his motivation, what moved him. What he wanted most out of life." She ran her fingers through her hair nervously. Her voice dropped to barely a whisper, as she grasped the full import of her realization. "Oh, how awful. That poor man. That poor, poor man….How could I do that to him?" She lowered her head and her eyes filled with tears.

Dr. Gallo smiled inwardly at the breakthrough, handed Penny a box of tissues, and brought the session to a close.


	19. Tension

19\. Tension

Over the next few days, Penny thought about her session with Dr. Gallo. Both Audrey and the doctor seemed to imply that she needed to understand Leonard better, and the revelation of how deeply the collapse of their marriage might have affected him made it all the more important.

Penny had decided to marry Leonard once her acting career collapsed. Now that it was revived and promising, it would be natural for Leonard to worry that she would lose interest in him. She knew Leonard well enough to recognize that one of the first things that might occur to him was a serious question: Could a successful actor really be satisfied being married to a person like him? And she realized sadly that within a few weeks of re-starting her acting career, she had given him what must have seemed like a pretty definitive answer: No.

In Leonard's mind the central lesson of her infidelity might not have to do, as it did for her, with Penny's shortcomings, but with his own. To Leonard, her behavior probably confirmed his fear that he was unable to satisfy her, and heightened his belief that her success would make his defects that much more obvious to her. She had robbed him, not just of hope for the happy family he had always wanted, but of the belief that he was good enough for her – maybe, that he was good enough for anyone. This, even as her own appreciation of just how unusual he was had been growing week by week.

Penny was eager to continue to explore these insights with Leonard, and brought it up when she saw him next, at their session with Dr. Stevens.

"Leonard," she asked, looking anxiously at him and Dr. Stevens, "did you have reservations about me going back to acting?"

"No, not really. I mean, it wasn't like before, quitting a job to see if it would work out: this was an amazing opportunity."

"I didn't really mean like that." And she explained what she and Dr. Gallo had talked about. Perhaps, she wondered, referring back to events three years earlier, he thought that her quitting acting and deciding they should get married on the same day implied that she thought he was the consolation prize. And that going back to acting now might mean that she was going to distance herself from him.

Leonard breathed out heavily. "There might be some truth to that. I remember the day we decided to get engaged. I felt like you were picking me instead of acting, and it made me sound like something dull and sensible. You thought your acting career was over, the thrill was gone, so you settled for me."

"Oh, that's terrible," Penny said glumly. "That's not true at all. I never thought of marrying you as settling, Leonard."

"Maybe not, but look at what happened after your acting career got started again," he said, resentfully. And he looked at her, for long enough for her to see the pain in his eyes. "Anyway, when _After the Fall_ came along, I was very happy that you were getting to realize your dreams. But I did worry that that trying to start a family and restarting your acting career at the same time might be too much, that it might cause problems."

"So why didn't you mention this at the time?" Penny exclaimed, frustrated.

"I did," Leonard said softly. "At least, I tried."

"When?" she asked, surprised.

"A few times, right at the beginning. But I think you just got irritated."

Penny tried to cast her mind back to remember any such conversation. She did recall his questioning the feasibility of a baby and the play, but she had dismissed it as his usual excessive caution. Now she realized she should have taken it more seriously. "I don't remember it too well, but I'm sure you're right. That's bad. I should have tried to find out what you were afraid of. I'm sorry."

Dr. Stevens broke in. "I think this is a useful continuation of what we have been talking about: communication. It sounds like you two weren't that good at listening to each other."

Penny raised a finger. "That would have been me, really. Leonard has always been a good listener. I don't think he ever got angry or annoyed at me for telling him what I was feeling. But," she continued gloomily, "I guess I really wasn't that good a listener. I suppose Leonard not opening up might have been my fault as much as his."

Dr. Stevens carried on brightly. "Well, but it's progress to recognize that there was a problem. And I think both of you have agreed that you're communicating better now. Do you both feel that way?"

Leonard nodded. Penny was quiet. "Penny?" the doctor prodded.

"I'm not sure. Maybe it's because of what happened. Maybe we were never so good at talking," Penny said, nervously. "But I get the feeling Leonard's still not comfortable with it. Like I said last time, I have trouble figuring out what he's feeling. Maybe in the past it was all right, we could ignore things. But now, given what we're trying to do, it's frustrating."

"Leonard?" the doctor turned to him.

He shook his head. "I'll try. Can I just point out, though, that it's not like I'm the one that left the relationship. But I get what you're saying. We have to give it an honest try. So I will."

Penny was saddened by the veiled accusation, but she had to recognize that Leonard had his reasons. And she was heartened, as the session ended, that he continued to express a willingness to keep trying.

* * *

Penny wanted to pursue the line of thinking that had started with her session with Dr. Gallo, and carried over to their session with Dr. Stevens. So that Sunday, she made a suggestion. "Audrey told me about something she and Jordan do, they call it a "truth session" and I think it might be good for us." She explained the concept, and Leonard said he was willing to give it a shot.

They tried their first "truth session" that evening after dinner. Penny started, settling her head on the pillow and staring at the ceiling as he did the same. The only light was what came in from outside, through the patio's sliding-glass door. She watched the patterns of light and dark shift above her, as she gathered her courage to keep the conversation going. "Leonard, I want to talk more about what we were discussing with Dr. Stevens. Did you really feel that me going back to acting might put our marriage in danger?"

Leonard thought. "Well, not quite so directly as that. But I did have some doubts about whether you could be fully committed to us as a family if you were going to be a famous actor."

"What did you think might happen?"

"I didn't know. I guess I worried that the demands on your time might be difficult, so that you'd have to choose to neglect either your career, or your family."

"That seems reasonable," Penny admitted. "I wish you'd talked with me more about it. I guess you tried. So I wish I'd been better at listening."

"It wasn't just that," Leonard continued, a little reticently. "I suppose I wondered whether life with me would be enough for you, once you got a taste of the excitement of Hollywood and all that. I mean, you came to LA to make it in acting, not to marry a nobody like me."

"I hate it when you talk about yourself like that, I really do, Leonard. It's so unfair. And so untrue." She sighed. "Anyway, I came to LA a long time ago, with a lot of silly ideas. I grew up. I loved our life together, that's what I wanted," Penny insisted.

"Really?" He sounded agitated. "To me it seems like what you really wanted was to be a famous actor hanging out with other famous actors. And in, what, two weeks, hanging out became –"

"I know, I know," Penny said miserably. "But that was then. That was a crazy mistake, one I'll never repeat."

"That's what you say now," Leonard continued, and for the first time in weeks she sensed that he was getting truly angry. "But when the opportunity came along, the temptation was too strong, wasn't it? There was him, and there was me. And it took you just a couple of weeks to decide that you wanted somebody better than me, and the next thing I knew you were in bed with somebody really exciting, Leonardo DiCaprio."

Penny pleaded, her voice breaking now, "Please don't say his name." From a foot away, she could feel his body tensing, as waves of resentment swept over him.

"Why not? That's who it was, wasn't it? You…you fucked him, I can say his name," Leonard said bitterly. "Leo, Leo, Leo." Penny shook her head in despair.

Leonard continued, his voice increasingly tight. She recognized that he was fighting to control himself. "The image of you two together is more painful than anything I've ever experienced."

Penny swallowed hard. It distressed her to hear how rejected he felt. "I know, I know. I wish I could do something to help."

"Well, you can't," Leonard said, still trying to stay calm. "Those images in my mind, they drive me crazy."

Penny felt she had to say something to reassure him. "Leonard, you have to know, whatever happened, you are the love of my life. Nobody could ever replace you in my heart."

And finally his fury boiled over. "In your heart, no, right? But it was easy to find a replacement in your…" he caught himself before he hit too low "…your bed! Or rather his bed. I just don't get it, it doesn't make sense, everything that happened, and how it happened, and why it happened, and whether it might happen again, the next time you get the chance." He paused and took a deep breath, attempting to keep from shouting.

"You keep saying you love me, that you're committed to us." It was no use; his anger took over. "But as soon as you got the opportunity, you fucked _him_. Not me, him. That's what I can't get past. Every time I think I might, reality comes back: you decided to fuck him because he was rich and famous. But you had a husband at home! Maybe it was only me, but I was your husband! You could do it again, too, that's going to be your world now. What's going to happen when you're on location in Toronto or Miami and the next pretty boy makes eyes at you? Are you going to fuck them, too? They're all better than me, I can't compete with them. _You chose him, Penny. You chose to fuck him!_ And you could do it again, any time you feel like it. And there's nothing I can do about it _,"_ he concluded, voice breaking with a terrible combination of rage and indignation. "And I can't get that out of my mind."

Penny was sobbing quietly now. Leonard sat up. "Well, that didn't work out too well, that truth session."

Penny sat up in shock. "What do you mean? That was incredible. That was the best talk we've had in months."

"But you're so upset now," Leonard said, confused.

Penny pounded her fist on the floor in frustration. "Who cares if I'm upset? People get upset. I get upset. God knows, we have plenty of reasons to be upset. But finally, finally, you told me what you've been feeling, what you're worried about, what you're afraid of. Of course you're hurt about what I did; I knew that."

She looked at him intently. "But I didn't really understand how afraid you are that it might happen again, and how tied up it is with my going back to acting. I needed to know that. How can I address your fears if I don't know what they are?"

Leonard sighed. "It's so hard, Penny, especially now." Penny reached for him and touched his arm lightly.

"Leonard, for months all I've wanted to do is hold you tight, to try to help take away the hurt and the pain. But every time I get close, I feel you tense up. And I didn't know why. Do you hate me? Do I disgust you? Are you punishing me? I had no idea. But now I think I understand. When I get near to you, it brings back memories of what I did. And, to make it worse, you have questions about whether I want to be with you, whether I'll cheat on you if I get another opportunity. Isn't that right?"

Leonard nodded, sadly.

"I needed to know that, I needed to understand. It makes sense to me. Why would you want to be close to me if it provokes painful memories, and if you think I'm just going to hurt you again?"

Leonard shrugged his shoulders, helplessly. "I wish I didn't feel this way."

"I know you do. But it's important for me to know that you do. Can you see that? If we have any chance of making it through all this, I have to know what's going on with you. I _know_ it's hard, I know it's terribly hard."

"I hate to see you so upset, Penny. It breaks my heart," Leonard said softly.

"I know that, sweetheart. And I appreciate that. But I've been crying myself to sleep for four months. And yet I'm still here. I'm still alive. I still go onstage for seven shows a week. I'm not going to break."

Leonard still looked doubtful, so Penny tried again. "You say you're willing to work on our marriage. Well, this is what that looks like. You get to tell me how much you hate me, and about all the awful things I've done, and how you can't trust me anymore, and how scared you are that I'll betray you again because I'm a terrible person. And I get to try to figure out what to do about it. That's what working on our marriage is going to look like. I'm willing to do that. I'm desperate to do it. But I can't do it alone. You have to be honest with me about what you're thinking. Please, can we try?"

"All right. I guess I understand. I guess I'm willing. But I don't hate you, I never hated you."

"OK, fine, whatever. But back down," she said, authoritatively, lying back down on her pillow and staring up at the ceiling. Leonard slowly did the same, moving another foot away from her. Penny's mind was racing, trying to figure out how to make this work. She thought of what Audrey had been telling her, of what Dr. Gallo might say, and she knew where she wanted to push the conversation.

Penny began again. "What did you mean when you said you couldn't compete with them, that they were better than you?"

Leonard shifted uncomfortably on the floor. "Come on, it's obvious, isn't it? Your new world is full world-class sex symbols. Handsome young guys who aren't little scientists with glasses. And I know how important sex is to you. How can I compete with that? I mean, it took me two weeks for me to lose the first competition…."

Penny was very quiet.

Leonard continued. "I'm not going to say anything about what happened. But I know that there are thousands of movie stars out there who are better in bed than I am, who you'd rather have sex with then me. Don't pretend otherwise. I'm not an idiot, I know that just about any woman in the world would choose one of those guys over me."

Penny spoke very quietly. "You're wrong, Leonard." She thought for a bit. "You know, Amy told me about studies about how women respond differently than men to sex. She said it has to do with evolution. Back when we were cavemen, men's goal was to have as many children as possible. But women have to carry the child for nine months and then they have to protect it for two or three years, so they need a man that will stay with them and take care of them. So for women sex is different."

Leonard interrupted, somewhat rudely, "And your point is?"

Penny continued, "Sorry, I thought you might be interested in the science part. The point is that for women….Okay, forget about women, I'll just talk about me. For _this_ woman, sure, sometimes sex is just sex. I've had plenty of that." She imagined him grimacing, and regretted saying this immediately. But she went on. "Leonard, sex with someone that you love is so much more."

She paused, then continued with a voice charged with emotion. "Leonard, sex with you has been the most amazing sex of my life. When I was with you, when you were with me, I felt like there was nothing else in the world. The physical pleasure was incredible, I know you know that. But it was also the emotion, the feeling I could let myself go, let myself be with you. I can't explain it. If you didn't feel it, I can't explain it. But that's the truth. Nobody has ever given me pleasure the way you can, because sex with you was sex with the man that I love, the man that I have loved for so many years, the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with."

She took a deep breath and continued, more urgently now. "Leonard, I know that a lot of the problem is what you think about when you think about me with another man. I know that haunts you. And I understand that you're afraid that if I make it as an actor I might lose interest in you. I wish I could set your mind at ease, but I know it will take time. Still, knowing all this helps me see what's been going on with you these past few months. But if any of that has led you to believe that sex with someone else would be better than sex with you, well, then, you're wrong."

She stopped again, thinking, then continued. "Since we've been apart, when I'm, you know, taking care of myself, I only think of you. Only of you. All I think about is that cocoon, that safe area, that was us when we were making love. I'm serious, Leonard. I hope you can believe me when I tell you that with you I've had the most extraordinary sex of my life and I can't imagine that anything could ever surpass it. Ever."

Leonard felt he had been holding his breath for minutes. When Penny finished, he said. "Wow. That was beautiful, Penny. And I do believe you. I know I've been hard to deal with, but I do believe you."

Penny sat up. "I think that's enough, my love. I'm sorry if I talked too much. But I think these were important issues to get out on the table. Or on the floor," she laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

Leonard sat up and nodded. Then smiled and looked at her. "Taking care of yourself, huh?

Penny blushed. "Sure, don't you?"

He stood up. "None of your business," he said lightly, and walked to the kitchen

"You're right," she said standing up herself, "it is none of my business. But I have to tell you I do only think about you. I tried to think of other people because I thought maybe it wasn't healthy, but I couldn't."

Leonard looked at her. "Well, me too. I only think of you. Oh, and Supergirl."

"Hmm," Penny murmured, "I guess I'd better lay in a supply of kryptonite. That works on her too, doesn't it?"

"Sure, she's Superman's cousin, they're both from Krypton. But please don't kill her. She's too pretty."

"Uh-oh," Penny said in mock dismay. "Let me see a picture of her."

Leonard pulled out his tablet and brought up picture of Melissa Benoist as Supergirl.

Penny whistled in appreciation. "Wow, she's gorgeous. And I don't have any special powers."

"Not sure about that," Leonard said wickedly. "You've got some pretty impressive powers of your own. Plus, in my opinion, you're prettier than she is."

Penny shook her head. "No way, she's unbelievable. I think I recognize her. Wasn't she in _Glee_?"

"Yes," Leonard said, "and she's married to the guy that she was supposed to be dating on the show, Blake Jenner."

Penny looked at him with mock suspicion. "Have you been stalking her, Leonard? Since when do you follow celebrities?"

Leonard looked embarrassed. "I guess I'm a little infatuated with her. She's Supergirl, after all." He pulled up a clip from the show.

"Oh, man," Penny said, "she can act, too. I see I've got a problem here."

"I don't know," Leonard smirked. "I was thinking more of a threesome."

Penny looked pensive. "Hmm….You, me, and Supergirl. I'll have to think about it. She's really gorgeous, though. I'm not sure I want that kind of competition."

Penny got serious now. "Sweetheart, you see, it's all right for you to think other women are beautiful. You're married, you're not dead. You're an attractive man, a normal man, and it's normal for you to be attracted to other women. Just so long as you don't act on it."

"Well," Leonard said doubtfully, "if Supergirl flew through that window, I don't know..."

Penny nodded her head. "Well, I guess, if Supergirl did fly through the window, I might cut you some slack. Like I said, I would consider a threesome with Supergirl. _Not_ with Melissa Benoist," she said firmly. "Supergirl."

"Deal," Leonard agreed.

The lighthearted turn of the conversation made Penny happy. It almost felt like old times. And it also reminded her of something. "Leonard, where are all your…" she looked for the right word, "collectibles?"

"Oh, I left the mundane ones with Sheldon. The valuable ones are in the basement."

"The basement?"

"There's a storage unit for the apartment in the basement, next to the laundry room. I'll show you sometime. Anyway, the collectibles and my comic book collection are there. They're pretty valuable."

Leonard looked shyly at Penny, glancing at her growing belly. "I figured if I sold them they'd make a good start on a college fund. I'm sort of glad I thought of that."

Penny was, once more, astounded that, in his darkest moments, Leonard had still held out hope for them – and had started to plan the financial future of a child that he didn't know had already been conceived. This man was so unlike anyone she had ever known. She had taken so much for granted, so many things that now amazed her. Penny looked at Leonard. "I don't know what I ever did to deserve you, Leonard. I really don't."


	20. Future plans

20\. Future plans

By now, Leonard was something of a fixture at the Playhouse. As he waited for Penny, he often wandered around backstage, chatting with Seth or Audrey or one of the other actors he'd gotten to know. George was particularly friendly. Leonard could tell that everyone in the cast and crew loved Penny, and was secretly pulling for the couple to get back together. But they were all very discreet. He imagined Audrey giving them all marching orders about not putting too much pressure on him.

After the following Saturday's performance, another one where George filled in for Diane, George buttonholed Leonard as he was standing idly outside Penny's dressing room. The older man pulled Leonard into his office.

"Leonard, I want to talk to you," he began. "I guess you can see that Penny's career is going to take off now. She's got tremendous potential. You know that, don't you?"

Leonard shrugged, "Well, I don't know much about the theater, but I guess I can see that she's making a name for herself."

"That's an understatement. Nobody, I mean nobody, gets notices like that in the _New York Times_ for their first stage appearance. She's going to be a phenomenon, I'm convinced of it. Anyway, at this stage in a career, it's really important to make good decisions." He continued, in a more somber tone. "I know that you and Penny are going through some rough times now, and I don't want to interfere. But we all hope you're able to work it out. And no matter what, I know you want the best for her."

"Of course!"

"Well, the point I want to get across is that the next several jobs she takes on are going to have a big impact on her future. So you two should think very hard about what you're going to be willing to do. I'm sure there are lots of opportunities; you need to focus on what will build her brand and her experience. Don't let yourselves be seduced into taking the first, or most lucrative, jobs that come along."

Leonard was listening intently. "That seems like good advice. My problem is that I know so little about the business. And, to be honest, I don't think Penny knows much more. What should I do?"

George smiled. "Well, here are a couple of suggestions. First, you should start reading the industry publications, the trades." He took a piece of paper and wrote quickly on it. "These are three of the most important ones. Start reading them. But the other thing is that I want you to feel completely free to talk to me, or to Diane, for advice. We both like you two, and want to see Penny succeed. We've got a lot of experience in film, and I think we can be helpful. We want to be helpful."

"That's very kind of you, George," Leonard said gratefully. "I'm sure we'll take you up on the offer, because I'm sure we'll need the advice."

George sat back now, looking a little more pensive. "Great. And…I hope you won't mind if I give you some more advice. Not advice, exactly, just an observation." He paused, for effect. " _There's nothing in the world like the love of a good woman._ A cliché, maybe; but some clichés are true."

Leonard nodded. "I understand."

George stood up, and looked very intently at Leonard. "Please keep that in mind as you and Penny try to work through your problems. I'm not trying to meddle, but I want you two to be happy. And I think you can be. Together."

"I appreciate that, George. And I'll keep it in mind."

Penny had spent most of the week thinking about what she had learned from the sessions with doctors Gallo and Stevens, and from the emotional conversation with Leonard the weekend before. She was reminded of Audrey's suggestion, about trying to think like him, trying to get inside his head.

Penny knew she couldn't do much about the recurrence of the images in Leonard's mind of her with another man. She imagined she would just have to wait for time to allow them to fade. But now she understood a new set of issues, about whether in fact she could be committed to Leonard when she was realizing success in her chosen career. Now she understood why all her friends – Audrey, Bernadette, Diane – had been so insistent about asking, directly or indirectly, whether she really wanted to get back together with Leonard.

Add to this how her cheating must have affected Leonard, whose self-confidence was weak in the best of times. Penny's own thinking was clear: she had horribly violated a moral code, one she believed in. She was so ashamed of what she had done, and how poorly it reflected on her, that she could not even face her friends. But to Leonard, what had happened was likely to have quite a different meaning: it was a frontal assault on his attempts to believe that he mattered both to himself and to others.

It wasn't just that she'd cheated on him; it was that she'd cheated on him with exactly the kind of person Leonard was afraid he could never measure up to, somebody whose looks, money, and fame embodied everything he had ever imagined her leaving him for.

Penny understood how fragile his self-confidence was in the best of times; and she knew from some of the things he had said to her that it had been further, cruelly, impaired by what she had done. Over the years, she thought he had gotten more sure of himself, and she hoped that she had helped at least a little in this evolution. And then she took it all back in one night. It was so obvious, and so sad….

Now, she understood that the challenge – or at least, one of them – was to convince Leonard that she truly wanted a life with him. But in her mind she could already hear Dr. Gallo. First she had to believe it herself, to be sure that this was in fact the life she wanted, and that it would be with Leonard.

This was the only the second weekend of the new living arrangements, and both Penny and Leonard were still nervous about how it would go. They spent Sunday afternoon at the Farmer's Market again, and in the evening Penny brought up a new recipe. They'd shopped for the makings, and now they were doing the prep work. There was lots of cutting. As they stood in Leonard's kitchen slicing and dicing, Penny asked him, as nonchalantly as she could, "Where does your sister live?"

"Hayley? Morningside Heights, above the Upper West Side. Columbia has really nice apartments for faculty."

"With her kids? In an apartment?"

"Sure. It's New York, that's what people do. Plus, I think it's a really big apartment."

"Where's the Upper West Side?"

"South of Columbia, in upper Manhattan," he explained, but this just confused Penny.

"Is it near Times Square?"

He smiled, now getting the point. "Not far. It's maybe twenty minutes on the Broadway Local."

"What's that?"

"It's a subway line. It goes from Columbia downtown."

She thought. "I've never been on a subway."

"It's not exactly glamorous."

She was silent. He looked at her knowingly. "Penny, I told you when you signed. If the play goes to New York, I'll go with you. That still stands, whether we're together or not."

He saw the mixture of emotions on her face, and added quietly, "I'm just trying to be realistic. But I meant what I said. I'll go with you, no matter what. We have a baby together, and we're going to take care of it together. I promise."

She shook her head. "You always know what I'm thinking, don't you?"

"Not always." That gave him an opening to ask something he wanted to hear about. "Like, what do you think about when you think about us, about a future together?"

She smiled. "A house. With a yard. And two kids." She looked at him, a little sadly. "What about you, what do you think about when you think about us?"

"Something like that, I guess. Mostly, though, I try to not to think about…." And he trailed off, not wanting to finish.

She understood immediately, and felt herself choking up. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry you still have those thoughts."

They were quiet again. She busied herself chopping, and tried to change the subject. "Did you go to New York a lot when you were a kid?

"Sure. I grew up in the suburbs, after all. We went in to go to museums and things."

"Did you ever go to Broadway?"

"Yes," as he struggled to remember details. "We had a couple of high school class trips. And then when my aunt and uncle were in town we went to shows. And then I went in a few times from Princeton, when I was in school."

"Wow," she said, softly. "What was it like, Broadway?"

He looked at her, bemused. Sometimes he forgot that all she really knew was Nebraska and Los Angeles. She might be on the road to the life of glamorous actor, but in truth she was an innocent in many ways. Now he was enjoying the feeling of being the sophisticate.

"Well, it was a while ago, but I remember. The theaters are big, a lot bigger than the Playhouse. And they're old, they have statues and paintings on the walls and ceilings. And I think people really know a lot. At least I always felt like the audiences were full of people who knew theater."

She was quiet again. "And what is riding a subway like?"

He laughed, and she looked hurt. "Sorry, sorry. It's just sort of strange question, to me. It would be like asking what it's like to drive on a freeway or walk on a sidewalk. Anyway, you have a card and you put the card in the entrance and go in. Then there are lots of signs. It's hard to follow them, and people in New York are always in a hurry and they move so fast. I got lost a lot. There are a lot of trains and lots of different lines; it's confusing. The trains are noisy, and usually crowded. But it's pretty exciting. So many different kinds of people..."

She nodded along. "Would you show me New York, if we go?"

"Of course. I don't know it that well, but I'll do what I can."

Leonard could see the wheels turning in Penny's mind. "Is Hayley nice? Do you like her?"

Leonard shrugged a little. "She's seven years older, so she left the house when I was 11. But I always liked her. I've only seen her a few times since I moved out here."

"Is she like your mother?"

Leonard laughed, "No, no. Michael tended to take Mother's side, but Hayley was always at odds with her. I think that's why she moved out and never really came back."

"But," Penny persisted, "would we spend time with her if we go? Could we? Would you want to?"

Leonard said, "I think so. It would be nice to have some family there. I'd like to try to get to know Hayley better now, though. If we do go to New York."

Leonard felt the wheels turn a little more. He knew Penny well enough to know that something was going on in her mind. He wasn't sure what it was, but it seemed she was searching for answers to some set of questions. It reminded him of a slot machine, with the apples and bars and cherries whirling as they tried to settle somewhere. And as this conversation wound down and Penny looked satisfied, he could sense one cherry falling into place with a click.

They continued chopping. After another minute she stopped and looked at him, a little sadly. "You didn't really have a happy family, did you?"

"Well, you know what Tolstoy said," Leonard sighed.

Penny eyed him sideways. "You know very well I have no idea what Tolstoy said."

"Sorry, pedantic. Anyway, he said, "Every happy family is alike, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.""

After a pause she said, with great certainty, "That's bullshit. Every happy family is not alike. There are lots of different kinds of happy families."

Leonard grinned. "Yeah, what did Tolstoy know?" as she gave him a dirty look. "Seriously, how do you think of yourself in a happy family?"

She looked at him, then off across the room and out the window. "Like I said, a house, with a yard. Two kids. I don't know, maybe three. And making sure we have time to see them grow, no matter what. Being there to tuck the children in at night, and to watch over them while they sleep. Helping them with their homework. Feeling proud when my son, or daughter, scores a goal."

Leonard laughed, "Penny, even I know it's called a touchdown, and girls don't play football."

Penny scolded him, "It's soccer. They all play soccer now. I wouldn't let my son play football. Because of the concussions, you know."

Leonard was looking at her now. Her eyes were shining, as she asked him, "You wouldn't let your son play football, would you? Because of the concussions?" She looked at him seriously.

"No, I guess not," Leonard said, not really certain what the issue was, but quite sure of the right answer.

She smiled happily. "Of course not. I knew you wouldn't." And Leonard felt the second cherry fall into place with a click.

They finished the prep work, and Penny busied herself getting the casserole ready for the oven. They put it in, and sat on the couch, relaxing.

"Leonard," Penny said, and he heard the seriousness in her voice. "I have a favor to ask you. But I'm not even going to ask unless you promise to tell me honestly whether it's too much."

"I promise," he said. "And I know you can tell when I'm lying, so it's iron-clad."

"Good. So, you know I have a publicist now, and of course my agent. And the offers are really starting to come in. It's a little overwhelming, and there are lots of decisions to be made. Choices, about what roles to take, and where, and when. And, you know, choices have consequences."

"I can imagine it's pretty confusing," Leonard said, sympathetically.

"It is. George and Diane have given me some advice, and Audrey too. But they don't really know my priorities. So I was wondering if you would be willing to go with me to meet with the publicist and my agent to talk about priorities, and strategies."

Leonard was touched. "Penny, I'd be honored. But don't expect me to be much help, I really don't know the industry at all, other than what you've told me."

"Leonard, you know me, and my priorities. That's what matters."

"OK. But tell me, what are your priorities?"

"No. You tell me what you think they are," Penny said.

Leonard pondered the issue for a minute. "To take on roles that you think you can do well. Roles that you think you can be proud of, parts that challenge you as an actor. And to make sure that you have time for your child, for your… family," he said, looking down.

Penny looked at him as he raised his eyes, and he saw with a pang the longing in her eyes. "I hope it's our family, my love," she said softly. "And those are perfect. Just perfect. So you'll come with me, then."

Leonard sensed the third cherry click into place.

Dinner was ready soon, and they talked quietly as they ate. After a bit, Penny mustered up the courage to broach another subject that was important to her.

"How's your work going, Leonard?" she asked, trying to sound casual.

"Really well, actually," he said. "You know, we're working on a couple of very promising extensions to the first paper. Sheldon's really enthusiastic about them, and I guess I am too. Another few weeks and I think we'll be ready to circulate them. It's exciting, you know. I feel like I'm back in the saddle."

"Well, I have trouble picturing you in a saddle, but all right. And how about those people in Tokyo?" again, trying to make it as casual as she could.

He looked a little guilty. "I guess I've been putting that off. I know it's a big deal. It just seems like a lot to handle right now: the preparations, the commitments. So I've been procrastinating."

"OK, mister. When we finish eating I'll clean up, and you're going to get out your laptop and write to them."

After dinner, Penny watched carefully and made sure that Leonard sat down on the couch with his laptop and began drafting a message to the group in Japan.

As Leonard finished his email to the Tokyo team, he looked up. Penny had finished washing the dishes and was standing in the kitchen area, leaning back against the counter with a dishtowel in her hand, looking at Leonard and smiling broadly.

He could practically hear the whir of the slot machine as the fourth cherry came to a stop with a soft click.

Jackpot.


	21. Hands on

21\. Hands on

The next day, Penny had another intense session with Dr. Gallo, continuing to work on her feelings about acting, a family, and Leonard. She shopped to pick up some things for Monday dinner, then spent the rest of the day lazing around Leonard's apartment while he was at work. She did have one important undertaking. She had noticed sadly that there were no pictures in Leonard's apartment. Hers was full of photos of him, and of them as a couple, and she treasured them. Her favorite was a picture of the two of them standing by the car he had bought for her, which she had framed and labeled "Best Fiancé Ever." Penny had had many a good cry over that picture. But Leonard' apartment had no photographs.

Penny knew it would not be appropriate for her to force pictures of herself, or of the two of them together, on Leonard. But she did have a room of her own there, and she thought it was reasonable for her to have a picture of him by her bed. So she had selected one of her favorites, a photograph she had taken of him in his lab. In this picture, Leonard had a look she had known so well, a soft gaze full of love. While out shopping, she picked up a simple frame. Back at his apartment, she framed the photo and placed it by her bed.

When Leonard got back from work, the first thing he told her was that he had thought about it, and that he was willing to have brunch or dinner with Audrey and Jordan some Sunday. Penny was overjoyed, although she tried to hide it. This meant that he was willing to do things more or less as a couple. It seemed a step forward.

Given the progress, at their truth session that evening, Penny ventured to ask a question the answer to which she felt she needed.

She lay back on the pillow and looked up at the ceiling. "How long do you think it might take for you to get beyond those terrible thoughts?"

"I don't know," Leonard answered. "How long did it take you?"

"What do you mean?"

Leonard gritted his teeth. "Don't you remember our wedding night?"

"Sure. Oooh," she said, recalling now what he had in mind.

"Right. Our first kiss, remember? You couldn't kiss me, because you kept thinking about me kissing Mandy Chao. And that was a 30 second kiss two years earlier, before we were even engaged. How long did it take before you could kiss me without thinking about that?" There was an unaccustomed belligerence to Leonard's tone that told Penny she had pushed too hard. But it was too late to turn back.

"I don't know," she said helplessly, "maybe a couple of weeks."

"Okay, a couple of weeks for a 30-second kiss two years earlier. How do you think that compares to an amazing night fucking the world's leading sex symbol, when I'm out of town for a couple of days?" The bitterness had returned.

Penny was quiet, realizing that she had expected too much, too soon. "I don't remember it, and I don't want to remember it. But I don't think it was amazing. The most amazing sex I've ever had in my life is with you. I wish you would believe that. I wish you could believe it."

"I wish I could believe it, too," said Leonard, still bristling. "But since you don't remember, we don't really know. Anyway, you see my point. If it took you a couple of weeks to get over that kiss, it could take me a couple of years, or a few years, or maybe a lifetime, to get over the thoughts that haunt me now. Maybe I never will. I can't tell you for sure. Because I don't know."

Penny could not think of how to respond. But it was a truth session, after all, so she just told the truth. "Leonard, I feel helpless. I wish I knew what I could do. But I don't. I'm not going to give up hoping, and I'm not going to give up trying. I love you. And I understand that you're trying very hard. And I love you even more for that. But I don't know what to do."

Leonard's voice was a little softer now. "I know, Penny. But sometimes the anger just takes over. I promise, I'll keep trying, too."

The two of them lay there, not saying anything. Penny watched the shadows on the ceiling, as the combination of moonlight and streetlights filtered through the patio door and flickered above her. The shifting patterns seemed ominous to her, a sign of a dark and uncertain future. Her hopes of progress seemed foolish now, with Leonard saying he might never get over what happened. She contemplated where they might be headed. Her parents would be devastated if they divorced, she knew that. She might never have the courage to face their friends again. She would not be able to share her success with the man who had cheered her on for ten years. And their child would grow up shuttling back and forth between two homes. As she watched the play of light and dark on the ceiling, she felt herself get more and more discouraged about the future.

After ten minutes, Penny felt Leonard reach for her. He found her hand and took it gently in his own. It was, she thought to herself, the first time he had held her hand in a long time. And she was so grateful. He stroked her wrist gently with his thumb, and somehow this tiny gesture gave her hope. They stayed like that for another half hour, side by side, hand in hand, united in their loneliness.

* * *

After Penny left that evening, and for the remainder of the week, Leonard continued to puzzle over exactly what he was feeling. As the ups and downs of the previous weekend indicated, it was complicated. On the one hand, he sensed a coming together. Penny certainly was making a major effort. She wanted their situation settled, and it was clear how she wanted it settled. And it would, after all, be a relief to be reunited with the love of his life. Even the prospect of going to her friend's house, more or less as a couple, seemed pleasantly familiar.

On the other hand, there had been no real clarification of _why_ Penny had thrown their lives into chaos, why she had acted with so little apparent concern for him, and how to be sure it would not happen again. She had even pressed him on how long it would take to get over her infidelity, as if it were somehow his responsibility to move on. This had infuriated him.

For now, her behavior was heavily colored by the fact that she was consumed with guilt and shame. But guilt could fade and shame could pass, and then where would he be? Left open for another round of betrayal, pain, and suffering? There was no way he was going to waltz casually back into their marriage without some reassurance that she was truly committed to him.

Leonard still needed to understand what had happened and why. Just as important, perhaps, he needed some indication that Penny herself understood what had gone wrong and how she intended to deal with it. No guarantees, of course – life was like that. But he needed to be able to believe that she was willing to take him, his feelings, and his needs seriously into account.

* * *

Penny's life at the Playhouse was going smoothly now. Call was pushed back to 1 PM for matinees and 4 PM for evenings, and even those weren't that strictly enforced. The run was headed toward its end, with less than a month to go.

There were some exciting developments. Diane called the principals together for a more formal meeting, giving them details about New York. Backing was in place for an opening in spring 2018, well over a year away. But they should, she said, start thinking about their schedules, living arrangements, and the like. The show was likely to go into rehearsals in February and open late in March.

The following Saturday evening, in the car back to Pasadena, Penny reported to Leonard about the firming up of plans for a move to New York. Leonard was silent, clearly thinking about something. Penny, well aware that despite the headway they had made, the previous weekend had ended on a sour note, refrained from asking what was on his mind.

When they arrived at his apartment, though, Leonard asked Penny to sit down for a talk. "I've been waiting to tell you this until I had a little more information. But it seems like plans for the show to go to Broadway are moving forward, so I think I should tell you now. A couple of things, about New York. I called Hayley after you brought it up. And we've been talking on the phone a lot since then. I'm glad you mentioned it, Penny; I've really had a chance to reconnect with her."

Penny smiled. "Is she nice? Do you think she'll like me?"

"She seems very nice. It's amazing how we've been out of touch for years, and yet after a few conversations I feel like I've known her so well, for so long."

"Well, you did grow up together."

"Yes," Leonard said, "but she was a lot older; and you have no idea how miserable that household was. Anyway, she's given me lots of great ideas about New York. And one of them was to contact my adviser from Princeton, who's now at Columbia."

"That's so cool. Did he have any ideas for you?"

"More than ideas," Leonard said. "He actually said he had been wanting to talk to me, because he's been following the work I've been doing. He wants to invite me to go there as the Pupin Visiting Professor. That's a visiting position, for one year; it's very prestigious. I was really flattered. I guess this work has started to make its mark."

"Oh, Leonard," Penny said, overcome with pride. "I'm so happy for you. See, getting back to work was the right thing to do!"

"You were right. And it looks like the Tokyo symposium might happen. But about Columbia. This is a one-year visiting professorship, and it would be a great deal. I only have to teach one graduate seminar and run a workshop; they give me a full lab, and they'll pay me a lot more than what I earn at Caltech."

"Leonard, that's incredible. I'm so proud of you." She wanted to hold him so badly, but she knew it probably wasn't yet the right time.

"There's a catch," Leonard said, very seriously now. "I would have to go for the full academic year, from August 1 to July 31. I know that doesn't really fit our plans, so I wanted to discuss it with you."

Penny was silent, thinking rapidly to herself, so he continued.

"Columbia has great housing for faculty, and I would be eligible for the year. Hayley herself lives in one of their apartments. They're big, and they rent them to faculty for half or less of the market rate. So we could have a large apartment, big enough for each of us to have separate bedrooms. Or, you could have your own place, if you wanted."

Penny was getting confused.

"I guess what I'm saying is that we could move to New York together in July or August and spend the school year there. I know this isn't really what you were thinking, but I hope you'll at least consider it. There's plenty of TV and film work in New York, I think, so you could probably line up work if and when you decide to go back to it."

Leonard looked at Penny now with an expression she didn't really recognize. He continued. "Also, Hayley knows all about nannies and baby sitters and other things. She says it would be easy to arrange things for the baby. We have to think about that, you know."

Penny took a deep breath. "Of course. That's a lot to absorb, sweetheart. It sounds like a fantastic opportunity for you, and I don't want to stand in the way. And I wasn't really planning on working for a few months after the baby comes, so whether I was here or in New York wouldn't much matter. And your sister seems to have a lot of good ideas. Can we talk more about it over the next few days, just so I can get my mind around it?"

"Of course, of course," Leonard said hastily. "I didn't mean we have to make a decision right now. Actually, there is one decision. They want me to fly out to visit them in January. Sort of an introductory trip, for me to see the lab and meet the team, maybe to look at apartments. We could look into child care and other things for the baby. And Hayley's offered to put me up. She said her older kids could share a room while I'm there."

"Sounds good. So what's the decision?"

Leonard looked at her. "Would you come with me? If you're not comfortable staying with me at Hayley's, we could book a hotel. But I would really like you to see the place so you can figure out if you're willing to do it. I wouldn't accept this position if you weren't willing to come with me. So I think a visit there might help you make an informed decision. And I need to tell them now about visiting in January so they can set it up."

Penny stared at Leonard. "All right. It's just a lot to take in at once. But let's definitely plan on visiting in January, if you need to decide that now."

Leonard smiled happily. "Great!" And he started to get up.

Penny stopped him, pulling him back down by the arm. "Leonard," she said, imploringly. He stopped and sat down, startled.

"I hope by then we'll be able to stay together, at Hayley's," she said. "And I hope that when we move there, we can live together, as husband and wife. I hope that more than anything. I just want you to know. So you don't think I've given up. I'm not going to give up, unless you tell me it's hopeless. Maybe not even then."

She looked so forlorn, so lost and lonely, that Leonard thought his heart would break. He took Penny's hand. And she noted to herself that this was the second time in a week he had done so. But now he pulled her to himself and wrapped her in a tentative embrace. They sat like that for several minutes, then he pulled away to look at her.

"I've been wanting to do that for a while, Penny. I do love you, you know. But there are still those demons inside me."

"They're not demons inside you, my love. They're the pain _I_ caused you."

"Whatever. They're still there. But I wanted you to know that just now, when I was holding you, all I was thinking about was the two of us." And he got up and headed to his bedroom.

Penny looked after him with love and longing. She headed to her own bedroom, lost in a cloud of relief and joy.

* * *

The next day was their brunch with Audrey and Jordan. In the car to Santa Monica, they continued to talk about New York. Leonard explained the details of the visiting position, the housing arrangements, what Hayley had told him about nannies, child care, and the like. Penny was warming to the idea quickly.

Audrey had prepared a simple brunch for the four of them. Leonard knew Audrey, of course, and had met Jordan a couple of times at the theater, but now he had an opportunity to talk more with both of them, and to see them in action as a couple. Penny had told him a lot about how she admired their relationship, and Leonard saw why. They had an easy rapport, and a palpable comfort with one another. Jordan was a quiet, almost shy, man, much the opposite of Audrey in personality, and yet it was clear that Audrey had a finely tuned understanding of him.

After brunch, Audrey turned to Penny and Leonard, looking more serious now. "Guys, we have a couple of things to tell you. Good news, and maybe not such good news."

Penny and Leonard looked at each other, then at Audrey.

"The good news," Audrey said quietly, "is that Jordan and I are getting married."

Penny jumped up and ran to hug Audrey, while Leonard offered his congratulations.

Audrey had Penny sit down again. "Not done, kid. We want a small ceremony here in Santa Monica. And I wanted to see if you would be my maid of honor. It will be simple, since it's a second for both of us." She glanced at Leonard to see if he knew the secret of their prior marriage. He showed no signs of surprise.

"I'd be honored," Penny said, moved by the request. "So why was that not such good news?"

Audrey laughed. "No, that wasn't it. The not so good news is actually very good, but it might be a little sad for us. Jordan?"

Jordan explained, "I've been offered a role in a Lincoln Center revival of _Carousel_ , as Enoch Snow."

"That's fantastic, Jordan," Penny exclaimed.

Leonard nodded along. "That's a wonderful tenor role. And the Lincoln Center productions are supposed to be spectacular. Congratulations!"

Penny looked at Leonard wide-eyed. Leonard laughed. "Hey, I've been studying up. I figure if I'm going to be a theater spouse, I'd better learn the ropes."

"Anyway," Jordan continued, "I think what Audrey was getting at about it being not such good news is that rehearsals begin in June for a September opening, so we'll be moving to New York then."

"So I guess our house-hunting will have to be on hold for a while. Anyway, I'll really miss you, honey," Audrey said to Penny. "But you'll be there next February for _After the Fall_ , won't you? And I'll at least get to meet your baby before we leave."

Penny looked at Leonard, who raised his eyebrows. She made her decision. "Well, I think that's unacceptable. So, Leonard, what do you say we move to New York over the summer?"

Jordan and Audrey looked at her as if she were crazy. Penny and Leonard both broke up laughing, and explained the situation. After they finished celebrating, they started planning excitedly for the move. Audrey, of course, was from New York, and Leonard knew it a bit, so Jordan and Penny soaked up everything they could about the city that would be their home for a year.

As they headed home in the car, Penny said to Leonard, "You should play poker. I don't think Audrey had any idea you knew about her and Jordan being married before."

"Well, I learned acting from a pro," Leonard said. "And thanks for making up your mind about New York so quickly. I think it will be a good experience for all of us."

* * *

That evening, settling in after a light dinner, Penny asked Leonard to sit with her. "Leonard, there's something I need to talk with you about."

Leonard looked at her, a bit fearfully.

She pursed her lips. "I've been holding my parents off since the opening. I sent them the reviews and everything, but I've been telling them that with all the excitement it wasn't good for them to come see the show yet. I really can't postpone it any longer. We're closing in a less than a month, and they need to make travel plans."

"Great! I'd love to see them," Leonard said. "I've never met your mother. Wait, have you told them that you're pregnant?"

Penny shook her head no. "I've sort of been ducking everything. It gets worse," she said shakily. "They don't know what's going on with us. I never had the courage to tell them." She was starting to get teary-eyed.

Leonard looked at her sympathetically. "I guess I understand. But don't you think it might be helpful for you to talk to them about it? They're reasonable people, they'll understand that couples have problems."

Penny shook her head. "I couldn't talk to them about it without either telling them what I did, or them figuring it out. You don't know, Leonard, I can't lie to my parents, I just can't. And I couldn't face them. With my parents it would be a thousand times worse than with your friends. You can't imagine how guilty and humiliated I'd feel. I just can't…." She was getting increasingly distraught just contemplating it.

"All right, all right, Penny. I get it. Once things are clearer, then either you tell them, or you don't. But what's the...Oh," he said, realizing the issue.

"Yeah. So. I really hate to ask it, but would you be willing to pretend we're still together? We can put them up at a hotel in Westwood near the theater, and meet them there so they wouldn't see the living arrangements. They could only stay for a weekend anyway, they're very busy with the farm."

Leonard looked off for a moment. "Sure. After all, it's not a lie that we're married. And we are together, in a way, right? Believe me, Penny, I understand and I can do this. I know it's important to you."

"Thank you, Leonard, thank you so much. I've been nervous about this for weeks but I've been afraid to bring it up because…well, because it's a lot to ask. And because I still feel guilty about that time I made you pretend to be my boyfriend when my Dad visited."

Leonard smiled grimly. "History repeats itself, I guess."

Penny looked at him seriously. "I hope it does, my love." He looked puzzled, then caught her drift.

"Strange, isn't it? Back then, I was aching for us to be back together; now it'll be the other way around."

"Justice, I suppose," she murmured. "I'm so sorry, Leonard."

"Sorry for what?"

"Sorry for everything. For making you pretend that time; it must have been so painful for you. For hurting you so many times, breaking up with you and rejecting you and not being sure about us. I can't believe you're still willing to give me another chance. I can't believe how lucky I was to find you," and now she was crying on the couch, trying to hide it but unsuccessfully.

For the second time in two days, Leonard slid over and embraced Penny, holding her as her body shook. He stroked her hair, and the memories that aroused just made her cry more desperately. After a few minutes she was calmer.

"Thank you," she whispered. "Leonard, can I tell you a secret?" she said, sliding away a little.

He nodded.

"I've had trouble going to sleep ever since all this happened. But a few weeks ago I started trying to calm my nerves enough to sleep by thinking of scenes of us together when I go to bed. So every night I imagine our lives together. We're walking through the streets of New York, hand in hand, with a little baby in a carrier. We're in a house here, with two small children running around. We're having a romantic dinner on our anniversary. Just us living our lives together. And it makes me so happy, and it calms me so I can get to sleep."

"That's very sweet. And I'm glad you're sleeping better." He looked at Penny. The pain and pleading in her eyes was so searing that Leonard could think of little else. And as he touched her cheek gently, he realized that for the first time in a long time, he too was thinking of them together. Once more, like the night before, just the two of them.

"Those sound like wonderful dreams. I hope they come true," he said quietly, standing up slowly to leave her to her thoughts.

As he walked to his bedroom, he said, "Just let me know when your parents are coming."


	22. Visiting

22\. Visiting

Penny's parents were so excited about the invitation that they arranged to come to Los Angeles the following weekend. Penny and Leonard scrambled over the course of the week to put together a schedule and arrangements that would both suit her parents, and help them maintain appearances. Penny reserved a room for them at the Tides Inn in Santa Monica, and got them tickets for both the Saturday matinee and evening performances.

Friday late afternoon Leonard picked the Nebraskans up at the airport and brought them to the hotel. The three of them had dinner together and then drove over to visit with Penny after the evening performance. They crowded into her dressing room as hugs were exchanged and tears were shed. But it was late, especially for the older couple, and the visit had to be short. So they piled into Leonard's car to head to their hotel, men in the front, women in the back. Even as they walked to the car, Leonard could sense Penny's anxiety. He tried to take up some of the conversational slack.

"Wait until you see the performance tomorrow. Penny's so wonderful!"

The couple expressed their enthusiasm and support, but almost immediately Penny's mother turned to her daughter. "You look so tired, Penny. Have you been sick?"

"No, Mom," Penny hurried to insist, "but it's pretty exhausting."

Leonard added quickly, "You'll see tomorrow. Penny's role is draining. And this is the end of the week. She gets to rest Sundays and Mondays."

They arrived at the Tides Inn and walked the older couple to their room, saying goodbye. Leonard made plans with Penny's parents to gather them the next morning to show them around Santa Monica before they headed to the theater for the matinee.

"Do you think they suspect anything?" Penny asked nervously, after they had dropped her parents at the hotel and were headed back to Pasadena.

"I don't think so, Penny. But you need to try to calm down or they _will_ start to worry. Use your acting skills."

"This is different, Leonard, it's my parents. I'm so worried, I just think parents can tell." As they got closer to Pasadena, Penny asked Leonard, for more than the first time that week, "Are you sure you don't mind me staying over tonight? It's not too much?"

"It's fine, Penny."

When they arrived at Leonard's apartment, he had her sit on the couch so he could try again. "Don't you think it would be better just to talk to them, Penny? They're your parents. They love you, and they'll accept you no matter what."

Penny practically jumped up. "No! No, Leonard, no. You don't understand, I can't tell them!"

"But why not? You're human, you're allowed to make mistakes."

"No!" Penny was frantic now. "You don't get it, you can't understand. I was always in trouble when I was a teenager, always a mess. But then I came out here, and after I while I was the successful one. A great husband. A good job. And then the play came along and I had even made it as an actor. They were all so proud of me. I wasn't the dumb failure anymore. If I tell them what I did, and how I screwed everything up, I just go back to being a disappointment, a loser, a slut, a cheap -"

"Whoa, whoa!" Leonard stopped her hastily. Penny was on the verge of hysteria. "That's enough. You're none of those things, and you never were. Penny, they're your parents, not a couple of high school kids. I'm sure they would understand. But I also get that you're not ready to talk to them about it. That's fine. Just try to calm down and enjoy their company."

Penny was still practically hyperventilating. Leonard took her hand. "Penny, you're working yourself into a state. Try to cool off. Maybe some of your yoga relaxation exercises."

Penny nodded and headed to her room as Leonard looked after her, worried. Part of him was almost gloating to see her ego knocked down to size: perhaps now she would understand what it was like to be him. But Leonard's better nature quickly kicked in, and he chided himself for being so ungenerous. The whole thing left him bewildered, though: he realized that he was only now starting to get a feel for how Penny had been affected by her own actions.

He knew that her guilt was overwhelming, but it seemed even to have eroded her belief in herself. To think that her parents would somehow desert her if they knew she had strayed – that was absurd. And yet, at the very prospect of her parents finding out, Penny had come completely undone. It made Leonard sad to see her so panic-stricken, but it gave him some sense of how terrible she must have been feeling about herself.

The next day, after the tour of Santa Monica and the Saturday matinee, Leonard brought Penny's parents to her dressing room.

"So, what did you think?" she asked anxiously.

"Oh, honey, you were wonderful," her mother said, as her father nodded his head. "The whole play was wonderful. So sad, though."

Wyatt concurred. "But," he added hesitantly, "don't you get cold at the end? Don't you think you could put on some more clothes?"

Penny grinned at her father's reaction to the skimpy negligée she wore in the last, climactic, scene. "Oh, Daddy, don't be such a prude. It's important; it shows how desperate Maggie is, how close she is to the edge."

She apologized, but they had another show in just over an hour, so Leonard brought her parents out and they had a quick dinner in Westwood. After the evening performance, they dropped the older couple at their hotel and headed back to Pasadena, having arranged to meet for brunch the next morning before the flight back to Nebraska.

In the car back to Pasadena, Penny was very quiet. After a half-hour, she sighed deeply. "They know, Leonard. They can tell. I knew it. They may not know what's wrong, exactly, but they know something's up."

"All right. But that only means they know there's something going on between us. That doesn't mean they know anything more. So how do you want to handle it?"

"I suppose if they ask," Penny said uneasily, "we can say that we've had some ups and downs, some problems, and we're trying to work them out. Seeing a couple's therapist. That's the truth, right? So it's not lying. I couldn't lie to them."

Leonard agreed, and they continued on home. But in the car and later in the apartment, he could tell that Penny was terrified about seeing her parents the next day. He tried to talk her out of her fear, but to little avail. And again he was taken aback. This was not the self-confident, secure woman he knew. Penny seemed timid and frightened, consumed with guilt and shame for the damage she had done to their marriage. Despite himself, Leonard could not help feeling sorry for her.

They picked Penny's parents up the next morning and walked down to Venice Beach, enjoying the sunny day. At Muscle Beach, Penny and her mother watched the body-builders, wide-eyed. To Leonard's relief, Penny seemed more relaxed. And they had news for her parents that might divert their attention from Penny's edginess.

Eventually they sat at a café outdoors for brunch. Penny's parents were still gushing about the play. "Your mother ordered ten copies of the _LA Times_ when the review first came out," her father said. "We wanted to show everybody back there how our little girl took the big city by storm."

Penny laughed. "You know, they've got this thing called the Internet. You didn't need to buy all those papers."

Leonard interrupted. "Don't listen to her. She bought three copies of the paper herself. There's something different about seeing it in print."

Penny went on, raising a topic that she and Leonard had agreed they had to broach. "Mom, Dad, Leonard and I have something exciting to tell you."

"More exciting than the play?" her mother asked.

"Absolutely," Penny said. "I'm expecting!"

Her parents clapped their hands and congratulated the couple profusely. Once they had calmed down, Wyatt turned to Penny. "You're not going to stay in that little apartment, are you? It's too small for three people, even if one of them is a baby."

Penny shook her head, and Leonard could tell that she was getting nervous again as living arrangements were under discussion. "We'll stay there for the first few months. But that's actually something else we were going to tell you. The play is going to open on Broadway next year, and Leonard got offered a great one-year visiting position at Columbia. So we're planning to move over the summer. We figure we can get a big enough place in New York for the year."

Her parents looked surprised at the news. Her mother seemed particularly puzzled. "You're planning to raise a child in New York City?"

"No, no," Penny rushed to clarify. "It's just for a year, because of the play and Leonard's visiting position. Then we'll move back. I guess we'll have to find something bigger here when we come back to Los Angeles." She glanced at Leonard, who could see that she was getting flustered. He smiled and took her hand in his, trying to relax her.

"I think it will be fine," Leonard explained to the parents, attempting his most reassuring tone. "Columbia has very nice apartments for faculty, and my sister lives there, so I'm sure we'll be able to arrange everything. And as for where we'll live in LA, I suppose we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. It's a year and a half away, after all."

Penny's parents nodded slowly, trying to take in all the news. As they finished brunch, Penny and her mother walked back toward the hotel together, with Wyatt and Leonard behind.

Wyatt slowed Leonard down until they were a good 30 feet behind the women. "Son, what's the matter? Is something wrong? Penny seems so tense, and you don't look too calm yourself."

Leonard exhaled heavily. "We weren't going to say anything, and please don't mention it to Penny or anybody else. She really didn't want you two to worry. But it's been a rough few months, and there's been some friction between us. We're working on it, with a therapist, and we are optimistic. But it's been a little difficult."

Wyatt nodded sagely. "Marriage is hard, son. And, Lord knows, Penny can be difficult. I just hope you'll both be patient with each other. Because I think you two are wonderful together. I've thought that from the time I met you. And I still think it."

"Thank you, sir," Leonard said. "I certainly hope we get past this. And, as I say, we're optimistic."

* * *

The run of _After the Fall_ was drawing to a close, with only a few weeks left. Penny sensed that many of the cast members were already preparing for, or looking for, new opportunities after the play closed in mid-December. And after the next Saturday performance, Penny returned to her dressing room to find another note from Diane on her door, asking her to stop by the office. Leonard was already waiting for her, so they walked over together. Penny knocked on the door and they peeked in.

"Come, in, Penny," Diane said cheerfully. Then she saw Leonard. "You too, Leonard."

The two entered and saw that in addition to Diane there was another man in the room. Diane gestured to him and said, "This is Sam Rubin, in from New York. Sam, this is Penelope Hofstadter and her husband, Leonard."

After exchanging pleasantries, Diane had everyone sit down. "Penny, Sam has a proposition for you. I hope you'll consider it carefully."

Rubin spoke. "Brilliant performance, Ms. Hofstadter -"

"Penny, please," Penny said, smiling.

"All right. Anyway, Penny, that was a truly brilliant performance. I'm a producer." Penny and Leonard looked at each other, smiling. Everybody in the industry knew Sam Rubin, arguably the most powerful producer and studio head in Hollywood, and a major force on Broadway as well.

"I've been talking with Diane about a new film. And there's a part that we think you would be really perfect for. I'd like to see if you'd be willing to do some screen tests for it over the next month or so."

Diane chimed in. "I've seen drafts of the script, and it's _really_ good, Penny. And you're my first choice for this part. In fact, at this stage I don't have a second choice. I think you'd be great."

Penny looked at Leonard. "This is very flattering. But, as Diane knows, I'm pregnant, expecting in April. And unless Diane has changed her mind, I was planning to go to New York with _After the Fall_. So I'm not sure whether this would fit into my schedule."

Diane nodded. "We thought about that. You know that I'll be in New York, too. So obviously it can't conflict with that. I think the idea is to get things going now, before we go to New York, and start shooting after our run on Broadway. Listen, it has to fit my schedule, too, and I think mine is pretty similar to yours. Plus, there's no commitment involved now – we just wanted to gauge your interest."

Rubin added, "We could also do some shooting in New York. There's a quality studio in Brooklyn I have part interest in. But it's up to Diane."

Penny looked at Leonard and saw something in his eyes indicating that he had questions. She nodded slightly, and he spoke. "Is it all right if I ask some questions?"

"Of course," Diane said.

"This is for the Stoppard script you've been shopping, isn't it?"

Rubin looked startled, then nodded. "But please keep it to yourselves. This business is very competitive."

"Of course," Leonard answered, then continued. "What's the character type? And is it for lead or supporting?"

Rubin pursed his lips. "Character is smart, very savvy, maybe a little devious or manipulative, but in a clever way."

"Love interest?"

"Lots of guys after her, but she's all business. It's still in development, though, and we might add something. Oh, and as for lead or supporting, not clear. It may depend on who we get, and how the script evolves."

Leonard nodded. "Fair enough. You understand, I'm sure. This is early days for Penny, and she needs to be careful about her brand."

"Of course," Rubin said. "What else could we do to reassure you?"

Leonard had another question. "How firm is the schedule? Penny is making other professional plans, and she'll need some clear notion of your time line if she's going to make an informed decision."

Rubin nodded. "Of course. I'll try to mock up a rough time line in the next couple of days and get it to you."

Leonard continued, "Good. And could you send over some scenes from the script? Just something representative."

Rubin responded, a little uncomfortably. "I can send you some scenes, but you'll have to keep them completely confidential. It's not even close to being finished yet."

Penny watched this exchange wide-eyed. At one point she glanced at Diane, who was observing with a bemused look. They caught each other's eyes, and Diane mouthed to Penny, "Wow." Which was exactly what Penny was feeling.

Leonard seemed done. He glanced at Penny and she felt she could read the look in his eyes.

"I think that Leonard and I will have to take some time to mull this over, if it's all right with you," Penny said, standing up. "Please send everything over, and I'll be back in touch with Diane next week."

They took their leave and started back to her dressing room. Once out of Diane's office, Leonard looked at her anxiously. "Was that all right? I mean, I wasn't sure I should have stepped in, but I didn't want them pushing you into anything."

Penny shushed him, looking at the bustle of cast and crew members around them. "Later."

Once they were back in her dressing room, Penny grabbed Leonard's arm. "That was incredible! Those were exactly the right questions."

"Well, I've got a lot invested in you," Leonard said, dispassionately. "I need to protect my investment."

Penny's face fell at what had to be the least romantic thing Leonard had ever said to her.

Leonard saw her face and laughed. "I'm sorry, I was kidding! I just wanted to help if I could. I'm glad you thought it was all right."

"It was more than all right, Leonard." Penny had been moved by the air of protectiveness she had sensed in her husband. Maybe it was for her, maybe for their child; either way, she was touched by his concern for her future. "But where did you learn all that stuff?"

"I've been studying up, reading things, following the trades. I figured this would be a big part of our lives. Especially after you asked me to go with you to talk to the publicist and the agent. But on the offer," Leonard asked, "what do you think?"

"I don't know. I'll have to see – no, _we'll_ have to see the scenes, and the timing. It seems like a big commitment to make so far in advance."

Leonard nodded. "Lots happening with your life, Penny. And lots of big decisions to make."

Penny felt herself tearing up a little. "I hope you'll be involved, my love. They affect you, too. You know, we'll have a child together by then."

"I know," Leonard said, putting his arm on her shoulder. She shivered slightly at the unaccustomed feeling – he still rarely touched her these days. "I told you I'd be there for you, and for our child, and I promise that I will."

As they walked to the car, Penny eyed Leonard, looking for some sign of what he was feeling. She felt so confused. He had been wonderful with her parents, and dealing with Diane and Sam Rubin; and yet there were bursts of bitter anger, and he often seemed distant and lost in thought. Did he know, really know, what she was feeling about him? Did he really believe her?

In the car heading back to Pasadena, he could feel her eyes on him. "What?" he asked, a little uncomfortable.

"Do you even realize how amazing you are?" she said, shaking her head. "There aren't many men who could deal with what I did, who could be so committed to trying to work things out. With the couple's therapy, and all the talking. Plus, all the support you've given me, despite everything. That, and you're the smartest person I know."

"Sheldon would be outraged," Leonard scoffed.

"Well, I can't say about the science. But look at how you dissected my contract at the beginning, and how you picked up all the theater details, going head to head with Sam Rubin. Not to speak of working with all the emotion, all the instability in our marriage. That takes smarts, too."

"OK, OK," Leonard said, getting a little embarrassed.

"I'm not trying to butter you up. I'm just telling you what I believe. You're amazing, Leonard. You have no idea how much I admire you."

He smiled shyly at her. "Well, thanks. That does make me feel good. Especially considering the source."

"What do you mean?"

"Just that I've spent ten years admiring you," Leonard said, glancing at her. "It's nice to know the feeling's a little mutual."

Penny sighed. "Not a little, Leonard. Way more than a little. More than you can even imagine, I guess."


	23. Bitter truths

23\. Bitter truths

The couple spent a pleasant, uneventful day together Sunday. Penny sensed that Leonard was still conflicted. But she felt that they had been making progress, both in general and with Dr. Stevens. So that evening, she suggested another truth session.

They found the sessions difficult, but agreed they were useful. The two of them would lie on the living room floor, pillows under their heads, sometimes with a blanket if it was cold. Not touching, not looking at each other, but asking each other the tough questions and responding as honestly as they could.

As they settled in that evening, Penny decided she had to ask one of the most difficult of all questions, yet again. "Do you still have those thoughts, Leonard? You know, the ones you mentioned that time?"

She sensed Leonard tense immediately. He was quiet for a moment, then he spoke, his voice thick with pain. "Since you ask, yes. I still have them."

Penny took a deep breath. She had not expected such an instantaneous reaction. It gave her a feel for the depth of his hurt. "I'm so sorry, Leonard. I thought maybe they might have faded."

"Why would they have faded?" Leonard asked, and she was painfully aware of the resentment in his voice.

"It's all right, my love, I understand."

She could feel the slight trembling from two feet away, as his body stiffened in distress. Then he spoke, with barely controlled rage. "No, you don't understand. You can't understand. How could they fade?" And now he was beyond control, lashing out furiously. "How could I not see him fucking you? I know every inch of your body, I know how you respond to every touch, I know what you look like, and feel like, and taste like. That knowledge was ours, it was only ours, our own private world that only we knew. And it was supposed to stay ours, ours alone."

Leonard's voice was breaking; the man was on the verge of tears, tears of anger and frustration. "But now, what I see in my mind is you fucking him. Him on top of you, you on top of him, in and out, in and out, with all the moving parts, if you know what I mean. _In our world. Taking my place._ "

Penny's chest was so tight she had trouble breathing. She could not keep from lifting herself up on her elbow to see Leonard. He sensed that she was looking at him, and turned toward her. She saw the agony in his tormented gaze, and an emotional dam broke inside her. She felt like screaming, like running away, like throwing herself through the sliding-glass patio door.

Leonard looked on in shock as Penny began pounding her pillow with both fists, cursing herself indistinctly but with unmistakable disgust and self-hatred. He was afraid that she might hurt herself, and tried to reach out to her, but she was so agitated and pounding so furiously there was nothing to hold onto. Finally, she collapsed into the pillow, bawling into it, every few seconds letting out a primal scream that, even muffled by the pillow, made Leonard shudder. He didn't know what to do other than let the fury take its course.

After a few minutes she was sobbing more calmly into her pillow. He put his hand on her back, and felt her shrink from him. "Penny, don't pull away. I couldn't take that. Please."

She looked up at him with eyes full of despair and self-loathing. "If that's what you want. But…"

He interrupted her, knowing what she meant. "Of course it's what I want." And he hugged her tight. "Penny, that was unfair of me. I'm sorry. Sometimes the anger just gets the best of me."

She was still sobbing, but she looked at him gratefully. "Don't apologize, don't ever apologize, this is all my fault."

After a few minutes he pulled back to talk to her. "Penny, I want a serious answer."

She nodded.

"Have you ever thought of harming yourself?" She shook her head. "Are you sure?" She nodded.

"I would never do that as long as there's some possibility of being with you," she said. "And now, with the baby."

Relief was evident on his face. "Penny, you have to stop blaming yourself."

"Who should I blame, then?" she said, bitterly.

Leonard wasn't sure how to respond to that, and looked at her, hopeless.

She looked back at him sadly, reaching out for his cheek and stroking it softly. "How can you stand it, my love? How can you bear to touch me, with those thoughts? How do you do it? I couldn't do it. I know that. How can you live with it? With me?"

"Because I want to try to make things work between us. And that includes those thoughts. Over time they _will_ fade; at least I think so."

"I hope so. Because I know if it was me I would be wanting to scratch your face off. As it is, _I_ want to scratch my face off."

He shook his head sadly. "You have to forgive yourself, Penny. I know you. I know that's hard. But cut yourself some slack for a change. You're a wonderful person who made a mistake. Do it for me. Do it for the baby. Do it for us."

"Oh, Leonard. You always know what to say." She snuggled close to him and they remained like that for a while, before they went to their respective rooms.

After Penny was in bed, Leonard stayed up another hour, worried. She hadn't thought of harming herself, she had said, because there was a possibility that they would be together, and because of the baby. But what if that had not been the case? Did that mean she was having suicidal thoughts? She talked as if whatever inclination she might have had in that direction was under control, but how could he be sure? Was there cause for concern? He didn't know. And he didn't know how to find out.

As Leonard worried in his room, Penny lay awake in hers. She was pretty good at it now, thinking about what all this must mean to Leonard. And the result left her devastated. This was a man who had spent his entire life thinking he was undeserving. The early uncertainties of their relationship had probably only reinforced his lack of confidence. But eventually they had gotten engaged, then married, then decided to start a family, and she knew that had helped build up his sense of self-worth. Central to this must have been that she had given him a great gift, one that he practically worshiped, her body. And what extraordinary care he had taken of this gift.

For Leonard was right: he knew every inch of her in exquisite detail. The touch of his fingers, his tongue, could bring her to ecstasy like no man had ever done. She shivered just to think of it. Of her mind blank, her head in a fog as waves of pleasure washed over her, as he brought her to rapture, again and again. Of how he would smile to see her gratified, as she gradually came back to reality, struggling to regain the ability to think and speak coherently. She had been embarrassed, back then, to tell him that it was not what she was used to. That with other men it had almost always been one and done, come and go. Only he, among all her partners, seemed to take as much pleasure in her pleasure as in his own. How she wished she had told him, how she wished he knew this.

And now she was ruined. Every inch of her body was filthy, contaminated by illicit contact with another man. She had disrespected him and everything he had believed about their marriage. When she broke her vows, she broke their bond of trust – and maybe even his spirit.

It was the most horrible thing she could have done, to defile something Leonard had treated with such tenderness and devotion, with such love. It was a betrayal beyond all understanding. How could she have done this to him? Why did she do it to him? What was wrong with her?

Penny clutched her knees, rocking back and forth in bed, moaning softly to herself so as not to alert Leonard to her despair. She tried to think of more pleasant things, to calm herself. Eventually she drifted into a restless sleep.

* * *

That night – actually, early the next morning – Leonard woke up to the sound of Penny vomiting in the bathroom. He jumped out of bed to help her. By the time he reached the bathroom she was done retching, and had collapsed onto the bathroom floor, gasping for breath. To his surprise, he saw that she was crying.

"What's the matter, Penny? I thought the morning sickness was over."

"Not morning sickness," she said bitterly, and he saw a look of fear and revulsion in her eyes. He recognized the look, but had not seen it in a long while.

"Something you ate?" he suggested.

She shook her head. "I remember now," she said quietly.

He sat there, stunned. When she had told him that she had little or no memory of that night, he had assumed it was forever. According to Penny, Dr. Gallo had explained that it was not uncommon for the mind to suppress unpleasant memories. But she hadn't mentioned that the suppression might be temporary.

He reached out to her to hold her hand, and moved closer to pull her to himself. "Penny, it's all right. We'll get through it."

She resisted his pull, and looked at him with doleful eyes full of tears. "Let me wash up." She stood up in front of the sink. Leonard got up himself and turned to lead Penny back to bed when he stopped. Penny was looking at herself in the mirror with a terrible scowl, as if the image in the mirror was something or someone she wished were dead. Leonard quickly put his arm around her and tried to pull her out of the bathroom, but she shook him off.

"I need to do this, Leonard. I need to hate myself some more, until it's all gone."

"No, you don't!" Leonard insisted. "Hating yourself won't help you, or anyone else. You know what Dr. Gallo told you."

"Dr. Gallo didn't do what I did. Dr. Gallo doesn't know everything."

He was silent, not knowing what to say.

"Leonard, I think I need to go. I need to be alone a little, to think. I'd like to go back to my apartment."

"Penny, please. Stay here. I'm worried about you." His previous concerns about suicidal thoughts were now stronger.

She looked at Leonard, realizing what was bothering him. "Leonard, I'm not going to hurt myself. I could never do that, not with the baby. But I need some time to myself."

Leonard was still reluctant. "Can you text or call me as soon as you wake up tomorrow? And then a couple of times during the day? Just to make sure you're all right."

She nodded.

"Dinner tomorrow? Out somewhere?"

Penny looked doubtful. "Let's see how I feel. I don't think so."

She got dressed as Leonard waited in the living room, terribly worried. As she called for an Uber and got ready to leave, she stopped in front of him and took both his arms in her hands. "Don't worry, my love. I'm not going to do anything stupid. But I do need to try to get my mind together. It's for your sake as much as anything. OK? "

* * *

The next morning Penny texted Leonard as soon as she woke up: _I'm OK, don't worry. Have a wonderful Monday. I love you._

She was thankful that she had her regularly scheduled Monday morning appointment with Dr. Gallo. As soon as Penny walked into the office, Dr. Gallo could see that something was not right. But she let Penny lead the way.

"It's been a roller-coaster weekend." She took a deep breath. "Lots happened, I can tell you about it all. But the main thing is that in the middle of the night last night – this morning – I woke up. I think I was having a nightmare. Then when I was fully awake, I could remember that night. You know, the night I haven't remembered."

"The night you slept with another man," Dr. Gallo said.

"Yes. Somehow it all came back, I guess," she said helplessly. "I hoped it wouldn't, but it did. It's awful, doctor. I can't get the images out of my mind. It's like torture, having to relive it all over again. It makes me sick just to think about it. Actually, when I first remembered, I threw up. I was at Leonard's place, so he knows about it, too. What a mess." She was quiet, looking down.

Dr. Gallo took a deep breath. She knew this would be delicate. "Penny, we haven't talked about your not remembering. But I think it's important for me to explain something. I can't be sure, but it's likely that what happened to you is what's called dissociative amnesia. It's something that can occur when a person has suffered an emotionally traumatic event. You may have read about it in the context of sexual abuse."

Penny's eyes opened wide. The doctor hastened to clarify. "That doesn't apply here, of course. My working hypothesis has been that you were so distraught about what happened that night that your mind blocked it out. And in fact it's usually temporary. But I need to warn you that some people have a very hard time when the memories return, and it's crucial to get treatment. It can be extremely painful and upsetting."

Penny nodded. "Well, it has been. I feel like now I know better what Leonard feels. Before, I could blot out what happened and just focus on the fact that it was wrong. But now I can see the whole insane thing in my mind. And it keeps running over and over, like a loop. I just feel disgusted. Horrified. Ashamed. I can't imagine how Leonard can stand it…."

Dr. Gallo watched carefully. "All right. It's important for you to work through what happened."

Penny looked at the doctor, anguished. "You said to get treatment. What treatment?"

The doctor smiled. "Therapy, Penny. What we've been doing. Fortunately, you're already working on this, so I feel confident you'll be able to cope. But, as I said, it is important for you to try to deal with the memories in a clear-headed way, so that they don't become overwhelming. Do you think you're ready to talk about that night?"

Penny nodded. "I think so. I mean, I came in here knowing that's what I wanted to talk about." She shuddered at the thought, though.

Dr. Gallo waited a moment for the young woman to collect herself. "You called it an insane thing. I doubt it was insanity, Penny. So now that you remember, how would you characterize the experience?"

Penny bit her lip, worried, as she concentrated her thoughts on the doctor's suggestion. "Well, I suppose one thing that might be relevant is how I felt during…it. And it wasn't, you know, it wasn't really all that great. If you know what I mean."

"You mean that you didn't have that much pleasure?"

The young woman nodded, embarrassed. Some things were uncomfortable to talk about, even after several months of therapy.

"Why do you think that was the case? Do you usually have more pleasure during sex?"

"Oh, yes. Not that I've had any lately." And she blanched, realizing that the last time she had had sex was with DiCaprio. "Apart from a short thing when we were apart, I've really only had sex with Leonard in the past seven years or so. And sex with him is amazing. Really incredible. Best I've ever had."

"And what do you think accounts for the difference?"

"I guess with Leonard I feel connected, comfortable. Like I can really let myself go. Plus," she said, the shyness returning, "he's really good at…certain things. Anyway, I told him a while back, when we were talking about it, that it was a feeling of being alone in the world with him."

"And with this other person?"

"I couldn't really relax. I think I was tense, even though I'd had a bit to drink. I was…holding back."

"Why do you think you were tense?"

Penny shook her head in despair. "I guess I was tense because I realized that what I was doing was wrong. That I _knew_ that I was cheating. Maybe sub-consciously. Maybe even consciously." She clenched her fists in anger at herself.

Dr. Gallo waited, again, until the young woman was composed. "Can you say more about what you were feeling?"

Penny sat, thinking it through. "I remember being very stressed out. You know, like when you feel somebody's following you on a dark street. That means I did this on purpose, like making a choice. That's what Diane was telling me, that I made a choice, not a mistake. Now how can Leonard ever forgive me?" she gasped, burying her face in her hands.

"Diane? Your director?"

"Yes, she told me choices have consequences, and that I had to decide how I wanted my life to be. And she said I chose to sleep with L – I mean, that actor."

Dr. Gallo interrupted, gently. "Penny, I know who you're working with. I'm pretty sure I know who it was."

"OK," Penny sighed. "With Leo. She said that there was my family life with Leonard, on the one hand, and the life of Hollywood, on the other. That sleeping with somebody like him was choosing the Hollywood life. And that I had to decide which one I wanted."

"I see," the doctor said. "So she was saying that you made a choice that night. Do you agree? Is that how you experienced it that night? Is that how you remember it?"

"I guess. I don't know," Penny said feebly. "I always thought that I wasn't really in control of myself. But that's not how it feels now. I mean, that's not how I remember feeling."

"How did you feel, to the best of your memory now?" Dr. Gallo prompted her.

"It was sort of awesome," she said, embarrassed to admit it. "I mean, he got us a private corner in a fancy restaurant. They let us in by some kind of secret entrance. His car is really impressive. And his house is amazing, like one of the ones you see in magazines. Right on the beach. I mean, _really_ on the beach, you can walk out onto the deck and the beach is underneath you, with the waves breaking just a few yards away. And there was a big glass case in the living room with all his awards in it. He unlocked it and took out his Academy Award and let me hold it." She shook her head. "Listen to me. I feel so ashamed."

"Why?"

"I don't know, it sounds so immature. I can't believe I'm even talking like this about something that destroyed my own marriage."

"But that is how you felt, right? And you want to understand what happened. I think it may be important to know what was going through your mind at the time, even if it's not how you feel about it now. Do you understand the difference?"

Penny nodded, sighing deeply. "I guess. And I have to say that I was there because I wanted to be, even though I knew it was wrong. I wish I could say that I was in a trance, or too drunk to know better. That would make it easier, maybe. But I wasn't. I chose to be there, and to go through with it. Me. Nobody made me do it. I hate that. I hate myself for that."

Dr. Gallo waited.

Penny sighed again. "I guess I can't really say that it was just some terrible mistake. Maybe it was a choice instead."

Dr. Gallo paused, then asked, "So if that was the choice you made, how do you feel about it now? Was it the right choice?"

"No!" Penny practically exploded. "It was so wrong. Now I think of it like a kid experimenting with cocaine or something: I wondered what it would be like. But I know I don't want that, I've never been more sure."

The doctor sat quietly, waiting and watching as Penny continued to mull over their discussion. She was relieved that the young woman seemed to be handling the memories as well as could be expected. Eventually Penny spoke. "Leonard keeps saying he needs to understand why I did what I did, because only then he'll be able to see if he can trust me not to do it again. So if I tell him about this, what's he going to think?"

"I don't know," the doctor observed. "What do you believe he'll think?"

"I wish I knew," Penny said, helplessly. She tried to reason it through the way she knew Leonard would. "He's very logical. I wish I could do that. Let me see. If it was a terrible mistake, then maybe it was a one-time thing, and he wouldn't worry about it happening again. But what's to say it couldn't happen again? How could I promise not to do something I can't control?"

She sat, still trying to map out the logic. "It's so confusing. I wish I had a whiteboard," she said, smiling. "But what I'm seeing now is that I chose to cheat on him, on purpose. That's much worse, I think." She paused. "On the other hand…if it was a choice, then I could choose _not_ to do it."

Dr. Gallo looked on, admiring Penny's attempt to bring logical rigor to such an emotional issue. But she wondered about its relevance. "Do you really think Leonard will think about it like this, as if it were a math problem?"

Penny nodded. "I think so. I mean, he also has a real gut reaction, you know, those terrible thoughts I've mentioned. But when he's calmer, I do think he will try to reason it through. That's just how he is. My problem is I can't figure out what the conclusion is. Is it better if I lost control for some reason, maybe drinking too much? Or if I knew what I was doing? I don't know which is better. I suppose if it was something I chose to do, the most important thing is whether he can believe me when I promise never to do it again."

Penny sat back, exhausted. "I believe that's the way he'll think about it."

"And what are the implications?" Dr. Gallo asked.

Penny was now nodding to herself, still absorbed in trying to think through the implications. "The most important thing is whether he can be convinced that I would never again choose to cheat on him."

Dr. Gallo broke in. "Do you think you _can_ choose that?"

"Oh my God, yes. But the better question is whether Leonard will believe me. I mean, logic is one thing, but what evidence does he have? Do you believe me?"

"Penny, that's not really important."

"You're right. What's important," Penny said firmly, "is if Leonard believes me."

"Actually," the doctor said, "I think what's even more important is if you believe it yourself."

Penny nodded. "Right. And I do. I'm really sure I do. Dr. Gallo, you have no idea how much I long for Leonard. All day, every day, every time I'm with him. I can't stand our being apart."

"That's all well and good, Penny. But you might have said the same thing six months ago."

"True. But now I really know. Now I really believe it. I just have to convince Leonard."

"I suppose so," the doctor concluded.

Penny took a deep breath. "That sort of raises the stakes."

"Well," the doctor concluded, "perhaps this has given you a better insight into _yourself_ , and the insight may help you explain things to him. Mathematically or otherwise."

The doctor could see how agitated Penny was. Dr. Gallo remained concerned about the woman's reaction to the rush of returned memories. So she suggested a special session the next morning, to try to continue to probe Penny's memories and feelings, and to help her work through them.


	24. Days of quiet contemplation

24\. Days of quiet contemplation

Penny emerged from her session with Dr. Gallo still confused, wanting urgently to clarify her thinking. Unsure she could work through her ideas by herself, she called Audrey to see if she was available. Penny told her friend that she wanted to have a serious conversation; Audrey suggested they meet at her place for lunch, where the discussion would be more private.

At noon Penny arrived at Audrey's Santa Monica apartment.

"Is Jordan here?"

Audrey smiled. "I sent him home so we'd be alone."

Penny groaned. "Sorry. That wasn't really necessary." But inwardly she was relieved.

"OK, kid, what's up?" Audrey said, as they started on the lunch she had prepared.

Penny explained the situation. She and Leonard were definitely closer, but there seemed to be two big obstacles. The first was that he had awful visions of Penny with another man, which angered and hurt him deeply. The second was that he seemed to have real doubts that she was truly committed to a life with him, and a pressing need to understand why she had cheated on him.

Audrey listened carefully, and thought for a couple of minutes before speaking. "I think they're really the same thing. He pictures you with another man because he's afraid it might happen again. I mean, it would bother him no matter what. But it's not like Leonard's the only man you've ever been with, so I can't imagine it's just about the sex. I think the main reason it's so hard for him to accept is that it's a reminder that there was a time when you chose somebody else, that he doesn't understand why, and that you could do it again. And, given what you say about his insecurity, the fact that it was Leo probably makes it especially hard for him – believing that he's not good enough for you. So he thinks about the sex, and how much better he imagines a world-class sex symbol would be, and it just reinforces his fear that on that dimension, too, he won't be good enough for you."

Penny nodded. "That makes sense. He's said things like that, sort of."

Audrey looked at Penny intently, pursing her lips. "So….not to be blunt, but why did you do it?"

"What do you mean? I told you, I had too much to drink, I was really upset about the rehearsals, it was just craziness."

"Penny," Audrey said slowly, "I think maybe you should try harder."

"What do you mean?" Penny said, confused and somewhat offended.

"I don't think you're really being honest with yourself. Sorry, kid, I haven't wanted to say anything, but it looks like things are coming to a head, and you asked for my advice, so I have to call it like I see it. That was your explanation at the beginning, about drinking too much, and being upset. But I don't really believe that now. I don't think you do, either. You're not the same person you were four months ago. I've seen how you've changed. It's called maturity. Don't knock it until you've tried it. And maybe it's about time you tried it."

Penny was mute, dazed by her friend's challenge.

"Look," Audrey continued, "I remember those first couple of weeks. Leo's always on the prowl, everybody knows that. And he was flirting with you a lot. And you were flirting back. I thought you were just playing around. But once I found out what happened, I had to wonder. And I still wonder. Why did you do it?"

Penny shook her head, stunned. Audrey had honed in immediately on the very issue Penny had been agonizing over. "I don't know anymore, Audrey. I really don't."

"Can I suggest something?" Audrey said, more gently now. Penny nodded forcefully.

"I think you wanted to see what that kind of life would be like, whether you belonged with people like Leo. Whether that was you. I think you weren't sure whether you wanted to stay with Leonard. That's what I think."

Penny was pensive. "I guess I knew you thought that. You asked me a bunch of times whether I really did want to be with Leonard. I think I was always offended. But I see what you mean now. You think I was testing the waters with Leo."

"I do. I think you felt that with Leonard you'd settled, but after everything that had happened you might be able to trade up. Sorry if that offends you, but maybe it's better to know your own mind than to be confused, or to fool yourself."

"You think I'm fooling myself? You think I don't really want to be with Leonard?"

"I didn't say that. I said I thought that was what was in your mind at the time. That you could do better, lots better. And who could be better than Leo?"

Penny was taken aback. "Oh." She tried to collect her thoughts. "I'm sure now, Audrey," Penny said. "I know that I want to be with Leonard. I have no doubts," she finished firmly.

"Well, I believe you. I've seen how you've grown. And all right, then. If you're sure you know the answer now, then what you have to do is convince Leonard," Audrey noted. "But I don't think you'll be able to convince him unless you're honest with him. And you can't be honest with him unless you're honest with yourself," she concluded.

As they cleared the table and cleaned up, Audrey watched her friend. Penny had held up under some pretty withering comments. She softened her tone to ask Penny, "Honey, don't you want to take a night or two off? There's so much going on in your life. I'm sure Diane will understand; it's practically the end of the run and you've only missed one show all run. And it would give Jenny a chance to show her stuff – every understudy's dream."

Penny shook her heard. "Sorry for Jenny, but I don't want to take time off. I look forward to being on stage. I feel so full of energy these days, and I love channeling it into the play. Plus I'm boiling over with emotions, and they all go in a million different directions, and in real life I have no idea where they'll end up. On stage I know exactly what's going to happen, and when. It's very comfortable. And these days my life is a lot more stressful than the performances. Is that weird?"

"Well," Audrey imagined, "I guess not, given what's going on in your life." And then she dared to ask a question that had been gnawing at her for weeks. "Girl, how are you managing to work with that asshole? I mean, he's sort of the cause of all this, and yet you spend some pretty intense time with him every night, twice on Wednesdays and Saturdays. I know the _spiel_ , we're professionals and all, but isn't it difficult?"

Penny contemplated briefly. "Honestly, no. I don't really blame him, and frankly I suppose I'm just indifferent to him. He's a great actor, and he's been very professional. And when I'm onstage my mind is on the performance, not on everything else in my life. So it hasn't really been an issue. I suppose if he were coming on to me, or trying to get involved, it would bother me, but he keeps his distance."

Audrey bit her lip, not sure whether to carry on. But she felt Penny deserved to know. "You know he went to see Leonard."

"What?! When?" Penny sputtered.

"A couple of weeks after it all happened. He told me afterwards. I told him he was an idiot. I have to say, I can't stand the guy, but he was really apologetic. I think he meant well."

"But…but what did he do?"

"He went to Leonard's office and tried to explain things," she said, trying to remember details. "According to him he mainly wanted to take the blame, not knowing you were married; and to tell Leonard how sorry he was."

"What did Leonard do? I can't believe he didn't tell me anything!"

"Leonard listened for a few minutes, then asked him to leave. Leo really seemed shaken by it. Honey, if you want my advice, I don't think you should mention it to Leonard. You guys weren't speaking at the time, and if he wanted you to know, he would have told you by now. It was probably really hard for him; I'd leave it alone."

"All right, I suppose you're right. But just when I thought things couldn't get worse, or more embarrassing…."

"Life is a play with no rehearsals, like the saying goes,"Audrey shrugged. "So people don't get do-overs, or things would be a lot easier."

Penny smiled. "But you and Jordan got a do-over, and look at how well that turned out."

Audrey grinned contentedly, as the two women hugged and Penny left. She started to head back to Pasadena, then changed her mind and drove to the Third Street Promenade. She had the rest of the day and evening free, and lots to think about. She wandered the Promenade, then headed to the Pier, places she had walked the day she'd met Diane and George at the doctor's office. The day she and Leonard had decided to start a family. The day they'd stayed in that little hotel by the beach. She walked down past the Tides Inn itself, enjoying the clear skies and mild early-December weather.

In the little park across from the hotel, events planners were setting up for a toddler's birthday party. Soon the children and their mothers – and a few fathers – arrived. Penny sat watching the children run around with abandon, and their parents converse quietly. And it reminded her of how happy she had been that day to think of children of their own, and how sincere had been Leonard's love and support for her.

But Penny soon fastened, more darkly, on how quickly she had been disloyal to Leonard's love and support. How she had thrown her poor husband's life into utter chaos, undermining his confidence and his ability to believe in her, driving a wedge between herself and the best man she had ever known. She had even been disloyal, she reflected, to her own enthusiasm.

She now felt certain that the woman who craved a family that evening – and who envied the families she was watching now – was the real Penny Hofstadter. True, that same woman had made things go horribly wrong. But now she had to try, at least to try, to make things right.

After hours of debating with herself, Penny badly wanted to hear Leonard's voice, although she understood it was not the right time to discuss their relationship, until her understanding was sharper. But she did want to talk to him, and she had a good excuse. She called him at work to see what he thought about Sam Rubin's offer and the screen tests, and they had a calm, productive conversation for a good 20 minutes. They decided that the risk was low, and the possible rewards great, so she should go ahead with it. Just making a decision jointly with Leonard calmed Penny's nerves a bit, although she didn't feel she was ready to see him – so she called off their regular Monday dinner.

Penny stayed by the beach all afternoon and into the evening, watching young lovers and families with children, contemplating the serenity of a life of normalcy. She headed back to her car as night fell, and drove to Pasadena in silence: no music, no radio, nothing but her thoughts about the past, and her hopes for the future.

* * *

Tuesday morning was Penny's specially scheduled session with Dr. Gallo. And she went into it with a firm purpose in mind. "Dr. Gallo, I realize there are things you want to talk about, but can I ask us to focus on two things today? We can come back to whatever you'd like."

"Of course, Penny. These sessions are for your benefit, not mine."

"Good. So, the first thing is a question for you. I've told you that Leonard keeps having these awful thoughts about me being with another man, very graphic and disturbing thoughts. He doesn't seem to be able to control them. Sometimes he can hold me, but at times even thinking of being with me – I mean physically – seems to provoke all those terrible images. Do you have any ideas about what I might be able to do about them?"

Dr. Gallo thought. "I realize how important this is to you, but I want to emphasize that I'm not really in a position to analyze Leonard's thinking. I've only met him once, and I only know him through your descriptions. So take that into account. But I can say that there is a possibility that what he's experiencing is what we call obsessive thoughts. These are thoughts that recur, often of very disturbing things. Obsessive thoughts are not unusual for people who have suffered a trauma, including an emotional one. So – again, with the warning I gave you – it's possible that he is experiencing recurrent obsessive thoughts."

"And what can be done about them?" Penny asked.

"They're usually associated with severe anxiety. Anxiety that the trauma might recur, or some other kind of anxiety. Therapists have a lot of strategies to help in these cases, but really the main approach is to address the anxiety, not the thoughts. If whatever is leading the person to be anxious can be limited, then usually the obsessive thoughts start to go away. Recurrent obsessive thoughts are normally a symptom of severe anxiety; if you reduce the anxiety, you reduce the thoughts."

"Wow," Penny whispered. This largely confirmed Audrey's advice. "So the best way to deal with them is to try to reduce Leonard's anxiety about whatever is troubling him."

"That would be one reasonable inference," Gallo said cautiously. "But I want to reiterate what I said before. I can't really diagnose somebody I haven't seen."

"I understand. But all that makes sense. And it gives me some hope. If I can set Leonard's mind at ease about us, maybe those thoughts will fade more quickly."

"Maybe, Penny. So what was the second thing?"

"Oh, right. I keep thinking about understanding what I did. I don't feel like we reached a conclusion last time. I mean, I guess we established that I did choose to be with another man, but I don't feel that I really understand why. I talked with Audrey afterwards, though, and she kept hitting on something you and I have talked about a lot. That is, the pull between life with Leonard and a life in Hollywood. Audrey thinks I went with….all right, with Leo because I wanted to, because I wanted that kind of lifestyle instead of my marriage to Leonard. That's how she said it. A little brutal, I suppose, but maybe she's right? It's what Diane said, too, and even Leonard. Maybe they're all right?"

"Do you think they're right?" Gallo asked. Penny had to smile to herself; the doctor's approach was predictable, always throwing questions back to Penny herself.

Penny looked down, troubled. "I don't know anymore."

"Does what you've remembered about that night clarify your thinking?" Dr. Gallo suggested. "Does it help you understand why you ended up in bed with another man?"

Penny looked up at the ceiling, unwilling to look directly at the doctor. "I know there was that conflict in my mind. And I know that I went willingly, and that I realized what I was doing was wrong even while I was doing it. So Audrey's probably right. That I wasn't sure I wanted to be with Leonard, that I was wondering about the kind of life I wanted."

"And do you remember how you felt about it then, that night?"

"Yes," Penny said, with obvious discomfort. "It was…It was thrilling to be with such a famous guy, and I felt excited. Like being with somebody like him, in a house like that, was part of a lifestyle I could have. I knew I was cheating, but I wanted to do it, I wanted to experience that kind of excitement," she finished miserably.

"I wish I could take it all back," she whispered. She looked at Dr. Gallo. "When I think about it now, I understand why all my friends have doubts about whether I want to be with Leonard. Because it seems so shallow, so unfeeling. To throw him over, to ruin his life, to ruin our life together, just to chase some stupid fantasy. It wasn't even about the man himself, it was really just about what he stood for. One of his friends said it pretty well. Was it worth it all, just to get my rocks off with a movie star? Boy, what an idiot I was," she said bitterly.

Dr. Gallo waited a moment, then asked gently. "You said before that your friends Diane and Audrey, even Leonard, had some doubts about whether you were serious about your marriage."

Penny nodded. "Right. Audrey and Diane both really questioned whether I could be faithful – whether I even wanted to be - when I'm surrounded by famous, handsome actors. And Leonard said pretty much the same thing. A little more crudely, maybe."

"Crudely?"

"Let's just say he suggested that I might be tempted to sleep with a lot more handsome actors if I got the chance. In somewhat different words," Penny said, lightly.

"I see. Do you think you would?"

"Be tempted? I suppose. But would I do it? Never. Never again. I'm more convinced of that than I've ever been."

"How," Gallo asked, pursuing the thought, "could you be sure you'd be able to resist the temptation?"

Penny looked at her, a little sideways. "You think I want to go through this again?" Gallo laughed. "Seriously, because one of the things the past few months has made very clear to me is how much I want to be with Leonard. I feel happiest when I'm with him. I look forward to our time together all week long. It's so peaceful, even though things between us have been rough. He's such a sensitive, gentle, man. I feel so much love for him, especially now. And even though he's so troubled, I feel that he really loves me. I told him a while ago that I felt that I had only learned how to love with him. And I really believe that. I don't know that I could ever have that with anyone else."

Gallo nodded. "You seem to have thought a lot about this. And you're sure? You're confident that what you want is a life with Leonard?"

"Absolutely. I want to be an actor, a good one. But I want to be an actor who is Leonard's wife, and mother to our children. There is no doubt in my mind."

"Why?" Gallo asked simply.

"Why what?"

"Why do you want to be Leonard's wife? What is it that makes him special to you?"

Penny thought. "Leonard is the kindest, most generous man I have ever met. I can't remember the last time I heard him say a truly mean thing to anyone. Well, he does make fun of Sheldon, but that almost doesn't count, Sheldon can be infuriating. Actually, his relationship with Sheldon is an example. I can't imagine anybody else putting up with Sheldon the way Leonard has all these years. And it's because he has an almost endless capacity to empathize."

"He's reliable," she continued, almost as if talking to herself. "He's the most responsible person I know. And so smart, scary smart. But still, really emotional. Not emotional in a bad way, emotional in the sense that he feels things really deeply." She was quiet, as Dr. Gallo waited.

"He loves me so much, too," Penny said, now getting a little emotional herself. "If you could only see how he used to look at me. Every time I came home, it was as if it was the first time he saw me. Sometimes he looks at me like that now. Not a lot," she said, sadly. "I hope he will more. But when he looks at me with all that love, and that little smile, my heart just feels full."

"You know," she continued, "when we first met pretty much all I did was get him to do stuff for me. It was easy, he was like a puppy dog following me around. But now all I want is to do things for him. To make him happy. To make him even a little bit as happy as he made me. He deserves that, and so much more. He's been there for me most of my adult life, the one person I could always rely on, the one person I could always turn to and know he'd watch out for me. I just can't imagine living without him in my life. It would be devastating."

She stopped, looking at the doctor. "I don't know if that really answers your question. But it's how I feel about him. To me it's love. More love than I've ever felt for anybody. Maybe you see it differently?"

Dr. Gallo smiled. "You seem quite certain. That's important, and I respect it. However, where we started was with the fact that you had looked for something outside of your marriage. And we wanted to try to understand why you did that in the first place. Not to be unkind, but it's easy to say how much you love Leonard, and that you won't be tempted in the future; but we have no way of knowing if this is true."

"Oh," Penny said, startled. "You're right. And that's important. Because I can say anything I want today about how faithful I'll be, but the reality is that I _did_ betray my man. I made a choice, for a reason. It was the wrong choice, but I made it. And now I have to live with it. I suppose the question is whether there's any way that Leonard can live with _me_ , knowing that at one point in my life I chose somebody else over him. But I have to be honest with him. I have to tell him the truth, and let him decide for himself. Otherwise, trying to get back together with him would be based on lies. I couldn't do that to him. I couldn't do that to myself."

The certainty with which Penny spoke impressed Gallo. This was not the shattered, hopeless, confused woman who had come to see her several months before.

"Well," the doctor concluded, "I do hope that Dr. Stevens can help you and Leonard figure out what's best for you both."

* * *

Penny had a couple of hours after the session before she had to head to Westwood for the matinee call. And she still wanted to try to clear her mind and organize her thoughts. She went into one of the Pasadena neighborhoods she had gotten to know. For three hours she wandered, walking past the houses and gardens, trying to clear her mind and steel herself for what she knew would be a very difficult conversation with Leonard.

Penny went straight from the neighborhood to the theater, and as soon as she arrived parked herself in Audrey's dressing room. She reported on the session, and her conclusion and the implications.

Audrey looked at her, concerned. "Honey, this was just my impression. Doesn't mean it's correct. You have to figure these things out for yourself. I hope you don't take my word as gospel and do something you'll regret."

"No, no," Penny protested. "You helped me see the issues more clearly. I have to take responsibility for my actions. And Leonard keeps saying he needs to understand why I did what I did. I believe I do understand it, at least mostly, now, and I have to tell him. It might not end well, but at least there will be a resolution. And it will be an honest one."

Audrey looked at Penny with apprehension. "My fingers are crossed for you, baby." And she gave her a huge hug as they headed off to get ready for the matinee.


	25. Cards on the table

25\. Cards on the table

Penny went into the matinee that Wednesday with more drive than she imagined possible. As she had told Audrey, all her energy was channeled into the performance. And all the emotions boiling up in her were sublimated to the predictable, reliable trajectory of Maggie's rise and fall. It was strangely relaxing to work up her fear and loathing to the fever pitch necessary for her climactic scene with Quentin/Leo, knowing how it would end and that she would be around to repeat it a few hours later. And she felt that with each step forward she made in understanding herself, and understanding her relationship, her performances got deeper and deeper. Audrey noticed it, and mentioned it as they grabbed a quick dinner between the matinee and the evening performance.

As the two women returned backstage before the evening performance, they walked past DiCaprio. He took a step toward them, obviously wanting to say something to Penny, but constrained. They had barely spoken to each other in weeks, other than on stage. Penny grabbed Audrey to provide a chaperone, and moral support, and approached DiCaprio.

"What is it, Leo?" Penny asked, brusquely.

Leo looked uncharacteristically diffident, almost timid. It was a good look on him. "Penny, I just wanted to say that your performances lately have been amazing. I feel very lucky to be playing opposite you. The energy and emotion you bring to that last scene is incredible. And I feel like it raises my game, too. So, thanks."

"Thank you, Leo, that's very kind. You've been good to work with," Penny said, somewhat formally. And she and Audrey walked away, with Audrey whispering "Way to go, girl," as they left.

* * *

Penny was proud of the praise she was getting, and of how good she felt about her performance. But most of her mind was on her desire to try to discuss her insights with Leonard. The opportunity arose at their next session with Dr. Stevens, Thursday morning.

Dr. Stevens began by addressing them. "We've gotten a lot of issues out on the table. So now let's go back to our purpose here. It seems from what you have said, Penny, that you want to focus on attempting to rebuild trust. And especially to address Leonard's feelings about what happened. So I think it would make sense to ask Leonard, again, where you see these sessions going from here."

Leonard thought. "I guess it hasn't changed much for me. I'd still like to understand better why Penny did what she did. Because I still don't."

The doctor was silent, waiting for him to elaborate.

"Like, I keep asking myself, why didn't she tell him that she was married? I mean, I get that they were working together and it was natural to go out for dinner when they were done. I even get why she wasn't wearing her ring, being in character and all that. And I suppose I even get that she probably had more to drink than was wise, and that she was upset about how rehearsals were going. But I just can't understand why she didn't mention that she was married."

Penny was looking down sadly.

Dr. Stevens continued to look at Leonard without speaking.

"To me, I would expect that if Penny went out to dinner with a guy from work, the natural thing would be to make it clear that she was married. Just sneaking in a reference to her husband, or something. That's what people do. So why didn't she? I can't get that out of my mind."

"Why not?" the doctor asked, gently.

Leonard looked uneasily at Penny. "Because if she didn't mention being married, it means that from the start she was thinking about getting involved with him. At least that's the way I see it. Either you make things clear from the start, or you are open to…to whatever."

"I see. Penny, do you have some thoughts on this?"

Penny swallowed hard. "I've been trying to figure out why I did...what I did…in my therapy. And I guess it's still not totally clear. But I have some ideas."

"Go on," said Dr. Stevens, as Leonard watched and listened carefully.

"I guess I have to accept that…" and she stopped. She looked desperately at Leonard. Leonard smiled, encouragingly.

"I…" she whispered, "I'm not sure I can talk about this yet." The room was silent for a minute as Penny wrestled with her fear.

Dr. Stevens broke the silence. "We can come back to this, if you prefer, Penny. Or perhaps we can discuss why you don't feel comfortable talking about it."

Penny sat, thinking. Finally, she looked up, resolved. "No. I want to say it." She looked at Leonard.

"Leonard, this is going to be incredibly hard for me. And the reason is that I'm afraid that that there are some things I'm going to say that could drive you away from me forever."

Leonard shook his head. "Penny, we're here because we're committed to working through these problems and seeing where they lead. I understand that this might be painful, and it might not end up where we'd like, but that's better than my not knowing and spending my nights wondering what I did wrong."

Penny exhaled sharply. "You did _nothing_ wrong, Leonard. This is about me. I know that's a cliché, but it's true. There were things inside me that even I didn't really know about." She was quiet again.

She looked at Dr. Stevens, anguished, uncertain of whether and how to continue.

Dr. Stevens sensed her unease. "Penny, there are no guarantees. I think you just have to look Leonard in the eye and tell him what you're thinking. And if either of you finds this too intense, or uncomfortable, let us know."

Penny did as the doctor suggested. "Leonard, ever since the possibility of this part in _After the Fall_ came up there has been a battle inside me. I wasn't really conscious of it, but Dr. Gallo helped me understand it. You know I came here to try to get into acting. I was young and stupid, and nothing worked out. And over time I came to see that I could be happy without being famous. That _you_ make me happy, and that building a life with you was what I wanted to do."

Leonard nodded along, as she continued. "When we decided to start a family, I loved where we were headed. It was a dream of mine: a great husband, a family, a house. It wasn't the acting dream, but it was a wonderful dream, and it had come true."

"But I got the part in the play. So on the acting front, for the first time, everything was falling into place. And it was wonderful, too. And I couldn't have asked for a better partner in either, starting a family or making big steps in my acting career."

She stopped to get her breath. Leonard was practically holding his, looking at her in anticipation. Penny reached for his hand, and she could feel his palm damp with sweat.

"So I had my family dream, and my Hollywood dream, and they had both come true. But they were so different. It was like I was living a double life. In Westwood I was playing the world's most famous sex symbol, working with wonderful actors and the industry's best producer and director, hoping for success. In Pasadena I was a wife and future mother, thinking about a suburban house with a yard."

"The two sides of my life were in conflict, inside me. I was in conflict. I wanted the excitement of Hollywood, but I wanted the safety and security of our family. I hadn't worked out that conflict in my mind. When the rehearsals started going so badly, I was desperate to belong there, with the successful actors."

She stopped again, and took a very deep breath. "Anyway, that evening what was uppermost in my mind was making it as an actor, showing that I deserved to be there. I was determined to prove that I belonged. From the moment I left the theater with him, I think I was fixated on the idea that I wanted to be in his world, to be part of that world. No matter what." She repeated softly, "No matter what."

Leonard was silent, but Penny could see the pain in his eyes. And the quiet question.

"I know what you're thinking. And I'm ashamed to say that I think you're right. I knew what I was doing, more or less, from the start. I knew that if I had the chance I would end up in bed with…another man. Because that was part of belonging, of being a success in this new world."

"I could say that at the time I was confused, carried away by the setting, swept up in the moment, and that would probably all be true. And that the next morning, when I realized what I'd done, I regretted it immediately. But at the time, I knew what I was doing; I knew it was wrong; and I did it anyway."

She was quiet again. "There's a lot more I could say, but I think that may give you your answer. That's why I didn't tell him I was married. That's why I didn't put my ring back on after the rehearsal. That's why it happened. I betrayed you because I was trying to be part of a different world, to live a different life. I don't know if you can ever get past that, but you deserve the truth."

Leonard looked down and let go of Penny's hand. He rubbed his temples and squeezed his eyes shut. Now it was Penny's turn to hold her breath.

Leonard looked at Dr. Stevens. "Doctor, help me out here. What am I supposed to do with this?"

Dr. Stevens spoke gently. "Well, Leonard, what does what your wife said mean to you?"

Leonard looked up at the ceiling, then spoke. "It means that my wife didn't want to be married to me. Right?" He looked at Penny. "What you're saying is pretty much that at that point you decided you didn't want to be with me, that being with him, and what he represented, was more important to you than me. Than us. Than ten years of history. That's hard to take. That our marriage meant so little to you that you could throw it out because you were having a bad week."

Leonard stopped and looked at Penny. She was staring at him intently, her lips quivering, trying hard to stay composed, despairing of being able to explain herself to his satisfaction. He clearly wanted a reaction from her.

"Leonard, I can't disagree with you. I was terribly, terribly confused. I know that's not a good excuse. Still, I wasn't thinking straight."

"All right," Leonard shrugged. "But what happens if you get confused again? You're going to be around actors all the time now. Is one bad week enough for this to happen again?"

Penny took a deep breath. "Everything you say is true. And I understand your fears. If I thought I was the same person as I was back then, I'd say there was no hope for us. I couldn't ask you to trust me if I was still so uncertain about what I want out of life. But I've spent the last four months thinking about my life, and you, and what I want. I had questions, and doubts, before – doubts I didn't even know about. They came out that night, or that week. But I don't have them anymore. Back then, it was like there were separate universes or…many worlds – isn't that what you guys would say?" Leonard smiled a little and nodded. "And at that point I didn't know which one I wanted to live in." She stopped, as it was clear that Leonard wanted to speak.

"So," he said slowly, "what do you think now, about these two worlds? Which do you want to live in?"

"Oh, Leonard, with you, in yours. In ours. I have no question in my mind. It's so clear to me. The other is exciting, but it's not enough, at least not for me. Our world makes me feel whole, like a full person. _You_ make me feel whole, complete, satisfied with who I am and what I'm doing. I do want to be an actor, and I think I can be a good one. But I want to be one of those actors who has a normal life, with a normal husband, and normal children, and normal friends. I really feel that I can promise you that I will never choose differently again."

"Well, that's a question. How can I be sure? How can I know that this won't happen again?"

Penny looked at him helplessly. "I don't know what I can do other than promise. What else can I do?"

Dr. Stevens started to bring the session to an end, but Penny felt she had to try again.

"Can I say one more thing?" she asked, and the doctor nodded. Penny turned to her husband. "Leonard, I don't want you to get the impression that this was about…that other man, that somehow I was comparing him to you. Because I wasn't; he was just part of the fantasy. Nobody compares to you in my mind, in my heart. You're a wonderful man, and you're the man I want to be with forever. I know that may not sound very convincing, right now. But I've spent the last four months trying to understand myself better. I know I have a lot of problems, problems I didn't really know I had back then. And I understand how much I've damaged our relationship, and hurt you. I'm certain now that you're the one for me. I know I have a long way to go still, but I hope you believe me when I say that I truly, truly want the opportunity to keep trying. I know it's a lot to ask, and I have no right to expect you to believe me, but that's what I want."

The session came to a close quietly, as Dr. Stevens tried to summarize the issues.

The couple walked out of Dr. Stevens' office together. Penny looked fearfully at her husband. "Leonard? Are we finished? Did I just end everything?"

Leonard shrugged. "I don't know. It was hard to hear. But it's better to know the truth than to spend every night agonizing. And I think I do understand it better now."

Penny wanted to hug him, but wasn't sure it was appropriate. She felt silly asking, but…well, what was there to lose? "Leonard, can I hug you? I really need to feel you now."

"Of course, Penny." And they stood by her car in a loose embrace. After a bit Leonard could feel her sobs coming on, and she clung to him more tightly. She calmed down eventually. He wanted to kiss her on the forehead but that hadn't worked out so well before, so instead he simply looked at her, trying to fathom her thought processes.

"It's almost 11. Why don't you leave your car at the apartment, and I'll drive you to Westwood and we can have lunch there before your call?"

She nodded. "That would be wonderful."

They were both quiet in the car to Westwood. Leonard was obviously lost in reflection, and Penny knew very well that she had to let him think things through on his own. Whatever he decided, she knew it would be carefully worked out. She just had to hope that theory and evidence pointed in the direction she desired.

Over lunch, they made small talk. But at last Penny looked into her husband's eyes. She felt driven, almost compelled, to understand what he was feeling. "Leonard, after everything that's happened, why are you so good to me? I don't understand it."

He thought a bit. "Because you're the best person I know. You're honest, and sincere, and caring. You're a good woman. A _very_ good woman."

Penny hesitated. "But how can you say that, after what I did? I mean, I destroyed our marriage just to follow some stupid dream."

Leonard shook his head. "Well, it's not that different from what you said the first time we talked about it. Only then you made it seem like you had somehow lost control. Now it seems you accept that you were aware of what you were doing, and you're taking responsibility for it. That's a step forward, and I respect it. Still, it's hard to take…it means you were seriously considering leaving me – and I didn't have a clue. I don't really know what to do with that. I have to think about it more."

Penny shook her head sadly. "I know. I wanted to give you the truth, at least the truth as I understand it now. And I realize that for you to accept me now would take a huge leap of faith. I understand that, Leonard."

Leonard looked at her seriously. "I know you do, and I appreciate how hard it's been for you to work through all this, and to be honest with me. But, you know, I think I can understand the struggle you were going through. I imagine it's common among people who are suddenly given an opportunity to gain entry into that world. You faced that, and you made a choice. I believe you when you say that you now think it was the wrong choice. But you took responsibility for it, accepted that you had made a choice with consequences, and you're trying to move on. I think that's all a good person can do."

Penny looked at him, her eyes wide. It was remarkable how clearly he thought about such emotional matters. And the fact that she had anticipated that he would be this deliberate in his reasoning made her feel so close to him. "Leonard, I suppose I shouldn't say this, considering. But I've never loved you more than I love you right now."

He smiled at her sweetly. "Time for you to get to the theater." And they left for the Playhouse.

As he stopped to let her out at the Playhouse and head back to Pasadena, she asked, somewhat hesitantly, "See you Saturday evening?"

"Of course," he responded. And she smiled happily as she headed through the stage door.

* * *

Leonard drove back to Caltech deep in thought. He knew that their future was now up to him. He could either accept Penny's current promises, or decide that the threat of a recurrence was too great, and too real, to risk. And he was not quite sure how to decide. He spent the afternoon in his lab, jotting down notes to himself and pacing, and continued his anxious reasoning at home that evening.

The next morning, Leonard resolved to consult with his closest friends at the Institute. He started with Howard, filling him in on the gist of Penny's revelations and the state of his own thinking.

Howard listened intently but said nothing, mindful of Bernadette's insistence that he should help Leonard make up his own mind rather than try to influence him one way or the other. But Leonard would not let him off the hook so easily. "Howard, I want to know what you think. Doesn't mean I will do what you would, but I value your opinion."

Howard pursed his lips and paused before answering. "I'm an engineer. But I don't believe that people can change like machines, that you can just flip a switch and go from AC to DC. I do believe that Penny is sincere; I think she's an honest person. And I think she sincerely believes that she made a bad decision once, and will never do it again. But I have my doubts. If she could be tempted by the glitter and excitement of Hollywood just two weeks into it, what's to rule out a repetition? Like I say, people aren't machines; they can't change with the flip of a switch."

Leonard nodded. "But you did."

"How?"

"Come on, Howard. You were a…well, let's just say that Howard post-Bernadette would have been pretty horrified by Howard pre-Bernadette."

Howard shrugged. "OK, you're right. But that's because I found a new power source, not because I flipped a switch."

Leonard laughed. Howard looked puzzled. "What's so funny?"

"Such an engineer. I get what you mean. I would have said that you transitioned from one state to another. But somehow I can't get your way of putting it out of my mind: like you took your plug out of one socket, and put it in another."

"Oy, Leonard, that's disgusting," Howard said, laughing. "But you're right, that's the way I think about it. And bringing it back to Penny, do you really think she's changed enough…OK, in your terms, do you really think she's transitioned from one state to another?"

"Yeah," Leonard answered, seriously. "That's the question. I believe that she has grown tremendously over the past few months. If you had more contact with her you'd know that. It's not that she's a different person; but she has changed a lot. I guess I'll have to think about whether that's enough for me to believe that she is capable of holding to her promise."

Next stop: Sheldon Cooper. Leonard did not have much faith in Sheldon's emotional intelligence, but he did respect Sheldon, and Sheldon probably knew Penny as well as anybody other than Leonard himself. So they sat in Sheldon's office as Leonard explained the situation to Sheldon, and asked what he thought.

Sheldon thought hard before answering. And Leonard could see that he took the matter very seriously. "I believe in free will. That means I believe that Penny did what she wanted to do at the time. But it means I also believe that she can choose _not_ to repeat her behavior."

Leonard looked at him, frustrated. "Sheldon, you could say that about anyone. I know that in principle, free will means people can freely decide on their actions. But what I am asking is more specific: applied, not theoretical. Do you think _Penny_ can, and will, respect our marriage in the future? Given her past behavior."

Sheldon sighed. "Leonard, you're asking me a speculative question. I don't like to speculate when it comes to human behavior; there are too many stochastic elements."

"But surely you know Penny well enough that you can introduce enough controls to get the stochastic elements to a minimum. I'm asking you to think like an empiricist for a change."

"All right, all right," Sheldon conceded. "Penny is unreliable on many dimensions. But I think when it comes to affairs of the heart, she has been relatively consistent. Once she decided that she wanted to be with you, she expected you to be faithful, and when you strayed, she was furious. The inference I would draw is that she regards her own transgression with great distaste, even shame, and does not intend to repeat it."

"Thank you," Leonard said. "That's a reasonable inference. But can I ask you something, Sheldon? You were one of Penny's best friends. I think she may have been closer to you than to anyone except me. If you were me, would you trust her? Would you take her back?"

Sheldon looked at Leonard with great seriousness, and said, "I would be cautious, and want to be presented with some continuing measure of proof. I have to admit, and I think you know, that I have been very disturbed by what she did. But from what you've been telling me, it seems to me that she is truly remorseful, and that she loves you and wants to be with you. And I know that's what you want." He paused, thinking.

"Was there something else, Sheldon?"

Sheldon spoke, a little reluctantly. "I don't want to influence you unduly, but I've known you a long time, and I care about you. So I have to tell you that I don't think you've ever been happier than when you were with Penny. Of course, I don't think you've ever been sadder than these past few months, so maybe you should take that into account. But I want to see you happy again. And I do believe it can happen."

"Thank you, Sheldon," Leonard said gratefully. "Your opinion means a lot to me." And he got up to leave.

As he headed for the door, Sheldon said to him gently, "Good luck, Leonard." Leonard nodded and headed home.

* * *

Leonard spent the rest of the day, far into the evening, pacing his apartment and trying to organize his thoughts. He started from the beginning. Penny was a brave woman. It took courage to leave Nebraska and come to LA to try to make it in the movies. But it had not really worked out, and at some level her spirit had been broken. He had tried the best he could to support her, to keep her going, but years of rejection took their toll. And so she had decided to leave her dreams of a career in the movies behind, and to move on – to another job, and to him.

Now, however, her aspirations had been revived, wonderfully. He was happy for her, and proud of Penny for her achievements. But he was painfully aware that marriage to somebody like him had not been in her catalogue of fantasies. She had undoubtedly dreamed of finding her Prince Charming, a man to carry her off into the mists of romance and passion. When she abandoned her Hollywood hopes, he felt, she also abandoned her romantic desires. She might not have recognized the compromises she was making, but they were there, and they were real. Now, however, all her dreams could be realized, now she could have pretty much any man she wanted.

And what was he to her? He wasn't particularly charming, and he was certainly not a prince. More like a priest, somebody who was always available, ready with support, willing to hear confession. A stalwart guardian. Less exciting. That was his middle name, Leonard Less-exciting Hofstadter. Not the person for a beautiful and successful actress.

No matter what Penny said, it was hard to believe that she would choose him over all the other options now available to her. It seemed unrealistic to expect her to stay with the drab scientist for whom she had settled in disappointing times. She had moved onwards and upwards, and it seemed only natural that she would leave him behind. To expect anything different was to risk yet more pain, grief, and regret.

At the same time, Sheldon was absolutely right. He had never been happier than when he was with Penny. And she did seem to have grown emotionally over the past months. Leonard knew her well, and her sincerity seemed convincing.

There was something else. Although he knew it was irrational, he could hardly bring himself to think about a life without Penny. If they did divorce, he could barely imagine what he would do next. He knew with certainty that he could never have what he had with her with any other woman. For one thing, the wounds were so deep that he himself recognized that they would probably leave him scarred for years, too scarred to dive into another relationship in the way it deserved.

On the other hand, those scars would probably color and distort his future with Penny, too. And they might make it impossible for them ever to create a healthy marriage. Was it better to try to rescue the wreckage of the best relationship of his life, knowing how difficult and risky that would be, or to try to move on? And move on to what? Yet if he stayed with Penny, would he just get hurt again, only more so?

Leonard sighed. So many questions, so few answers. At some level, he knew, logic could only take him so far. He loved Penny and wanted to spend his life with her. If she loved him, really loved him, he was confident they could work things out eventually. Penny did keep telling him how she loved him, how she wanted to be with him. But how could he believe her? Why should he believe her? Where was the evidence?


	26. Rolling the dice

26\. Rolling the dice

Leonard spent a restless night. Saturday morning, he decided to head to Santa Monica, to an area that meant a lot to him, to think some more. He stopped in at a coffee shop on the Promenade, wandered out to the Pier, strolled along the bluffs above the beach, thinking all the way. He remembered their time there, thinking about what it meant, what it all meant.

His wanderings seemed to lead him, inevitably, toward the Tides Inn. As he ambled by, he looked up at the balcony of the room he and Penny had shared that night so many months ago. It seemed like years now. And yet he had no trouble casting his mind back to that evening, to the two of them standing on that balcony overlooking the ocean. It had been perhaps the happiest evening of his life. And he was pretty sure that he would never be able to recreate that kind of happiness with anybody but Penny. She had a unique ability to make him feel capable and worthy. Even now, his time with her was the highlight of his week. And he recognized in himself a growing desire to ensure the security of his child, their child. However, the strength of his bond with Penny also meant – as he had discovered over the past months – that she had a unique ability to make him feel more miserable than he ever had in his life. So it was a gamble, a risk. Was it worth taking?

Leonard walked over to the park across from the hotel, then down the stairs to the beach, sitting on a rock overlooking the bike path and the wide expanse of sand. To his left was a small parking lot. A young couple and their daughter – maybe six or seven years old – were putting on inline skates. As he watched, the father started showing the young girl, who apparently had never been on rollerblades, how to skate on the asphalt. She took a couple of steps, then screamed and began to fall. The father caught her, righted her, and had her venture a couple more tentative strides. Again, she screamed and started to tumble, and again, her father caught her. This went on for at least five minutes. Then he had her put her arms on his hips as he skated slowly on the asphalt, pulling her along behind him. This seemed to give the girl more confidence, and she risked a few more strides before reaching for her father.

Leonard watched, fascinated, as the tableau played itself out. All this time, the girl's mother stood by the car, observing the two carefully. Within a few more minutes, the girl was skating three or four yards at a time, into the arms of her father, and laughing delightedly.

Suddenly Leonard saw with a shock that the mother was skating towards him. He must look like some sort of pervert, watching a young girl on inline skates like that. Leonard scrambled to his feet as she arrived and said, apologetically, "I'm so sorry for staring. It was just so interesting to see. My wife's expecting…." he stammered, as if this were an explanation.

The young woman smiled and nodded. "I figured it was something like that. Congratulations. Your first?"

Leonard nodded. "Got any advice?"

The mother thought. "Figure out what you do best. Like when it's skating, or riding a bike, or basketball, it's all him," she said, pointing at her husband. "He's so patient. I'd be all over her in 30 seconds, but he can do this for hours." Leonard could hear the admiration in her voice, and feel a lump starting to form in his throat. "But when somebody bullies her, or there are boy troubles – not for a while, I hope! – then it will be all me. So figure out what each of you does best."

Leonard nodded thoughtfully. The woman continued, "Try to always be on the same page. And make sure to find time for each other. That's important." She looked at him and smiled warmly. "I'm sure you'll do fine. Anyone who cares that much about it is going to be great."

Just then, the young girl called to her mother that they were ready to head for the bike path, as the father looked curiously over at the two of them talking. The woman waved good-bye to Leonard, who did the same. They headed off on the bike path, the girl in front, the father close behind, the mother bringing up the rear. As they skated away, the mother turned to Leonard and gave him a big smile and a thumbs-up, which he returned. He walked slowly up the stairs and headed back to the Promenade.

* * *

After a light dinner, Leonard went to the evening performance.

He arrived at Penny's dressing room, as usual of a Saturday evening, his mind still a mass of confused and contradictory thoughts. Penny immediately understood that he was still contemplating their future. They made small talk as they started home.

They had been driving for a few minutes, until Leonard could not contain himself. "Penny," he said, "tonight was the most remarkable performance I've seen you give. And I've seen a lot of them. Any thoughts?"

"I know," Penny said quietly. "Diane mentioned it to me. I guess…I guess the more I feel myself growing emotionally, the more I understand both my own feelings and those of others, the better I can capture all the complexity of the character. Not sure. That's just my hunch."

"That makes sense," Leonard agreed. "And I can tell you that I've seen such a change in you over the past few months. Don't take it the wrong way, but I think you've matured a lot."

"I take it as a compliment, my love. And I think you're right. But not just me; I think you've changed too. I hope you feel it's for the better."

"I do," Leonard said. "Painful way to grow."

When they arrived back at his apartment they sat on the couch, as they had taken to doing every Saturday evening. Leonard poured himself a glass of wine, and brought Penny a glass of water, as she unwound from the grueling two-performance day that marked the end of another week's performances – the second to last week of the run.

Penny took a deep breath. "Leonard, I have to ask. What are your thoughts, after that session with Dr. Stevens?"

Leonard thought for a long time before speaking. "Somehow, I find it a little easier to understand that what you did, you did intentionally. Because if it just happened, spur of the moment, then it could happen again. But if it was a choice, then you can choose differently. If you want to."

Penny was struck that this was the way she hoped he would think about their discussion. Of course, it lacked the next step, which was to decide that she was in fact capable of committing herself to being faithful. But she certainly was not going to press the matter. Leonard had to come to that decision on his own. So she was silent, smiling softly at her husband.

Leonard looked at her seriously. "So I have to ask, even though I know you've already answered. I want to hear you explain it better. How can you be sure you won't be tempted to consider the world of Hollywood, rather than my world, our world? Because I have to admit that it's hard for me to believe that you would choose me over all of the options you have now."

Penny swallowed hard. Hearing him talk like this was painful, reminding her of his renewed lack of self-confidence. She recognized that she had done a number on his ego; it was one of the many things she hated herself for. "Leonard, I wish you wouldn't put yourself down like that. I mean, just for starters, you're in one of the most difficult fields in all the sciences. I may not understand much about what you do, but I do know that there are only a few hundred people in the world who _can_ understand it – and that they're just about the smartest people in the world. So how does that make you a lesser option?"

Leonard smiled, rolling his eyes a little.

"And why would I consider something else when I've used every trick in the book to try to get you back?"

Leonard looked hurt, and Penny realized her mistake. "What tricks?"

"They weren't tricks, sweetheart, that was just an expression. What I meant was that I did everything I could think of, and some things I learned from Dr. Gallo, to try to understand the situation and figure out what I should do. It was very hard for me, but I think I really tried to understand myself for the first time. But probably the most important step was trying to look at things from your point of view."

She continued, "I needed to understand what you were going through. And I saw that if the roles had been reversed, I would probably not have been able to stand it. That made it clear how hard it would be to get through this, how patient I needed to be, and how long it might take. And how amazing it would be if you did ever decide to take me back." She leaned back on the couch.

"And," she said softly, "trying to put myself in your place made me think a lot about you as a person, about what a special person you are. I know you don't really realize it, or accept it, but there just aren't many men like you. Your depth of feeling, your kindness, your ability to empathize – all the things that make you you, they're beyond unusual. I've never met another man like you. Do you know that?"

She looked at him intently. "I want you to know that, Leonard. _I've never met another man like you._ And the more I thought about you, and about our life together, the more certain I was that you are the man I want in my life." And she stopped, exhausted.

"Leonard, all I can offer by way of proof is talk. But I hope you know me well enough to know how deeply I feel this now. I know I want a life with you. My time with you is so special to me. I look forward to our days together all week long. When we're together here, even as hard as things have been, it's like an island of peace and calm. I feel relaxed, and comfortable, and safe. Sure, it's exciting to be at the theater, to come out of the stage door and sign autographs, to think about screen tests and Broadway. All those things are wonderful. But I want to share them with you. I want to be able to do those things, and then to come back to a quiet, peaceful home. And I want that home to be with you."

She looked at him, appealing to him. "I've been trying so hard to understand you better, to understand myself better, to figure out how I can be a good wife to you and a good mother to our child. I just want the chance, my love. Please, just give me the chance."

Leonard touched her arm gently. "I appreciate how hard you've been trying. And of course you deserve a chance. But we're both tired," he added. "Time for bed." They headed down the hallway to begin what had become their two-nights-a-week routine. Leonard went into the bathroom, as Penny waited in her room, deep in thought. When she heard him finishing up, she went to her door and waited for him to emerge from the bathroom. He came out, wearing the dark-blue terrycloth robe she had bought him a few weeks earlier.

She walked over to Leonard, who was standing in the hallway between the bathroom and the second bedroom, Penny's bedroom. "Thank you for being so patient with me, and so honest. And for giving me a second chance. You never cease to amaze me, my love." She cupped his face in her hands and looked at him with a longing that made him gulp. "I can't wait for the day when I can kiss you properly. Promise me you'll tell me if that day ever comes."

"I…I promise," he said hesitantly. And then he leaned in and kissed her, tentatively, but full on the lips.

"I guess it just came," he said coyly. And he walked down the hall as Penny stood, stunned, in the doorway.

* * *

The next morning was their Sunday together. Leonard woke up to the smell of something delicious being cooked. He dressed and wandered into the kitchen, where Penny was making French toast.

They ate a quiet breakfast together, then he asked how she wanted to spend the day. She had thought of options, and suggested her preference. "Why don't we walk through some of the neighborhoods here? I used to do that with Audrey in Santa Monica; I do it around here sometimes. It's fun."

"All right," Leonard shrugged. He wasn't sure of the point, but it was a beautiful day and it seemed a pleasant pastime. They drove into one of the nicer neighborhoods in the area, parked and began walking.

As they walked, Penny talked about the houses they passed. "That's a Craftsman. Probably 1.2 million. I like the big picture windows, and the way the roof blends into the porch….This is a Victorian, 1.4 or 1.5 million. The windows are so small! I bet the rooms are, too. And lots of wasted space with hallways. Plus the plantings are so close to the house, they'd have to be torn out."

Leonard listened to her in surprise. "Where'd you learn all this stuff?"

"Oh, from Audrey and Jordan. We used to go walking in Santa Monica, and they were pretty serious about buying, so they talked about the houses. And it's interesting to think about what kind of house you might like. What do you think?"

Leonard shook his head. "I have no idea. I guess I always figured a house is just a house."

Penny laughed. Then she got serious, thinking for a minute. "I think you'd be interested in a Craftsman. They've got the kind of simple lines you like, but they're cozy, with lots of woodwork. They're sort of like you: efficient and rational, but warm and friendly. Modern and traditional at the same time."

Leonard looked at her curiously. "OK, show me some of those."

And the couple spent the next couple of hours walking through the neighborhood, looking especially for Craftsman houses. As they walked, Penny gave Leonard a tutorial on floor space, property values, housing styles, and the importance of renovating kitchens and bathrooms.

Penny prepared a simple dinner for them that evening, as she usually did on Sundays. This time she took care to set the table with a tablecloth and candles, and to dim the lights a little. She had a feeling about this weekend, that – as Audrey had put it – things were coming to a head. She wanted to try to create at least the hint of a romantic mood. A non-threatening one, to be sure. But Leonard had kissed her the night before – for the first time in four months. And she was mindful of what Dr. Gallo had suggested: the less anxious he was about her, the less likely those obsessive thoughts would be.

Over dinner, she watched him carefully. "You seem tired, these days," she said, smiling at him. "Have you been working hard?" She already felt she knew the answer, but she wanted to hear it from him.

"Really hard," he said, smiling. "Satisfied?"

"Very."

"Seriously, it's going really well. And – oh, I forgot to tell you! The Tokyo symposium is going to happen! Probably in late June of next year."

"That's so wonderful," she said, sincerely. "Leonard, I'm so proud of you. From what I understand, having an international symposium on your work is like getting an Academy Award. Even better. I only wish I could be there to see it."

"Well," Leonard said, "actually, I think you might be able to. There's a lot of money involved, and the travel office there asked if I was bringing a companion, so I think they'd pay."

Her curiosity was piqued. "Like, how much money? Do you mean they're paying you?"

Leonard looked embarrassed. "Well, I didn't really tell you everything. The symposium is organized around a prize ceremony; they're giving me a Physics prize the Japan Academy gives every two years. It comes with a five million yen prize."

Penny's eyes opened wide. "Five million yen! You're a millionaire!"

"Hardly," Leonard laughed. "That's about sixty thousand dollars. But it's still a lot of money."

"My God, Leonard, that's incredible. Oh, I'm so proud of you," and again she just longed to hug him.

"Anyhow…." He hesitated. "Did you hear what I said before?"

"About what?"

"About that if you wanted I think they'd pay for you to come along, maybe for us to stay a few extra days. Would you be interested? I know the baby will be here by then, but I asked around and it turns out they have bassinette seats in business class where a baby can sleep. It might be a little difficult, but it could also be fun. Hayley told me that the easiest time to travel is when they're really little, you just carry them around with you. I mean, I don't know if it's true, we can ask. And we don't have to decide now, it's seven months off, but do you think you might be interested? I mean, I wouldn't expect you to go to the symposium, but it would be nice if you were at the prize ceremony." He looked at her shyly, and her heart melted.

"I would love to, Leonard. Thank you for thinking of me. We can ask around and see if it's really practical. But I'd like nothing better than to see you get the recognition you deserve."

After dinner, Penny led Leonard to the couch. "Leonard, I think we have to continue to talk. And I want to tell you some things I've been thinking. I guess I've said them, in different places and different ways. But I want to say them all to you now."

Leonard looked at her expectantly.

"I will never forgive myself for what I did," she began. Leonard started to protest, as she knew he would, but she shushed him. "You can't make me forgive myself, even if you want to. That's up to me. But this whole terrible experience has helped me see the world more clearly. And I can tell you, beyond the shadow of any doubt, that this is the life I want. A life with you. A life with our children. I do want to be a good actor, even a great actor if I have it in me. But I want it to be a part of my life with you."

She looked at him directly in the eyes. "You have no idea how special you are to me, in so many ways. You have always been my strongest supporter. You've been the one sure thing in my life, for years. If it weren't for you, there is absolutely no way I would be where I am today. I will never forget that. But my debt to you goes way beyond your support for me and my career. With you I discovered how to love. What it means to put another person's happiness above your own – what it means to _want_ to do that. I discovered how to give myself to another person, to open myself to the vulnerability and the fear and the pain that being in love can mean. And with you I've felt the strongest emotions I have ever felt. It's beyond sad that it took me making the biggest mistake of my life for me to really come to grips with my true feelings, but there it is."

Penny's voice was breaking slightly now, as she continued, with increasing urgency. "I know myself so much better now. And I love you more than I ever thought I was capable of loving anyone. If we are not meant to be together, I will accept that – what choice do I have? But I want you to know that over the last ten years you have changed my life completely, in every possible way. And always for the better. And I wouldn't trade those ten years with you for anything else in this world."

Leonard was fighting back tears of his own.

Penny had thought about this moment many times, and about how she would handle it. It was a gamble, she knew; but it would probably always be one. So Penny got down on her knees, and took Leonard's hand. "So. Leonard Hofstadter, will you please stay married to me?"

Leonard looked at her, remembering how he had asked Penny the same question just a year and a half earlier, in a moment of crisis. He hesitated, but only briefly. "Yes. My answer is yes."

Penny just stared at him, not quite convinced of what she was hearing. But Leonard wasn't over with the remembrances of things past. "Should we," he said, "go to the bedroom and make this official?"

"Of course," Penny answered, unsure if she should ask him if he was certain. Perhaps she should allow him a little time to think it over more calmly. "Just give me a few minutes to freshen up and get myself ready. I've been waiting for this for too long to screw it up." That would give him time to reconsider, if he needed to.

"I don't think there's any way you could screw it up, but all right," Leonard smiled. "I'll be waiting for you."

Leonard went down to his bedroom and sat on his bed, quietly contemplating.

Fifteen minutes later Penny walked in, wearing only a satin robe. She walked over to him and kissed him passionately, then slowly unbelted the robe and let it fall to the floor.

Leonard gasped as he stared at his wife. "I had forgotten how incredibly beautiful you are."

"Even with this?" she asked, her hand on her now more prominent belly.

" _Especially_ with that," he answered.

She turned slowly around by the side of the bed, stopping to send a sultry glance his way from time to time, striking Marilyn-like poses as she turned. Finally, she stopped and looked at him, eyes ablaze.

"It's all yours," she said sexily, "to do with what you will."

"Waxing poetic, are we?" Leonard said with a smile.

Penny's eyes opened wide and her hand shot down below her mid-section. "Waxing! I've sort of neglected that for the last few months. Sorry!"

"That's fine," Leonard laughed. "I don't mind. It's nice. Natural." He peered behind her hand. "Even the color."

Penny laughed "So much for "Only her hairdresser knows for sure," I guess. Well, that sort of ruined the mood, didn't it?"

"Nothing could ruin this mood," Leonard said. "The most beautiful woman in the world is standing naked next to my bed."

He started to take his shirt off, but she stopped him. "I'm doing everything. You just relax."

Penny pushed him down onto the bed, and gently undressed him. She kissed him lightly on the neck, then the cheeks, then the lips. She felt him begin to tense, and she had him turn over in order to give him a long, gentle, massage. With him still on his stomach, she kissed his neck, his shoulders, his back, down to his feet. Then she turned him gently over and began back up, ending again with his face and again his lips. He seemed relaxed, and he was noticeably ready, and she was aching to feel him inside her.

She covered Leonard with her body, and ran her fingers through his hair, kissing him deeply. Then she lifted herself up to a sitting position and guided him into her. As she started to rock gently she first felt him tense, then relax. She continued to move softly and slowly forward and back, varying the pace. Leonard's eyes were closed and he was smiling sweetly. Penny felt her pleasure grow, but strove to contain it. She wanted this to last for a very long time.

Penny continued her unhurried rhythmic movements. Eventually she lowered her torso onto his so she could feel his body beneath hers. He was now moving smoothly himself, meeting her with steadily growing thrusts of his own. Soon they were in unison, pulsating together seamlessly.

Leonard opened his eyes and gazed into Penny's. She looked into those brown pools and saw that he was struggling to keep his mind clear, to ward off the images that tortured him. As she recognized the battle going on within him, she breathed in sharply. She needed to help him keep his focus on them, on their union. She stroked his cheeks and kissed his eyes. She saw some of the struggle fade as he surrendered himself to her, and to pleasure, and closed his eyes. And her tears began to fall.

They were moving slightly faster now, as he rose to meet her ever more insistently and wrapped his arms around her to pull himself more deeply into her. His eyelids fluttered open as he felt her teardrops, and again she saw the internal battle start to rage. Penny began to sob even as they continued to rock gently, sensually, back and forth. "I love you, Leonard. I will love you forever. Forever and ever. I love you so much." He kissed her deeply, longingly, trying to take away her pain and his memories.

They continued like this, with Penny sobbing and whispering over and over, "I love you," and Leonard holding her and kissing her between sobs and whispers. Eventually they were moving faster, more and more relentlessly, with greater and greater tension. Penny bore down harder, Leonard rose more strongly to meet her, as they drove themselves harder, spiraling upward. Her body was taut and covered with sweat as she continued to sob and declare her love until finally their bodies stiffened powerfully and with eyes wide open they stared into each other for what seemed like an eternity, then collapsed, exhausted.

Afterwards, as they lay in each other's arms, Penny looked into Leonard's eyes. "That was the most beautiful experience of my life," she whispered softly. "Thank you so much. How can I ever repay you?"

"If you can wait 30 to 40 minutes, I'll be happy to show you."

She shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Way to ruin the mood, lover." And they laughed.

Leonard leaned up on his elbow to look at his wife. "It was beautiful for me, too, Penny. You're beautiful. You're the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I don't ever want us to be apart. I don't want anything to drive us apart, ever again. I can't stand the thought that we spent so much time without being able to comfort each other."

Penny nodded, biting her lip. "I know. I asked myself every day why it was that the one person I needed most was the one person I couldn't have. But now I can. And I never want to let anything come between us again."

It was a long night.

END ACT TWO

* * *

 **Entr'acte**

 **A/N: The epigraph for this story is the lyrics to one of the most famous love songs of American musical theater, which serves as the prelude to a great love gone horribly astray. The lyrics are below. If you'd like to see one moving presentation (in semi-staged version) of the scene in question, search Youtube for "If I Loved You (Kelli O'Hara and Nathan Gunn)," the 12.32 minute version (yes, Live from Lincoln Center). Here are the lyrics to the song:**

 _ **If I loved you**_

 _ **Time and again I would try to say**_

 _ **All I'd want you to know**_

 _ **If I loved you**_

 _ **Words wouldn't come in an easy way**_

 _ **Round in circles I'd go**_

 _ **Longing to tell you but afraid and shy**_

 _ **I'd let my golden chances pass me by**_

 _ **Soon you'd leave me**_

 _ **Off you would go in the mist of day**_

 _ **Never, never to know**_

 _ **How I love you, if I loved you**_

 **"If I loved you," _Carousel_**


	27. Act Three: Recovery

**Entr'acte**

 **A/N: The epigraph for this story is the lyrics to one of the most famous love songs of American musical theater, which serves as the prelude to a great love gone horribly astray. The lyrics are below. If you'd like to see one moving presentation (in semi-staged version) of the scene in question, search Youtube for "If I Loved You (Kelli O'Hara and Nathan Gunn)," the 12.32 minute version (yes, Live from Lincoln Center). Here are the lyrics to the song:**

 _ **If I loved you**_

 _ **Time and again I would try to say**_

 _ **All I'd want you to know**_

 _ **If I loved you**_

 _ **Words wouldn't come in an easy way**_

 _ **Round in circles I'd go**_

 _ **Longing to tell you but afraid and shy**_

 _ **I'd let my golden chances pass me by**_

 _ **Soon you'd leave me**_

 _ **Off you would go in the mist of day**_

 _ **Never, never to know**_

 _ **How I love you, if I loved you**_

 **"If I loved you," _Carousel_**

* * *

ACT THREE

27\. Recovery

The next morning, a Monday, Penny awoke with a start as sun streamed through the window. Confused, for a split-second she started in horror, imagining herself back in another strange bed, on another morning. But immediately she realized where she was, and turned to see Leonard's eyes open slowly.

"Good morning, my love. It's a new day," she whispered to him.

He pulled her to himself and they picked up where they had left off a few hours earlier. Afterwards, he looked into her eyes with a gaze that she remembered so well, and that she had missed for so long. After a minute in which their eyes locked, he said to her, "Move in with me."

"Are you sure? It's so soon. I don't want to rush you into anything."

"I'm sure. You are my wife, and you're carrying our baby. You belong with me."

Penny kissed his eyes. "And you belong with me. Forever."

They lay there for another few minutes, and Leonard asked, "So, what would you like to do, on this first day of the rest of our lives together?"

"Don't you have to go to work?"

"Have to? No. Want to? Definitely no. The lab can take care of itself for a day. Today is all yours. Ours. Maybe we can move some more of your things over? And move you into the bedroom. _Our_ bedroom."

"Sounds good to me," Penny agreed. "Really good." But she saw the clock, and jumped a bit in alarm. "Oh! I have Dr. Gallo at 10. That's just 45 minutes from now. Sweetheart, let me take a quick shower and go to my session. I'll be back before noon. Sorry! But these sessions are really important."

"Of course! I'll be waiting here."

* * *

The next day was Tuesday. It was, in fact, the beginning of the last week of the Los Angeles run of _After the Fall._ Penny called Audrey first thing in the morning to see if she was free for lunch. They met at a place near Audrey's apartment. As soon as they sat down, Penny looked at Audrey with a big smile.

Audrey pounded the table with glee. "You guys are back together, aren't you?"

"Yep," Penny said simply.

"Don't think for a minute you're going to spare me a single detail, girl. Spill!"

And Penny gave Audrey an abbreviated version of the week's developments. Audrey had tears in her eyes as Penny finished. "You see, I told you all great love stories had a crisis somewhere. And that yours would have a happy ending."

"Still a ways to go, Audrey, it's still early. But yes, I think we made it. And I can't thank you enough for always being there for me."

Audrey looked down at the table, saying "The end of the run will be a little sad, won't it? I mean, it's been so great spending five days a week with you, Penny. I really love you, you know," and her eyes were still wet.

Penny covered Audrey's hand. "We'll always be friends, Audrey. You might need to come to Pasadena for the next few months – I think soon I'll be a little too big for a long drive. Plus you have a wedding coming up. And just think: in August we'll be in your home town together!"

Audrey smiled at that. "Where do you think you and Leonard will live? Near Columbia?"

"That's what he says, I guess there are faculty apartments. How about you and Jordan?"

"The Lincoln Center people are supposed to arrange something near there, on the West Side."

"Is that near Columbia?"

"Near enough," the New Yorker explained. "At most 20 minutes by subway. And by February we'll be back in _After the Fall_. I wonder if we can request adjoining dressing rooms?"

And the two made excited plans for the next year and a half.

For his part, Leonard did go into work Tuesday. More than anything, he wanted to spread the word to his friends. He stopped in to see Howard, Sheldon, and Raj, and told them that Penny had moved back in with him. All three were happy, and supportive. Sheldon was particularly positive.

"That's wonderful, Leonard. I'm really happy for you." He paused a moment, and continued, a little more sadly. "I suppose that means you and Penny won't be moving back into Apartment 4B."

"I'm sorry, Sheldon. But I promise, we'll visit often."

"I understand. Maybe you and Penny can come over for dinner Sunday? Actually, I have a better idea. I'll get back to you," he said mysteriously.

After Leonard left, Sheldon walked over to Howard's lab. "Do you think we could have a group get-together Sunday evening? I'd do it at our place, but I know Bernadette can't make it up the stairs any more. Amy and I can provide the food and drinks. I just thought it would be a nice way of welcoming Penny back into the fold."

Howard agreed, and they sent around invitations to the gang for Sunday dinner chez Wolowitz.

Howard must also have called Bernadette as soon as he heard the news, because she was on the phone to Penny later that day. And the first girls' gathering in months was arranged for the next morning. Amy played hooky, and Bernadette was now at work only sporadically, with her due date just a couple of weeks away. It would be at Bernadette's, given her difficulties moving around.

Penny arrived in the mid-morning to find Amy and Bernadette already there. When Bernadette answered the door, Penny's hand flew to her mouth as she burst out laughing. Bernadette looked like a little ball, the proverbial five feet high and five feet wide. The three exchanged warm hugs, and they sat on the couch, Penny sandwiched between the two women, ready to catch up.

But first Penny apologized. "I'm so sorry I didn't really try to stay in touch. I was just so overwhelmed with the show, and the pregnancy, and therapy, and with trying to make things work with Leonard." She looked down. "And I was so ashamed of myself. I couldn't bear to face you two. It made me sick just to imagine what you must have thought of me. What you must think of me still. I hope you know how sorry I am for everything."

Bernadette took Penny's hand and squeezed it. "Penny, we know how hard it's been for you. And we love you. So you had some hard times with Leonard. You guys worked it out, and you're both happy now. That's all that matters." Penny smiled at her gratefully.

"You are happy, bestie, aren't you?" Amy asked, worried. "You still look a little down."

Penny shook her head. "It's been such a hard few months. I mean, the show has been exhilarating, and we're excited about the baby. But I've been exhausted for weeks. And," she looked from one to the other, "I've never had to do anything as difficult in my life as trying to repair the damage I did. It's like I had to tear myself apart and then put myself back together, piece by piece. I feel ten years older. But a lot wiser, too."

Bernadette glanced at Amy. "Leonard was a wreck for the first couple of months. But he's been getting a lot better. I figured you guys were gradually working things out. I didn't want to pry too much, but he and Howard talk a lot and I got the sense you two were really trying. The couple's therapist has been helping?"

"A lot. It makes it easier to have a third person in the room. And he always seems to know how to steer the conversation so it accomplishes something."

Amy smiled at Penny. "Sheldon has missed you a lot. He was really angry at you, you know. Disappointed, maybe. But now I just think he wants to have his sister back. So do I," she said shyly.

Penny hugged Amy. "I'm so grateful you guys were there for Leonard. I don't know what he would have done without you."

Bernadette broke in. "OK, enough about the past. I want to know all the details of how you guys got back together."

"Right," Amy added. "That must have been some make-up sex, after four months!"

Penny laughed, and launched into a somewhat sanitized version of the past few weeks' events.

* * *

Even together again, both Leonard and Penny recognized that they still had a long way to go. They continued to see Dr. Stevens, just as Penny continued to see Dr. Gallo. And at their next session with Dr. Stevens, Leonard returned to a theme he had never really abandoned.

Leonard started. "I know you keep saying that these problems were all about you. But I still think there must have been something missing in our marriage. I mean," and he looked at her sympathetically, and said this as gently as he could, "a woman doesn't usually go outside her marriage if she's completely satisfied within it. And I want us to try to understand what could be improved in our relationship. Because I truly believe that something must have been missing."

Penny took a deep breath. "I know you think this. And if you think it's an issue, then it's an issue, no matter what I think."

"I do. And we've already been talking about it here. I think we can agree that we weren't all that great at communicating, before. I held back telling you some of the things on my mind. Maybe you were less willing to listen to me. And maybe you weren't telling me everything you were feeling, either."

Penny nodded. "All right, I can see that. And I accept that I should have made a bigger effort to listen, and also to talk about what was going on with me. But can I just say something about this? Because I think the problem started a long time ago."

She directed herself to Dr. Stevens. "For a lot of the time we've been together, I feel like Leonard has been afraid to say anything critical or anything that he felt might be a cause for disagreement. That was _not good._ I know that now. That meant lots of stuff got swept under the rug. So maybe we can try to get back on a healthier footing, where both of us can say what we mean to each other."

Leonard nodded agreement. "I think that's a good start. But it's not just about me being afraid to speak my mind. I don't feel like Penny made much effort to keep our lines of communication open. And maybe that contributed to things going wrong. I don't know, but I do know one thing: it goes both ways. It's not just about me telling Penny about my feelings, it's about her accepting them and also talking to me about them." He paused. "And especially, not getting mad at me for what I'm feeling."

Dr. Stevens broke in. "Can you elaborate on that, Leonard? On Penny getting angry with you for your feelings?"

He paused, looking cautiously at Penny. "I feel like whenever I raised something that was even a little critical, or just raised questions or concerns, Penny would get irritated. And if I pursued it, she'd get angry. And Penny angry is scary. I don't do well with anger in the first place, it just makes me upset and nervous; Penny being angry was nearly unbearable. So I would just drop things. Or maybe not even mention them if I thought they'd make Penny mad."

Penny looked on sadly. Dr. Stevens motioned to her to join in. "I recognize that. I know that I'm too quick to get frustrated or angry. But like Leonard said, it goes both ways. Leonard, you're a sensitive guy, and I love that about you. But sometimes you're too sensitive, too afraid of hurting my feelings. Practically the whole time we've known each other, when something is bothering you that you think will upset me, you tiptoe around me, trying to avoid conflict and spare my feelings. That's not good. It's not good for me, it's not good for us. I have to guess what's bothering you, what's making you sad or angry or jealous or worried."

Dr. Stevens commented. "It seems as though both of you have been frustrated for similar reasons. Leonard feels that Penny doesn't listen to him calmly when he brings up things that bother him; and Penny feels that Leonard doesn't bring up things that bother him enough. So you both want the same thing: an environment in which you can speak freely about your concerns. Right?"

They both agreed. But Leonard wanted to add something. "That's mostly about me, I guess. But I really feel that Penny needs to tell me more about what's going on with her. These past few months have been different, because of everything we've been dealing with. But before that, and a little now, I don't feel that Penny is willing to say what's really on her mind. I'm not sure why, but that's how I feel." He looked at Penny, nervously now. "And like I said before, I think her holding her feelings in, or at least not letting me in on them, may have had something to do with her starting to feel like she wasn't all that committed to me."

Leonard stopped, then resolved to dive ahead. "You know, when she was talking last week about the conflict between her life with me and her life in the theater, that was pretty much the first time I heard about it. If I understand what she was saying, this had been bothering her for a week or more before, you know….And by the time it all happened, she was in a state of real distress and confusion. But she never mentioned it to me; all she said the night before was that she was worried about being fired. I have to believe that was part of the problem. Maybe if we had talked about it more openly, things would have been different?"

Penny looked down, flustered and a little upset. Dr. Stevens asked her gently, "What do you think of that, Penny?"

She composed herself. "I guess that's right. I mean, I don't know what might have happened. But the more general point, about not telling Leonard what's going on with me, it's definitely something I have to work on. I mean, I really don't believe it had anything to do with what happened. But I realize that I'm not necessarily the most emotionally open person."

Penny looked down. "Part of it is that I don't think I spent much time thinking about these things, about what I wanted, about how I was really feeling. It sounds like a cliché, but I wasn't in touch with my own feelings a lot of the time. My own therapy is helping. So is this couple's therapy. And of course everything we've been going through makes it pretty clear that I need to get a better handle on my emotions."

She turned to Leonard. "I want to tell you everything, Leonard. I don't want any secrets. I want to share the things I'm discovering about myself with you. And I hope you'll do the same. I'm sorry if I gave you the impression I was hiding things from you."

"Not hiding, exactly," Leonard clarified. "But also not telling me everything on your mind. And sometimes that leaves me trying to guess what's bothering you. I hate that."

Penny shook her head, as Dr. Stevens summarized again. "Well, we're back talking about the need to communicate. I think you can keep this in mind; and perhaps next time we can go over some techniques to improve communication."

They walked out in silence. Penny leaned on Leonard as they walked to the car. When they got there, she buried her head in Leonard's chest, holding tight to him. After a couple of minutes she looked up. "I want you to know everything, my love. I'm sorry I've been bad about that. And I feel terrible about making it hard for you to talk to me. This all has to change."

Leonard stroked her hair and kissed her eyes. "It's both of us, Penny. Definitely both of us. We have to work at this. We're past the point where it was about seeing whether we wanted to be together. I think we know we want to. But we need to be together, better. Better than ever. And that's on both of us."

Penny looked up at Leonard with eyes full of love. She kissed him passionately, and they got into the car to head home, and then off to their respective workplaces.

* * *

The play's triumphant run was coming rapidly to a close. Penny had told Diane and George the news about her and Leonard, and they had been delighted. As it was the last week, Leonard decided to go to the Thursday performance. He came backstage a half-hour before the show to see Penny, and to make the rounds of Audrey, Diane, and George, all of whom were equally supportive.

After the performance, Leonard and Penny walked out the stage door into the Westwood evening, with a little December chill in the air. Leonard held Penny close. A few yards away from the theater, she stopped him.

"Leonard," she said seriously. "I want you to know something. These last five or six months have been very difficult, for both of us. But you've been so wonderful. And I feel like we've never been closer."

Leonard simply reached for her, and they kissed softly, and at length, leaning against the brickwork.

Penny looked up to see Diane and George walking toward them, arm in arm. The older couple wandered over to where Leonard and Penny were standing.

George stopped. "It's great to see you kids together. I want to say that I think you two are really something. Penny, you've got so much talent – and you've been such a great presence in the company. It's been a pleasure getting to know you both. And I hope we see a lot more of you in the future."

Penny was squeezing Leonard tightly as George spoke, and Diane was eyeing him with a bemused expression. She nodded. "George speaks for both of us. You're both great people, and you make a beautiful couple."

* * *

Saturday was the last performance. Penny was sad the run was ending, but also a little relieved. She was getting far enough along in the pregnancy to begin to worry about its effects on her mobility, and her stamina. And having more time to spend with Leonard was definitely welcome.

Sunday afternoon, the cast and crew gathered at the theater for the traditional strike party. It was predictably bittersweet. However, Diane called the cast together to remind them that, if all went well, she expected a reunion in New York within a little more than a year's time. As they broke up, the cast and crew bid good-bye to each other, sometimes tearfully.

Penny drove back to Pasadena and Leonard, and they headed to the Wolowitz home for Penny's first true dinner back with her friends. She was nervous about seeing everyone, but Leonard assured her that it would be a relaxed occasion.

When they arrived, the rest of gang was already there. Sheldon and Raj greeted Penny warmly, Howard a bit less warmly. Amy was already in the kitchen to help Bernadette with dinner, and Penny joined them.

"So, how's it going?" Bernadette looked at Penny smiling.

Penny planted her feet and sang, off-key as usual, "We found love in a hopeless place, We found love in a hopeless place, We found –"

"OK, OK, Rihanna!" Bernadette interrupted, wincing. "We get it. I used to like that song…."

Penny pouted, as Sheldon barged in, looking concerned. "Is everything all right in here? We heard screaming."

The three women laughed, and Bernadette reassured Sheldon: "Everything's fine, Sheldon. Penny was channeling her inner Rihanna."

"Is that some kind of yoga thing?" Sheldon asked, eyes narrowed at Penny.

"She's a singer, sweetie," Penny said. Sheldon nodded and turned to leave. "Wait!" Penny called after him. "I want to give you a kiss." She looked over to Amy, who smiled and nodded her consent.

"A kiss? Why?" Sheldon said, confused.

"Because I love you, silly. And because you helped Leonard so much. And because you were always rooting for us, weren't you?"

Sheldon looked down sheepishly. "Yes."

Penny walked over to the tall scientist and kissed him gently on the cheek. "That's for everything, Sheldon. And to congratulate you for deciding to tie the knot with Amy."

Sheldon flashed a shy smile at her and left.

Out in the living room, while Raj and Howard argued over some issue in the logic of superpowers, Sheldon and Leonard stood in a corner talking quietly.

"So you two are really back together?" Sheldon said.

"We are," Leonard said.

"Thank goodness," Sheldon said simply. "What we talked about before, in my office: how do you feel about it now? Do you think it's for good this time?"

"I hope so, buddy. We're doing our best. Marriage isn't always easy, you know."

Sheldon looked a little sick. "I think you might have chosen a more diplomatic way of saying that to a man about to marry. But I know you're right. Leonard, I've been worried about you. And about Penny. You haven't looked like yourself for a long time now."

"Oh?" Leonard made light, "Who have I looked like?"

"You know what I mean. But you look better now. And Penny finally looks a little like her old self. A little heavier, though."

Leonard realized with a shock that only Bernadette – and, by extension, Howard – knew about the pregnancy.

"I think she's fine, Sheldon. And we're going to work hard to get back to a much better place."

"I'm glad. I know it won't be across the hall, but I'm glad that you two are going to be happy. And together."

Leonard excused himself to call Penny aside from the kitchen. They consulted quickly and went back to their respective friends.

Leonard pulled Sheldon aside for a more private conversation. "Sheldon, are you sure you don't want to come to Tokyo with me in June? It's a really big deal, and it's _our_ work, after all."

"The prize is for _you_ , Leonard, for the empirical applications and extensions. You should enjoy it. Anyway, you know how I feel about airplanes. I've already spent three months at the North Pole; I have no desire to crash land there."

"Come on, buddy, you know quite well the great circle from LA to Tokyo goes nowhere near the North Pole."

"Even worse. I have no desire to end up in freezing waters off the Aleutians."

Leonard sighed. "Sheldon, you know the chances of that are infinitesimal."

"Infinitesimal's not zero, Leonard."

"All right, I give up. But it'll be fun, and you'll miss it."

"We have different definitions of the word 'fun,' Leonard, as if you didn't already know that."

Leonard smiled, but plowed ahead. "Sheldon, there's something else. It's about New York."

"I know, I know, Amy already explained to me that the play will be going there and we figure you will be too."

"Well, that's right. But there's more. I've been offered the Pupin visiting chair at Columbia for the academic year. We haven't decided yet – I have a fly-out in January – but there's a good chance we might go for the whole academic year."

Sheldon's face fell. "I can't imagine why you would want to spend even more time in that cesspool of a city when you could be here," he said, shaking his head.

"Sheldon, you've never even been there. I know your mother thinks it's the root of all evil, but since when do you share your mother's moral views? Anyway, it's a great city and a great opportunity. I just wanted you to hear about the possibility from me."

"All right. Thanks, I guess." He looked at Leonard. "I'll miss you. I already miss you a lot." He lowered his voice. "It's not the same with just Amy there."

Leonard took note. "Are things all right with you two? You both seem really happy."

"We are. I am," Sheldon sighed. "But it's intense. She's always there."

"Buddy, of course she's always there. She lives with you. And that's not going to change once you get married. Listen, this is a longer conversation. Maybe we should table it for later. But I think you have to focus on the good stuff, that the woman you love is with you now, and always will be."

"I guess," Sheldon said, a little doubtfully.

The women emerged from the kitchen to announce that dinner was ready. Penny looked at Leonard and nodded imperceptibly. So before everyone headed for the dining room, Leonard asked for attention, and made the announcement of Penny's pregnancy. There was great rejoicing.

"Thank goodness," Sheldon said, relieved. "I thought she was getting fat."

"Sheldon!" Amy warned sharply, as the rest rolled their eyes.

"What? Pregnant is better than fat."

Penny smiled at him. "Yes, sweetie, pregnant is better. And just think, soon you'll be an uncle to _two_ babies. Isn't that exciting?"

Sheldon looked decidedly unexcited.

As they broke from the table after dinner, Sheldon sat next to Penny on the Wolowitz's couch. "It's good to see you back, Penny," Sheldon said seriously.

"Wonderful to see you, Sheldon."

"You hurt Leonard terribly. I'm sure you realize that."

"I do, Sheldon. I'm so sorry," Penny said.

"You know," Sheldon continued, looking at her intently, "Leonard may not be perfect. But he's a very good person, somebody who really cares about others. Whatever his faults may have been, whatever his faults may still be, I don't think he deserved –"

Penny closed her eyes, trying not to fall apart. Sheldon's voice was practically breaking, and the reminder of the pain she had caused everyone was nearly unbearable.

"Are you all right, Penny?" Sheldon asked, concerned.

She opened her eyes. "I'm just sad, Sheldon. Sad that I hurt Leonard so much, and hurt you too. And you're right. Leonard is a wonderful person, and he deserves better than me. But I'm going to do everything I can to try to make him happy."

Sheldon nodded. "Good. He needs that. There were times, especially that first month, when I was really worried about him. He seems better now. But you still look sad," he observed.

Penny sighed. "I'm happier than I've been in months. We're getting our groove back, but it's still hard. I'm just so glad to see you, though."

"I'm glad to see you, too. I've missed you. It's not the same without you and Leonard across the hall. But I know you had to move in with him. It made sense. And now Leonard says you might be gone all next year. I'm really going to miss you two."

Penny's heart went out to her gentle friend. "I'm sorry, Sheldon. Everything got a little messed up. But we'll try to make it up to you. And the opportunities in New York are really too good to pass up, for both Leonard and me. Maybe you'll come visit?"

Sheldon shuddered. "I don't think I'm made for New York. So crowded, so many people riding in a hole in the ground, so much noise and bright lights."

"OK, sweetie, I understand. It's only a year. And maybe we'll come back to visit a few times."

"That would be nice."

As everyone left, Amy reminded them all that they were all invited to decorate the Apartment 4A Christmas tree, on the morning of Christmas Eve. Sheldon winced, but it was clear that Amy had won on this one.


	28. Starting over

28\. Starting over

As Leonard left the apartment the following Wednesday morning, Penny remarked, "I have an appointment with Dr. Grossman this afternoon."

"Oh," Leonard said. Then, thinking, "That's in Santa Monica. Do you want to get together over on the West Side for dinner or something afterwards?"

"No, not really," Penny said, a little curtly, Leonard thought.

"Well, good luck, then," he said, kissing her as he left for work. Throughout the day he tried to figure out what Penny might be upset about, but nothing occurred to him. He asked her when he got home.

"How'd the appointment go?"

"Everything's fine," Penny answered, and again Leonard sensed an edge.

"Hey, is something wrong?" Leonard asked.

"Maybe just hormones," she shrugged.

But Leonard decided to pursue the issue at their session the next morning with Dr. Stevens.

"Penny's angry or upset about something, and she won't tell me why," he began, bluntly.

"Penny?" the doctor prompted her.

"Oh, all right," Penny sighed. "Leonard has not come to _one single_ doctor's appointment with me since I got pregnant. Not one. I mean, he keeps saying he's with me, he'll be with me, but he hasn't even made the effort to come with me to see the doctor." Her voice was tightening as she spoke. "So is it all just talk? Am I in this all by myself? Because that's how it feels."

Before the doctor could even ask for Leonard's view, he broke in. "Right, right. So how about those first three or four or five or six doctor's appointments? Like the one where you confirmed you were pregnant? And the ones where you got the first ultrasound? And the ones when you had morning sickness? Did you even _tell_ me about them? Talk about being by myself!" And now his anger was taking over. "I'm the _father_ , for Christ's sake! You didn't even tell me I was going to have a child. You didn't let me participate _at all_. You didn't tell me when you were having trouble. Nothing! So, OK, if that's the way you want it, you're on your own!"

Penny stared at him in shock. "What do you mean, on my own?! I _told_ you why I didn't let you know I was pregnant, I didn't want you to get back together with me out of some misplaced sense of duty. And as for the morning sickness, I didn't want you to worry," she continued scornfully, "you always worry about everything and I didn't need that."

"I worry because things can go wrong! And I have a right to be involved. I had a right to be involved from the start," Leonard continued, furious and upset. "I don't care what you thought or how you imagined I might react. You kept just about the most important thing in my entire life from me – and even then you didn't tell me, I had to weasel it out of you!"

"Whoa, whoa," Dr. Stevens broke in, trying to calm the waters. "Let's dial it down a little. This could be a teachable moment."

"What do you mean?" Leonard said bitterly.

"He means," Penny said sarcastically, "we might be able to teach you something. I thought you were supposed to be the smart one."

"Hold on, hold on," the doctor continued, trying to pacify them. "Why don't you both take a deep breath and just listen to me for a minute."

The two looked at each other, fuming, then back at the doctor.

"Each of you is upset. And each of you is upset for a reason. Instead of being angry at each other, why don't you try to tell each other why you're upset. Penny, you go first."

"I'm angry as hell with you, Leonard, because you have continually ignored all my hints about coming to the doctor with me. I shouldn't have to beg you, I shouldn't even have to ask you, you should _want_ to come – you're the father, damn it."

Dr. Stevens stopped her. "Why don't we try something different. Penny, why don't you try to tell Leonard how you feel about his not coming with you?"

"I feel angry, I just said!"

"All right, but why don't you give him a little detail. Let me get you started. You can say, "When you don't come with me to the doctor, I feel…."" And he motioned to her.

Penny rolled her eyes. "OK, OK. When you don't come with me to the doctor, Leonard, I feel…I feel like I'm doing this all alone. I feel like you don't care about how the pregnancy is going, and what's happening to my body, and that it's getting harder to walk, and that I'm worried that I look ugly." She was getting a little emotional as she spoke. "And I feel like maybe you _aren't_ ready to be with me, whatever you may say, and that we _aren't_ going to be able to raise our child together." And now she was full of despair. "And I feel like I just can't take not knowing how you really feel about me, and about the baby, and about us and…" but she stopped now, not wanting to break into tears. She looked helplessly at the doctor, then at Leonard, who was staring at her with his mouth open.

"Penny, I had no idea. I'm so sorry, that's terrible. Of course –"

But Dr. Stevens interrupted. "OK, you can react in a bit. But now I want you to try, Leonard. You were upset because Penny hadn't told you about the pregnancy, or about some of her early visits to the doctor. Why don't you do the same: "When I think about you not telling me about the pregnancy, I feel…."" And he cued Leonard.

Leonard looked at Penny, still a bit guilty but starting to remember why he was angry. "I feel like you kept me from even knowing about an incredibly important event in my life. Like you excluded me from something I had every right to be a part of. Like you were ignoring my feelings, all over again. I feel like it was almost another betrayal, that I had a child on the way and I didn't even know it. And I feel like you had so little concern for me that you were willing to just ignore my rights to know about _our_ baby, about what was going to be happening to me. That you decided not to tell me without even thinking of how it would affect me." And Leonard's voice was almost desperate now. "I felt like I was less than a person, to be a father and not know it, for my own wife not to tell me that we were having a baby, I felt like less than nothing, like –"

And the doctor interrupted him. Now it was Penny's turn to be open-mouthed.

"Leonard, I never meant for it to hurt you like that –"

Dr. Stevens quieted her. "I think you can see the issue here. At least I hope so. Penny, what would you say about what just happened?"

Penny looked down in despair. She had failed, yet again. Another failure to think how her actions might affect Leonard; another failure to think why Leonard might be acting the way he was. "I never bothered to try to understand what Leonard might be thinking, or feeling. Why he might be behaving like he was. I just jumped to conclusions and got angry. Wow, that was really bad."

"Leonard?" the doctor asked.

Leonard nodded thoughtfully. "My bad, too. If we had just told each other what we were experiencing…If I'd just told Penny how hurt I was, I'm sure she would have made things clearer to me. And if she'd told me how upset she was that I wasn't going to the doctor, I would have gone in a heartbeat."

"Good," the doctor said, satisfied. "As we've been saying, communication."

The couple walked out of the doctor's office arm in arm, leaning into each other and lost in thought. As they got into Leonard's car, they kissed each other at length. Penny spoke first. "I want you to tell me everything, my love. And I want you to tell me everything, too."

"And I want to tell you. But you have to try not to get angry with what I say. And I always want to know what you're feeling, too – before you get angry," Leonard replied. "Deal?"

"Deal."

* * *

Leonard and Penny arrived at Apartment 4A at 10 AM on Christmas Eve to help with the tree. Raj came in soon after. As they were still getting to work, Leonard received a call from Howard.

"Bernadette's in labor!" he shouted excitedly. "I'm taking her in right now! We'll let you know when the baby is born."

Leonard put his phone down and announced the news to the troops. Over the course of the day, Howard sent out regular texts about progress. At 9.15 PM on Christmas Eve, came a text announcing the birth of Rachel Marie Wolowitz, 6 lbs. 10 oz. Mother and daughter were resting comfortably.

As the group talked excitedly, Leonard called Howard and put it on speaker so that they could give a big group "Congratulations" to the couple. Leonard picked up the phone and talked privately to Howard to get more details. He also asked whether, and when, they could visit. Howard said that the doctors were discharging them around noon the next day, and told Leonard that people could come over around 3 PM.

Christmas Day, at 3 PM on the dot, Leonard and Penny drove up to the Wolowitz residence. Howard opened the door and Leonard gave him a huge hug. His attitude toward Penny was still a little reserved. But with the birth, Howard was practically jumping with excitement. He ushered them into the nursery he had designed himself. Bernadette was in a rocking chair, with her daughter in her arms.

"Rachel," she said, "meet your Aunt Penny and Uncle Leonard." She was, Penny and Leonard noted, absolutely radiant, and Howard had never seemed so happy. As the new aunt and uncle held the baby, Howard regaled them with stories of the birth.

"Rachel Marie," he said. "Rachel for the Jews, Marie for the Catholics. We were going to name her Rachel Marie Wolowitz-Rostenkowski, but it didn't fit on the birth certificate. So it's just Rachel WR, like Louis CK," he joked.

Bernadette looked up at them. "Howard says her birthday, December 24th, must be fate. Because Hanukkah and Christmas Eve are on the same day this year."

"Right!" Howard said. "And just think of how important the last Jew born on Christmas was!"

Leonard flinched, and Penny rolled her eyes, but Howard's innocent enthusiasm was contagious. The men went off to talk, leaving Bernadette and Penny alone with Rachel.

Bernadette waited until they were out of the room, then said conspiratorially, "Penny, I have just one word for you: epidural. Forget that natural crap. It was almost completely painless. Meanwhile the girls in the next rooms were screaming bloody murder."

Penny looked a little surprised. "I thought you wanted a natural childbirth? I was figuring on that for myself, too."

"Well," Bernadette said, "I read up and there's really no advantage. Plus, when you get wheeled in and hear the women cursing like sailors, you might have second thoughts. I did, and I don't regret it."

It gave Penny something to think about. A few minutes later the rest of their friends arrived and the house was full of people, admiring the baby and Howard's nursery. But by 5 PM visiting hours at the W-R residence were over, and they dispersed.

* * *

The holiday season was quiet, as the couple spent virtually all day, every day, together. They felt a bit like they were getting to know one another all over again. For both of them had been changed by the experience of the previous six months – not just the separation, but also what had happened to them in the interim.

Penny was on the way to what appeared to be a very promising acting career. They went together to meetings with her agent, and her publicist, and the prospects were truly exciting – and a little frightening. The screen tests for Sam Rubin seemed to have gone well, and Diane had promised Penny more details about the movie within a few weeks. Penny's burgeoning career was exhilarating, but as she told Leonard, there was something comforting about the possibility of working with Diane again.

And Leonard's work was also going extraordinarily well. Even over the break, he and Sheldon continued to polish their follow-on papers, and they posted them right before the new year. The Tokyo symposium was in place, and their plans for New York were solidifying, with an initial visit coming in early January. Leonard was also talking very regularly with Hayley in New York, and reveling in his new-found relationship with his sister.

They were back together. However, Penny could feel the well of sadness in Leonard, just as she knew he could feel it in her. They never talked about it: now they concentrated on moving forward, on building a stronger marriage and preparing for the growth of their family. But some nights Penny would awaken to find Leonard gone from the bed. The first time this happened, she crept out to the living room to see him standing by the sliding-glass door, his arms clasped behind his back, looking like the captain of a ship navigating his way home. She knew it would be too intrusive to ask what he was thinking, and in any case she was pretty sure she knew, so she just snuck back to the bedroom and waited for him in bed, worried about her man.

That first night, and every night afterwards when this happened, she pretended to wake up as he returned to bed. And she did the only thing she could think of to try to soothe his mind. She kissed him, told him how much she loved him, and made love to him. And yet Penny knew that Leonard was still devastated by the knowledge of her betrayal, just as she was devastated by the knowledge of his devastation. She hoped that with the passage of time the awful flames would die out. In the meanwhile, she would comfort him, and do everything in her power to show him the love he deserved. It might not be much, but it was the best she could do.

After a quiet New Year's Eve at the Wolowitzes, with the rest of the group, they prepared for their trip to New York City. For Penny, it would be the first time out of California in ten years, with the exception of visits home to Nebraska and a few quick trips to Las Vegas.


	29. New York, New York

29\. New York, New York

As they waited for their luggage at Kennedy Airport, Leonard looked around for the limo driver Hayley had arranged. He had on his phone some notes she had sent him, with instructions about the route she had arranged and some ideas for him to give Penny a good first impression of the city.

At the other end of the baggage claim area, Leonard saw someone holding a sign with his name on it. Leonard waved, and the sign-holder headed their way. As he got closer, they saw a young man, probably mid-twenties, at least 6'6", in a dark suit. As he reached them, he took off his mirror sunglasses and extended his hand to Leonard and nodded curtly at Penny. "I'm Guido. You must be Dr. Hofstadter's brother and sister-in-law." Just then their bags appeared, and Guido picked them up. "I got these," he said, brooking no disagreement. Guido had what Leonard placed as a classic Brooklyn accent with no personal familiarity with a soft "th," and the borough's typical swagger. "She's arranged a real nice ride for you two." He turned and strutted away holding their two bags in one hand as if they were full of feathers.

Penny grabbed Leonard's arm and whispered, "He's like something out of a movie." Leonard smiled.

They exited the building and were hit with a blast of cold air, for which both were unprepared. Guido looked back and saw their shock at the cold. "I hope you folks have winter clothes in here," he said, gesturing toward the suitcases. "It's been a pretty mild winter, but mild for New York is a lot colder than you'll be used to in LA."

Penny and Leonard nodded quickly and followed Guido, shivering, to the garage. They got into a Lincoln Town Car and started off. Guido explained, "We're going to take the scenic route, so that Mrs. Hofstadter there can see a little bit of the greatest city on earth. We gotta move fast, before it gets dark."

They headed out onto the highway and Guido began to explain things to Penny.

"We're going to go around the coast, you get some nice views that way. We're about to leave Queens, where the airport is, and enter Brooklyn. You know, Brooklyn would be the fourth largest city in the country. "

Penny looked out the window. "I didn't think there'd be so much water. It doesn't even look like a city at all."

Guido smiled. "This part is pretty far out. What you're seeing is protected wetlands. Sometimes my friends and I take a boat out here to fish and you could be in the middle of nowhere – except for the airplanes landing a half-mile away."

Penny pointed to her left. "Is that the ocean? The Atlantic? I've never seen it!"

"Yes, that's the Atlantic. And the beach there is Manhattan Beach. Next to it is Coney Island."

"Hey, they have a Manhattan Beach here, too," Penny said to Leonard. "Just like in LA."

"Somehow," Leonard said gently, "I think maybe theirs came first."

"Oh. Right," Penny said, embarrassed.

Leonard hugged her. "It's all right. I'm glad you're so excited."

Just then they passed under a trestle as a subway train rumbled overhead. Penny looked startled. "I thought the subway was underground?"

Guido explained, "It's an el out here. That's the B train."

"What's an el? Where does it go?"

"An elevated train. It's when the subway is above ground. And all the trains, pretty much, go to Manhattan. That's where everybody works. And nobody lives."

"What do you mean?" Penny asked, perplexed. "Isn't that where Hayley lives?"

"I'm kidding," Guido said. "But most people don't live in Manhattan. It's too expensive, for one thing. Only about a million and a half people there."

"Only?" Penny said.

"Well, there are 25 million people in the metropolitan area, nine million in the city. So that's not many in Manhattan. But that's where people go to work, or do things. Like theater," and Guido looked back at Penny.

They followed the shoreline until they came to an enormous suspension bridge stretching off toward the sunset. "Verrazano Narrows Bridge, connects Brooklyn to Staten Island," Guido identified it.

Penny followed the bridge across the harbor. Guido continued to explain. "That's the New York harbor. On the other side, past Staten Island, is New Jersey."

"That's where you're from, Leonard!" Penny exclaimed.

"My condolences, Dr. Hofstadter," Guido said to Leonard.

Leonard laughed. "Leonard, please. And I couldn't agree more."

"Brooklyn Docks, folks. Red Hook. Ever seen _On the Waterfront_ , with Brando? That's where it was supposed to take place. Actually, it was filmed in Hoboken, over in Jersey."

After a few more minutes, Guido turned to Penny: "Scoot over to the left side and keep your eyes open as we make this turn."

The car went into a large curve and all of a sudden they were almost directly opposite lower Manhattan. It was as if the mass of skyscrapers had risen suddenly out of the water before her eyes. Manhattan appeared to be a flat sheet, floating on the glistening water. The island's enormous towers seemed balanced delicately upon a huge raft. On the left side a small park huddled incongruously, green against the mass of steel and glass. The sun reflected off the buildings and shimmered on the water, highlighting a massive orange ferry as it headed toward a landing. The harbor teemed with smaller ferries headed to or from Manhattan on the New Jersey side, while a passenger liner made its way out toward the ocean.

Penny caught her breath.

"It's beautiful…."

Guido nodded. "Best view there is. We're in Brooklyn Heights. Statue of Liberty off to the left. You can see the Staten Island ferry docking. Great view on it, too, and it's free. That's the financial district – Wall Street. Where the money is."

And now three enormous bridges came into view. They headed off the highway and onto the first of them.

"Brooklyn Bridge, finished 1883. First real suspension bridge ever. Next is the Manhattan Bridge, then the Williamsburg Bridge. Then up farther is the 59th Street Bridge. Like the Simon and Garfunkel song."

Penny watched in wonder as the car headed across the bridge, rising up an incline that took them hundreds of feet over the river. Manhattan lay ahead of them, soaring above the bridge. She felt like she was riding a roller coaster up along the bridge, then down into a Grand Canyon of marble, brick and concrete. They headed down the heights of the bridge into Manhattan with the city spread out in front of them. Buildings modern and historic stretched as far as she could see along the river, to the right and to the left. Now they were on a highway in Manhattan, along the river.

"Is this the Hudson River?" Penny asked Leonard.

"No, the East River. The Hudson is on the other side. You'll see it from Hayley's apartment, I think."

"United Nations building ahead of you," Guido interrupted. "You'll get a better view as we exit." And now they were on the city streets.

"This is 42nd Street," Leonard said, looking at the notes Hayley had provided, on his phone. Guido looked back at him, and Leonard nodded to indicate that he wanted to provide some of the commentary.

"Fifth Avenue," he said as they crossed it. "The shopping district is up to the right." He looked at Penny, surprised that she hadn't said anything about shopping. But he saw that she was completely in awe of what she was seeing. Speechless, for a change, he thought with a smile. He squeezed her hand, and Penny looked at him with the eyes of a child.

"We're going to live here," she whispered. "I can't believe it."

Guido pointed to the left. "New York Public Library. The two lions in front are Patience and Fortitude. Legend has it they roar whenever a virgin passes." He paused a beat. "Haven't roared yet."

The couple laughed, and Leonard said quickly, "Guido, cross Broadway slowly, OK?" Guido nodded.

As they came up to Broadway Leonard pulled Penny to the right side of the car. "Look up there. Times Square."

The car crossed Broadway stuck in rush-hour traffic, inching along. But this was fine for Penny, as she got her first view of the entertainment district. Dusk was just starting to fall, but the area was already blazing with lights, animations, and theater marquees. And it seemed like there were ten thousand people on the sidewalks, along the streets, thronging the area. She could see street performers peppered around the square – an Uncle Sam on stilts, a Statue of Liberty with a lighted torch. Winter weather didn't seem to limit the crowds, although everyone was bundled against the cold. Up several blocks was a huge red stairway in the middle of the Square, crawling with people, lines snaking around it. And above that an enormous screen showing music videos. Beyond it a multi-story model of an M+Ms bag, next to it a three-story Hershey's bar. She lowered the window, eager for the full experience. Cold air blasted them, but Penny kept the window open, mesmerized, as the car was immediately enveloped in a wall of sound, like the roar of a stadium crowd cheering. But it was constant, never letting up: the sound of thousands of people getting ready for another night in the theater district.

"Wow," she whispered, yet again.

"Turning up Eighth Avenue, folks," Guido advised, as the car made a right turn, plowing through teeming masses of pedestrians.

Leonard pointed Penny to the right. "The Broadway theaters are on the side streets here, in the 40s, between Broadway and Eighth."

Penny peered down the streets. On every block, it seemed, there were a half-dozen theater marquees. She saw the names of theaters and shows she had only heard about, and dreamed of: Fiddler on the Roof, Wicked, Book of Mormon, Chicago, Hamilton, on and on. Every street had more theaters. And every street was filled with people, street vendors, and…

"Horses!" she said in surprise, spotting two policemen on their steeds, the horses' breaths steaming white in the cold air. Leonard nodded, and Guido explained.

"The police use horses around here. Can't get very far in a car in this traffic."

Penny watched the streets go by, a dozen of them, all filled with theaters. "I had no idea there were so many theaters."

"And that's just Broadway, ma'am," Guido said. "40 in the theater district. Plus another couple hundred off-Broadway. I figure that means that on any given night there are 50,000 people seeing a Broadway show, another 50,000 off-Broadway. Twice that on matinee days."

"Wow," Penny whispered, again.

Guido turned toward her again. "Do you know where your play will be opening, ma'am?"

Penny started in surprise. "Um, how did you know about that?"

"I drive for Dr. Hofstadter and Mr. Harrison a lot, so when I saw the review in the _Times,_ I figured there had to be a connection; it's not that common a name. Then when Dr. Hofstadter asked me to pick you guys up, I went back and looked at the review again. Bradley certainly had nice things to say about you, ma'am. I guess it is coming to New York, then?"

"We think so," Penny said. "And call me Penny. But we're here now because my husband has an offer of a visiting professorship in Physics at Columbia," she said proudly.

"Coupla overachievers, you two," Guido said admiringly. "I don't think I'd understand your lectures, Doc, but I'll definitely come to see you, ma'am."

Guido continued. "Now this is Columbus Circle. Central Park starts off to your right. And coming up on your left is Lincoln Center."

As the car idled at a stop light, they looked over to the left to see a complex of enormous gleaming-white neoclassical marble buildings. The water from a huge fountain rose and fell, the lights shimmering as the water danced and children ran around, delighted by the interplay of water and light.

"The big central building's the Metropolitan Opera. And those are the Chagall murals," Guido continued. He pointed to two huge paintings on either side of the central opera house.

"Lincoln Center. That's where Jordan's going to be!" Penny said excitedly. "I have a friend who's going to be in a show there," she explained.

"Opera?" Guido asked.

"No, a musical."

"Oh, is he doing _Carousel_ at the Beaumont in the fall? I really want to see that. I've seen all their Rodgers and Hammerstein revivals, they're amazing."

Penny shook her head. This was a limo driver who seemed to know more about the theater than she did. Leonard looked at her and sensed her feeling of inadequacy.

"See much theater, Guido?" Leonard asked.

"As much as I can afford, usually on rush or Today Tix. Do some acting myself. Mostly TV, mostly at the Stern Studios, in the Brooklyn Navy Yard. Just when I can get something. Nothing like yourself, ma'am, I've got a long way to go," Guido said, his voice full of respect.

Penny glanced at Leonard. "A year ago I'd given up acting, Guido. So you never can tell. We might be coming to see you in something soon."

They continued up Broadway another ten minutes, made a couple of turns, and stopped. "Here you are, folks. Listen, it's been a pleasure. Here's my card. If you ever need a driver in town, let me know. And, Mrs. Hofstadter, break a leg!"

* * *

They unloaded in front of a large 1920s apartment building across from a park. As they stood on the sidewalk, shivering again, Penny looked up and saw through the leafless trees in the park a wide body of water. "So that's the Hudson?"

"Yep," Leonard said, as a man in a uniform approached them from inside the building.

"Can I help you?"

"Dr. and Mrs. Hofstadter," Leonard said.

"Oh, your sister is expecting you. Can I help you with your bags?"

"We're good," Leonard said, as they followed the man inside and to an elevator. He stepped in, pressed a button, then stepped out and held the door for them.

"Eighteen, on the right." And he spoke into a lapel mic as he turned away. "Dr. Hofstadter, your brother and sister-in-law are on the way up."

After the door closed, Penny turned to Leonard. "Who was he?"

"Doorman," Leonard explained. "Most of these buildings have doormen on duty 24 hours. Sort of like a front desk, I suppose."

The elevator stopped at 18, and the couple pushed their bags out of the elevator and into the hallway. Off to the right, the door to Apartment 18D was already open, and a strikingly elegant woman with long brown hair and glasses stood in the doorway with a huge smile on her face. Penny could barely see a couple of younger faces peering out from behind the doorway.

Hayley strode quickly to Leonard and embraced him tightly. "Oh my God, Leonard, it's really you. It's so wonderful to see you. And you look so good. So grown up!"

Leonard blushed and hugged Hayley back. Penny was sure she saw tears in both their eyes as she stood there enjoying the very warm family moment. But Hayley turned to her.

"And you're Penny. We're so happy to finally meet you." She gave Penny a big hug, too, looking at Leonard. "Hey, little brother, I know you said she was wonderful, but you didn't tell me how beautiful she was." It was Penny's turn to blush now.

Hayley led them into the apartment, as the three children scattered shyly. The entrance was a narrow hallway, which opened into a large living room. On the left they could see a dining room-open kitchen area. The furnishings were graceful yet simple, largely in beige or white. There was an enormous picture window lining the living room, out of which Penny could see shimmering lights.

"So let me introduce you," Hayley said. "Leonard, it's been a while but you may remember Caroline and Douglas." She indicated a cute blonde young-teen girl and a younger boy with an adorable mop of curly brown hair. "And this is Stacey," as she leaned down to pat the head of a toddler hiding behind her left leg. "Kids, this is your Uncle Leonard and your Aunt Penny."

There were handshakes all around. Hayley turned to Caroline. "Linnie, would you like to show them to their room? Douglas and Stacey, you can tag along if you like."

Caroline led the couple down a hallway, with the two younger children following. Penny felt as though she were on display, with three pairs of eyes watching her every move. The room was clearly a child's room, and just as clearly Caroline's: there were pictures of teen idols on the wall, along with a plethora of hearts and stars. The bed was a nice queen with frilly sheets.

"Linnie," Leonard said, "we're sorry to be kicking you out."

"That's all right, Uncle Leonard. I can't wait to tell all my friends at school that my famous Aunt Penny is sleeping in my bed." And she smiled shyly at Penny.

Hayley walked in after them. "Leonard and Penny, why don't you take a rest and wash up if you want? Mark should be home soon, and we'll be eating in about 45 minutes. Kids," she added, turning to her brood, "Let's leave your aunt and uncle alone now. There'll be plenty of time to talk later." The children turned and left, as Linnie gave a wistful look at Penny, obviously longing to talk to her. Hayley whispered to Penny: "Prepare yourself: Linnie has a thousand questions about your acting, and the play."

When they were alone, Penny grasped Leonard's hand. "They seem like such a nice family, Leonard. I feel at home already. It's nothing like what I would have imagined, knowing your mother."

Leonard nodded. "Well, I did tell you that Hayley got out as soon as she could. But you're right, I feel comfortable with them."

After unpacking and resting briefly, the couple came out just as Mark was arriving home. He was a tall, good-looking man, like Hayley in his mid-40s and greying at the temples. Penny had learned from Leonard that he was a lawyer at a large firm midtown, specializing in something to do with finance. After introductions and a few minutes, they sat down to eat, Mark and Hayley at either end, the children on one side facing Penny and Leonard.

"So, Caroline, you're twelve now? Sixth grade?" Leonard asked.

"Seventh grade now," she answered, proudly.

"I'm nine, in fourth grade." Douglas piped up.

Stacey joined in: "I'm two and a half," and she raised three fingers. Caroline gently reached over and folded back one finger.

"That's two, Stacey," she said softly.

"Two and a half," Stacey insisted, raising the third finger, and now they could see she was trying to raise it only half-way.

"Oh, you're right!" Caroline exclaimed, and gave Stacey a quick kiss on the cheek.

Stacey continued, "And I'm starting school soon too!"

Penny and Leonard looked at Hayley questioningly. "Stacey starts pre-school in September. She's crazy to go."

"But first I have to go potty by myself," Stacey explained.

"Honey, not at the table," Hayley chided quietly.

"No, in the potty," Stacey responded, surprised.

They all laughed, and started to eat.

Hayley turned to the young couple. "I figured I'd set aside the weekend for you two to take in some of the town. Penny, what in particular would you like to see?"

"Anything, Hayley. It all seems so exciting. But we don't want to put you out, Leonard can shepherd me around. I'm sure you have things to do."

"Not a chance," Mark said. "Hayley has made it clear that she wants to spend every possible minute with you guys. She says she's been waiting 25 years for this. I'm taking the kids Saturday and Sunday, so Hayley's free as a bird."

Caroline looked a little sad at that. Hayley immediately spotted this. "Linnie?"

"I thought I could come with you. I promise I won't complain, Mom. Please?"

"If it's all right with Leonard and Penny, it's all right with me."

The couple assured them it was fine, as they continued eating. After a moment, Douglas leaned over and whispered something to Caroline. She looked startled. "No, silly, not fat, she's pregnant!"

They all looked up at that. Douglas looked intently at Penny. "How?" Caroline elbowed him sharply and whispered, "I'll explain it to you later," as their parents looked on, chastened. Leonard and Penny looked at each other and smiled broadly.

Penny tried to ignore the comment. "That's right, Douglas. We're going to have a baby in about three months. Then you'll have a little cousin."

"Boy or girl? What are you going to call him or her?" Douglas asked, interested.

"We want it to be a surprise," Penny explained. "And we're still thinking of names. Do you have any favorites?"

Douglas pondered that. "I'll have to think on it and get back to you," he said seriously, obviously echoing a phrase he had heard.

Caroline was clearly anxious to break in. Leonard saw her looking at Hayley, who gave a little nod.

"Aunt Penny, can you talk about your play? What's Leonardo DiCaprio like? He's, like, my fourth favorite actor."

Penny could feel Leonard tense, and she quietly reached a hand under the table to squeeze his thigh. She responded casually, "I think he'd be disappointed to hear that! Anyway, he's extremely talented, very hard-working. It was quite exciting to be working with such brilliant actors."

"But," Caroline continued, "what's he like, really? Is he nice?"

"Yes, he's nice," Penny responded. "You know, he's sort of in a different category than the rest of us. It was interesting to see. Sometimes a bunch of us would go out for drinks or dinner in Westwood, where the theater is. But he would never come. And it's because he really can't go anywhere in LA without being mobbed. It must be a strange life, I think, knowing that wherever you go you're being watched by paparazzi and followed."

"What's a pap…that word?" Douglas asked.

"Paparazzi," Penny laughed. "That's what we call the photographers who take pictures of the big stars. They sell them to magazines. They're sort of pests, at least to the famous people, they follow them around."

Caroline continued, seriously. "You're famous, Aunt Penny." She looked at her mother. "May I, Mom?" gesturing to the kitchen. Hayley nodded, and Caroline ran to the bulletin board and took off a clipping. She brought it back, and they could see it was the Bradley review from the _Times_.

"See?" Caroline said. "Why don't the paparazzi follow you?"

Penny laughed. "Well, thank you, Caroline, but I'm not that famous."

"Not _yet_ ," Caroline said, with great confidence. "But you will be." She paused. "But is Leonardo DiCaprio as handsome in person as he is in the movies?"

"I guess so," Penny answered. "A little greyer, I suppose. At least he was in this part, he was supposed to be a man a few years older than he actually is."

"Wait, how old is he?" Caroline asked.

"I think 41 or 42," Penny answered. She could see Caroline's face fall. For a twelve-year-old, she imagined, that must seem ancient. As old as her father, perhaps.

Hayley broke in. "All right, kids, enough of the interrogation. Let's clear the table and let the grown-ups talk."

They all cleared and loaded the dishwasher, after which the children went off to amuse themselves and the two couples sat in the living room for another couple of hours, getting to know each other.

* * *

Later that evening, the moment they entered their room, Penny took Leonard's hand in hers and stroked his cheek with another, looking sadly at him. "I'm sorry for all those questions about, you know…."

"I understand, Penny. She's just a 12-year-old girl, and curious. You were amazing, though; you didn't bat an eye."

"Well, I _am_ an actor."

"And a great one. But I'm not so great. I wonder if they saw anything in me?"

Penny shook her head sadly. "I doubt it. You were good. Leonard, I'm so sorry. I hate that you had to go through that. And it was such a lovely evening otherwise. I never would have imagined Hayley and her family to be like this, not in a million years, not knowing your mother. I thought it was going to be something out of her playbook, cold and distant. But it's like the complete opposite. Mark and Hayley are so good together, and the kids are adorable. And Caroline is so sharp!"

Leonard smiled. "I know. I told you, Hayley left home as soon as she could. I think she's the one that dislikes my mother most. Maybe a mother-daughter thing. And you're right about the two of them. Mark is really a nice guy. Quiet, but you can tell he's completely devoted to her, and to the kids."

Penny nodded. "It makes me really happy to think we're going to get to spend a year with them."

Leonard agreed. "You go to bed. I'm not really that tired. California time, plus the excitement. I think I'll read out in the living room for a while." He kissed Penny goodnight and headed out.

Leonard walked into the living room, where he knew Hayley would be waiting for him. And in fact she was sitting on the couch, looking out the picture window at the river.

"Hey, Len," she said softly. "Come sit with me."

He sat, and she looked at him. He was startled to see that her eyes were wet with tears. "What's wrong, Hayley?"

"Nothing and everything, little brother. Nothing and everything."

Leonard looked at her, confused.

Hayley sighed. "It's just so emotional for me. Seeing you, getting to know Penny, it's so wonderful. _She's_ wonderful, Leonard. I'm so, so happy for you. And I'm so happy you'll be here with us for a year."

"Me too. But why the tears?"

"Leonard, I've felt guilty about you for 25 years. Ever since I left home. It's been a burden I've carried ever since then."

"What are you talking about, Hayley?" Leonard asked, even more confused.

"Len, I got out because I couldn't stand Mother. But I deserted you. You were only eleven, and I left you with that bitch."

"Hayley!"

"She tortured you, Leonard. She treated you like a dog. Worse than a dog. You wouldn't insult a dog, and belittle him, and tell him he was worthless. I wanted to protect you, but I didn't know how. I felt so helpless."

"Hayley, you were a kid yourself."

"Maybe at first. But I got older fast, with her around. I could have done more. And I could have come home – holidays, summers. I could have been there for you. But I wasn't. I was too selfish. Didn't you ever notice that I never came back? My whole time at Stanford I was home for exactly two weekends. Over four years. You didn't think that was strange?"

"Mother just said it was because you were so devoted to your work, and so successful at it."

"And I'll bet she never missed an opportunity to use that as a way of telling you that you weren't as successful. Am I right?"

Leonard nodded sadly.

"That bitch," Hayley muttered again. "I know, I should be over it, but it's hard. I went to that stupid birthday celebration for her, but so help me, if I never see her again it will be too soon."

Leonard was stunned. "Hayley, whatever Mother might have done to us, she's an old lady now. Doesn't she spend time with her grandchildren?"

"Never," Hayley spit out. "I got a card when Caroline was born. Nothing for Douglas or Stacey. She sees us, and them, about once a year. But that's fine."

Leonard was silent. Hayley looked at him, wiping her eyes and smiling now. "So, anyway, I'm so sorry I left you with her. That's hard for me to get over. But that's in the past, Leonard. I love you so much, little brother. You're such a good man, anyone can see it. Mark said your eyes just twinkle with kindness. And the children love you. And you and Penny are so close. I can see it. So you found happiness, right?"

"Right," Leonard said, smiling. "And you did, too. You created sort of the anti-Beverly family, didn't you? Everything I see you do is like the opposite of how we grew up. The way you treat the kids, the way you and Mark get along. It's so nice to see. Penny said you were just about the perfect family."

"Nobody's perfect, Len. But you're right, I've tried to do everything Mother didn't. I suppose she was a great role model that way." And they both laughed. "You should go to sleep. You must be tired."

Leonard gave her a kiss on the cheek, and he headed into their bedroom, as Hayley looked after him, sighing.

As Leonard entered the bedroom quietly, Penny sat up in bed and turned on the light. "Damn, sorry about that," Leonard said, "I was trying not to wake you up."

"I've been awake," Penny said, smiling. "So, what did Hayley have to say?"

Leonard laughed. "Jeez, you really do know everything about me, don't you? Well, we had a nice talk. For some reason she feels guilty about not having protected me from my mother. About leaving home and not coming back to save me or something – as if she could have. I think she's blaming herself for things she couldn't control, but anyway…"

"She's your big sister, sweetheart. And it's easy to see how protective she is of you, like a mother hen. I think it's sweet. And if it makes her feel better about herself, and about the past, you should let her. Come here, my love." And she pulled him tightly to her. "Remember how you were sorry not to have stayed in contact? Well, now you have, and it's wonderful. So enjoy that, and let Hayley enjoy it. It's like you got a new family."

Leonard nodded. "You're right. But I hate to think of Hayley holding herself responsible for my childhood. She was so sad out there…."

"She'll be happier now, my love," Penny said, wrapping him in her arms as they got under the covers. "And maybe you'll be happier, too."


	30. New York state of mind

30\. New York state of mind

The next morning, as the apartment woke up, the young couple came out together for breakfast. Caroline had obviously been waiting for Penny to appear. As soon as they finished a light breakfast, she took her aunt's hand. "Come out to the balcony with me!"

Penny shivered at the thought. "It's too cold out there."

"But Aunt Penny," Caroline explained, "It's heated." She flipped a switch and pulled Penny out with her, and Penny noted a line of heating coils around the perimeter of the balcony. They warmed up quickly, and the balcony was soon bearable. Not exactly warm, though. Penny shivered a little more.

"Oh!" Caroline said, "You're cold, let me bring you something." And she ran inside and emerged with a bundle which she handed it to Penny, saying proudly, "I made this in camp." It was a multitude of strips of fabric braided together into a multi-colored throw or wrap.

"It's beautiful," Penny said admiringly.

"It's easy to make," Caroline said. "I'll make you one. What's your favorite color?"

"Red, I guess."

Caroline looked carefully at Penny. "I think red must be good on you. Because of the hair, and your complexion." Penny smiled at the young girl's attempts at fashion sense, and Caroline blushed. "I'm trying to learn more about clothes. Bar mitzvah season is coming up soon…."

"What's that?" Penny asked. So many new things to learn about.

"Oh, next school year, everyone turns 13. And all the Jewish boys and girls have their bar mitzvahs. Bat mitzvahs for the girls. You never heard of that?"

"Not really, no."

"It's like a big party with dancing and games. Everybody in the grade goes. Including the boys. Mom says it's our first real social engagement as teenagers. I guess that's right. There are so many Jewish kids in my school, there'll be bar and bat mitzvahs every weekend, all year round. And all the boys will go," she repeated, as Penny got a pretty good picture of her young concerns.

"So you need to get something nice for a party like that, right?" Penny asked.

"Yes, and soon. Henry Goldsmith's probably going to be the first one, because his birthday is in September."

Penny looked at the girl. "Is there something special about Henry Goldsmith?"

Caroline blushed bright red, shaking her head no. "I don't think he likes me. He's always teasing me. And I can never get him to talk to me for more than a minute or two before he goes away. And he never looks me in the eye, always away or down at the floor."

"Boys are like that," Penny said gently. "Sometimes they don't know what to say to a girl, so they tease, or make fun, or just plain don't talk. Maybe you can find something you both like doing?"

"Like math? He likes math a lot, and so do I. Maybe we could be on the math team next year."

"Great idea!" Penny said. How different this life was from hers, with the math team being a place you might go on purpose, because it was fun – and because a cute boy might be there.

Caroline turned away now, and started pointing out the sights to Penny. "That's the George Washington Bridge, and the Palisades. You can just see Grant's Tomb up there on the hill. And in the other direction you can see midtown."

While Penny was enjoying the sights, Leonard was playing hide and seek with Douglas and Stacey. Stacey, of course, mostly hid by putting her hands in front of her eyes, but Leonard and Douglas humored her. After a bit the three collapsed on the bed in Caroline's room. Leonard rummaged around Caroline's shelves until he found a book he had spied the day before, _The Little Prince_ , and sat reading it to the two children.

As Penny started into their room she saw her husband with Stacey on his lap and Douglas by his side, reading quietly to the two of them. She quickly grabbed her phone and took a picture, before Leonard even noticed her. One for the family scrapbook, she thought to herself. Leonard looked up and smiled at her, and Penny walked out to wait for him to finish.

* * *

Shortly after, Hayley and Caroline left with the young couple to see the town. They walked up to Broadway and headed into the subway. "My first subway ride," Penny whispered to Leonard.

After being instructed in the mysterious ways of the MTA, Penny waited on the platform with the other three until the Broadway Local arrived. Leonard noticed her interest. "Let's see how long it takes to get to Times Square," and they timed it: 16 minutes. As they rode, Hayley and Caroline tried to give Penny a quick tutorial on the subway system, but it was hopelessly confusing: dozens of lines snaking all over the city, intersecting with each other, crossing under rivers and over bridges, winding every which way. But it was interesting to watch all the different kinds of people riding in the subway car. Certainly a lot more interesting than sitting in a car on an LA freeway.

They stayed on the train until the last stop, and left the subway station next to a small park. Leonard explained. "This is what we saw coming in yesterday, the southern tip of Manhattan, Battery Park."

Penny looked to her left. "The Staten Island Ferry! Guido said we should take it."

Hayley laughed. "I forgot, you met Guido. He's quite a character, isn't he? Reminds me of John Travolta in _Saturday Night Fever_. Real Brooklyn Italian trying to make it in the big city." Penny nodded assent. "He's a sweetheart. He was so excited when I asked him to pick you up. You know he's an aspiring actor?"

"Yes, he told us. And he also said the Staten Island Ferry was free, and it has great views," Penny hinted.

"Please, Mom," Caroline pleaded, also interested. So they walked onto the ferry, which departed a few minutes later. They stood out at the back, bundled up against the cold, as the ferry headed away from Manhattan and toward Staten Island.

Once again Penny was awestruck by the beauty of the island city. "It really looks like all those buildings are floating on the water," she marveled to Leonard.

"That's exactly what I always thought!" Caroline said excitedly. But then she pulled Penny to the side. "See, the Statue of Liberty. And next to it Ellis Island, where the immigrants all landed."

Penny took out her phone to take some shots of these landmarks, and a couple more of the skyline as the ferry continued on its way. They went inside to warm up, buying cups of coffee from the cafe inside for Leonard and Hayley, hot chocolate for the young girl and the pregnant woman. The ferry docked, they got off, and then turned around and got back on.

The ride back to Manhattan was a little anti-climactic, although Penny thought that seeing the skyline as you approached it was more impressive than going away from it. She took a short video with her phone of the skyline coming into view, then asked Caroline to take a couple of shots of her and Leonard embracing and kissing.

From the ferry terminal, they walked up Broadway to Wall Street. More pictures, but not much to see on a Saturday. They continued past Ground Zero, stopping briefly to pay their respects. A few blocks away Hayley pointed out City Hall, a beautiful 200-year-old structure dwarfed by the buildings around it. They took the subway again and got off in Greenwich Village, wandering the narrow, crooked streets past parks and cafes. They stopped for lunch at John's, and Penny couldn't help admitting that the experience gave a whole new meaning to pizza.

From the Village, they hopped on the subway again to Times Square. This time it was the full-on experience. They got to the theater district as crowds were heading to the Saturday matinees. Leonard showed Penny the lines she'd seen from the limo, of people trying to score half-price tickets for today's performances at the _tkts_ booth under the red stairs. The illumination was even more impressive, and bewildering, than it had been from the car. A huge video screen showed the people passing below. Hawkers offered cheap tickets to today's shows, or to comedy clubs. Street performers – some remarkably scantily clad despite the cold – roamed the pedestrian zones in the Square. And everywhere New Yorkers and out-of-towners rushed from place to place, on their way to shows. They stood for a while just watching the crowds, which thinned as 2 PM came and went. And then they headed up Broadway, walking past Columbus Circle and to Lincoln Center.

Penny recognized the buildings, and wanted to see where Jordan would be playing. Hayley explained, "The big one here is the opera house. The other two, on either side, are mostly for concerts. Classical music and ballet. Sometimes they have semi-staged musicals, but that's rare. I'm sure he'll be in the Vivian Beaumont Theater, that's over on the side."

They walked past the opera house and the concert halls to a large pool of water with a sculpture in the middle. Caroline pointed. "That's it. I saw _The King and I_ there last year, it was great."

Penny took a picture, to show Jordan and Audrey, and then had a passer-by take a picture of the four of them in front of the reflecting pool. By then, Leonard was noticing that Penny was getting tired. Her stamina was clearly not what it had been, which was not surprising given the extra weight she was carrying, not to speak of the general excitement of the new city and the cold. So he quietly suggested to Hayley that they head home. They caught the subway and were home by 5PM, before it got dark. Penny collapsed on the bed and slept until dinnertime, with Leonard reading in a chair by the bed, admiring his beautiful wife as she slept – and snored.

* * *

After a simple dinner, once the children were in bed, Penny and Leonard retired to their bedroom. Penny looked at Leonard. "You go to bed. I think I'll stay up a while."

Leonard smiled at her knowingly. "She's probably out in the living room. Report back."

Penny wandered out and, sure enough, Hayley was on the couch with a glass of wine. Penny settled in next to her.

"How did all this happen, Hayley?"

The other woman looked puzzled.

"I mean, not to be nasty, but your mother is about the coldest woman I ever met. So how did you and Leonard turn out to be so warmhearted? I don't know Michael, but I would never have guessed that you were Beverly's daughter."

Hayley's voice took on a much colder tone than Penny had gotten used to. "It's taken me a long time to come to grips with what that woman did to me. To us. I wasn't always as comfortable with myself. But at some point I just decided that my goal in life, in the family and with my marriage, was to do everything right that Mother did wrong. She's sort of been my role model – a negative one, if you know what I mean."

"I do," Penny agreed. "Leonard talks the same way, when we talk about raising children."

There was a pause, then Hayley asked, "Do you mind if I ask youa personal question?"

"Anything."

"How's Leonard doing? I feel so guilty about not having been in touch. But it's more than that. I feel guilty about not doing more to protect him when he was growing up. He had such a difficult childhood, much more difficult than mine."

"How so?"

"Well, I was a girl, and reasonably attractive, and outgoing. So I had friends. And I wasn't a genius. Leonard was a genius, and very introverted, and he never knew how to make himself look as handsome as I always thought he was. So he had a miserable time in school. And our parents didn't help. I don't know who picked on him more, his classmates or our mother. Sometimes I could cry just thinking about what he went through."

"Well, I guess I know about all that. But you can see for yourself: Leonard is wonderful. He's kind, and thoughtful, and generous. He has a great group of friends who love him, and he's really successful at work. Wherever he was coming from, he's doing great now."

Hayley paused again. "And you two? It's plain to see how much you two care for each other. It makes me so happy to see that, you can't imagine. For 25 years I've worried about Leonard, about how he was doing, about whether he was going to be happy." And Penny could see Hayley's eyes began to dampen.

Penny reassured her. "That man is the love of my life. I've known it for ten years, even though I was too stupid to act on it for a long time. But I can't imagine life without him now. And I want to make him the happiest man on earth."

"That's good. He deserves all the happiness in the world. Just remember that. He had a really hard childhood, harder than you can imagine," Hayley said, her voice full of sadness and regret.

Penny felt terribly sorry for her and her obvious guilt. "Hayley, I think it was very important for him to reestablish contact with you. At this point all he has for you are very loving feelings and a desire to know you better. And that goes for me, too. I feel like I've got a new sister. And it's a very nice feeling."

Hayley smiled. "That's sweet. And I feel the same way." But it was obvious to Penny that something was bothering her.

"What is it, Hayley? Is something wrong?"

Hayley shook her head, as if to banish undesirable thoughts. "Can I be brutally frank?"

"Of course."

"The way you look at Leonard is amazing," the older woman said carefully. "Mark and I were saying that we didn't think we'd ever seen anyone look at a person with so much love and longing. And you can't imagine how happy that makes me. But I think I see something else, too. I think you're worried about him. It's just a feeling. Maybe I'm wrong. It makes me worry, though. He does seem happy, and he loves you to death – I can see that. But sometimes it looks like something's troubling him. And there are times when I see you look at him, like I say, and you look worried about him."

Penny was quiet.

Hayley hastened to add. "Maybe I'm imagining things. And it's none of my business. But that's just what I see. More than in Leonard, I see it in you, in your eyes. I'm a woman, Penny, I know what it is to worry that your man is unhappy. And I see that, sometimes, in you. Am I right, or am I just imagining things?"

Penny's mind raced, trying to process all the confused thoughts. She really liked this woman, but she knew that any hint of the real reason for Leonard's distress, and for her own concerns, could drive her, and this wonderful family, away irreparably. So she lied. An actor, after all. "You're right, I am worried. He's been working incredibly hard ever since their paper was published. Not sleeping enough, not eating enough. I'm hoping it will pass, and he does seem better, but I can't help thinking that he can't keep up this level of activity and stay healthy. And with a baby on the way…."

Hayley smiled in relief. "Oh, that makes perfect sense. I can understand it from his side, though. This is just about the biggest thing that's ever happened to him, and he wants to make the most of it. But you're right, everything in moderation. I'll try to talk some sense into him. After all, like you say, he's going to be a father in a few months, and then he'll find out what sleep deprivation _really_ means."

They laughed. Penny said she wanted to stay in the living room a while, and Hayley said good night and left for the master bedroom. Penny sat, deep in thought, on the couch for another twenty minutes, very troubled.

Eventually Leonard wandered out, looking around. "Penny?" he whispered, spotting her on the couch. Leonard walked over and immediately saw that Penny was upset. He raised his eyebrows, questioning.

"Hayley's concerned about you. About us. She said she could see that you were troubled, and that I'm worried about you. She's very perceptive, Leonard. Maybe it's because she's your sister, but I think she understood that there's been trouble."

"So what did you tell her?" Leonard asked.

"I said it was because you were working so hard, and I was worried that you were not taking care of yourself. I think she believed me. But I felt terrible lying to her."

Penny sighed deeply and looked at Leonard. "This is never going to stop, is it? It's always going to be with us. With me. I'm going to carry this around for the rest of my life. It's like I told Howard: when we're old and grey, I'll still be miserable and ashamed and hate myself for what I did."

Leonard reached for her and embraced her. "Don't talk like that. Memories fade, things pass. How often have you thought about Mandy in the last year?"

Penny smiled at that. "Never, actually. So that's a good sign, I guess. Leonard, are you really going to be able to get past this? Because if you can, then it will be so much easier for me. I still hate myself for what I did to you. But I suppose I'd hate myself less if you were healing. And I can't really tell if you _are_ healing, or if you're just pretending for my sake. Be honest, please."

Leonard thought. "I'm healing. Being here is helping. I can see the future here, I can see what a happy family looks like. And that maybe we'll have support from Hayley and Mark when we're in New York."

Penny lay her head on Leonard's shoulder, closing her eyes. "All I want is for us to be happy like them. If I knew that would happen, I could take anything."

"I think it can, Penny. I think it will," Leonard whispered to her. "Now let's go to bed."


	31. Breakfast at Hayley's

31\. Breakfast at Hayley's

The next day was Sunday, but any plans Penny and Leonard may have had to sleep in were foiled by the sounds of children screaming in the hallway. They emerged to find Hayley shushing Douglas and Stacey, and looking apologetically at the couple.

"We thought we might get lox and bagels at Zabar's – you know, the full New York Sunday brunch experience," Hayley said.

Leonard explained, "Zabar's is a nice deli, sort of a local institutions. We should go, you might enjoy it."

Douglas heard their plans. "Can I come, Mom? Please…."

"Sure," Hayley said. "I think Dad was going to take them, though, so ask him."

A few minutes later, Mark and Douglas and the young couple headed out the door. An Uber was waiting outside the building. "No subway?" Penny asked, a little disappointed.

Mark grinned. "Sorry to deprive you. But it's less than 40 blocks; with four of us, a cab or an Uber is quicker and cheaper."

As they got into the Uber, Mark in front and the other three in back, Penny whispered to Leonard, "How much is 40 blocks?"

Douglas had heard. "20 blocks to a mile. For the streets. Crosstown blocks are way longer."

"Thanks, Douglas. What's a crosstown block?" Penny asked.

The boy looked at her, and said earnestly. "The blocks between the avenues. You'll need to know these things. Avenues go North-South. Streets go East-West. East even, odd other."

Penny nodded seriously. "Thanks. I knew about the streets and avenues. But what's the even/odd thing?"

Douglas explained, as Leonard and Mark watched, amused. "Even-numbered streets are one way east, odd-numbered streets are one way west. Except for 14th, 23rd, 34th, 42nd, 57th, …"

"I think that's enough, Doug," Mark said. "Too much information is hard to absorb."

"…and some others. I'll tell you later," Douglas continued, conspiratorially. "I'll make a list for you."

"Thank you, sweetie," Penny smiled at the boy. "But why do you need to know which way the streets go. I don't suppose you drive?"

"Because then you know which way to walk," Douglas said, as if explaining the obvious. "Say you're at a friend's and you know it's on 92nd between Columbus and Amsterdam, and you want to get over to Riverside Drive but you don't know which way that is, you see which way the cars are going and then you know which way is East, so you walk the other way."

"I see," Penny said, which she most definitely did not. But by then the Uber had stopped and they were at Zabar's. She had expected a neighborhood shop, but this was more like the Walmart of delicatessens. It stretched almost an entire city block, and there were hordes of people going in and coming out.

Leonard took her hand. "Stay close, it's sort of a zoo in there." And it was. The place was full of every pastry imaginable, and she had never seen so many kinds of bagels – and so many of each kind. The place was teeming with customers, and the shelves and showcases were a confused mass of hundreds of sorts of food, most of which Penny didn't recognize. The men behind the deli counters were calling out orders and shouting at the customers, the racket making it impossible to concentrate. But as Leonard and Penny stood on the side and watched, Mark waded in, Douglas at his side, yelling their order and bringing it out.

They walked out of Zabar's and across the street. Mark said something to Douglas, and as they reached the other side the little boy ran five feet ahead, stopped, raised his right hand, and let out a piercing whistle with his left. "Taxi!" and a yellow cab screeched to a halt right next to them. Penny's eyes opened wide as Mark had the driver clear the front seat so he could get in, and they were headed back uptown to the apartment.

Penny turned to Douglas. "Where'd you learn to whistle like that?" The boy shrugged. She turned to Leonard. "Why a taxi? Why not an Uber?" Leonard had no idea. But Douglas had heard the question.

The boy whispered, so the cabbie couldn't hear. "The cabs cruise Broadway," and Penny realized that was the street they were on, "so you can just hail them. But over by the river where we live, they don't cruise. So we either call an Uber, or walk over to Broadway. It's usually easier to call an Uber." He said it so matter-of-factly that it dawned on Penny that for this nine-year-old whistling for taxis, taking subways, calling Ubers, and knowing intuitively the ways streets and avenues went were as normal and natural a part of growing up as, say, milking cows or feeding chickens had been to her on the farm.

Back at the apartment, the children set the table while Mark and Hayley laid out an impressive array on the kitchen counter. Douglas, who seemed to have taken it upon himself to be Penny's personal guide, explained the offerings.

"Sesame, poppyseed, plain, onion, salt" he said, pointing to different types of bagels. "Lox, Nova Scotia salmon, belly lox," indicating the salmon. "Whitefish spread, cole slaw, potato salad. Cream cheese," continuing on. Then a couple of pastries she didn't recognize: "Rugalach, moonstrudel."

"This is some spread," Leonard admired. "Do you guys eat like this every Sunday?"

Caroline piped up. "Only when important people are here!"

Hayley laughed. "That's right. It's a bit of a special treat. And not exactly dietetic."

They ate happily, the children bantering and Penny marveling at the new smells, tastes, and textures.

Eventually Caroline turned her attention to her uncle. "Uncle Leonard, Henry Goldsmith said you made a big discovery."

"Oh?" Leonard replied, smiling. "Would that be Henry Goldsmith of the Columbia University Goldsmiths?" Penny tried to signal him to tread lightly, giving him a light kick under the table, but he only looked at her in surprise.

Caroline looked at him seriously. "I don't know, what does that mean?"

Hayley broke in. "Leonard's kidding you, Linnie. What he means is that he guesses your friend Henry is related to a professor at Columbia. Isn't that right, Leonard?"

Leonard nodded, chastened. "Sorry, Caroline, I didn't mean to make fun of you. Sam Goldsmith is in the Physics Department here, and I'm guessing Henry is his son. Is that right?"

"I guess so. Anyway, Henry's in my grade, and he said that his father said you made a big discovery."

Penny looked at Leonard, glowing with pride. Hayley and Mark exchanged bemused looks.

"Well, I'm not sure how big it is, but I suppose it was interesting to other scientists."

"What did you discover? Henry said it was something about time. And space."

"The final frontier…." Douglas intoned, in his best Star Trek voice.

Leonard smiled at the boy, while Penny laughed and said, "I guess it's genetic. Are you a Star Trek fan, Douglas?"

The boy nodded his head vigorously. Caroline persisted, "Henry says you might win a Nobel Prize."

Leonard shook his head. "Oh, I doubt that. It was just an idea, a theory. Not a lot of people believe it. To win a Nobel Prize you have to come up with a theory that a lot of other scientists believe. We're trying to convince them now, and to come up with some experiments that might help. But I think it's a long ways away."

Penny looked at her husband proudly. "Leonard is going to Japan in June to get a big prize from the Japan Academy. And they're having an international symposium just about his work."

Hayley clapped her hands. "Oh, Len, the Japan Prize?"

Leonard hastened to clarify. "No, no, not _the_ Japan Prize." He explained to Penny, "That's a huge deal, almost like a Nobel. This is just a prize in Physics, given by the Academy. "

"Well, _I_ think it's a big deal," Penny said with emphasis. "And a conference only about his work."

"That _is_ a big deal, Leonard," Hayley agreed. "Congratulations. And the Pupin visiting chair is, too. You're really making a name for yourself."

"And the name is Hofstadter!" Douglas called out. Everyone laughed, and Penny noted that even after only a couple of days the children seemed completely at ease with Leonard and her.

"So," Hayley said while they sat back, full. "I thought today maybe we'd hit a couple of museums. Would that be OK, you two?" she asked Leonard and Penny.

"Anything, Hayley, anything. It's all new to me, and all exciting," Penny said.

"Museums, anyone?" Hayley asked the children. Douglas groaned, and Stacey imitated him. Caroline thought about it, but shook her head no.

"OK, just the three of us. Let's leave in a few minutes."

* * *

The three adults walked over to Broadway, with a brisk wind whipping at their backs. For the first time since they'd arrived, Penny felt the cold chill her to the bone. She knew she must not be dressed right for the weather. "Hayley, I'm going to need a lesson on how to dress for the winter weather," she told her sister-in-law.

"Layers, dear, layers." Hayley said. Leonard saw the confused look on Penny's face and explained. "She means you wear several layers of clothing. That helps keep the heat in. And then you can take off a layer or two when you're indoors. I'll show you later. Anyway, I thought it was cold in Nebraska in winter."

"It is, but that was ten years ago, Leonard. I've forgotten a lot. And look at you, you're shivering like crazy, too." Leonard had to admit that he, too, had gotten all too used to the California weather as they huddled together for warmth.

At Broadway the three of them caught a cab and headed downtown. After a few minutes the cab turned and went through the middle of Central Park. Hayley turned to Penny. "It's nothing special in the wintertime, except for the ice skating. But when it's warm out Central Park is fantastic. There's concerts, and plays, and Shakespeare." Penny nodded.

They stopped at the Metropolitan Museum. Penny could only imagine the size of the collections, looking at the vast expanse of the museum along Fifth Avenue. They walked into the cavernous atrium, and Hayley asked Penny what she might be most interested in. "Art? Modern or classical? Greeks? Romans? Egyptians?" Penny shrugged, bewildered. Leonard took over, realizing his wife was again overwhelmed.

"Let's start with the Egyptians. I always liked that." And they headed off into the exhibit. Leonard and Hayley escorted Penny through, explaining as they went. She marveled at how much both of them knew about ancient Egypt: after all, he was a physicist and she was a medical researcher.

"How did you two learn all this?" she asked, amazed.

The two siblings looked at each other. Leonard explained, "When we were kids, my father would bring us here on the weekends. To get away from Mother, I figure. We'd spend the whole day here. He's an anthropologist, so he always had the most interesting explanations. And he was especially interested in the ancient societies."

Hayley continued, "Leonard and I would spend hours here, imagining ourselves in ancient Egypt. You see these scale models?" and she pointed to a display of minutely detailed models, several thousand years old, of everything from breweries to river barges to bakeries. "Leonard and I would pretend we were in them. Oh, and wait." And she led Penny around a couple of corners, into what appeared to actually be the interior of a pyramid or some other Egyptian tomb.

"We would play hide and seek here, and then pretend we were explorers discovering lost treasures."

Leonard was smiling happily as Hayley described their childhood games. Hayley frowned. "But then we'd have to go back to New Jersey and our hellhole of a home."

"Hayley," Leonard warned. Penny was shocked. She knew Hayley was not close to Beverly, but she realized that she hadn't perhaps understood the depth of her resentment. She reminded herself to ask Hayley more when she got the chance.

Leonard grabbed Penny's hand and pulled her around another corner. "Close your eyes." She obeyed and he guided her gently down a corridor and stood behind her. "Now open."

She did, and gasped. In front of her, in an enormous room one wall of which was solid glass, was a full-size Egyptian temple. "Temple of Dendur, two thousand years old," Leonard said. An imposing stone entrance was topped by a delicate frieze. Behind it was the main hall of the temple, the entryway flanked by massive sandstone columns.

Penny looked at him, then back at the temple. "How did it get here?" she wondered.

"It was going to be flooded by a dam, so they took it apart it stone by stone and rebuilt it here," Hayley explained. Penny shook her head in amazement.

After exploring the temple, Leonard looked at Hayley. "The church, now?" Hayley nodded. They led Penny through several more rooms full of exhibits, then stopped in a room that, in fact, looked exactly like what Penny imagined a medieval church would have looked like.

"Did they bring this from Europe, too?" Penny asked.

Leonard explained, "Parts of it. But when we were kids Hayley and I would play in here. I'd pretend to be a knight – the knights in armor room is next door. She'd be a princess and I'd save her."

Penny laughed, glancing at Hayley. She was looking at Leonard so tenderly it made Penny want to cry, or hug her, or both. Penny was getting a sense of just how much Hayley had loved her little brother, which helped explain why she felt so guilty – unjustly so, Penny thought – for leaving home. And how important it was to her that he be happy now. It was something about making up for lost time, and for presumed mis-deeds. And now Penny knew quite well what she had to do.

They continued on through the museum. Next they went through the endless Greek and Roman collections. Leonard stopped at an open doorway. "Come in here with me." Penny followed him. They were in a small room whose walls were covered with gorgeous paintings of landscapes, seascapes, angels, and city scenes. It was breathtaking. Penny looked, again, at Leonard for an explanation.

"From a villa near Pompeii. This was a rich man's bedroom. Again, the paintings are two thousand years old."

Penny shook her head in wonder. "They look like they were painted yesterday, Leonard."

"I know. I used to dream about the scenes here."

Hayley broke in. "He tried to get our mother to put wallpaper like this on his bedroom wall. She said it was, and I quote, 'anachronistic given current artistic sensibilities.' Can you imagine telling a nine-year-old boy his dreams are period-inappropriate?" she shook her head in sorrow and anger.

Penny kissed Leonard on the cheek. "I'd love wallpaper like this, Leonard. Anytime you want."

Leonard smiled. "I think I may have outgrown it. But thanks anyway."

They stopped for a quick snack in the museum café, overlooking Central Park. At the end of the snack Leonard asked Penny, "Would you like to visit our mansion?"

"Sure," Penny said, unsure what she had agreed to.

"Up for a fifteen-minute walk?" Hayley asked. "It's a little warmer out now." And they walked along Central Park a half-mile, then turned into a side street.

"The Frick Collection," Leonard announced. They went in, and Penny found herself yet again struck dumb. It was the entrance to an enormous mansion, something out of a movie. They wandered the great rooms, filled with beautiful art and extraordinary furnishings.

Hayley took her arm as Leonard walked ahead. She slowed down so they were out of earshot. "Leonard used to pretend we lived here, and he'd walk through the rooms as if he were the heir to a great fortune, talking to his mother and father. I didn't get it at the time, but looking back I think when we would come to these places he was playing out his fantasies. Like being a powerful knight and saving a princess; or living in a wonderful house with wonderful parents." She shook her head yet again, sadly.

Penny thought to herself that this also might help explain his interest in super-heroes: they had the power, and commanded the respect, that he so sorely lacked as a child, both at home and in school. She explained this to Hayley, who squeezed Penny's arm even tighter. Penny looked at her sister-in-law to see more tears.

"I'm so glad he found you. So glad," she whispered, yet again. But Leonard was looking back at them, curiously, and they gathered themselves and continued.

As they left the Frick, Penny turned guiltily to Leonard. "Sweetheart, this is wonderful, but I'm getting a little tired. I'm not sure I can walk much more before taking a rest."

"Oh!" Leonard looked stricken. "Of course. Your condition, I completely forget, how stupid." He looked at Hayley. "Maybe we can stop for a rest?"

Hayley thought. "I think I have the place for Penny." They walked out to Fifth Avenue and Hayley hailed a cab. "49th, please."

They got out at 49th and Fifth. Hayley pointed out St. Patrick's Cathedral a block up, and Saks Fifth Avenue across the street.

Penny looked at Leonard, then at Hayley. "I don't know if I'm up to shopping now, not without a rest."

Leonard laughed. "I never thought I'd hear you say that. Hayley?"

"Don't worry," Hayley assured them, "we're headed to someplace to sit down. You've got time to come back and shop later in the week, if you want. I'm sure Caroline would love to come with you after school someday."

They walked up a half-block, and Leonard pointed out another New York landmark. "The Rockefeller Center Christmas tree." Penny stared at the biggest Christmas tree she had ever seen, looming over a small skating rink. "And this is Rockefeller Center, of course."

"30 Rock?" Penny asked. Leonard pointed upwards to the skyscraper towering above the skating rink. Meanwhile, Hayley was leading them down to a café that looked out on the skating rink. Penny sank happily into a chair and watched the skaters on the small rink.

Leonard turned to Hayley. "I heard the Rainbow Room is open again. We should take her there."

Hayley explained. "The Rainbow Room is a very classy bar and restaurant near the top of 30 Rockefeller Plaza. They have great music, too. But you probably have to reserve a month in advance. When you're here for the year we can go."

Penny watched the skaters some more, sipping her hot chocolate, and sighing contentedly. She turned to the siblings. "This is all like a dream. Like something you'd see on television. I can't believe people actually live here. Do this stuff for a living."

Hayley smiled. "Well, to be honest, I haven't done this in a while. Most of us just go about our business – work, family, shopping. I haven't seen a show in three or four months, and I hadn't been to the Met since the summer. But it's always nice to know these things are here…."

After resting, the three walked over to Times Square. It was almost as busy as it had been the previous day. But there weren't the big lines Penny had seen before. Leonard explained. "Today's Sunday. The matinees are already on, and there are no evening performances."

They walked across Times Square and down to Shubert Alley, so that Penny could see some of the more famous theaters. By then both Hayley and Leonard could see that the poor woman was exhausted, and they hailed a cab and headed back uptown.

* * *

That evening, over dinner, Caroline continued her quizzing of her aunt. "Aunt Penny, did you ever kiss Leonardo DiCaprio?"

"No! Why?" Penny answered, shocked. She felt Leonard tense next to her, and glanced quickly at him.

"I don't know," the girl explained. "People kiss in plays, and in the movies."

"Oh," Penny responded, relieved. "No, there's no kissing in the play. It's pretty sad, actually, and in my main scenes with him we aren't really getting along."

"Oh," Caroline said, apparently somewhat disappointed. "But you might kiss somebody in a movie, right?"

"Sure. It's part of acting."

Caroline looked at Leonard. "Wouldn't Uncle Leonard be jealous?"

Penny started to laugh, but saw how serious the girl was. "Well, kisses in a play or a movie aren't real. We try to make them look real, but they're not. It's only my husband that gets to kiss me for real."

"And make a baby!" Douglas added, mischievously.

Penny took a quick look at Hayley, who was staring at Mark. She imagined that a certain little boy was going to get "the talk" this evening.

"That's right, Douglas," she said firmly, and was happy to see Leonard smile broadly.

"But," Caroline plowed forward, "what's the difference between a real kiss and a movie kiss?"

Hayley broke in, "I'll explain it to you later, Caroline." The young girl rolled her eyes.

* * *

After dinner and a bit more socializing, Leonard and Penny got ready for bed. When Leonard returned to the bedroom from the bathroom, Penny was sitting on the bed, looking very pensive. "What's up?" he asked.

"Sit down, my love." He sat. "I want to tell Hayley what happened. What I did."

"What?! Why?" Leonard was stunned.

Penny kissed him lightly. "I don't know if you can understand. But I really like her. I think she's like a role model for me: such a successful career, such a great mother and wife. And she's family now. I want her to be a part of our lives, of my life. And most of all, because you're important to her, and she deserves to know the truth about what you've gone through, about what I did to you."

Leonard protested, "Penny, there's no need for this. If you're just doing this out of some sense of guilt, please don't."

"That's not why, not at all. It's because I want us to be close. I already feel close. And like I say, you're really important to her. I don't know if you can feel it, but she's totally into taking care of you, maybe making up for lost time. And she can see that something's wrong. When Caroline asked about me kissing, you know, you turned white as a sheet. I can't lie to your sister. I just can't."

Leonard sighed. "Boy, this is more than I bargained for. I don't really understand it, but if you think it's important, all right."

Penny got up. Leonard looked at her in shock. "You mean now?"

"No time like the present." And she walked out to the living room. Hayley was emerging from Stacey's room, and put her finger to her lips. The children were all asleep, or at least in bed.

Penny whispered, "Can I talk to you for a while? In private? It's pretty important."

Hayley eyed Penny carefully. "OK. Come into the master. I'll ask Mark to read in the living room." They entered the master bedroom and Hayley whispered something to her husband, who quickly gathered some magazines and left.

"Sorry!" Penny said, as Mark passed, but he only smiled at her.

"What's up?" Hayley asked when they were alone. They sat in two armchairs, looking out the large sliding-glass doors that led to a small balcony off the bedroom.

Penny took a deep breath. "Hayley, first of all, I want to thank you for everything. For treating us so well. For making me feel so at home. And most of all, for being so good to Leonard."

"It's my pleasure, dear. And we're really loving having you here. For me, it's such a treat to see Leonard now, and especially to see you two together. And you're already Caroline's favorite person in the world, I think."

"Well, that may be," Penny said cautiously. "But there's something I have to tell you. Something that might make you feel a little differently." And she took another deep breath.

Hayley looked at her curiously.

"You were right," Penny continued, "when you saw the worry in me. You were very right, and I was lying when I tried to explain it. The truth is that several months ago I did something really terrible, something that hurt Leonard very deeply. We were separated for four months, and we only got back together last month."

Hayley exhaled. "That helps explain things. I figured it was something like that. But, you know, Penny, marriage is not easy. Lots of couples go through rough spots. And you seem to have gotten past it."

Penny shook her head. "Well, the thing is, it was all my fault. I cheated on Leonard. And I will never forgive myself for the pain I caused him. Thank God, he's a better person than I am. And although he suffered terribly, eventually he took me back." She could feel the tears starting, despite her efforts to control him.

Hayley looked surprised, but said nothing. Penny continued. "I want you to know that I love your brother more than I have ever loved anyone. More than I ever thought I _could_ love anyone. And I have so many regrets. But I wanted you to know about this. I think you deserve to know. I hope you're not too angry with me. I would hate to think that this might come in the way of you and Leonard being as close as you deserve to be."

Hayley sighed. "Penny, whatever happened is between you and Leonard. Marriage is hard in many ways. And one way is being faithful. Believe me, I know. But can I ask, without prying, what happened? And why? Were you two having problems? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I'd like to understand."

Penny nodded. "I want to tell you. It was one of the actors in the play, and it was just one night. I've been in therapy since, mainly to try to understand what I did. And I think the fact is that I was dazzled by the new opportunities that were opening up, and I was testing the waters, so to speak. But it was a terrible, terrible mistake, one I will regret for the rest of my life." Now she could not stop the tears. "The way Leonard suffered….You know, he's got his insecurities, and this just pushed all the wrong buttons. I still have trouble believing he got past it, but I'm so grateful. And all I want now is to have a good life together. A family together. To be able to be as happy as you and Mark, and your children."

They were both quiet.

Penny looked at Hayley, eyes full of tears. "Hayley, I hope this doesn't make you hate me. I'd be so sad if that happened. Especially on account of Leonard. He wants you in his life so much, and it would kill me for my stupidity to get in the way of that."

Hayley was shaken by the desperation in Penny's eyes. She understood the shame the young woman felt, but had not fully appreciated how afraid she was of Hayley's reaction. She stood up, went to where Penny was sitting, knelt down and took both the younger woman's hands in hers.

"Penny, listen to me. Anybody can see that you're a good person. And anybody can see that you and Leonard love each other. You did something that you regret. That's the past. Don't dwell on it. I certainly won't. What I see is two people deeply in love, with a baby on the way, starting an exciting new chapter in their lives. I want to be part of that, because I love Leonard, and he loves you, and you love him. Nothing you did is going to get in the way of that."

Penny broke down then, sobbing. And Hayley pulled the younger woman to her. "It's all right, dear, it's all right. Everything will work out, you'll see."

After Penny had calmed down, Hayley sat back down. "Penny, let me tell you a little secret. You may know that I used to do research on primates at a facility in New Jersey. It was great work, and I loved it. But I left. And I left because I became infatuated with one of the other researchers there. Mark and I had been married for three years. I don't know why it happened, or how, but I couldn't think of anything else. I could barely stand to touch Mark for over a month. He knew that something was wrong, but he didn't say anything."

Penny was listening raptly. Hayley continued. "One evening we were working late, in close quarters. At some point I couldn't restrain myself, and I just grabbed him and kissed him. He had known something was going on with us, but he was married, too, and I'm sure that like me he had resisted. But when I kissed him, he kissed me back. And we, you know, continued kissing and making out for another ten minutes or so. Until the janitor knocked on the lab door. Thank God it was locked, or he would have walked in on us. We gathered ourselves, let him in, and pretended to work. After the janitor left, we talked about it, and resolved that it was wrong, and we weren't going to do anything about it."

"What happened after that?" Penny asked.

"Well, promise or not, I couldn't get him out of my mind, especially working with him. So I immediately called a friend at Columbia and arranged a visiting position there. I left the facility two weeks later. Fortunately, eventually a permanent position opened up here, and I took it."

"Did…does Mark know?"

"Yes. I didn't tell him at the time, just that I wanted to change research focus. But about six months later I told him. And we talked it over. A lot. It was important for us to face the fact that it's normal for married people to be attracted to others; what matters is to resist. It took a while for us to get back on track, but we did. And Caroline was born a year and a half later."

Penny sat back. "So," Hayley concluded, "you see, lots of people face this kind of crisis. The real question two people have to ask themselves is whether their relationship is strong enough to get through it. And that's the question you and Leonard have to ask yourselves. I'd say that the returns are in, and they're positive. Wouldn't you?"

Penny nodded. "I hope so." She sighed. "Hayley, I'm so grateful for everything. You've been so amazing. I don't want to disappoint you. I want to do right by Leonard, and by our baby. And I might need your help…."

"Honey, you've got it. Look, I'm, what, 15 years older than you?"

"Thirteen," Penny corrected.

"OK, thirteen. I don't want to be patronizing, but I've had thirteen years more experience than you. And I hope that can give me a little more perspective on things. You can talk to me about anything, anytime. It's the least I can do for Leonard. And for the woman who makes him so happy."

Penny was quiet. "Thank you. And I do have a whole lot of questions. But the main one is: how do you do it? How do you manage to be so successful in your career, and keep the family together like you do? That's my biggest question. My biggest fear. Everybody keeps telling me how exciting it is that my acting career is taking off. But mostly I feel scared. I don't know how I'm going to be able to do everything. After all, the first time I had to juggle being an actor and being a wife, I blew it. I'm so frightened that I might blow it again, with the baby, or with Leonard. So I need help…."

Hayley smiled at her. "Everyone needs help. And I'm not going to tell you that it will be easy. But, at least while you're in New York, we'll be here for you. Always. For anything you need. Promise me that you'll always come to me if you have questions like this. Promise?"

"I promise."

Hayley reached over and took Penny's hand. "Now you should go back to Leonard and give him a full report. I'm sure he's very worried about what's been going on in here."

"You got that right, he's probably pacing like crazy."

Penny rushed back to the room and flung herself at Leonard, who was, true to form, pacing. "I love your sister, I love her so much," she gushed.

"What happened?"

"She was so amazing, Leonard. She said what mattered was whether our marriage was strong enough to stand this, and that she just wished us the best. Oh my God, Leonard, she's so wonderful."

Leonard smiled. "I'm so glad. And do you feel better now?"

"So much better. I hated having to lie. And I think we're going to be such good friends. I have so much to learn from her, how to balance work and family and everything. Thank you for understanding."

"Well, I'm not sure I do, but you're welcome anyway. I think we should go to bed now; we have a big day tomorrow at Columbia."


	32. Pupin Labs

32\. Pupin Labs

The next morning Leonard and Penny emerged, still sleepy, to a very busy household. Mark was finishing breakfast and Caroline and Douglas were just about to leave for school. They all greeted the young couple – Caroline rushed to give her Aunt Penny a big hug – but everyone seemed to be in a hurry. The three left together, and a couple of minutes later Hayley emerged from Stacey's room with the toddler. Stacey ran to the table and slid into a chair, on her knees, waiting for her breakfast and babbling to Leonard and Penny, who tried hard to follow.

Hayley explained, "We're just waiting for Maeve, the nanny. So long as Stacey can't be in day care, we have Maeve here. You'll like her, she's very sweet. I have to leave in a few minutes, but I'll wait until she gets here. Columbia today?"

Leonard nodded. "Well, good luck, Len. The kids get back from school around 2.30 or 3 – I don't think they have anything after school today. I'll come home early today, but Mark won't be here until 6.30 or so. We'll have dinner around 7."

As Penny and Leonard settled in for breakfast, Maeve entered. She was a slightly plump strawberry blonde with an easy smile. Hayley introduced her, and the couple got a taste of a thick Irish brogue. Maeve disappeared down the hallway, playing with Stacey.

Hayley left soon after, and suddenly the house was very quiet, with only the sound of Maeve reading to Stacey in her room. Leonard looked at Penny, "Chaos to order in five minutes flat, huh? We should head out to Columbia."

They walked across Broadway and through the big iron gates onto the campus. Leonard pointed out the main buildings. The library on the right, the administration building – confusingly also called a library – on the left. They wound their way through the warren of buildings until they came to a massive structure with what looked like a telescope mount on top. "This is the Pupin Labs, Department of Physics," Leonard explained.

"Same Pupin as your chair, I guess."

"Yes, he was a famous physicist here about a hundred years ago. You know, this is where Enrico Fermi started work on nuclear weapons, before they moved it to Chicago. That's why they called it the Manhattan Project."

They entered the building and walked up to the second floor office of the Department chair. Leonard knocked, entered, and identified himself.

"Leonard! Wonderful to meet you. I'm Robert Gold. It's a privilege to have you here. And we're honored that you're considering the Pupin visiting professorship. Don Cohen thinks the world of you, and we've all followed your work with great interest. It would be such a coup for us to be able to get you here for a year." Penny knew from Leonard that Cohen was his Princeton adviser, now at Columbia.

Leonard introduced Penny. "This is my wife, Penelope Hofstadter."

"A great pleasure. And congratulations on your play. Not many LA shows get such a glowing Bradley review."

"Thank you," Penny said quietly. The whole environment was a little intimidating. Nowhere near as informal as Caltech, where she knew just about everyone. And there was something about Professor Gold's attitude toward Leonard that it took her a few moments to place. Then she realized what it was: profound respect. A far cry from the way people at Caltech – starting with Sheldon – seemed to take him and his work for granted. She decided she liked it. A lot.

"Leonard," Professor Gold continued, "If it's all right with you, we've planned a pretty full day. We figured you'd like to see the lab and meet with faculty. But," he added, somewhat apologetically, "I took the liberty of setting up some meetings with the post-docs and grad students you might work with. I can't tell you how eager they all are to meet you. I hope that was all right."

"Of course," Leonard said, and Penny sensed that he, too, was a bit overwhelmed at the reception he was getting.

"Ms. Hofstadter," Gold said, turning to Penny, "I wasn't sure what you wanted to do. You're welcome, of course, to spend the day with us. But I thought you might like to see some of the campus."

"That would be lovely," Penny said. "I'm sure I wouldn't have much to contribute to your meetings. Or be able to understand them."

Professor Gold laughed. "Well, you're welcome anyway. So, I wasn't sure this would be of interest, but I know you two are expecting. One of my graduate students is a brilliant young woman, Stephanie Molloy, who would be happy to show you around. And Stephanie has a young child. She could show you the university's day-care center, and maybe talk about some of the facilities here. Also, we tentatively scheduled a meeting with somebody from faculty housing, who could show you a couple of apartments."

"That's wonderful – just so long as you're sure it's not an inconvenience to Ms. Molloy."

"Not at all. She's a big theater buff and she's been dying to meet you." Gold picked up his phone, dialed, and began speaking to somebody on the other end. As he was talking, another professorial man entered. Leonard turned to greet him.

"Hello, I'm Leonard Hofstadter."

"Samuel Goldsmith. It's a great pleasure to meet you. I can't tell you how impressed I've been with your work. It would be a real honor for us to host you here for the year. And Ms. Hofstadter, I presume?" he continued, shaking Penny's hand.

Leonard shot a glance at Penny and smiled, "I believe we have a connection other than Physics, Sam. I think my niece, Caroline, is in school with your son."

"I know, isn't that a coincidence? I guess your sister is at P+S, right?" Leonard nodded. "Well," Goldsmith continued, "I've certainly heard an awful lot about that Caroline." Goldsmith smiled broadly. "She sounds like quite a prodigy. Between us, and he'd kill me for saying this, but I think Henry has a pretty big crush on your niece."

Leonard began to speak, but Penny cut him off, "Oh, that's so sweet. You're right, Caroline is a wonderful girl." She glanced at Leonard to make sure he got the message: Not one word to the father about Caroline's crush on Henry. Leonard nodded quickly.

Another professor entered and introduced himself to Leonard, just as a young woman entered. The office was beginning to get crowded. Professor Gold shushed everyone.

"Ms. Hofstadter, this is the brilliant young woman I was telling you about, Stephanie Molloy. It may set my lab back a month, but I agreed to let her show you around campus for the day."

Penny kissed Leonard on the cheek – at which he blushed furiously – and they arranged to meet back at Hayley's apartment at the end of the day. Then she and Stephanie Molloy set off.

"Where are you from, Stephanie?" Penny asked, looking to strike up a conversation and knowing that Physics was not the way to go.

"Fresh Meadows," she replied, as they wandered down the hall.

Penny thought that was a strange answer, but at least it gave them something in common. "Oh! I'm from a farm, too. In Nebraska. What about you?"

Stephanie looked at her strangely. "Fresh Meadows is a neighborhood in Queens, Ms. Hofstadter."

Penny was mortified. She had never felt like such a hick. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't really know New York."

"That's okay. It's sort of a strange name. Not as strange as Utopia, though – that's another neighborhood in Queens." She paused, looking at Penny. "Nebraska, huh? I've never been there. How'd you meet Dr. Hofstadter?"

Penny now felt she was on the defensive with this accomplished young scientist. "Actually, we were neighbors in Pasadena. One thing led to another."

"He's amazing. His work is amazing," she said, matter-of-factly.

Penny started to feel something akin to jealousy. "Will you be working with him next year?"

"Me?" she laughed. "No such luck. I'm not really in his field. But his work has really got everybody going." Her eyes danced with excitement. "I'm definitely going to take his seminar, though."

Penny wasn't quite sure how she felt about that. This could be an uncomfortable day.

But Stephanie seemed interested in much different subjects. "Ms. Hofstadter, I'm so impressed by your work in the theater. I read the Bradley review, it was over the top. And that role is so difficult! I love Miller, and I always loved _After the Fall_. But I never liked the versions I saw. From the review, I think you people really got it right. Especially you. It's such an honor to meet you."

The respect was so obviously heart-felt that Penny suddenly felt guilty for her previous thoughts, and relaxed.

"Well, thank you, Stephanie. And please call me Penny, everyone does. I understand you have a small child?"

"Yes, he's one and half. Brian," she said, smiling with the pride of a young mother.

"It must be hard to live the life of a young scientist with a small child. What does your husband do?"

"Oh, I'm a single mother," Stephanie said, casually, and Penny again felt mortified.

"I'm so sorry! Stephanie, you have to forgive me, I feel a little out of place here. I've never been in New York, I'm not an academic…."

Stephanie looked at her warmly, "No problem, Penny. We're just going to have a nice day. I'm really excited about getting to know a great young actor. I always wanted to be in the theater, but I didn't really have the chops. Plus, I guess Physics was my first love anyway."

They bundled up and headed across campus. Stephanie pointed out some of the main buildings as they went. "Do you want to see the child care first?" Stephanie asked.

"Sure, I suppose. Is that where your son is?"

"There are a bunch that are affiliated with Columbia. Brian's in the Greenhouse, which I think is really good. Some of the places only take toddlers who are toilet-trained, but the Greenhouse takes them from six months, I think. So that's convenient. I guess," she said, looking at Penny's belly, "that would work for you. When are you due?"

"April," Penny said. "And I'm planning to stay home for a few months at least, so that would work. But I'll be working pretty soon after, at least I hope so."

They walked about a block away from the campus to a large building; Stephanie entered and pressed a button before a locked glass door. She held an ID up to a camera, and they were buzzed into a reception area. The woman behind the desk smiled at Stephanie.

"This is Ms. Hofstadter. Her husband is a very famous physicist who plans to visit the Department for a year. She's interested in seeing the child care options."

The receptionist passed a sign-in book to Penny, showing her where to sign. "And please leave me some ID."

They were buzzed into the facility, as Penny looked questioningly at Stephanie. "Lots of security, I know," the grad student said. "But parents are careful."

After walking through an anteroom, they entered a larger play area full of very small children and their teachers. One of them came to Stephanie, just as a tiny boy ran to her. "Mama!"

Stephanie scooped her son up and kissed him, pointing him at Penny. "This is Penny, she wants to see your playgroup."

And to the teacher, "Hi, Sylvia, this is Penelope Hofstadter. She and her husband are going to be here next year; she's interested in the facility."

Sylvia greeted Penny, and proceeded to give her a 45-minute tour of the center. It was graded by age, from very small children up through pre-K, and seemed to be ideal. Many of the teachers were, Sylvia said, interns working on teaching degrees at Columbia's Teachers College. All the rooms were bright and airy, and there appeared to be a very low teacher-to-child ratio. Penny was impressed.

After the tour of the child-care center, Stephanie led Penny around the neighborhood surrounding the campus for nearly an hour: supermarkets, produce markets, clothing stores, other things that might be of interest. Stephanie eventually saw that Penny was tiring, though, and they stopped for lunch.

Over lunch, Penny studied the young woman. She was quite pretty, with the hardened look that Penny had, in just a few days, come to associate with women in New York. She supposed it was something about the speed and energy of the city, and the close quarters, but everyone – especially the women – appeared to have their guard up at all times. She wanted to get underneath Stephanie's guard, though, and figured she had a way.

At a lull in the conversation, she asked gently: "Brian's father's not involved?"

Stephanie shook her head. "Honestly, I'm not sure who it is."

Penny was shocked.

Stephanie smiled. "I mean, I can narrow it to three." She saw Penny's surprise. "You know, I come from a pretty conservative family in Queens. And when I got to Barnard, it was liberating." Penny knew from Leonard that Barnard was the women's college affiliated with Columbia. Stephanie continued. "The hook-up culture is really strong among the grad students, and I guess I fell into it," she explained, as Penny tried to get her mind around scientists with a hook-up culture. Somehow, knowing Leonard and his friends made that difficult.

"It happened during my first year in grad school. My parents were horrified, and my relationship with them suffered, but I knew I wanted the baby. And I didn't really want the complication of having to figure out the father, and chasing him down, and dealing with all that. It's better this way."

"It must be hard," Penny commiserated.

"The University helps a lot. I have a nice place in married students' housing." Seeing Penny's surprise, she added, "it's just called that. It's open to any grad students with children. And there are a half-dozen other single mothers in the building, so we're a great support group. We can cover for each other if we have to work late. And baby-sit if we have a date. As if I ever had a date," she smiled.

Penny looked at her, questioningly. Stephanie was a very attractive young woman.

Stephanie looked at her, a little sadly. "Not many guys my age want to get involved with a girl with a child. Especially somebody with an academic career."

"Why not, what's wrong with an academic career?"

"Oh, because we're not very flexible. Not everybody's like your husband, he can write his own ticket. But for me, I'll be here finishing, and on a post-doc I assume, for four or five more years, but when I go on the market who knows where I'll end up? It could be Oregon, or Iowa…or Nebraska," she smiled. "Not a great calling card for most guys."

Penny shook her head. "I'm sure you'll find someone, Stephanie, you're beautiful and brilliant, any decent man should want that."

"Well, when you meet one, give him my number." And they continued to talk about her life in science, the difficulties of mixing Brian with all-nighters in the lab, and how much she wanted to make it in the profession.

After lunch, Stephanie took them back to the campus and gave Penny a detailed tour of the University. They ended up at the housing office, where Penny had a 3 PM appointment. The housing officer walked them over to a building a couple of blocks from where Hayley lived.

"I can't show you anything occupied, of course. But there are two units in transition here, between semesters." And she showed Penny two two-bedroom apartments. They were beautiful, roughly the same furnishings as Hayley and Mark's. No river view, but spacious and very comfortable. The housing officer quoted a rent, and Stephanie gasped. They walked back and the housing representative left them.

Stephanie turned to Penny. "I hope you realize that rent is about a third of the market rate."

Penny shook her head. "It did seem low. And those look like great apartments."

"Boy, are they ever. You couldn't touch a place like that on a professor's salary, on the market."

By then it was reaching the end of the afternoon, and they were done. The two women sat at the student center for some herbal tea, talking some more. Penny was tired by now, and ready to head home. As they finished up, Stephanie stopped her.

"Penny," she said, much more shyly now, "do you mind if I look you up after you and Dr. Hofstadter move here?"

"Of course, Stephanie, that would be very nice," and she got out her phone to exchange numbers.

The younger woman hesitated. "I don't really know many older women, and I feel like it would be good to get the benefit of your experience. You know, with work, and marriage, and things like that."

Penny was flattered, but also a little taken aback. "Just how old do you think I am?"

"I don't know, 30?"

"That's right," Penny said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-four. But I've been in school since I was six. I sort of feel like I don't have all that much real-world experience, not like you."

And Penny realized that Stephanie was looking at her in much the way that Penny herself looked at Diane Green, or at Hayley: a woman with more, and more varied experiences, and valuable advice to pass along. She smiled as warmly as she knew how at Stephanie. "It would be a pleasure to get together when we move here. I've really enjoyed our time together, and I'd love to hear more about you and your friends. I'm going to be new here myself, and it will be nice to have somebody to talk to – even if it is somebody _so much_ younger," she said, laughing.

Stephanie smiled happily as they stood up to go. The two women hugged, and Penny headed back to Hayley and Mark's river view.

* * *

As soon as Penny walked in, Caroline ran to her. She had obviously been waiting impatiently for her aunt. She had her multicolored throw in her hand, and grabbed Penny by the hand. "Let's go out to the porch, Aunt Penny."

Hayley stopped them. "Linnie, Penny must be tired. Why don't you let her rest?"

Penny saw the disappointment on the girl's face, and waved off Hayley's concerns. "I'm fine. I can rest later." And the two of them went out onto the heated patio.

"I took your advice, Aunt Penny, and it worked!" Caroline said excitedly.

"Oh?" Penny observed, trying to remember what advice she had given.

"Yes, I asked Henry Goldsmith if he wanted to be on the math team next year, and he said yes, and he talked to me for a real long time, like ten minutes, and he looked at me the whole time and he didn't even look away and he even smiled a lot and then at lunchtime he saw me from across the cafeteria and he waved at me!" It all came spilling out in one long breath, after which Caroline jumped and hugged Penny. "I'm so happy!"

"That's wonderful, Caroline."

The girl stepped back, now looking much more serious. "So now what do I do? What if he wants to kiss me? I don't know how to kiss anyone. What am I supposed to do? He'll think I'm stupid!" and she ended in anguish.

Penny was stunned. The last thing she needed was to have Mark and Hayley think she was corrupting their little girl. "Who said anything about kissing? He's a friend, and you wanted to get to know him better, and now you can. Don't get ahead of yourself. Find out how much you two like each other. And forget about kissing for now. What's that all about?"

Caroline looked confused. "But if two people like each other they kiss. Everybody knows that. And I don't know how. Can you show me?"

Penny recoiled again. "Caroline, that's something you should probably ask your mother about." But as soon as she said it, she realized that probably the last person the young girl wanted to learn to kiss from was her mother. She thought. "Look, let me ask your mother if it's all right for us to talk more about this."

Caroline nodded and they went back to the living room. As Penny headed back to the bedroom, she signaled with a nod of the head for Hayley to join her there. Once the two women were alone, Penny recounted the conversation. Hayley laughed delightedly. "Of course you can tell her, or show her! Better you than me. I can't imagine her wanting to hear it from me, anyway."

* * *

Dinner brought more questions from Caroline about the theater, and acting, and just about anything else. In the midst of it, Leonard slapped his forehead.

"Man! I completely forgot. Penny, I have a surprise for you." She looked at him questioningly. "We have tickets to see a show Wednesday night."

Caroline immediately asked, "What show?"

" _Hamilton_ ," Leonard responded. There were gasps from Caroline and both adults.

"You're kidding," Mark said.

"Not at all, why?"

"Those are impossible to get. The scalpers are selling them for two thousand dollars," Mark explained. "We got tickets for Caroline and the rest of us for her birthday, but they're for July – and we bought them three months ago. It's sold out for a year or more. How did you get them?"

"George and Diane," Leonard said to Penny; then, to the others, "friends of ours, George Stein and Diane Green."

Caroline practically jumped out of her seat. "You know Diane Green?"

Penny smiled. "Yes, she was my director. And she's a friend."

"Oh my God, she's my third favorite actress!"

Penny had to laugh. "All right, Caroline. Now I have to ask. I know DiCaprio is fourth among men, and Green third among women. So who are your three favorite male actors, and your two favorite female actors?"

Caroline reeled the names off, as if on a TV show: "Male actors: Number 3, Jesse Eisenberg. Number 2, Daniel Radcliffe. Number 1, Zac Efron. Female actors: Number 2, Jennifer Lawrence. Number 1," and she smiled sweetly, "Penelope Hofstadter."

Penny blushed. "Thank you, sweetie, but I don't really think I belong in that group."

"Not yet, maybe, but you will!" Caroline said, emphatically.

Mark was still in shock. "Wait, so you have tickets to _Hamilton_ Wednesday night?"

"Wednesday at 8, I think," Leonard said. "I can check."

"Wow," Mark said. "Do you two know about the musical?"

"Only that it's about the life of Alexander Hamilton, and that it's hip-hop, and that President Obama liked it," Penny said.

Caroline added, "It's by Lin-Manuel Miranda. He wrote _In the Heights_ , that's my fifth favorite musical of all time. And it's about Washington Heights, the neighborhood where Mom works!"

Penny was getting confused, "Don't you work at Columbia, Hayley?"

"Yes, but the medical school is sixty blocks uptown, in Washington Heights."

"Sixty blocks is three miles, Aunt Penny," Douglas said, once more the guide.

Caroline wasn't finished. "You should listen to the cast recording. You're going to miss a lot of the words if you don't. I can get it for you on your phone."

"That would be nice," Penny said.

* * *

After dinner, as they retired to their bedroom, Penny sat Leonard down on the bed. "Leonard, would you be willing to do something for your niece?"

"Of course, anything."

"Are you sure?"

"Sure I'm sure," Leonard answered, puzzled.

"Wait here," Penny said, leaving the room and returning a few minutes later with Caroline.

"All right, Caroline. We have your mother's permission. So I want you to watch carefully." Penny took a step toward her husband, her arms outstretched. "Leonard, kiss me."

"What?!" Leonard stepped back.

"Caroline wants to learn how to kiss, and we're going to show her," Penny said, as Caroline stood, wide-eyed.

"You're kidding, right?" Leonard replied.

"Not at all. Hayley's all for it. So we're going to show your niece how two people show their love for each other. But in slow motion."

Leonard shook his head, then sighed in resignation. Someday he'd get used to Penny.

"Caroline, stand here," Penny commanded. "Now, first you put your arms around each other," and they proceeded to walk very slowly through the entire exercise. Much to Leonard's shock, Penny even explained French kissing, and they demonstrated that, too. Caroline took it all in, watching with the intensity of a serious student.

A half-hour later the three emerged from the bedroom to find Hayley and Mark sitting in the living room expectantly. When Caroline entered and saw them there, she shrieked and blushed deep red. "Mom! Dad! Go away!" and she ran to the room she was sharing with Douglas. But there was no escape. Douglas immediately sang out, "Caroline, Caroline, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g" and they heard the sounds of fighting from the room.

Mark turned to Hayley. "I told you we shouldn't have mentioned it to him," he said with a laugh. "Now you have to go make it better."

"All right," Hayley said. "But first I want a report. How'd it go?"

Penny smiled. "I think she got it. I'm not sure I've ever kissed so slowly. Or with a twelve-year-old watching."

Hayley laughed and headed off to the room where Caroline and Douglas were now screaming at each other. Penny looked at Leonard and said, "There's only one problem."

"What?" Leonard asked, innocently.

"Come with me and I'll show you. I just hope that door has a lock," Penny said, leading Leonard away by the hand, toward the bedroom, as Mark watched in amusement.


	33. Showtime

33\. Showtime

The next morning Penny and Leonard emerged to what appeared to be the usual morning rush. Leonard was booked most of the week at Columbia, and Penny had decided to rest at the apartment until the afternoon, when she was thinking of following up on a suggestion of Hayley's. She cleared it with Hayley, then corralled Caroline.

"Caroline, would you be willing to take me to Saks this afternoon, when you get home from school?"

Caroline jumped up. "Oh Mom, can I? I promise I'll do my homework as soon as we get home from downtown. Please, please, Mom!"

Hayley smiled and nodded. Caroline clapped her hands and hugged her mother, then Penny, then her mother again. After another five minutes the apartment was quiet again. Penny and Leonard finished breakfast as Maeve arrived, then Leonard left and Penny retired to the living room to read and rest.

Caroline and Douglas rushed in a little before 3, arguing as usual. Caroline immediately sought out Penny and led her from the building toward Broadway. Penny headed for the subway, but Caroline pulled her in the other direction. "Let's take the bus, Aunt Penny. It's more fun. You can see things."

Another first, Penny thought, as they got on the M4 and she imitated Caroline, a little clumsily, with her Metrocard. The bus continued down Broadway, then made a sharp turn. Caroline pointed excitedly to a large white building. "That's my school!"

Penny realized with a start that she hadn't bothered to ask the children, or their parents, about their school. She sighed at her oversight; they must think she didn't care. But really, it was just all so overwhelming, with so many new things to try to understand. Anyway, no time like the present. "What is your school, Caroline?"

"It's just called the School. I guess the School at Columbia. The university runs it. Lots of faculty kids but also a lot from the neighborhood. It's really good. But next year is my last year," she said sadly. "It's only K-8."

"What will you do then?"

"Try for an exam school. I'm not sure which I want more, Stuyvesant or Bronx Science. Hey, I'll bet if you grew up here, you'd go to La Guardia, for Performing Arts."

Penny had no idea what the girl was talking about, and it must have shown. Caroline explained carefully. "We take an exam to see if we get to go to one of the special high schools. Stuyvesant might be the best. But Bronx Science is math and science. I think Henry wants to go there," she said wistfully. "Except if you're a great actor or singer, you audition, and get to go to Performing Arts, at La Guardia. Didn't you ever see _Fame_?"

"Oh, is that a real school?" Penny asked, again feeling foolish. "I thought it was just in the movie."

"No, it's real. Down behind Lincoln Center. It's cool, they have great performances. You should go." She thought of something. "Oh! If you move to New York, your baby could go to my school, because Uncle Leonard would be at Columbia. Wouldn't that be awesome?"

Penny smiled, not wanting to disappoint her niece, but feeling the need to tell her the truth. "Sweetie, we're only going to be here for a year. Our home is really in LA."

Caroline's face fell. "Oh. But isn't the best theater here in New York? What about Broadway?"

Penny nodded, "You're right. But I'm mostly headed for film, I think. We'll see how it develops, but as of now I think I'm better suited for the movies."

Caroline nodded, then pointed out the window again. "Central Park here, and on the left Harlem." They rounded the park and headed downtown. "This is Fifth Avenue. Central Park on the right. Museum of the City of New York, that's Doug's favorite." She was in tour-guide mode, and Penny was fascinated by how well she knew the city and its landmarks. "Jewish Museum. The Carnegie mansion. You went to the Metropolitan Museum. The Frick, that's Mom's favorite." And then they were into the shopping district. After a few more blocks Caroline led them off the bus. Penny looked up at St. Patrick's Cathedral.

"Caroline, can we go into St. Patrick's? I'd like to see what it's like inside." The girl made the unmistakable face of somebody who'd been forced into too many churches and museums, but agreed. They walked in and Penny sat down, enjoying the majesty of the interior, and the peace and quiet. Caroline was patient for ten minutes, after which she began to fidget. They headed to Saks.

Penny was impressed with the size of the store, but more than that with the style. It was very different from the stylish stores in LA – even than the Saks she knew there. There was a definite distinction between LA style and NY style. She recognized Hayley's style as very New York – and Caroline's, too, in a pre-teen way.

They wandered the store for an hour. Penny explained to Caroline that she wasn't going to buy: given her condition, all she could really try on were maternity clothes, and she had plenty of them. But after a bit, Penny suggested they look for something that Caroline might consider for her bar mitzvah rounds in the coming year. So they spent an hour in the girls section, with Caroline trying on dress after dress and Penny giving her suggestions. After a snack at the cafe, they headed back to Morningside Heights in time for dinner.

Caroline was unusually quiet on the bus back uptown. At one point Penny thought she saw a tear in the girl's eye. She didn't want to intrude, but felt she had to ask.

She put her hand on Caroline's shoulder. "Is everything all right, sweetie?"

Caroline turned to her, and now she saw more tears. "I thought maybe you were going to move here." And she started crying on Penny's shoulder. Penny was so moved she almost felt like crying herself.

"That's all right, Caroline. We're going to be here for a whole year, sweetie. Starting soon, in just a few months. And who knows, I might do more work here. And maybe you can come visit us in LA." Caroline perked up at that, and dried her eyes.

"I'm sorry, Aunt Penny. I just like having a grownup to talk to besides my mom. I mean, Mom is great, but, you know…." Her voice trailed off, and Penny thought she understood.

"There are some things that are hard to talk about with your mother, aren't there?" Caroline nodded. "Well, let's make a deal. You can always talk with me about anything. While I'm here. By Skype or phone when I'm in LA. And when we're back here I want to see you all the time. You know, we're probably going to live very near you, in a Columbia apartment." The girl brightened noticeably, and they rode the rest of the way home talking quietly about the difficult life of a twelve-year-old girl in the big city.

Dinner conversation that evening was dominated by discussion of the couple's impending _Hamilton_ experience. Hayley and Mark also quizzed Leonard on his day at Columbia, which appeared to have gone very well. By the time dinner was over, Penny was exhausted. She and Leonard excused themselves, and were in bed and asleep early.

* * *

The next morning the routine was repeated. Penny had resolved to rest until their plans for dinner and a show that evening – especially given how excited everyone seemed to be about _Hamilton_. As the apartment quieted down, Penny headed out to the living room with her tablet. To her surprise, Hayley was sitting there, apparently waiting for her.

"Not at work?" Penny asked.

"I thought I'd go in a little later. Can we talk for a bit?" Just then Maeve and Stacey ran by, playing hide and seek. "Maybe in the bedroom?"

Penny, somewhat puzzled, followed Hayley into the master. They sat again in the armchairs looking over the river. Penny worried that perhaps Hayley had had further thoughts about their conversation two nights before. But Hayley started in.

"You know, Penny, New York can be pretty tough. And I know how isolating it can be to be for a young mother, especially when it's your first. I just want to make sure you have the support you'll need."

"Oh, Leonard is wonderful, Hayley. I'm sure he'll do everything he can to help. Probably too much."

"Well, maybe," Hayley said. "But I'm sure you realize what a stressful position he's going to be in here. This is the high point of his career to date, and he's likely to be under a tremendous amount of pressure. I can see it already in his eyes; I think he's finding just meeting the Columbia people a little overwhelming. It's going to be hard for you, and him, to navigate the professional pressures on both of you, along with a baby."

Penny was suddenly stricken by another pang of inadequacy. She hadn't really thought about the pressures on Leonard. But Hayley was onto another topic.

"Anyway, I'm sure you've talked it over, and it will be fine. But the main thing I want you to know is that no matter what, you can always count on me – on me and Mark – to be available to help out if you ever feel you need some help. With anything. I really mean it."

Penny was relieved. "That's so nice of you, Hayley. And I'm sure I'll take you up on it."

Hayley continued. "Leonard told me they showed you a couple of Columbia apartments. I think it would be great for you to have something here, near us. I really worry a little about you coming here with no friends, and no support system. A young mother needs more than just her husband."

Penny nodded, touched by her sister-in-law's concern. "You know, I will have a couple of close friends here." And she explained about Diane and Audrey, who would be in New York for most or all of the academic year; and about Stephanie and her friends. This seemed to reassure Hayley somewhat. But she had more questions.

"Leonard says you're planning to go back to work when you're here?"

"Yes," Penny said, now feeling a little guilty. "My plan was to stay home with the baby for three or four months, then look for some work locally. My agent has already identified quite a few possibilities. There's a lot of television work here, and some film work as well." She felt she needed to explain herself. "You know, memories are short in the industry. Leonard and I feel that it's important to keep my name on people's minds. A lot of the profession is about branding, and my brand is not really established."

Hayley signaled her understanding. "I don't know much about your business, but I'm sure you do. And I can certainly see wanting to get back into it. That's very healthy. I went back to work after three months with Caroline; even less with the others. And they don't seem to have suffered." She looked at Penny, a little hopefully. "At least I don't think so?" It was perhaps the first sign of vulnerability and self-doubt Penny had seen in the woman, and it endeared her to Penny even more.

"Oh, Hayley, your children are so wonderful. They're just perfect!"

"Ha!" Hayley laughed. "Wait until you get to know them better. But thanks. I think they're pretty special. Anyway, my point about your working was a little different." And now she was a bit hesitant again. "You know Maeve is working for us full-time. But once Stacey's toilet-trained, she'll go to pre-school. Mark and I will still have some work for her – we don't feel comfortable about Doug and Linnie being home alone for three or four hours after school. And sometimes we have to work late. But we can't give Maeve full-time work, and she needs that."

Penny looked at Hayley, not fully understanding. "So we were wondering if maybe you and Leonard would be interested in hiring Maeve for some of the day. She could combine working for you with working for us. You know, with your baby for most of the day, until our kids come home. She could bring your child over here, if you'd be all right with that. And Linnie loves children, she could help, too."

Now Penny got the point. "Oh! So you mean, sharing Maeve between your kids and ours. That sounds like a great idea!"

"Well, you should get to know Maeve," Hayley cautioned, "make sure you like her and her style. We think she's great, but everybody's different."

"Sure, Hayley, I'll try to get to know her over the next couple of days. And I'll talk to Leonard about it. It does sound like it would make sense." And it finally dawned on Penny what Hayley was doing: making sure that her brother and his family would be protected, and safe, and watched over, while they were here.

Hayley nodded, looking satisfied. She was quiet for another bit, then started in again. "There's another thing I wanted to mention to you. You know Leonard so much better than I do, but I just wanted to pass along some of my impressions. He's still a little reserved, always has been. And to be thrust into this position all of a sudden, I think he's a little intimidated by it all. Maybe even a little frightened. I just wondered whether you thought there was anything I could do to help."

Penny tried to mask her rising anxiety. Hayley obviously had a much clearer sense of the stresses Leonard had been facing, and which Penny had been almost totally ignoring. Her self-flagellation would have to wait. For now, she wanted only to reassure Hayley. "Of course, Hayley. I haven't wanted to raise it with him too directly, so as not to freak him out too much," she said, bending the truth more than a little. "But I think you're right, it's probably time for us to talk about it more seriously. And if anything comes up that you could help with, I'll certainly let you know. After all, you're an academic so I'm sure you understand these things better than I do."

"Maybe," Hayley smiled, "but I'm sure you understand Leonard better than I do. Probably better than he understands himself." I wish, Penny thought to herself.

Hayley was quiet again, now looking downright uncomfortable. Penny stared at her, and finally felt she had to speak. "What is it, Hayley? You know you can tell me anything."

Hayley sighed. "Well, this is not my place, but what can I say? Everything is happening so fast, and I feel like I have to say something." She looked at Penny somewhat guiltily. "Penny, Mark and I think you're wonderful. Linnie thinks you're a goddess. And Leonard is obviously completely in love with you, and you with him. So please, please, don't take this the wrong way."

Penny shook her head, puzzled, although she had a feeling where this was going.

Her sister-in-law took a deep breath. "Broadway, the theater, it's a special environment. I don't know much about it, but I have friends involved. And I know there will be lots of…temptations. What…I mean…are you…." And she simply stopped talking, completely lost in trying to figure out how to address the issue.

Penny would have been deeply offended in most other circumstances. But she understood full well that this was just another step in Hayley's continuing attempt to build a protective wall around her brother and his family, brick by brick.

So now it was Penny's turn to get up, walk over to Hayley, bend down, and take both her hands in hers. Hayley eyes seemed to contain so much pain and worry that Penny felt like hugging her. Instead, she just spoke, as confidently as she could. "Hayley, I know what you're worried about. And I understand you have every reason to worry. I have more regrets than you can imagine. And there are no guarantees in life, I know that. But I've spent the last six months doing everything I can to make sure that it will never happen again. You can help, though. If you ever see any sign that I'm getting lost, or confused, just confront me. I may need that kind of help. Because, so help me God, there is nothing I want more than to be as good a wife to Leonard as you are to Mark."

Hayley smiled, relieved. "I'm sorry, dear. I just had to mention it. I worry so much about Leonard. He's under so much pressure. And I think he's so fragile. You're much tougher, I can tell. So I just needed to know that you were in the right place to give him the support he needs."

"I think I am," Penny said. "I hope so."

They sat there for another few minutes in silence, until Hayley excused herself to go to work.

Once Penny had said good-bye to Hayley at the door, she returned to the armchair in the master bedroom, away from Maeve and Stacey. She had to think. And the more she considered their conversation, the more despondent Penny got.

Hayley had immediately understood how much pressure Leonard was under. But Penny had, yet again, failed. Another failure to understand what her husband was going through. In this case, she had failed to understand the magnitude of the honor, and responsibility, Leonard faced. She had seen how deferential the Columbia professors had been. The awe in Stephanie's voice when she talked about Leonard, the excitement about taking a class with him. She had called him "a very famous physicist" as if it were obvious. And said that he could write his own ticket. And Howard Wolowitz had explained clearly to Penny how big an honor the Tokyo symposium was.

But to Penny, much of the time, Leonard was still the shy little guy across the hall. It didn't help that Leonard himself was humble to the point of self-deprecation. However, Penny should have known better. She, of all people, should have understood how stressful it would be to be suddenly thrust into the limelight. In her case, it was just a couple of reviews of a regional theater. In Leonard's case, he was suddenly being scrutinized by every physicist on the planet.

The whole world of science was watching what he was doing. He was under pressure to defend the work, and to come up with extensions and implications to validate its worth. There was a stream of invitations to visit, to speak to the world's leading physicists. It would be the equivalent of her finding herself on the red carpet for the Academy Awards overnight, surrounded by all the paparazzi and in all the tabloids. It was, in other words, terrifying. And Penny hadn't even recognized this.

She thought back to how over the moon Leonard had been after opening night, after the _LA Times_ and _New York Times_ reviews. But his success was every bit as impressive in his world – actually, probably much more impressive – and she'd hardly registered it. When the realization hit her that she had completely missed the importance, and the potential challenges, of what was happening to her man, Penny felt physically sick. But she controlled it, sighed, and started to think about how she could deal with the situation.

* * *

Once they got home, Caroline and Douglas bounced around the apartment with enthusiasm for the show Penny and Leonard would be seeing that evening. Leonard was back from campus early, so that they could dress and head to the theater district. Mark had made them a 6 PM reservation at a Northern Italian restaurant he knew, and they caught an Uber at 5.30.

The restaurant was already nearly full, but the maître d' led them to a secluded table in a corner, and whispered something to Leonard as they sat down. Leonard looked startled, and Penny asked him if there was a problem. "No," Leonard said. "He just told me, 'Mr. Harrison has taken care of everything.' I guess Mark knows them and already took care of ordering, paying, and everything."

"Wow," Penny said. They sat back, as the waiter brought them drinks and appetizers. As they started their food, Penny began the conversation she wanted to have. "So how did it go at Columbia today, my love?"

Leonard sighed. "It was pretty amazing. They spent some more time walking me through the lab arrangements they're going to give me. And I met with some more of the grad students and post-docs. They're so impressive. And we had lunch at the Faculty House. It's fancy, not at all like Caltech. And they seem to expect so much from me."

Penny took his hand in hers. "Leonard, I want to talk about this a little. First of all, I hope you know how incredibly proud I am of you. It's wonderful to see you get this kind of recognition and respect."

Leonard smiled shyly, but Penny continued. "And I haven't really been a good wife through all this." He frowned. "Don't disagree. I didn't fully understand everything that's been happening with you. But I think I do now. You've had an enormous success, one that everyone's paying attention to. And that must be very stressful."

Leonard broke in, "But it's nothing compared to yours. Look at what you did in LA; what you're going to do here!"

Penny shook her head. "It's not remotely comparable. So I made a good impression on some critics, and some theater-goers, at a regional theater. That's entertainment. Your work is affecting the thinking of the smartest people in the world. It's changing the way they think about the universe. That's incredible."

Leonard looked down at his plate nervously.

"And I was too stupid to be able to think about the implications."

"What implications?" Leonard was confused.

"Sweetheart, my little success was very scary. To suddenly be in the spotlight, even a small one. But yours must be terrifying. You have the whole world of science watching you, waiting to hear what you have to say. I can't imagine what that must be like."

Leonard was quiet. Penny couldn't stand it. "Please, my love, talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking. I want to be there for you the way you've always been there for me."

He looked at her, and she could see the gratitude in his eyes. "Thank you," he said softly.

"For what?"

"For understanding." He took a deep breath. "Penny, there are times that I think this is too much for me. It's exhilarating, of course; but it's also terrifying, like you say. Sometimes I feel like a fraud, like people are going to discover that it's all fake. I mean, I know it's not, I believe in the work, but how can this be happening? I mean, my _adviser,_ Donald Cohen, who I always thought was the smartest man in experimental physics, is asking _me_ questions now. And the graduate students look at me like I'm some kind of prophet. As if I had something special to give them."

Penny listened closely. "Leonard, you _do_ have something special to give them. I can't begin to understand what you do, but I do know how important, and how original, it is. You wouldn't be getting all this attention if you weren't special. Very special. You need to realize that all these people can't be wrong. You _do_ have a talent that they're recognizing."

Leonard looked doubtful. "I guess some of that has to be true. But I'm still working these ideas through, trying to figure out what they mean and imply. I don't have all the answers."

"They know that, sweetheart," Penny assured him. "But you have answers they hadn't thought of, don't you? And that's why you're special." Leonard was quiet. "My love, I would like to think that you and I are going through something similar. Your achievements are so much more impressive than mine," and she stopped Leonard even before he had a chance to try to interrupt. "But both of us are dealing with a kind of attention we're not used to. And you've been there for me from the start, even after everything that happened. But I don't feel that I've been able to give you that kind of support. And I want that to change. I want you to share your feelings with me, about this, too. Not the science, forget that!"

Leonard laughed, and the atmosphere got a little less tense. But Penny continued. "Leonard, we're in this together. Everything. Marriage. Baby. Careers. I want to know if you're frightened, or angry, or whatever, even if it's about your work. That's part of my job as your wife. OK?"

"OK," Leonard whispered softly. He looked at Penny and she – once more, predictably – saw the tears in his eyes. "Thank you so much." They were quiet for another couple of minutes, between courses.

Leonard looked at her again. "Penny, I can't help it. A lot of the time I feel like I don't deserve all this. You're right, that's one of the things that can make it a little scary with my work. But I'm also talking about you and me."

"What do you mean?"

"I always feel like I'm on probation. Like I might disappoint you somehow and have it all come crashing down again. And I couldn't take that. I'm not sure I could survive another experience like that."

Penny again felt like she was going to be sick. But she knew she had to overcome this. She reached for Leonard's hand again. "Leonard, listen to me. You and I, we're a unit now. And him or her, too," she added, patting her belly. "The probation period is over, done, if there ever was one."

She thought for a moment. "You have tenure with me," she said confidently.

Leonard laughed.

"That means I can't get rid of you, no matter what, right?" Penny asked.

"That's right," Leonard said.

"And I hope I have tenure with you. That no matter what, we're going to be together. A unit."

Leonard nodded. "I was thinking as I walked home from campus. These past few days have been pretty amazing. And all those problems we were dealing with, they've faded a little. I like the way you said it. We're a unit. The two, the three, of us. It's like a new beginning." He paused. "Just think: Your play, New York, Columbia, Hayley and Mark, everything. Look at the life we have now. I wouldn't trade it for anything. So yes, tenure."

Penny smiled softly at him. This had gone so well. Maybe they were over the worst of it. She knew there would always be problems to face, but for the first time in six months, she felt that she could relax and stop worrying so much about the future.

She squeezed his hand. "New subject, superstar. I had a long talk with Hayley today," and she proceeded to fill him in on Maeve. "I spent some time with her and Stacey today, and I think she's wonderful. So I think you should work that out with Hayley."

Leonard agreed, as the next course arrived and they enjoyed a spectacular meal. In the middle of the meal, Leonard got a text, laughed, and showed it to Penny. It was from Hayley, and said "Tell Penny the pregnant woman's Broadway secret is to start with an empty bladder. The first act can be long."

Penny was puzzled. "What's she talking about?"

Leonard explained. "You know how you have to pee every 30 minutes? Well, you can't do that in the theater. So don't drink anything more, and make sure to use the rest room before the show starts. It might be an hour and a half before you get another chance." Penny nodded, wide-eyed, grateful for the advice.

* * *

Eventually it was time to head to the theater for the show everybody in New York was talking about. George had arranged excellent seats, twelfth row center. As they sat reading the playbill, Penny could sense the electricity in the air. She hadn't seen that much live theater, and nothing on Broadway, but there was something different about this.

The lights went down and the show started. And Penny was completely absorbed in the most remarkable theatrical experience she had ever had. Thirty seconds into the performance, she was gripping Leonard's hand as tightly as she could. The first act ended, spectacularly, and the lights came up. Penny sat there, transfixed.

"Penny," Leonard whispered. She started. "My hand," he pleaded. And she realized she was still holding it in a vise grip. She let go, and he shook his hand out.

"Well?" he asked, although he hardly had to.

Penny was, for once, speechless. She simply looked at Leonard and shook her head. Then she flinched a little. "Ouch, I have to go to the bathroom. Be right back."

When she returned and sat down, she looked at Leonard, and he could see the fear in her eyes. "Leonard, they're unbelievable. I've never seen anything like it. The singing, the dancing, everything. How can I measure up to these people?"

Leonard reassured her, "They're musical theater people, that's what they do. You're a dramatic actor, they don't do that. Nobody expects you to dance or, thank God, to sing. Just to act. And that's what you do best – better than them."

"But it's so incredible. Don't you think? I mean, I never thought I would feel this way about Alexander Hamilton. George Washington. About anything. It's like a whole new experience, a whole new way of thinking about….about everything. Don't you feel it?"

"I do," Leonard said. "It's everything they said it would be. We're so lucky George thought of us."

"But I'm scared."

"Don't be," Leonard said, but the lights were coming down for Act 2. "We'll talk more later."

The second act was, if anything, even more affecting than the first. Penny was crying uncontrollably as the show came to its bittersweet end, and looked over to see Leonard crying just as hard. As applause thundered and the cast came out for yet another standing ovation, she leaned her head on Leonard's shoulder, happy to have shared such a moving experience with him.

They walked out into the cold night and caught a taxi uptown. In the cab, they talked quietly about the show. Penny couldn't get over how it mixed history, drama, and personal accomplishment and tragedy so seamlessly; and how it combined half a dozen musical styles without losing any continuity. She sighed deeply. "I think I'm in love with the theater. I mean, the movies are amazing, but to be able to do that every night – it almost seems impossible."

Leonard looked at her curiously. "You know, the people who saw you in _After the Fall_ said the same thing about you. I used to hear it in the audience as the show ended. How could she give such an emotional performance night after night? Like I say, they're musical theater people; you're a dramatic actor. They're the best at what they do, you're the best at what you do."

Penny looked at him, shaking her head. "You always know what to say, don't you, my love."

They arrived at the apartment to find Hayley, Mark, and Caroline waiting expectantly in the living room. Hayley said, somewhat apologetically, "We told Linnie she could stay up late until you got home."

Caroline couldn't contain herself. "So was it awesome? Incredible? Was Lin-Manuel Miranda there tonight? How about Daveed Diggs? What was your favorite song? Where were your seats?"

Leonard and Penny stood, bemused, as Caroline hit them with a stream of questions. She finished and Penny said, thoughtfully, "Hmm. Yes, yes, yes, and yes; The Room Where it Happens; twelfth row center orchestra. Any other questions?" And everyone laughed.

"Seriously," Penny continued, "it truly was an amazing experience. The show itself is amazing. And the talent is just unbelievable. You're going to love it, Caroline."

They talked a bit more, and then retired.

* * *

 **A/N: To get a taste of the musical in question, search Google for "Hamilton Grammys performance" which was broadcast live from the theater with the original cast, and enjoy.**

 **BTW, I know that Kaley Cuoco was in New York a couple of weeks ago and saw Hamilton, but this chapter was written long before that. "Art" (such as it is) was not copying life, I swear!**


	34. Secrets of the universe

34\. Secrets of the universe

Thursday was Leonard's final day at Columbia, and Penny took the day easy in the apartment. She was definitely tiring rapidly now, and enjoyed the rest. Leonard returned from campus noticeably more relaxed, relaying to Penny that he had had some very interesting conversations with other faculty members and the post-docs that would be on his team. Penny was relieved.

That night, though, Penny woke up to an empty bed. She waited, longer than usual, then slipped out to the living room. Leonard was on the couch, his head resting gently on Hayley's shoulder, as she stroked his hair. Penny knew immediately what had happened: Leonard had gotten up, contemplating again, and Hayley had found him there – perhaps with some sixth sense, realizing that her brother needed her. Hayley saw Penny in the hallway, and shook her head quickly. Penny retreated to their bedroom, unsure of how she felt. It was sad to know that another person could comfort him when she could not – for she still had not tried to be with him on those nights when he stood vigil by the window, deep in thought. On the other hand, perhaps he needed a sisterly love, not hers, in times such as those.

The next morning, amidst the apartment's usual departure commotion, Hayley pulled Penny aside. "He's all right, dear," she said quietly. "It will just take time. I hope you don't mind my talking to him. I think it was good for him."

Penny nodded. "I'm sure it was. Thank you. I only wish he could talk to me about it."

Hayley shook her head. "I don't think so, Penny. I think you two just need to move on. But it probably helps for him to be able to talk with somebody else. You can see that, right?"

"Of course. And I'm glad it was you, Hayley. I'm so glad you're here for him."

"He's my brother," Hayley smiled. "I may have deserted him before, but I never will again. And not you, either."

* * *

Friday was their last full day in New York, and they had it free. Penny was still tired, so Leonard suggested they just rest. It did give Penny a chance to probe Leonard about something she'd been wondering about.

"You didn't tell your mother we were here, did you?" she asked gently.

"No," Leonard said guiltily. "I'll tell her when we move. But frankly, I didn't want to risk ruining the visit."

"I understand," Penny said. "And I know Hayley really has a problem with Beverly. Still, you do have to tell her when we're here."

"I know. I will," Leonard sighed. Penny could see him contemplate the prospect, with no enthusiasm.

"Is there anything you'd like to do on our last day?" she said, trying to take him out of it.

Leonard thought. "Actually, there is one thing. It'll only take a couple of hours. Are you up to it?" He was mysterious about it, but Penny agreed to go along for the ride.

They took the subway down to 79th Street and walked over to a large complex of buildings. Leonard explained, "Over there is the American Museum of Natural History. It's a great museum. But we're going around back, to the Haydn Planetarium."

They entered, and walked past several floors of exhibits. "Don't you want to see the exhibits?" Penny asked.

"You're tired; we can see them some other time. There's just one thing I want to do here." And they walked up a ramp, entered a huge spherical room at the center of the Planetarium, and sat down. The lights dimmed and a show began, called _Dark Universe._

The star show was extraordinarily beautiful. Penny had never seen such a vivid planetarium show. It gave you the feeling of traveling through space, of seeing distant galaxies in their millions. She understood little of the narration, except that it reinforced in her how tiny their lives were compared to the infinite expanse of the universe. And she did understand that the central theme of the star show was the search for the elusive dark matter that seemed to make up so much of the universe, but could not be found. She knew that Leonard's work with Sheldon had something to do with this, in some way. And when she glanced at Leonard she saw they he was completely entranced by the show. She too found it mesmerizing.

The show ended, and Penny took Leonard's arm as they walked out. "So?" Leonard asked. "What did you think?"

"It was beautiful, my love. I think I'd have to see it a hundred times to understand it, probably not even then. But it was beautiful. And I think I understood that this has something to do with what you're working on. They said some people think dark matter might be a superfluid. Is that related to your work?"

Leonard was impressed. "Very good! Yes, it's related. It's one of the extensions we're trying to work through. But mostly I wanted you to see what the show looked like. To understand that to me, thinking about these things is beautiful. You said you wanted me to share my feelings about science with you. Well, this is like my feelings. The things I work on are mysterious, and beautiful."

Penny pulled him close and kissed him. "I get that. And I might not understand anything about it, but I do know that they are mysterious, and they are beautiful. I've known that about your work for a long time, ever since I first visited your lab. And it helps me understand you better. Like I said, you're trying to unlock the mysteries of the universe. What could be more important than that?"

They headed home to their last dinner with Hayley, Mark, and their family. It was somewhat subdued, as everyone present was sorry to see the week come to an end. After dinner, Caroline followed Leonard and Penny into their bedroom.

"Will you call me, Aunt Penny? I'm going to miss you so much," she said tearfully. Penny pulled Caroline onto their bed and they began to talk softly. Leonard understood that he should leave them alone, and headed out to the living room, where Mark and Hayley were on the couch.

"Leonard," Mark said, "I want you to know that I don't think I've ever seen your sister so happy. And I can certainly see why. It's been such a treat to have you and Penny stay with us. It's going to be a blast when you're here for the year. I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to spend more time with you, but I think we're all going to be fantastic friends."

Leonard nodded happily. "It's been wonderful. You've both been wonderful. And thanks again for the dinner, Mark. You know, I had a lot of questions about whether to take this visiting position before coming. But now that I know we'll be here with you, I have no doubt that it's the right thing to do. For me, for Penny, for the baby."

He wandered back into the room just as Penny hugged Caroline and the girl got up. She ran to Leonard and squeezed him tightly. "Take extra-special care of Aunt Penny, Uncle Leonard. I love you, I love you both so much," and she ran out, crying.

Penny looked after her, shaking her head. "She's going to break an awful lot of hearts in her day, Leonard. She already broke mine."

* * *

The next morning, after a quiet Saturday breakfast, Penny and Leonard gathered their things and headed for the elevator. The whole family crowded in to see them off at the sidewalk. Guido was waiting for them with the Town Car.

"Hello, Dr. H, Mr. H," he greeted Hayley and Mark. "Hey, Linnie! Doug!" They waved to him happily, as Stacey ran to be picked up.

"Ride! Ride!" Stacey yelled.

"Sorry, little one, I have to take your aunt and uncle to the airport. Some other time," Guido said gently to Stacey, handing her back to Hayley.

They said their good-byes tearfully on the sidewalk, shivering in the cold. Leonard wasn't sure Caroline was ever going to let Penny go. For her part, Penny wasn't sure Hayley was going to let Leonard go; she held him tight, whispering in his ear, for two minutes at least. Finally, Guido reminded them of the plane they had to catch, and they left, waving.

"Wow," Penny said. "That was an intense good-bye. But we'll be back soon, right?" She did wonder what Hayley had been saying to Leonard, but was loathe to ask. She didn't have to wait long, though.

Leonard looked at her thoughtfully. "Hayley spent all that time telling me how crucial it was to take care of you, how important you are, how special you make everyone feel. And that she knew how happy you made me. I have no idea what you two talked about, but you've certainly got her under your spell."

Penny laughed. "I guess I thought it was the other way around. I think she's a remarkable woman. And I haven't seen you so happy in a long time."

They were quiet on the way to the airport. Leonard knew how much Penny hated flying, so he kept it calm while they waited, and until the plane was at cruising altitude. Then he kissed her and checked in. "A good trip, no? Does it make you feel better about spending a year in New York?"

"That's an understatement," Penny answered. She thought a bit. "You know, if anybody had told me that I would spend a week with the Hofstadter family, and come away saying to myself, "I want to be like them," I would never have believed them."

Leonard laughed. "Well, if it's any consolation, I wouldn't have believed them either."

"And now," Penny said, "I can't wait to go back there."

* * *

 **A/N: If you want to get a small taste for the planetarium show in question, search Google for "Clip from Dark Universe" on Vimeo, 7.28 minutes.**


	35. Home again

35\. Home again

The reentry to Los Angeles life was calm. Penny visited Bernadette and Rachel frequently, to compare notes about pregnancy and birth. Leonard threw himself into his work with renewed enthusiasm, and he and Sheldon were making impressive advances. The couple met with Penny's agent, talking about possible projects over the coming couple of years. It was complicated, given Penny's New York obligations, but there was a plethora of offers to consider. However, Leonard found himself concerned about how the agent was handling things.

So a couple of weeks after they got back from New York, Leonard took the afternoon off work for an appointment with George Stein. They two men exchanged pleasantries, then sat to talk.

"George, I'm a little worried about Penny's future. I recognize that I don't really know the industry, so I'm reluctant to interfere. I understand how important it might be to strike while the iron is hot, before memories fade. And Penny's agent has come up with some very impressive offers." He described some of the possibilities to George, who listened carefully.

Leonard summed up. "These are really attractive offers. Lots of money. But I have questions about whether they're right for Penny, whether they're the kinds of parts that will build her career. Also, it's hard for me to imagine her doing as much traveling as these projects would involve. Even if the baby and I were with her, I can't see it being easy for her. So I guess I'm worried. I would never want to stand in the way of Penny's career, but I have a lot of questions."

George listened carefully. "Well, you're right that these are some very important decisions. You two have to think carefully about what you'd like to do. I know that Diane has talked with Penny about the film she'll be doing with Sam Rubin. I don't want to put pressure on you, but there are lots of considerations. I guess you and Penny have some hard thinking to do."

"Well, do you think we could turn to you for advice? I'm a little put off by her agent, who really seems to be in a rush to pin Penny down," Leonard said.

"Sure, Diane and I would be happy to give you our thoughts. Just talk it over with Penny and get back to me if you want to follow up."

Leonard got up to leave, shaking George's hand gratefully. "Thank you so much. You have no idea how much Penny and I respect you two. And how thankful we are for all your support and advice."

George walked Leonard to the door, stopping him before they left the office. "So you and Penny are good now?"

"I think so, George. Still a ways to travel, but things are good. Very good, I think."

That evening after dinner Leonard sat Penny down on the couch. "I went to talk to George Stein this afternoon. I'm a little concerned about how your agent is rushing you into projects, so I wanted to get his opinion."

Penny looked at Leonard, stunned. "Wait, what? You went to talk to George about my career? Without me?"

Leonard immediately sensed anger. "Well, it's not so easy for you to get around. And so I thought I'd just raise the issue with him."

Penny's eyes blazed. "Leonard, this is _my_ career we're talking about. What gave you the right to consult with _my_ producer about _my_ career without even telling me? Are you crazy?"

"I was just trying to help," Leonard pleaded, realizing now his mistake.

"Helping," Penny said, raising her voice as she spoke, "would be giving me support if I was going to talk to him. Not," and now she was practically shouting, "going behind my back to talk to him. What is this, a couple of guys planning the helpless little girl's career? Do you really think I'm that stupid and incompetent, that I can't manage my own professional life?"

Leonard's face was white now, and his eyes full of fear. "Penny, I'm sorry, I didn't think it –"

"You're damn right, you didn't think!" And now Penny was really shouting. "This is what I can expect from you? Always questioning my abilities, even in my own career. And what makes you an expert anyway? I _cannot_ believe it!"

"Penny, I –" but it was too late. She walked furiously out of the dining area and into the bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

In the bedroom, Penny paced angrily, muttering to herself. This was just like Leonard, treating her like an idiot, thinking he knew more than her. Showing so little respect for her….

But she caught herself, and sat down on the bed. This was not how it was supposed to be. This was not what she had spent six months fighting for. Sure, what Leonard did was thoughtless. But screaming at him wasn't going to solve anything. And, she realized with regret, the look of fear on his face was terrible. They had talked about this…he shouldn't be scared of her. She had to learn not to yell so much. What if her own children were scared of her, like Leonard? She didn't want to yell at her child, and children did stupid things all the time. She shook her head sadly. She had failed again. Another failure, to add to the ever-lengthening litany of things she had neglected, signs she had missed, communications she had botched, promises she had not kept.

Leonard was sitting on the couch, his head in his hands, when Penny walked tentatively out to the living room. "Leonard?" she said softly.

Leonard jumped up. "Penny, I'm so, so sorry. It was really stupid of me and I hope you can forgive-"

"We'll talk about that later," Penny said quietly. "For now we have something more important to deal with."

Leonard looked confused.

Penny explained. "I did it again. You told me something I didn't like. The content was perfectly reasonable, that you're worried about what my agent is planning. What you did about it, that's another matter, we'll come back to that. But I didn't listen to you, I just started screaming at you. That wasn't right. I shouldn't have raised my voice like that."

Leonard looked at her, stunned.

"Sweetheart, I don't ever want to yell at you like that. I can't say that I never will, but I don't want to. You looked so scared. Why are you so scared of me? You know I love you, even if I lose my temper sometimes."

"You're scary when you're angry, Penny," Leonard said faintly.

"But why does it frighten you so much?"

Leonard shrugged. "I don't know. Early childhood experience, genetic mutation, psychopathology…."

"I'm going with early childhood," Penny mused. "Did your mother yell a lot? Somehow I can't see that."

"She never yelled," Leonard explained. "But she would stare at me with a look of disgust. Like I was the biggest disappointment of her life. When she did that, my mind would just go blank. I couldn't think of anything else. Sometimes for days." He shook his head at the memory. And Penny had some inkling of why Hayley hated Beverly so much.

"And when I yell at you, you think you're a disappointment to me?" Penny said gently, aghast at the thought of a child who felt that his mother was disgusted by him.

Leonard nodded sadly. "I'm sorry, I can't help it, it's just what fills my mind. It's like I'm paralyzed. Frozen with fear and regret."

"You know, I can be disappointed about something you do without being disappointed with you as a person. There's a difference." Leonard looked doubtful. "Like Mary Cooper would say, hate the sin, love the sinner. But the bigger deal is that this says something," Penny said firmly, "about how important it is for me not to yell. And it's not just about you. Because I never want our children to be scared of me. I know you won't yell at them, you're too nice. But I might. So I have to start unlearning bad habits, starting with you. You need to help me."

"How?" Leonard said, helplessly. "When you get angry like that, I feel like there's no way to reach you."

Penny nodded. "I know. I can see that. But there has to be a way. Maybe remind me that it's for our child. That would be powerful, I think. Maybe we can talk about it with Dr. Stevens, about ways to keep these disagreements from escalating."

Leonard sighed. "Thanks for not being angry any more. I was so worried. I could just see it all starting again."

Penny shook her head sadly. "It's a vicious circle. You say or do something that upsets me, I get angry and attack you, you retreat into your shell, I get angrier, and it just gets worse and worse. That's not a way for us to live. We have to change it. We will, Leonard. I know we will." And she hugged him and gave him a quick kiss.

She moved back from Leonard, and took his hand. "And now let's start over. I believe there was something you wanted to tell me."

Leonard smiled and sighed in relief. "Well, yes, Penny, there's been something I've been wanting to talk with you about. Now, I realize I don't know the industry like you do, but still…sometimes I feel that your agent is pushing too hard. I'm a little disturbed at how much she's insisting on lining up work. After all, you're just a few months away from giving birth, and it doesn't really seem sensible to be making plans to rush into a half-dozen difficult projects without seeing how things go. I think we need to worry about you and the baby, too. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to raise any questions about your acting or your career; I'm really raising questions about whether your agent is going about this the right way."

Penny was quiet. "Those are great points, Leonard. I think you put your finger on something I've been feeling, about trying to make so many plans so soon. Do you have a suggestion?"

"Well, just one," Leonard said tentatively, smiling. "Let's talk to Diane and George. They've always said we could talk to them, and I trust them."

"That's a great idea. I'll call Diane tomorrow."

Their conversation over, Penny leaned into Leonard on the couch. They sat there quietly for a few more minutes, then Penny sat up and looked at Leonard. "And that," she said, "is how it's done, I think."

* * *

Early the next week, the couple drove to West LA for their meeting with the Greenstein powerhouse. Diane and George greeted them warmly, and chatted for a bit about the pregnancy.

Then George got down to business. "I assume this is to follow up on my conversation with Leonard last week?"

Penny nodded. "Right. We're also trying to figure out what to do, and we recognize that with a new baby things get that much more complicated. And now we're thinking about the future, and timing. A lot of it has to do with the Broadway issue. I understand that the New York option is at least a year away, right?"

"That's right," George said. "There's summer, and then Leo has contractual obligations, but I've lined up backers, and we're pretty much set for a Spring opening. We should go into rehearsals next February or March. We haven't made formal announcements, but we will soon. Leo's a huge draw, of course. Does that still work for you?" he said, with some concern.

Penny glanced at Leonard. "Yes, definitely. In the meantime, I've done a few small jobs since we closed, but I haven't taken on anything big. You know, because of the baby." Diane nodded as George looked on. "I figure I can start working after three or four months, and that gives me about six months to work before the play." She went on to explain Leonard's offer at Columbia, his sister's family, and their plans to move over the summer.

Diane was delighted. "That's wonderful, dear! That means we'll be there together. And it's so good that you'll have family in the area. You realize that support is crucial for a new mother, especially for your first."

Penny nodded, explaining more of the details: sharing a nanny, child-care options, and how supportive Leonard's sister had been.

"Sounds fantastic," Diane said. "So what's the problem?"

"Not really a problem," Penny said, "more of a question. My agent is really pressing me hard to pick up a few of the offers we've been getting. They would probably keep me working for a couple of years after we get back from New York. I see that it makes sense, but the prospect is scary."

"Scary?" George broke in.

"The productions my agent is pushing involve location work, shooting in places like Toronto. Leonard is really supportive, but I really don't think I'll want to be away from home for that long."

"What productions is she suggesting? What are the parts?" George asked, very business-like. "Don't worry, this is all in confidence, among friends."

Penny told her, and both George and Diane looked concerned.

George looked at the couple. "Leonard, what do you think about this?"

"Penny knows best. But I certainly agree with her that the agent has been very aggressive. More aggressive than makes me comfortable," he said, cautiously. He glanced at Penny, who was nodding her head vigorously.

Penny saw George sneak a glance at Diane, and saw Diane give a slight nod. Penny watched them carefully. Penny had gotten to know this power couple quite well over the previous six months, and she admired them tremendously. She especially respected the way they worked together, and how they consulted silently. She wasn't sure what those glances meant, but she was sure they said a lot.

Now George was clearing his throat, his silent consultation with Diane at its end. "I don't want to be too forward, but frankly I think you need a new agent. She's pushing things much too hard. She's out of her league, and I think she's got dollar signs in her eyes. But she's supposed to be _your_ agent, and your needs should come first."

George continued. "I'm not saying that she's only trying to make money for herself; she may think she's doing you a favor by getting you into big projects quickly. But you're in this for the long haul, and you need to be careful about your brand. Not to mention the personal side. This is a brutal business, and we've seen too many people try to do too much, too fast, and crash and burn as a result."

Leonard looked at Penny. "What do you suggest?" he asked. "Could you and Diane represent Penny? We trust you guys completely."

George shook his head. "No. It wouldn't be right. We intend to work with Penny in the future, and that would be a conflict of interest. Plus business among friends…well, you know how it is. Representing a good friend is like lending money to a good friend: it has no upside, only downsides."

George carried on. "But I do have an agent we can recommend in complete confidence. She was Diane's. She understands the importance of the professional, and the personal, and how to balance them." He wrote down the name on a slip of paper and passed it to Penny. "If you're interested, I'll have her get in touch with you."

"Absolutely!" Penny said. "And thank you so much for your help."

"Of course," Diane said. She looked at George, and again Penny saw something unspoken pass between them. "Do you have a few more minutes? I think George and I would like to run some thoughts by you."

"Sure," Penny said, as Leonard nodded along.

Diane looked at George, who started in. "We were talking before you two got here. Penny, I think you may not be quite fully aware of the options you have in front of you. Diane and I have watched you pretty carefully over the past six or seven months, and we have some pretty strong opinions about your work."

"Oh?" Penny said, somewhat fearfully.

George laughed. "They're all good opinions. Look, your work on _After the Fall_ was very impressive, and the notices you got were very well deserved. But to us, what was even more impressive was how you carried on despite all the terrible personal drama you were going through."

Penny looked down, ashamed. Leonard noticed immediately, and took Penny's hand quickly. Penny looked at him sadly, but Leonard just smiled.

Diane looked at George sternly, lifting a hand to silence him. "George can be too blunt sometimes. I'm really sorry. Your personal life is none of our business."

Penny's head shot up. "Not at all, Diane! I consider you a friend. A good friend. I'm hoping you feel the same way."

Diane smiled warmly. "I do, dear. But it's not our place to put you on the spot."

Leonard looked to Penny. "Your support for Penny, and for me, was really crucial in helping us. And I think I can speak for both of us in saying two things. First, we're in a good place right now. Second, we always want you to be completely open with us. Isn't that right, Penny?" Penny nodded energetically.

"All right, then." Diane glanced at George, and continued. "I think what George was going to say was that the way you have carried yourself, Penny, was extraordinary. As professional as anyone could hope. And that speaks volumes to your character, and to your future."

Penny smiled cautiously. "That means so much to me, coming from you. From you two."

"We think," Diane carried on, "that your future is extremely bright. In my opinion, you're going to be able to pretty much write your own ticket. Your work in _After the Fall_ showed great versatility – after all, you got Maggie's original innocence just as well as you did her final despair. And that's really hard."

George added, "So far as we're concerned, we're going to want you in anything we do with an appropriate part. I know Diane's already spoken with you about her project with Rubin. Do you see what we're saying?"

Penny looked back and forth at them, confused, then at Leonard, who was smiling. "Not really."

Leonard raised a finger. "Can I try? I think what they're saying, Penny, is that you don't have to worry about getting work, you're going to have options. So you should choose what _you_ want to do, and not be limited into thinking that offers may come and go. Is that right?" he looked at George.

"That's right," Diane smiled at her. " _You_ control the future, Penny. Don't let an agent control it for you. You're going to be a hot property. Make the most of it."

* * *

One afternoon later that week, a serious-looking Leonard had Penny sit down on the couch once again, just a few moments after he walked in the door.

"Bernadette called me this afternoon at work," he started.

"And?"

"She was a little upset, and wondering if you were mad at her. She said she's been trying to reach you but she thinks you're avoiding her. Something about giving her an answer about a baby shower. I told her I didn't know for sure, but that I didn't think you were mad at her. I _didn't_ mention that I also had no idea she had been talking with you about a shower. What's going on?"

Penny looked down, flustered. "She and Amy have been asking about a shower since we got back. They want to set a date."

"So why haven't you?"

Penny looked at Leonard and bit her lip. "I'm embarrassed, Leonard. I feel guilty. _I_ should have had a shower for Bernadette, but, you know…you and I were still separated, and I wasn't really prepared to face everyone. I'm still not sure I'm all that ready to face a big group."

"What do you mean? We've had dinner with the gang a few times in the past month. Haven't you felt comfortable?" Leonard asked.

"I have, but this would be a lot bigger; people from the theater, and from Zangen, and maybe my mother and sister would come, and tons of presents and everything, and…I don't know, I'm still…" and Penny stared out the window, her lips starting to tremble.

Leonard moved over to embrace her, but Penny closed her eyes. "What is it, Penny? We're going to have a baby. That's something to celebrate, and your friends want to celebrate it with you. Why does that bother you?"

Penny finally opened her eyes, and Leonard saw a deep sadness in them. "I don't deserve it, Leonard. I don't deserve any of this. I did a terrible thing. You're like a saint, you took me back, but I'm the bad guy here and I don't deserve a party in my honor. I can't stand the thought of pretending I'm some model wife and mother when I know the truth. And when half the people there will know the truth."

Leonard brushed her hair back lightly. "The truth is that you're a wonderful person, a wonderful wife. And you're going to be a wonderful mother. What happened, happened. You've suffered more than enough for it. And now it's time to move on. That's something Hayley insisted on with me. We still have plenty to work out, and we have Dr. Stevens to help us with that. But we have to move on. In less than three months we're going to have a baby. That's something brand new for us, and we have to be in it together, and looking forward, not back."

"I guess," Penny said uncertainly. "I suppose you're right. OK, I'll talk to Bernadette and set something up."

"Good," Leonard said. "Can it be one of those showers where the men are allowed?"

"Hmm," Penny said, "I'll have to think about that. I'm not sure I want to show you off to all those women…."

Leonard laughed, kissed her lightly, and headed down the hall to change. But Penny stayed on the couch. It was true, they had to move on, needed to look forward. But how to look forward when your own husband was still getting up at night to ponder the past? Bernadette and Howard were totally, utterly immersed in raising Rachel; could she and Leonard get beyond the past and immerse themselves in _their_ new experience, in taking care of a new person? And how to take on a new person when she did not seem capable of taking care of her own husband in his distress? She had failed him before, with such disastrous effects; now still another life was going to depend on her.

Leonard walked back into the living room to find Penny sitting stock still on the couch, looking terrified. He sat down next to her quickly. "What's the matter, Penny?"

She shook her head, as if emerging from a dream, and looked at him. "I can't take care of my own husband, how can I take care of a baby?" And the tears started, as a startled Leonard held Penny close as she sobbed bitterly into his chest.

Once she had calmed down, Leonard lifted her head to look into her eyes. "You take better care of me than anyone ever has, or could. I know you worry about me. But you have to know that you're the best thing that ever happened to me. And you're going to be an awesome mother. I don't have a single doubt about that. And who are you to question my judgement?"

Penny laughed and buried her face in his chest again. They stayed there for a few more minutes.

"Thank you, Leonard. It means so much to me to know that you believe in me. Because I have a lot of doubts now. Bernie helps me, but I'm scared. I can't deny it. I'm scared. What if we don't know what to do about something?"

"We'll figure it out. We'll ask Bernadette, or Hayley, or Siri."

She smiled. "What if I'm too exhausted and overwhelmed and you're at work?"

"You'll call me and I'll come home. I'm ten minutes away."

"But what if I have trouble breast-feeding? You can't help with that. And a lot of women do. I know Bernadette didn't but, I mean, look at her…."

"We'll get help," Leonard assured her. "Anyway, I checked it out, the hospital provides a lactation consultant."

"You checked it out already?" Penny asked, wide-eyed.

"Yeah," he said, a little embarrassed. "Be prepared…."

She sighed. "Wow. You're amazing. Leonard, I'm sorry I haven't told you, but sometimes I get a little frightened that I won't be able to be a good mother." She paused. "Sometimes I get a lot frightened. I can't help it, I worry about it."

"It's understandable, it's something we've never done before. But I promise I'll be there with you, every step of the way."

Penny sighed, calmer now. "I know that. And you can't imagine how important that is. I trust you, and I know how smart and sensible and reliable you are, and that you'll be there to help. That means the world to me."

He kissed her on the cheek. They sat for a few minutes. "How about we go out to dinner tonight?"

She nodded. "That sounds nice."

"Should I call Sheldon and see if he and Amy are available?"

Penny hesitated. "Maybe some other time. I don't think I'm in the mood to be with other people. Maybe tomorrow. I'm sorry," she said apologetically.

"That's all right, Penny. We'll have a nice dinner together."

They stood, heading to the bedroom to get ready. She reached for his arm and pulled him to her.

"Thank you, sweetheart. I don't understand how you do it, but you always make me feel so much better. I wish I could do the same for you."

"You do, Penny, you do," Leonard assured her, holding her. "Let's go to dinner."


	36. A little night music

36\. A little night music

Despite all his assurances, Penny could not help but worry about Leonard. For he still often left their bed in the middle of the night, for hours at a time, to brood in the living room. She felt – no, she knew – that the memory of her infidelity still plagued him. She was at a loss as to what to do about it. Since they had been back together, they had never discussed it, other than some vague mentions at their sessions with the doctor. But it was not enough. He needed to talk about it, and perhaps he needed her to talk about it, too, but she was terrified of beginning the conversation.

Finally, one night, Penny decided she had to act. Leonard slid off the bed at around 1 AM. She waited fifteen minutes, then walked slowly out to the living room. He was standing, again, by the patio doors, looking out on the street, hands behind his back. There was music playing.

"Leonard?" she said softly.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"That's all right." She hugged him from behind, resting her cheek on his shoulder.

"Nice music. What is it?"

"Chet Baker, I think. I started listening to jazz…you know, back then. It's calm, isn't it?"

She listened. "You're right. Sad, but calm. Like you, maybe?" They were quiet again.

"What are you thinking about, sweetheart?" she asked softly.

She could feel him tense.

"Please, Leonard, let's talk. I know something bothers you. I know you come out here at night." He started, surprised. "I haven't wanted to intrude, but I think we have to talk about it."

Leonard was quiet.

"It's about what I did, I know," Penny said gently. "It's OK, you have the right to be upset. I just wish you'd talk to me about what you're feeling."

He stared out at the street, shaking his head. "I keep wondering what I could have done differently. I could have tried harder to get you to talk about what was bothering you. You were scared and confused, and I didn't pay enough attention to that. I should have realized that all the changes in your life were challenges, things we should have discussed."

She continued to hold him from behind, letting him talk out his guilt. But now he was silent.

"Let's sit," she suggested. And they went to the couch, one at each end, their legs intertwined.

"I just think I could have loved you better, Penny," he said sadly.

"Leonard," Penny said quietly, "I'm responsible for my own behavior. Only me. You have to at least give me that, let me take responsibility for my actions. And nobody could possibly have loved me better than you did. If there was anyone who could have loved better, it was me."

Leonard pursed his lips. "Maybe we could have loved each other better, then."

"Maybe," Penny shrugged. "But we couldn't have loved each other more."

"What do you mean?" he wondered.

She thought. "I mean that we did the best we could at the time, given what we knew then, what we understood then. We did as much as we were able to then. I hope we can do a better job now."

Leonard looked at her closely. "That's profound, Penny. Really."

"Don't sound so surprised," she kidded him.

He laughed, then was quiet. "So what are we able to do now that we couldn't then? What do we know, or understand, now that we didn't then?"

"Good questions." She thought. "Now I know that I can take pain. That it's not so terrible to risk being hurt. That unless you're willing to risk being hurt, you can't really put all of yourself into loving somebody else. And that the risk is worth it."

"Wow." Leonard watched her. "And what do you understand now that you didn't then?"

Again she stopped to think. "Now I understand that choices have consequences. How important every choice can be. That we only have one life, that a choice can affect your life forever. If I hadn't broken up with you, things would have been different. If you hadn't asked me out again, we might never have gotten back together. If I had listened to you more carefully, I would have treated you better. If I had tried harder, I would have known myself better. If I had known myself better, I might have been stronger. If I…if I…if only I," but now she was beginning to cry, despite herself. "If only I had been stronger, none of this would have happened." And she was crying softly.

"Shh, Penny, shh. It's over. It's over," and he reached for her hand.

"No, it's not over, not in your mind. Leonard, I think we have to talk about what I did. It still hurts you, I know that. And we haven't talked about it. We have to, I think."

Leonard looked at her, sighing deeply. "All right. Let's talk about that night."

Penny began to tremble slightly. She had started this, but it was going to be terribly difficult. First she had to ask. "Do you still have all those awful thoughts, the ones you told me about?"

Leonard shrugged. "Not so much, actually. I think I was so scared of something like that happening again, that's why I kept thinking about it. I mean, I know you've been with lots of guys besides me, that in itself shouldn't have bothered me. I think the real problem was that I worried about it happening again. And I don't now, not really."

Penny smiled to herself, realizing that Dr. Gallo had been right: as his anxiety lessened, the obsessive thoughts receded. "So, is there anything you'd like to know? Any questions you'd like to ask?"

Leonard thought. "I guess the most important thing, the thing that really bothers me still, is whether you thought about me that night. Because I think about you all the time. I mean, before this especially. You're always on my mind. Like when I was kissing Mandy on the boat, I thought immediately about you – that's why I stopped. So what about you? Did you think about me, and go ahead and do it anyway? Or not think about me? Or what?"

Penny could feel her eyes tearing up again, but she desperately wanted to give an honest answer. "I'm a little confused. Because I think the answer is yes and no. No in the sense that I didn't actively say to myself, "Leonard will be angry," or something like that, something direct. So I didn't think about you, specifically. I'm sorry, I know that's terrible, and it must hurt. Still, it's the truth. But also the answer is Yes, in the sense that I felt very tense all the time; I knew that what I was doing was crossing a line, was wrong. I was conscious enough of what I was doing that I realized that."

Leonard was quiet, but Penny could see the pain in his eyes, on his face. She had to struggle to restrain herself from throwing herself at him, covering him with kisses, begging for forgiveness, trying to take the pain away. Now was not the time for that, she knew. Now was the time for her to talk with him.

"But I want you to know something, Leonard. These days, you are _always_ with me. I'm always thinking of you. I can't explain what changed, or how it changed, but I think about you all the time. It keeps me from being sad. I know I have work to do still, it's been a bad year. But I feel like I've always got you in my pocket, or on my shoulder, giving me advice, supporting me, just being with me, keeping me company. And it makes me feel better."

"Sounds sort of creepy," Leonard joked.

"I guess. But seriously, it's so comforting to think about you, and about us, now. It's a different feeling than I had before. I did love you then, you know that. Somehow it's deeper now. Maybe because we've been through so much. Maybe because we survived such a terrible few months. Maybe because soon I'll be having your baby. I don't know how you feel."

Leonard looked away, out at the street again. "I do feel close to you. But I can't say everything's fine. Sometimes I wake up at night upset, that's why I come out here. I don't know if I have nightmares, but I wake up and I worry that things might go wrong again. Not the same way, you know, but that something might happen between us. After all, a baby is a lot of responsibility, and they say it can cause problems in a relationship. And I don't know if I could take another crisis, but I don't know what to do to keep one from happening. So I worry about things, and then I can't sleep, so that's why I come out here to think."

Penny looked at him sadly, knowing how badly she had hurt him. "Sweetheart, can I suggest something?"

"Sure."

"I think it might be good for you to start seeing somebody. I could never have gotten through this without Dr. Gallo. And you know Dr. Stevens has helped us a lot. But you need somebody to talk about all the things that are bothering you. I know there are things you can't really talk about with me. You need to work them through. We can get a recommendation from Dr. Stevens. He knows you, he knows the situation. I really think it would help you. Maybe help us, too. And now's the time to start, at least, before the baby comes and before we go to New York."

Leonard sighed. "You're probably right. Boy, that's a lot of therapy. A lot of money, too."

"We'll manage," she assured him. "And it's worth it. It will help you, I'm sure. It's helped me more than you can imagine."

Leonard looked at her. "So, how are you?"

"Good, I think." Penny closed her eyes and rubbed them. "I have nightmares," she said quietly.

"Oh? About?"

She looked at him. "Don't take this wrong, but about something happening to you."

"How?"

"Every way you can imagine. You get hit by a truck. You get sick. You go away. Just…you're not there."

He was quiet. A thought dawned. "Is that why you wake me up in the middle of the night, to have sex? Because you had a nightmare?"

She nodded. "To prove to myself that you're still here. To prove to myself that I belong here, too."

"What do you mean?"

"They say," she explained, "that dreams are a way of working through things. So maybe part of me thinks you should have left me. I guess I want to prove that you still want me, that I can make you happy. But I keep having those nightmares, so maybe I'm not sure. Maybe that's why I keep dreaming about it. Maybe you should have left me. Maybe you'd be better off."

Leonard shook his head. "I did leave you. For a month we didn't see each other, talk, text, anything. You can't be much more separated than that. And by the end of that month I knew I wanted at least to try. And so we tried, and it worked out."

"Did it? Really?"

"I think so. Look, it still hurts. A lot. I think my nightmares are about that. I don't remember my dreams like you do, I guess. But I know I wake up feeling terrible about myself. Like I failed. Like I got punched in the stomach. I felt that way for most of the first month, you know. And sometimes I still do."

After a moment, Penny sat up. "Whoa!"

"Sorry," Leonard said, in apologetic mode. "I didn't mean that to be an accusation."

"No, no," Penny hastened to say, smiling broadly. "I think the baby just kicked."

"Really? Is that the first time?" Leonard asked, wide-eyed.

"I think so. My stomach has been feeling funny all week, sort of like butterflies. But that was a real kick."

"Let me feel it," he said. So she turned around and slid into him, her back to his chest, his arms around her, resting on her belly, waiting for another kick.

They sat there quietly for several minutes. Penny could hear his heart beat, and feel the soft rise and fall of his chest as he breathed, more calmly now. She wanted so badly to help him heal.

"I hope you know how sorry I am," she said.

"I do."

After another minute she continued. "I hope you know how much I love you."

"I do, I think." Not quite what she was hoping for, but it would have to do.

Another minute. "I know how sad I made you. I really do. But now I want to make you the happiest man on earth."

Leonard could feel that she was starting to cry again. They stayed like that, waiting to see if the baby would kick again. Eventually he could feel her tears drip down onto his arms as he held her. He kissed the top of her head. "It's all right, Penny. We're going to be all right."

She turned around to kiss him, a long, wet kiss, as her tears continued to fall. "Don't ever leave me, Leonard. Please. I need you more than you know, more than you could ever understand. Promise me you'll warn me if you ever think about leaving me."

"I promise."

They lay on the couch another few minutes, her head nestled into his neck, as her tears stopped and dried.

"I guess the baby's done for the night," she said. "Let's go to bed."

* * *

A few days later, after dinner, as Penny cleaned up, she looked over at Leonard working on the dining-room table on his laptop. She smiled at how domestic the scene was. But somehow not quite domestic enough. When she was done cleaning, she walked over and sat down at the table next to Leonard.

He looked up and smiled at her. "What?"

"You shouldn't have to work on the dining-room table. You need a real office."

He shrugged. "I have a lab at the Institute."

Penny shook her head. "It's not the same. You need a place where you can work, without the kids disturbing you."

Leonard smiled at her. "You're really planning ahead, aren't you?"

"I'm all about the planning. Look, we've already got our next year and a half mapped out in detail, and we're thinking about proposals for me for one or two years beyond that. So what's wrong with that?"

"Nothing, nothing," he said. "But we'll be in a Columbia apartment next year, and I doubt we can get more than two bedrooms. Maybe a small den."

"Sure," she admitted, "but I was really thinking about afterwards. When we get back here."

"I figured we'd let this place go, and find someplace new when we return in a year and a half. Right?"

"Right." She looked at him earnestly. "How about a house?"

"Ah," and finally Leonard got it. "I see. Sure. I think we can afford that, between what you and I will be earning and what we can probably save from it. Happy?"

"I don't know. Are you?"

"A house does sound nice." He looked down at his laptop, furrowing his brow in his recognizable look of concern.

"What are you working on so hard, anyway?" she asked, suddenly alert.

"It's not really work. It's an email from Rob Gold, the chair at Columbia. They keep asking me about whether I'd be interested in a regular position there."

Penny looked at Leonard in surprise. "Wow. That would be a big step for you, wouldn't it? When did this happen?"

"They brought it up when I was there, and they keep pestering me about it."

"So? Are you interested?"

Leonard looked at her in disbelief. "Of course not. You don't want to move to New York permanently." She looked at him, narrowing her eyes. "Do you?" he asked, more hesitantly now.

"Is it a good career move for you? It would be like a promotion, right? What does that mean, a regular position?"

Leonard looked embarrassed. "Actually, they were talking about something full."

"Full? You mean like a Full Professor? Isn't that like the highest thing you can get?"

"I guess, just about," he said reticently.

"Leonard! That's incredible! Why didn't you tell me?"

"I said, I knew you didn't want to move to New York for good."

Penny shook her finger at him, scolding. "Sweetheart, we're a two-career family. Don't you know what that means?"

"No, what?" Leonard asked, mystified.

"It means we have two careers. Sometimes I wonder…."

"All right, all right, I get it. Jeez, you sound like Howard and Raj."

"What do you mean?" Penny asked, surprised.

"They thought I should pursue it, too," Leonard said simply.

Penny pulled on her ear and chewed her lip. "If you asked Hayley, what do you think she would say?"

"Oh, I know what she'd say. We talked about it; she thought I should definitely encourage them, even if only for competitive purposes."

"I don't know what that means," Penny said. "But can I ask you something?" Keep calm, keep calm, she told herself.

"Sure."

"Leonard," she said as sweetly as she could, "how do you think it makes me feel that you talked about a big step in your career with your friends, and with your sister, but not with me?"

She could see the fear in Leonard's eyes as her words registered, and she reacted as quickly as she could. "I'm not angry, sweetheart. I guess I just realized that we might not be on the same page about some things."

Leonard nodded and looked at Penny, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Penny stood up, took his hand gently and led him toward the couch. "Step into my office." They sat and she turned toward him.

"You've spent the last three months learning everything you could about film and theater, thinking about my career. And I'm so happy that you're involved in helping me work through my options. But now it seems like all sorts of things are happening with your career, and I don't know anything about them. Don't you think that's a little strange?"

Leonard looked at her cautiously. "I didn't think you were interested. I mean, I have no intention of moving to New York without you, and…."

"Hold on, hold on," she interrupted. "Let's not presume anything. Why don't you start from the beginning and tell me what's happening so that we can talk about it together. Like a couple. OK?"

Leonard looked down guiltily. "You're right. I should have included you. OK, here's the situation. You know that I'm on soft money at Caltech."

Penny nodded; she knew what that meant – that their work, and salary, were funded out of grants they received. Sheldon often complained about the need to be raising money constantly.

"That's been all right, the work is going well, there's no shortage of funding. But it would be nice to have a regular position."

"Regular means," she ventured, "that you would be paid by the university. With tenure?"

"Right, a regular salary. If it was with tenure, that would be permanent. I'd still have to raise money for the research, but not for my salary or for the lab. And probably I'd earn more than I do now, especially if it were at the Full level like Columbia's talking about."

"And what was this about competitive purposes, what Hayley said?" she asked.

"She meant I could maybe leverage the Columbia possibility. If I got a big offer from one place it would raise my market value."

"What is this, like baseball? Universities trade professors?"

"No, no, but it would make it possible for me to maybe get a more attractive offer from someplace else."

"Do you want to go someplace else? I thought you liked Caltech?"

"I do, but actually UCLA has approached me and it _would_ be nice to have a regular position here in LA."

"All right," Penny said doggedly, "we're back to that. Look, Leonard, why do you assume that we have to stay in LA? You have a career. You have a right to think about where you'd be better off. And you should be talking about this with me, not just assuming that I'm going to drag you around to wherever I want to be."

Leonard furrowed his brow. "OK, OK, I can see that. But, you know, it's not like film or theater. You guys audition, and you know the next day, or the next week, if you got the part. For us, it could take a year or more for one of these jobs to come through. They'll have a search committee, and send out for letters, and then it has to go through the department and the administration. It's a very long process. I wouldn't even want to start it unless I was serious about considering going someplace else."

"Well, are you?"

"Am I what?"

"Are you serious about maybe going someplace else?" she insisted. "Should you be? I mean, regardless of me and my career?"

"What do you mean regardless? You just said, we're a two-career family. I can't decide that without thinking about you and your career. What do you _want_ from me?" Leonard was completely baffled.

"I _want_ you to tell me honestly what's best _for you_ , not what you think is best for me," Penny said in frustration. She sighed. "Look, I'm not saying that you should wake up one morning and tell me you're moving to Alaska. But just like we talk about what I might be doing with my career, we should be talking about yours. Why should your career take a back seat to mine?"

"Well," Leonard said simply, "for one reason, because there's really only one place to be if you're in film, and that's here."

"What about New York?" Penny countered. "There's plenty of work there. And you could get a big job at Columbia. And you never even mentioned it to me! Leonard, I don't understand you, you're having all these successes and I have to practically beat the information out of you. What's that all about?"

Leonard sighed, for about the tenth time during the conversation. "They're things I'd rather not think about. Frankly, I just want to do my research. But Howard and Raj are telling me I should get the Institute to match the Columbia offer, Hayley wants me to consider moving to New York, Sheldon wants me to stay, UCLA is pressuring me….I wish they'd leave me alone. It's stressful, and I don't know what to do!" he said in exasperation.

"Well, maybe you could talk about it with your wife? Or is that too stressful, too?" Penny was getting more and more frustrated. "What am I supposed to do, just guess about what you're going through? Leonard, do I have to get angry with you to get your attention?"

"No, no, of course not," Leonard answered quickly, and again Penny saw the look of fear on his face. She took a deep breath and slid over to him, putting her arms around his neck.

"Leonard, this is ridiculous. I'm not trying to argue with you. I'm trying to have us talk seriously about our future. And our future includes both my career, and your career. When we met with Diane and George, they made it clear that I had to keep my options open. You even understood that better than me, that I had options and shouldn't be forced into something I didn't want to do. Isn't that right?"

Leonard nodded.

"So how is this different? You're having a tremendous success with your work, everybody's interested, lots of places want a piece of you. I got that – even though I sort of had to guess even about that," she said, chiding him again. "So now you have tons of options, and you should be thinking about what makes sense for you. And _we_ should be talking, and thinking, about this. If you feel that New York is a huge upgrade for you, then, well, you tell me and we talk about it. Why is that so hard for you?" She saw Leonard looking fearful again. "I don't get why you don't want to share your concerns with me. Don't you think I deserve to be a full partner in our marriage?"

Leonard shook his head sadly. "Penny, I don't handle stress like you do. I couldn't deal with all the decisions you're going to have to make. I find all this overwhelming. I'd rather not think about it. I just want to do my work. But," he heaved a sigh, "I know that's stupid. So, OK, what do you think?"

Penny stroked his cheek gently. "I know you find it stressful. It's different for you. For me, I can decide to make a film, that's three months, maybe four months. But moving to another university is like a lifetime decision. So don't put yourself down, it's a major decision, and it would be stressful for anyone. But let me ask you: what's your ideal job? Is it at Caltech? UCLA? Columbia?"

Leonard looked at her, lost. "The thing is, I actually don't know. I really liked the group at Columbia. Don Cohen is so smart, and our interests are so close. But I like people here, too. And all our friends are here."

Penny pondered this for a moment. "You don't have to make a decision now, do you? Can't you hold them off, tell them you're going to think about it? Maybe your time at Columbia will help you figure things out? It's like me with my decisions, you don't want to be rushed into any decisions you don't have to make now. Does that make sense?"

Leonard looked at her appreciatively, relief evident on his face. "It makes the most sense in the world. You're absolutely right. I guess I was just letting events take control of me, rather than the other way around. I should just tell Rob that I'll think about it. And I should probably let the Institute and UCLA know about the possibility, so they can figure out if they would be able to match whatever Columbia's going to do. And then we can use next year to try to figure it all out."

"Together," Penny said firmly.

Leonard smiled. "Together."

They sat on the couch for another couple of minutes, Penny looking closely at Leonard as he closed his eyes and tried to relax. She could see how tense the conversation had made him.

"Leonard, we have decisions to make. Our careers are taking off. Our finances are changing, big time. We have a child on the way. We're moving across country for the year. It's a lot to deal with. But we should deal with it together. I always want to know what's happening with you, just like you always want to know what's going on with me. That's what it means for us to be partners. Partners in life. For life. Right?"

Leonard smiled, and relaxed a little. Penny leaned into him, nuzzling his neck. "I love you more than anything, you know that, don't you?"

"I guess," he said sweetly.

"You guess?!" she raised her voice in mock anger. "What do I have to do to prove it to you?"

"You already did, Penny." He looked at her. "You have a way of forcing me to face things I need to, when I don't want to, and somehow making it all better." He looked at her with a tenderness that caused a catch in her throat. "I don't know how you do it. You make me such a better man." And the inevitable tear formed in his right eye.

"No way," she said softly. "I just want you to believe in yourself. To believe in yourself as much as I believe in you. You did it for me, the least I can do is do it for you."

And they stayed, huddled together on the couch, quietly grateful, until it was time for bed.

* * *

The next morning, Penny woke up early. Pregnancy was making her a much lighter sleeper, which was a problem. But it did mean that she got to watch her husband sleep and think about him, and about them.

This morning Penny watched Leonard for what seemed like an hour. He was all grown up now. Funny way to put it. But she remembered Leonard as she had met him. Shy and immature, barely able to look her in the eye; full of self-doubt about his work and his life. But he had a wellspring of courage she had recognized early on, and he drew on it to ask her out, time and again, and to survive all the pain she'd inflicted. And in the process he had changed so much.

Nobody would ever believe this was the same man. He still had his insecurities and his weaknesses, but he was so much stronger now. More self-assured, more mature, more successful. And yet the core of kindness, sensitivity, and responsibility was still there. It was the same Leonard, only older and wiser. She prided herself on the fact that she had seen the wonder in him from the start. She knew he was special from that first day.

Now he was downright impressive, all anyone could ever want in a man. No girl would have looked at him twice back then. They all looked at him now, she thought with enormous satisfaction. Her view of him had evolved, too. Back then she struggled with the thought of spending her life with a man like him; that struggle was partly responsible for her fears and indecision. Now she could barely imagine _not_ spending her life with him.

She herself had changed so much. She had been a kid, practically a teenager, a little wisp of a thing with high-school dreams and a succession of childish crushes. Now, she would like to think, she was a woman. She had suffered, and she had caused suffering. Terrible suffering. And she had known the love of a wonderful man. How that love could transform a person. How she had been transformed. A success on the stage. And, she hoped, a success in life. And a mother. That was the ultimate. A mother to the child she had been.

It had required so much time, and so much pain, for her to realize the things she needed to be happy. And now she had them. A career she loved, and two people she loved – one beside her and one inside her.

What had George called her, the first time they met? "New raw talent from the sticks," it was. She didn't feel like that now. She felt like a battered veteran returning from the battlefields. War-weary, but victorious. And headed home. She knew where her home was now: with Leonard. Her career would take off, she knew that. And so would his. It would be exciting. But their home would always be with each other. The two of them had gone through so much, and in the end had created a bubble of their own, safe from whatever else might find them. Soon there would be three. And a house, too. With a yard….It wasn't Hollywood. But it was home.

Leonard opened his eyes and saw her staring at him. "What?"

"We've grown up together, haven't we?" she said softly. "We were so young back then. We thought we knew so much."

"Well, _you_ did," he kidded. She nodded.

"You helped me see how little I knew. How much I had to learn. About myself...about life…about love." She kissed his cheek.

"And you helped me see that I could hope, and dream, and attain my dreams."

"What dreams, sweetheart?"

He smiled softly. "To be with you, of course. To have a family with you. Oh, and to unlock the mysteries of the universe."

"Well, two out of three's not bad. And there's still time for number three."

END

* * *

 **A/N: Thanks to all who have followed, favorited, or just read this story. And very special thanks to my loyal reviewers, in particular to 123justafan, ajond, arubagirl0926, bamadude, Chuk49,** **hokie3457, katladyd, nibbler747, SRAM, and Stephen Tannhauser. Your comments, suggestions, and constructive criticisms have been a great support. I only hope that** _ **The Command Performance**_ **has been as enjoyable to read as it was to write.**


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